Velosophy

Velosophy (n. the speed and force at which opposing worldviews collide) On the night of 9/11/06, five friends battle for the life of one of their own high atop a rock in New York's Central Park.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

VELOSOPHY 

 

A Two-Act Play 

 

by 

 

Joe Thomas 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright © 2012 14236 S. Poplar Pl. 

By Joe Thomas Glenpool, OK 74033 

 918.810.1228 

 [email protected] 

  

 

VELOSOPHY 

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS 

 

RICHARD: 27. An advertising executive from Nebraska. 

HUNTER: 27. An actor from Nebraska. 

TYLER: 27. A financial consultant from Illinois. 

EVAN: 27. A first-year medical student from Ohio. 

BRETT: 27. A model from California. 

 

THE TIME 

September 11, 2006. Somewhere between 11pm and midnight. 

 

THE PLACE 

A very high rock overlooking New York’s Central Park. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 1 

 

 ACT I. 

 In the blackout, we hear 

 MALLORY’s recorded voice over 

 the speakers. 

MALLORY (V.O.) 

(in tears) 

Hey, baby, it’s me. I love you. Listen, I’m sure you’ve seen the news and know 

what’s going on. Things here are pretty bad, there’s a lot of smoke, it’s hot and 

hard to breathe, and people are really starting to freak out. I love you. I love you 

so much" 

 Loud music interrupts her voice, 

 something dancey like “SOS” by 

 Rihanna. LIGHTS UP on HUNTER. 

 He is on a tall, formidable rock in 

 and high above Central Park. He 

 dances, mouthing the words. 

HUNTER 

(notices something on the ground, a dead squirrel. The music abruptly stops.) 

Oh, sick! God, I live in Queens, but I always get here first. This is how you repay 

me? 

 (to the squirrel) 

You’re disgusting, you smell, you’re dead…and you still beat me here. Well done. 

EVAN (O.S.) 

Hey, Huntress! Quit soliloquying all over the Rock! 

HUNTER 

(removes the earbuds) 

I will if you can tell me what a soliloquy is. 

EVAN 

 (enters and begins climbing up to join HUNTER) 

Soliloquy: noun. An extended b***h session about how no one believes you’re 

worth a s**t. 

HUNTER 

Sorry, we were looking for The WB. 

EVAN 

It’s the CW now. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 2 

 

HUNTER 

What is? 

EVAN 

The WB. It’s Warner Brothers and CBS now, so they changed the name. 

HUNTER 

When? 

EVAN 

Earlier in the year. 

 (a look from HUNTER) 

What? I read. 

HUNTER 

Medical residents have time to read? 

EVAN 

How would you know? 

HUNTER 

Grey’s Anatomy. Which reminds me, there’s a dead squirrel by your foot. 

EVAN 

What? Aw, gross! I thought that smell was you. 

HUNTER 

Hey, they shut off my electric, not my water. 

EVAN 

How’s my favorite downtrodden thespian? 

HUNTER 

I’ll be better when the beer gets here, and Richard spells this whole thing out. 

How’s residency? 

EVAN 

Damn, I knew I forgot something. 

HUNTER 

Evan, tell me you were not running point on the beer. 

EVAN 

(takes out phone) 

Don’t worry. I’ll call Brett. He said he and Ty would be running a little late. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 3 

 

HUNTER 

(makes a face) 

Which means they stopped by Verge to see that girl again. 

EVAN 

Mia. 

HUNTER 

What? 

EVAN 

Her name’s Mia. 

HUNTER 

(thinks a moment) 

“Mia”. She sounds self-centered. Tyler’s not still screwing her, is he? 

EVAN 

I think now it’s Ty and Brett screwing her. 

HUNTER 

At the same time? 

EVAN 

(laughs) 

Hey, she’s hot. Dumb as a stepstool, but hot. 

HUNTER 

Yeah, I get it. P***y allure. 

EVAN 

What? 

HUNTER 

P***y allure. 

EVAN 

The Bond girl? 

HUNTER 

That would be P***y Galore. 

EVAN 

What did you say? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 4 

 

HUNTER 

P***y allure. The allure of p***y. I was just saying I get it. 

EVAN 

“P***y allure” isn’t a thing, and, even if it was, how do you get it? 

HUNTER 

Hey, I was straight once…until Moulin Rouge… 

EVAN 

Four times. You saw it four times in the theatre. And you were gay way before 

Moulin Rouge. 

HUNTER 

Eh, I don’t know. 

EVAN 

You just said p***y can have “allure”. You’ve been gay a while. 

HUNTER 

Fine, but, even with the vaginal magnetism, we can still agree Mia’s a Baywatch 

rerun, yes? 

EVAN 

Uhhh…? 

HUNTER 

You know, bouncy, fun, mindless, but you’d be an idiot to stay past the first 

commercial? 

EVAN 

Regardless, Brett and Ty are probably our only hope for alcohol tonight. And she 

is a bartender. 

HUNTER 

P***y allure and alcohol. What that girl needs is a GED. 

 (Evan holds the phone to his ear. A ringing can be heard a small distance 

 away.) 

HUNTER 

Oh, for the love of Captain Morgan… 

 (TY and BRETT appear, carrying two plastic bags of beer. They are a bit 

 tipsy.) 

TY 

Hey, did you call? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 5 

 

HUNTER & EVAN 

Tell us you brought alcohol. 

TY & BRETT 

We brought alcohol. 

 (A noise of approval. They finish climbing and find spaces among the 

 Rock.) 

EVAN 

I thought you guys were gonna be late. 

TY 

Yeah, Mia had to work tonight, so no dice. 

HUNTER 

And, by dice, he means… 

 (noticeably mouths “p***y allure”) 

BRETT 

But, she had to work tonight, so tell her thanks for all the free shots the next time 

you see her. 

EVAN 

You mean, your free shots. 

BRETT 

What did I say? 

HUNTER 

You started without us. I’d be mad if I was surprised. 

TY 

Then don’t be mad. Like you would have turned down a free shot. 

BRETT 

Or five. Evan, Evan, I had five. 

EVAN 

I can see and smell that. 

BRETT 

 (sniffs, then grimaces) 

Whoa, that’s not just me. What is that? 

HUNTER 

We have a guest. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 6 

 

EVAN 

Had a guest. 

TY 

 (sees where they are pointing) 

Oh, that’s disgusting! You guys have just been sitting here smelling that thing? 

HUNTER 

Eh, leave it alone. 

EVAN 

Yeah, Ty, I’ve learned too much about the diseases that come from s**t like that. 

Don’t touch it. 

TY 

I’m not gonna touch it. Here, hand me one of those bags. 

BRETT 

Hey, let’s make a cap out of it. You know, like Davy Crockett. 

EVAN 

That was a raccoon. 

BRETT 

What’s the difference? 

TY 

Evan, behind you. Hand me it. 

 (EVAN passes it to him. TY begins trying to get it into the bag.) 

EVAN 

Careful, Ty. Seriously, I’m talkin’ flesh-eating. 

HUNTER 

And I think Brett’s already called dibs. 

BRETT 

Screw it, I’ll make my own cap. 

TY 

Okay, just have to get it underneath it… 

EVAN 

Just get it to the edge and knock it off. 

TY 

I’m trying. It doesn’t seem to want to. It’s all…droopy. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 7 

 

 (the other three groan at “droopy”) 

TY (cont’d) 

Evan, help me! 

EVAN 

What am I supposed to do? 

TY 

I’m not smelling this thing the whole rest of the night. 

BRETT 

You know, when you think about it, Davy Crockett must have really smelled like 

a dead squirrel. 

HUNTER, TY, EVAN 

Raccoon! 

BRETT 

(sings) 

Davy, Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier…who smells like dead raccoon 

a*s. 

 (BRETT cracks himself up) 

EVAN 

That thing hit the rock hard! 

TY 

(swinging the bag, narrowly missing EVAN) 

Whoops! 

 (he tosses it off the Rock) 

There! 

EVAN 

You know, a guy came into the ER tonight, some turf battle in the Bronx? Didn’t 

just get shanked. The knife went into his stomach and up almost four inches. 

TY 

Damn… 

EVAN 

We opened him up, and he looked a lot like that. 

 (meaning the squirrel) 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 8 

 

BRETT 

That’s awful. I wouldn’t make a cap out of that. 

HUNTER 

Uhhhh, we got any water for Brett ‘n Tonic over here? 

TY 

Negative. You guys should have just met us at Verge. It was two-for-oneday 

Monday. 

HUNTER 

(to TY) 

Being poured by the Bride of Hasselhoff? Pass. 

BRETT 

Hey, allow him some happiness, Hunter, alright? It is the 11th. 

 (a quick silence) 

Wow, you actually forgot. 

HUNTER 

(genuinely sorry) 

I did, actually. My phone died last night, and I just kinda woke up whenever today. 

I didn’t even look at the date. Sorry, Tyler, drink and f**k away. 

TY 

(not holding it against him) 

I would think so. I just cleared the Rock of a rotting squirrel carcass. 

 (gestures to other plastic bag) 

There’s PBR for you. 

HUNTER 

He forgives, exterminates and inhibits! 

EVAN 

Hey, you two, Hunter and I were just discussing this: Are you both screwing Mia 

now? 

TY 

Not at the same time! 

BRETT 

Once at the same time. 

 (EVAN spits a beer, HUNTER starts to roll with laughter) Velosophy by Joe Thomas 9 

 

TY 

Brett! 

HUNTER 

Wait" 

EVAN 

No way! 

TY 

 (to BRETT) 

I’m gonna Jack Bauer your ball sac. 

BRETT 

What? It wasn’t a big deal! Guys do that kinda s**t all the time. 

 (Beat) 

EVAN 

No, they don’t! 

BRETT 

In porn they do. 

HUNTER 

Wait, porn is now our standard for appropriate sexual activity? 

BRETT 

How’d you learn to do it? 

HUNTER 

Touché. 

TY 

F**k me. Alright, it was St. Patty’s Day, I met up with Mia at the bar, she was 

closing. Brett was there drinking with guys from work, hitting on anything with a 

tramp stamp, Mia said we were free to hang while she closed, she poured us shots, 

suddenly we’re in the VIP room, velvet couch, the whole thing, and I’m 45 

minutes into “Shawshank” on TBS. 

EVAN/HUNTER/BRETT 

Too far in to turn it off. 

TY 

Brett, you swore on your Brotox you wouldn’t say anything. 

 (Again, the shock from EVAN and HUNTER. It’s BRETT’s turn to be 

 upset) Velosophy by Joe Thomas 10 

 

BRETT 

DUDE! 

EVAN 

What in the GQ is Brotox? 

HUNTER 

(giddy) 

Please say it’s Botox for dudes. 

BRETT 

I got one shot in my forehead to see what it would do. 

HUNTER 

You didn’t know what Botox did? 

BRETT 

My agency offered to pay for it. 

EVAN 

Brett, you’re 27. 

BRETT 

I had the test shoot for Axe the next day. The nationwide campaign? You 

should’ve seen the other guys who were up for it. 

HUNTER 

Baby, baby, baby, you’re already mountable. Look at you! You’re the next George 

Clooney. 

BRETT 

Come on, don’t do that. 

HUNTER 

What? A girl can’t pay the Ken doll a compliment? Maybe even drool a little? 

BRETT 

You’re not a girl. And it’s never a compliment coming from you; 

it’s…objectification. 

HUNTER 

Now, Brett. What’s our rule about words we can’t spell? 

BRETT 

I’m not gonna sleep with you. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 11 

 

HUNTER 

Is this about me being a dude? 

BRETT 

It’s about you being the friend who sees past the mountability. 

HUNTER 

Can’t I see it and see past it? 

BRETT 

Hunter, I’m serious. I’m drunk, but I’m serious. 

TY 

Yeah, come on, we just came from Hell’s Kitchen. Brett’s been cat-called enough 

for one night. 

HUNTER 

(under his breath) 

Tyler to the rescue… 

BRETT 

But, can we swear on the Rock about the Brotox? 

TY 

And the porn-inspired sexcapade brought to us by Grey Goose? 

HUNTER 

That’s gonna take us two beers down, and the night’s barely begun. 

EVAN 

I’m fine with a merge. 

BRETT 

Second that. We bought those beers in Midtown. They were expensive as hell! 

HUNTER 

Merge it is. 

 (HUNTER takes a beer can from the lunchbox and gives it a shake. He 

 stops.) 

We gotta wait for Richard. 

TY 

It’s fine. 

HUNTER 

It’s not fine. I’m not messing with tradition, especially not tonight. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 12 

 

BRETT 

Yeah, speaking of, what is tonight? 

TY 

 (to HUNTER) 

He’s not gonna care" 

EVAN 

We’ll wait. It just means you guys get to tell your stories all over again. 

TY 

Fine. 

BRETT 

What’s tonight? 

HUNTER 

With a lot more detail, please. 

BRETT 

What’s tonight?! 

EVAN 

What do you mean? 

BRETT 

 (to HUNTER) 

You said, “especially not tonight”. What’s the “especially”? 

 (Beat) 

HUNTER 

We should wait for Richard. 

 (Beat) 

EVAN 

So, Hunter got to work with Kevin Spacey last week. 

TY 

No way! 

HUNTER 

It wasn’t that big a deal. Featured extra stuff, the usual. He did seemingly gesture 

to me when he made his big speech, though. 

EVAN 

You mean, his soliloquy? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 13 

 

HUNTER 

(a light laugh) 

F**k you again. 

EVAN 

Like Ty and Brett “f**k you” or… 

HUNTER 

That’s sweet. You’re not my type, doc. 

BRETT 

I’m his type, didn’t you hear? 

HUNTER 

He’s my type. 

TY 

And mine, too, apparently. 

 (they all laugh, even TY. RICHARD enters wearing a hat.) 

RICHARD 

What’d I miss? 

HUNTER 

That’s not how it works! You know the rules. 

RICHARD 

That bad, huh? 

EVAN 

Don’t question the rules. Hunter already wouldn’t let us do the Secret Handshake 

without you. 

RICHARD 

(finding his place) 

Well, nice to know after five years, we haven’t lost our sense of tradition. 

HUNTER 

(happy someone agrees) 

Like I said, sunk the Titanic. 

TY 

What sunk the Titanic? 

HUNTER 

Breaking tradition. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 14 

 

BRETT 

How did breaking tradition sink the Titanic? 

HUNTER 

It’s traditionally frowned upon to collide with icebergs, isn’t it? 

EVAN 

Ironically, he has a point. 

BRETT 

Richard, what’s “especially” about tonight? 

RICHARD 

What do you mean? 

BRETT 

Hunter was just saying about “especially not tonight”. 

TY 

Yeah, you say meet you at the Rock and don’t tell us why. A first. 

BRETT 

This better not be just so we could drink on a nice night. We could be at Verge for 

that. They had the windows open and everything. 

RICHARD 

Hey, what am I? I know what the Rock’s for. But, can I hear this story first? 

BRETT 

No, actually" 

EVAN 

Stories. 

RICHARD 

Stories? 

BRETT 

Me and Ty" 

EVAN 

Ty and I… 

HUNTER 

Tied dye… 

EVAN 

Ty and Brett got drunk on St. Patty’s and had a threesome with Mia. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 15 

 

HUNTER 

A Mi-some. 

RICHARD 

Aaaand beer me. 

 (HUNTER tosses him one. A beat, then everyone reaches for one, too.) 

That’s better. You were saying? 

EVAN 

Brett also got Brotox. 

RICHARD 

Brotox? 

HUNTER 

Botox for dudes. 

RICHARD 

This is before or after the Mi-some? 

THE OTHER FOUR 

After. 

BRETT 

It was just to get me the Axe deal. 

RICHARD 

Wait, you got the Axe deal?! 

EVAN 

Wait, what?! 

TY 

Dude! 

HUNTER 

That’s awesome! 

BRETT 

Hey, I didn’t say I got it…but yeah, I got it. They called this morning, and after 

they hung up, I just looked at the phone thanking God for a solid ten minutes. I 

mean, I went in for it, what? Months ago? 

TY 

Something like July, yeah! 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 16 

 

EVAN 

It was after the 4th, for sure. 

BRETT 

Right! Because we hadn’t…yeah, anyway, I said a quick prayer in the holding 

room, like always. But, when they called me in, I just knew that this was the gig. 

That it was gonna happen. And here it is! They’re flying in this amazing 

photographer from Prague for the test shoot on Monday. Of course, it’s his “only 

free day the rest of the year”. After that, it’s magazine ads, the web, some TV, the 

whole thing. 

RICHARD 

This is awesome, Brett! Why didn’t you say anything? 

EVAN 

Yeah, we gotta toast that! 

HUNTER 

We’re gonna need more beer. 

BRETT 

I didn’t say anything because it’s the 11th. I thought it could wait until tomorrow. 

 (slight beat) 

RICHARD 

Oh, damn, Ty, I forgot. I worked from home today, and… 

TY 

It’s okay. Hunter did, too. Forget, I mean. 

BRETT 

Well, one of us remembered. 

EVAN 

Speak for yourself, I remembered. 

HUNTER 

 (to RICHARD) 

I called Mia a “Baywatch” rerun. 

RICHARD 

A what? 

TY 

A what? 

 (HUNTER begins explaining to TY and RICHARD) Velosophy by Joe Thomas 17 

 

BRETT 

 (trying to get his attention) 

Richard, can we" 

 (the overlap of conversations, until…) 

EVAN 

Guys! GUYS! 

 (they quiet) 

Ty, do you want…? 

 (sigh) 

We’re a******s. Do you want to talk about it? Or anything? 

 (TY thinks a minute. The others fall into a reverential silence.) 

TY 

I actually went down there today. The last few years, I’ve just had lunch at that 

little Italian restaurant in Chelsea where I was going to propose, but today was 

different. Cleared my schedule and everything. Luckily, with it being a weekday 

this year, there wasn’t too big of a crowd. I got on the E over by work and 

just…went downtown like everybody else. I didn’t even tear up until, like, 14th 

Street, and I didn’t have my sunglasses, so there I was, the well-dressed financial 

consultant, briefcase and all, crying. On the f*****g E train. Thinking about 

Mallory. I mean, it wasn’t like the towers were hit all over again or anything; it 

never feels that way. To tell you the truth, it’s usually only around this time that I 

get worked up at all. Christmas, her birthday, our anniversary, that’s all fine. But, 

today… You know, what was crazy today was that nobody on the train said a 

word to me. Nobody stared at me or offered me a tissue. Most people were just 

sitting there, listening to music, reading the paper, resting their eyes. And I just 

found myself silently thanking them for leaving me alone. I guess New Yorkers 

can be considerate when we wanna be. 

Brett and I went to Verge after work, and, yeah, Mia was working. I knew she 

would be. She kept telling me what time she’s getting off tonight and winking at 

the double meaning. I thought maybe I could do it today, but I kept telling her, 

“tomorrow, baby, or the weekend. I’m tired, and it’s only Monday! I just want to 

go home and pass out.” Anyway, Brett got her off my back…literally! and 

reminded me we had to head up here, so I let it go. But, who knows? Maybe 

tomorrow’s the day I tell the hot bartender I’m banging about my dead wife. 

Fiancé. Dead girlfriend? Of course, if I do that, she’ll cease to fulfill her purpose, 

won’t she? 

 (He takes a drink in the silence that follows) 

We can merge all that in with the Brotox, right? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 18 

 

HUNTER 

Absolutely. Shall we? 

 (HUNTER takes his beer and begins to shake it. The others, save for 

 RICHARD, get into Secret Handshake mode, tribal chants, drum rolls, and 

 all) 

RICHARD 

 (over the din) 

Actually, before we do that, can I address the “especially”? 

HUNTER 

You’re telling them with that as a lead-in? I just shook up the can" 

BRETT 

Hunter, shut up. Tell us what? 

RICHARD 

Ty, I swear I didn’t remember about today" 

TY 

Richard…what? 

RICHARD 

About two weeks ago…11 days, I guess, because…right, it was the 30th, ‘cause 

my Metrocard expired that day, and I ended up taking a cab home. I…I don’t 

know, I remember getting in a cab, I remember Columbus Circle, and saying “hey” 

to André at the door, and then… nothing. 

TY 

Okay…so you got drunk…? 

RICHARD 

No, actually I got up to the apartment, unlocked the door, Jenna yelled “hello” 

from the kitchen, and then I had a seizure in the hallway. 

BRETT 

You had a what? 

RICHARD 

Yeah, Jenna told me what happened after I woke up. 

BRETT 

No, sorry, you had a what?! 

TY 

Woke up where? In the hospital? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 19 

 

RICHARD 

No, I was still in the hall, on the floor. She knew enough not to move me. 

TY 

How’d she know that? This was your first-ever seizure, wasn’t it? 

EVAN 

I told her it wouldn’t be a good idea. 

TY 

What? 

RICHARD 

This wasn’t the first one, no. 

BRETT 

When was the first one? 

TY 

Hold on a second! 

 (to EVAN) 

Jenna called you instead of calling 9-1-1. 

RICHARD 

I told her to. 

EVAN 

She called me, then she called 9-1-1. Not instead. Jesus! 

TY 

Oh, good! She’s not a complete idiot! 

RICHARD 

Ty! 

HUNTER 

His only other seizure was five weeks ago, August 7th. Remember? We had 

dinner and drinks at my place? Everyone bitched about coming all the way to 

Queens? Well, I’m taking out the trash, you guys were already gone. I came back, 

and found Rich on the floor shaking. My first thought was to call Evan. 

TY 

You called the first-year resident over the paramedics?! 

HUNTER 

He’s technically a doctor! Velosophy by Joe Thomas 20 

 

TY 

They technically drive an ambulance! 

BRETT 

So, wait, what causes a seizure? 

TY 

(sarcastic) 

Seizures. And why don’t we ask Evan? 

HUNTER 

Back off, Ty, I panicked. You guys left hours before. Evan wasn’t even out of the 

elevator. And I didn’t know how serious it was. 

TY 

Yeah, no one’s ever heard of a seizure being serious. 

EVAN 

Relax, Ty" 

TY 

No, thank you, I’ll be doing the opposite of that. 

EVAN 

Richard was recovering when I got there. He’d had a bunch of alcohol…we all 

had! It didn’t look like a seizure. And he wouldn’t go to the ER. 

RICHARD 

I felt fine. I just thought I was super dehydrated or something. 

HUNTER 

Evan didn’t see him like I did. I knew it wasn’t just the alcohol. After Evan 

checked him out, he made him promise to go to the doctor the next day. Then, he 

left. 

TY 

 (to Richard) 

And did you? 

RICHARD 

No. 

TY 

Oh, that’s right, because you’re the idiot! 

RICHARD 

Fine, on the 7th, I was an idiot. But, on the 30th, Jenna called Evan and then called Velosophy by Joe Thomas 21 

 

RICHARD (cont’d) 

9-1-1. They took me in and did all the tests. They said that both times, it had been 

a small seizure, and they found out what had caused them. 

TY 

Which was what? 

 (Beat) 

EVAN 

They found a mass on his frontal lobe. A brain tumor. Probably caused by a 

genetic defect. There’s no way of knowing how long he’s had it. 

 (to RICHARD) 

You should show them. 

 (RICHARD hesitates, but removes his ball cap. He is partially bald, and 

 there is a stitched area where the surgery took place.) 

TY 

(a small, sudden outburst) 

F**k! 

RICHARD 

They operated on the 2nd and got most of it. But, they left this. 

 (gestures to his head) 

Now, it’s radiation, chemo, watch, and wait. 

BRETT 

(to himself) 

The 30th and the 2nd. I was in L.A. auditioning, and I could’ve been here. 

HUNTER 

And Ty, you were in London for work. But it didn’t matter; Jenna didn’t want me 

calling anyone except family anyway. 

TY 

Why the hell not? 

RICHARD 

I told her not to. Not until we’d decided what we were going to do. I even made 

her send these two home. 

EVAN 

Yeah, like we just went home. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 22 

 

HUNTER 

We went around the block and got Jenna breakfast. 

TY 

So, I got back on the 4th. It’s now the 11th. You three waited a week to tell me? 

BRETT 

Tell us. 

EVAN 

Not knowing for a week had to be better than knowing, I promise. 

HUNTER 

It was all I could do not to call. 

RICHARD 

I made them wait until I decided what I was gonna do. 

TY 

You said that…wait, what do you mean, “what you’re gonna do”? You said it’s 

chemo, watch, and wait. 

BRETT 

And then remission. 

 (Beat) 

Right? 

EVAN 

It’s hard to know. On the aggression scale, this thing’s" 

RICHARD 

I’ve decided I’m not doing the chemo. Or the radiation. 

 (Beat) 

TY 

I’m sorry? Evan, did you…? 

EVAN 

Hey, this is news to me. 

BRETT 

Hunter… 

RICHARD 

No one talked me out of it; I’m just not doing it. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 23 

 

BRETT 

What do you mean? It’s a brain tumor. There isn’t another option. 

HUNTER 

You would think. 

TY 

 (to EVAN) 

There is another option, or there isn’t? 

EVAN 

There isn’t. Richard, I talked you through how all of this works. It’s not forever, 

you can take it in pill form" 

RICHARD 

I’M JUST NOT DOING IT! 

 (Beat) 

I’m not taking the pills, I’m not going to any more doctors, and I’m sure as hell 

not getting my head cut open again in hopes that they can scrub whatever the f**k 

is left of this thing off the inner walls of my skull like it’s the ring around a 

bathtub! Look, I talked to Quentin on Friday, the policy is up-to-date, everything 

is good to go. 

TY 

What policy? 

EVAN 

Who’s Quentin? 

HUNTER 

His lawyer. 

TY 

You don’t need lawyers, Richard. You need doctors. A heaping s**t ton of them. 

BRETT 

Oh, god… 

EVAN 

What? 

HUNTER 

“Oh, god” is right. 

EVAN and TY 

WHAT? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 24 

 

BRETT 

He’s going to kill himself. 

 (Beat) 

HUNTER 

Bingo. 

TY 

Richard… 

 (RICHARD doesn’t answer) 

EVAN 

You’re not serious. 

RICHARD 

I gotta take a piss. 

 (RICHARD exits) 

EVAN 

He’s not serious! 

TY 

Seven days, Hunter. 

HUNTER 

Tyler, I couldn’t" 

TY 

Yes, you could have! Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors, 

and a brain tumor trumps a pinkie swear! Hell, screw a week before. It’s been five, 

and you never said a word! 

HUNTER 

I told Evan. 

TY 

You didn’t tell me! 

BRETT 

Or me. 

HUNTER 

Tyler, what could you possibly have done? What does knowing afford any of us? 

EVAN 

He’s right, Ty. Not to be the medical resident in the room or agree with Hunter, Velosophy by Joe Thomas 25 

 

EVAN (cont’d) 

but I don’t just know this thing, I mostly understand how it works. And there isn’t 

much we can do. Us or the doctors. 

 (to BRETT) 

But, that aside, why did you just say that? 

BRETT 

What? 

EVAN 

About Rich…doing what you said. 

BRETT 

Well, he said “policy”, which probably meant his life insurance. What other kind 

of policy is there? I mean, I’m drunk, but, if that’s what he said, it makes sense. 

EVAN 

Yeah, ‘cause everything about tonight makes perfect f*****g sense. You’re telling 

me a life insurance policy covers a… a suicide? 

TY 

If it’s current, and you’ve had it for a certain amount of time, then yeah. 

 (Beat) 

Mal and I looked into policies. That and our wills were supposed to be on the 

newlywed checklist. 

HUNTER 

He’s right. I was there in the office when Quentin explained it all. 

TY 

Of course you were. The mute fly on the wall. Hunter, did it occur to you to 

maybe speak up and say, “Richard, we’re here checking on your life insurance 

policy. Wake the f**k up”? 

HUNTER 

That’s not for me to say to him, Tyler. Or for you to say. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, 

I’m sorry Richard didn’t want to tell you. But, right now" 

TY 

I deserved five weeks or seven days to deal with this. We all did. You made the 

wrong call by keeping it to yourself. 

HUNTER 

It wasn’t my call; It was Richard’s. He’s the one with the brain tumor, remember? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 26 

 

TY 

 (to BRETT, looking for back-up) 

How are you not exploding at all this right now? 

BRETT 

Hey, I’m beyond pissed. But nobody’s talking or listening to me, so I’m gonna go 

pray and throw up. 

 (BRETT stumbles over to a different spot on the Rock and starts to throw 

 up) 

HUNTER 

Thanks for the free shots, Mia! 

 (BRETT flips off HUNTER as he faces upstage, still heaving) 

TY 

That’s the tumor, not the shots, a*****e. I may have to join him. 

EVAN 

Hunter or I should have said something earlier. Agreed. We just thought it was 

handled. 

TY 

You don’t “handle” a seizure! 

EVAN 

Nobody wanted to believe what it was, even after we found out. 

TY 

You don’t “believe”, Evan! You’ve never “believed”. Ever since I’ve known you, 

you’ve “proven” or you’ve “debunked”, you “test” or you “accurately say with 

significant empirical evidence”. Brett’s the one who believes. Hunter… I don’t 

know, critiques? Undermines? Richard decides, and you diagnose. You determine. 

Whatever’s in front of you. And it’s amazing! None of us can look at something 

with objectivity and just connect the dots like you can. So, help me understand 

this; don’t give me “believe”. 

EVAN 

Fine, I saw the x-rays, the test results, the MRI. I observed the patient’s numbness 

on his left side, his frozen facial expressions, and his “flat speech”, meaning that 

the patient’s voice contained no variation in pitch. And after that, because it was 

Richard, I kicked and cried in the bathroom. I couldn’t deal with it and breathe at 

the same time! I don’t have a diagnosis for that. Do you? 

TY 

Life? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 27 

 

HUNTER 

Not mine. 

TY 

 (to HUNTER) 

Well, I guess “denial” ain’t just a river in Egypt for you, is it? 

EVAN 

Sometimes denial’s all you got. 

BRETT 

(from where he is. He has finished vomiting…for now) 

Is he gonna do it? 

HUNTER 

Do what? 

TY 

You know what. 

HUNTER 

Yes. 

EVAN 

Jesus… 

BRETT 

(slowly rejoining the group) 

But, why? I mean, yeah, chemo’s chemo, but at least he’ll have a shot. 

 (RICHARD enters.) 

He does want a shot, right? 

RICHARD 

A shot of what? 

 (sees BRETT’s vomit) 

Whoa! If it comes back up like that, then no thanks. 

BRETT 

Sorry. 

HUNTER 

It’s cool. Nothing punches up the smell of dead squirrel like Buttery N*****s. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 28 

 

BRETT 

You guys bring any water? 

EVAN 

Keep that up, you’ll need an IV. 

BRETT 

Is that a no? 

TY 

Richard, we should" 

RICHARD 

Hunter, I forgot to ask: how was the shoot last week? When’s the movie come out? 

HUNTER 

It was long, but it went pretty well. And sometime late next year. They’ve got 

some other scenes they want me to shoot, though, so… 

RICHARD 

That’s good, man. Steady work. 

HUNTER 

Yeah, I gotta get my lights turned back on. Showering in the dark was fun at first, 

but now I’m afraid I’m missing spots. Of course, with Brett’s new gig, I may try 

and go to L.A. for pilot season, so… 

RICHARD 

Well, if you need me to spot you some cash" 

TY 

Stop it. 

RICHARD 

Stop what? 

TY 

Stop having a normal conversation! Unless you just pissed out the tumor like a 

kidney stone, we’re not changing the channel on this. 

RICHARD 

Ty, it’s 65 degrees. It’s partly cloudy. And, if I squint, I can actually see a few 

stars. Can we at least enjoy the night? 

BRETT 

While you still can? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 29 

 

RICHARD 

Oh, come on, what is this? You two team up because you were the last to know 

that I’m dying? Do you want to trade places? 

EVAN 

That’s not what he means, Rich. 

RICHARD 

Well, damn. I thought I’d found a way out. 

TY 

But, you have, haven’t you? Quentin and Hunter helped you find it, too. 

RICHARD 

You can give Hunter a break. I had decided way before that meeting" 

HUNTER 

Richard, you don’t have to" 

BRETT 

Let him talk, Hunter. 

TY 

Decided to what, Richard? Say it, so we can hear out loud how stupid it sounds! 

RICHARD 

TO KILL MYSELF, OKAY? To…kill myself. As soon as they ran the tests and 

told us what it was, I knew I didn’t want to fight it. Jenna knew it, too. I was just 

nodding along with the doctor and saying things like “well, let’s do what we have 

to do. Let’s beat this thing.” But, I woke up from the surgery, and it was back. The 

tumor was mostly gone, but it was back. That feeling like my head was just going 

to twist off. Like someone had just fixed some broken antique with SuperGlue 

and a chainsaw. I started to wonder if Jenna should even take me home. I was 

breathing, but I wasn’t me anymore. They sliced a chunk of my brain…out! Off! 

Like it was fat on a steak! And, when the doctor told me that the worst wasn’t 

over, that the real fight was just beginning, some alarm inside of me wailed, and, 

in whatever was left of my head, I said to myself, “No, the fight is over; I lost. So, 

what do I do now?” 

EVAN 

Does Jenna know about" 

RICHARD 

Yes. 

TY 

She can’t be handling it well. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 30 

 

RICHARD 

She watched her grandfather go through lung cancer when she was 12. She can 

even remember him begging her mom to make it stop. He had all the morphine in 

the world, and still…I said, if that’s where we’re going, then let’s have as much 

control over it as we can. Because that’s what’s really gone, the sense of control. 

Anybody cured brain cancer today? No? Well, getting just enough of that control 

back is all I want now. Jenna cried for a few days…even tried to start a fight with 

me tonight before I left. But…deep down, she agrees with me…so, she pulled 

herself together long enough to say “I love you” and “goodbye.” 

We’ve got 2 years of payments left on a car we barely drive and no one wants to 

buy. Rent, both our student loans, the credit cards. The medical bills are just 

starting, and who knows what insurance will and won’t cover. And everything just 

compounds on itself the longer I’m alive! 

EVAN 

But, that’s everybody, Rich. You think med school is cheap? And Hunter’s been 

deferring since graduation. 

RICHARD 

But you guys aren’t running up a bill you won’t be around to pay! It will follow 

Jenna forever! 

TY 

And this won’t? 

BRETT 

There’s no way this is just about money, Richard. 

 (Beat. Because he’s right.) 

RICHARD 

Every day, I’m surrounded by people who are just as if not more passionate about 

advertising than me. It fuels the campaigns, it keeps us there late, take-out in one 

hand, dry-erase marker in the other. And, when the stars align and the concept just 

slaps everyone in the room in the head at the same time, it hooks you. You’re 

done. And you will search for that feeling again and again in your work for the 

rest of your life. Because, and this is the best part, you know you’ll keep finding it 

because your brain has been specifically, perfectly attuned by God to receive any 

big idea faster than anyone else. 

But, since the seizures and the surgery, I can’t focus for long periods of time. 

It’s…flickering, you know? I can’t clinch the marker as tightly; or, if I can, I’ve 

forgotten what I just wrote on the board. I’ve gotten off on the wrong floor at least 

twice now, and maybe all that’s par for the course. But, Friday I lost feeling in my 

face and couldn’t move my left arm for over an hour. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 31 

 

EVAN 

Blips and bumps like that will ease as you go through treatment" 

RICHARD 

It happened during a pitch meeting! A junior account planner had to wrap up 

because I kept slurring when I said “Toyota”. That’s when I knew. 

BRETT 

You didn’t think you could do the treatment and keep all your same hours, did 

you? 

RICHARD 

Horror movie scar on my head? Fine, I got a cap. Go Mets! Lieutenant Dan 

feeling in my legs? I’ll live. But, my brain? How many times do I have to say it?! 

Jenna teaches first grade! Is she gonna work nights at a diner while I go through 

brain cancer? We won’t make it! 

 (Beat) 

TY 

I think you’re full of s**t. 

RICHARD 

What? 

TY 

I said, whether you know it or not, you’re full of s**t. . You’ve been at that agency 

since college; they won’t just cast you out. You’re too good. You checked out 

your life insurance. Okay. Then, you and Jenna decided on all this like it’s gonna 

be your new bedroom wall color, but that’s it. That’s all you’ve done, isn’t it? You 

met with Quentin last week. You haven’t done it yet, and you’re not going to do it. 

RICHARD 

Ty, I’m going to do it. 

BRETT 

When? 

RICHARD 

Tonight. 

EVAN 

Here? 

RICHARD 

Yeah. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 32 

 

BRETT 

How? 

TY 

You saw the squirrel; he’s gonna jump. 

BRETT 

I didn’t know if he brought a gun or something. 

HUNTER 

“Or something”? You hoping for a samurai sword? 

BRETT 

F**k you. 

TY 

You’re going to jump. 

RICHARD 

Yes. 

TY 

It’s not high enough. 

RICHARD 

Yes, it is, Ty. 

TY 

You measure it? You look up “how far must one fall to insure death?” 

RICHARD 

Didn’t have to. 

EVAN 

We’re high enough up, Ty. His velocity combined with the impact would 

probably" 

TY 

Thank you, Mr. Wizard! 

 (to RICHARD) 

I hate you. 

RICHARD 

Ty" 

TY 

No. I hate you. You have cancer, Richard. You also have a wife. You have a job. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 33 

 

TY (cont’d) 

You have us. And when you say you’d rather jump than try and make it through 

this with us fighting every inch of it with you, it makes me hate you. Instantly. It 

makes me instantly hate you. 

 (Beat) 

What if we…what if I say “no”? 

RICHARD 

Ty, you don’t get to say “no”. 

TY 

The hell I do! I get to say “no”. I get to scream it! NOOOO! I get to tell you what 

a f*****g Lifetime movie, masturbatory, narcissistic, inconsiderate, waste of a 

partly cloudy, 65-degree September night this is! You have doctors, they have 

pills and machines, you have Jenna, and you have us. 

BRETT 

He’s right, Rich. It’s gonna be awful, but you gotta try. And, come on. You’re 

gonna make it out. 

EVAN 

Well, there’s no guarantee of it… 

 (an attempt to salvage it) 

 But, Richard, at the very least, you’ll die trying. And, at the most? Brett’s right; 

statistics show that some people do go into remission. A few even fully recover. 

 (There is a beat as TY, BRETT, AND EVAN wait for help from HUNTER) 

HUNTER 

If you want to jump, Richard, I think you should jump. 

TY 

Hunter" 

HUNTER 

It’s not our call! He doesn’t need us telling him it’s a bad idea. It’s killing 

yourself; of course it’s a bad idea. But, cancer is a worse idea. Richard’s looking 

at a reprieve in the face of execution here. And if he wants to get drunk at the 

Rock with his best friends and not surrender to something that’s going to 

slaughter him, have a blast doing it, and make all of us, including Jenna, 

helplessly watch, then my vote is have another beer, say your goodbyes, run, jump, 

and we’ll see you there. 

TY 

You agree with that, Richard? Then, what are you waiting for? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 34 

 

 (throws him a beer) 

Chug it, and let’s get this over with. 

RICHARD 

Before I do, we need to talk. 

TY 

I’m not discussing Hunter’s electric bill with you. 

RICHARD 

There are some things I need you guys to know, and some things I need you to do. 

BRETT 

No way; I’m with Ty. 

HUNTER 

What’s the change? 

EVAN 

Brett, come on. 

BRETT 

What “come on”? It’s death. We don’t get to choose when or how it happens. 

TY 

He’s right. 

EVAN 

Even so" 

HUNTER 

No, he’s not right. We can choose. There’s no stopping any one of us from doing 

it any time we want. It happens. People choose. Somebody does it every day. 

Today that somebody’s Richard, and it’s selfish of us to stand in his way. 

TY 

Are you crazy? This isn’t selfishness! Richard, I care about you! I care about your 

wife and your sister and your parents and your big ideas! And, more importantly, 

you care about them. You wanna talk selfishness? Choosing this is what’s selfish. 

Look, I’m not saying that you thinking about… that it isn’t justified; yes, it’s 

going to be painful and it’s gonna be hard. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get 

lucky tomorrow and get hit by a bus, and this all will have been for nothing. But, 

do yourself the favor and don’t just lie down in the street. 

EVAN 

Rich, I’ve lost enough people at the hospital. It’s not pretty. I lost a patient last 

month who’d been living with AIDS for almost 30 years. 30 years. And he was Velosophy by Joe Thomas 35 

 

EVAN (cont’d) 

sick a good portion of that time. He told me that so many times he thought of just 

taking a hundred pills or going up to the roof of his building with a shotgun. But, 

Richard, he fought for 30 years to die of pneumonia instead. He knows something 

you don’t. 

 (Beat) 

RICHARD 

Look, like I said, I need to talk to you guys beforehand. 

BRETT 

You’re still doing it? 

RICHARD 

Yes, Brett. All this means a lot, guys, but I don’t have a choice. Okay, I have a 

choice" 

HUNTER 

Yes, you do, Rich. And the one you’re making is a valid one. 

TY 

Actually, you know what? You’re right; you do have a choice. You absolutely do. 

But I’m begging you to choose the other choice. 

EVAN 

What did you want to tell us, Richard? 

BRETT 

Evan, we’re not giving up" 

EVAN 

I don’t think I’m giving up. For once, I actually don’t know what I think. And I’d 

like to hear everything laid out before I tell my best friend what he should or 

shouldn’t do. I also now need to piss, so tell you what: you go find some water, Ty 

and Hunter can go to their corners, and let’s come back, let Richard talk, and 

make him promise not to kill himself while we’re gone. 

RICHARD 

Cross my heart. 

TY 

(sigh) 

What else can I say but “fine”? 

HUNTER 

You could scream “NOOOOO” again. That was effective. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 36 

 

TY 

He hasn’t done it yet, has he? 

HUNTER 

Doesn’t mean he isn’t going to. 

TY 

And, when he does, you’ll be able to say you were right. That it was his choice 

and that he made it with dignity. Is that how this works? 

HUNTER 

It’s not about me being right" 

TY 

No, but it’s a hell of a consolation prize, isn’t it? While we’re down there with 

bags cleaning up what’s left of him, you can sleep at night knowing that your 

hypothesis of a worldview was proven by one of your best friends knocking 

himself off. So then you get to go on believing it was all for the best rather than 

struggle with the idea and actually surprise yourself with an opinion. You’re a 

lazy philosopher, Hunter. Always have been. You don’t just critique; you use it to 

disengage. I’ve done more thinking through this whole thing tonight than you 

have in five weeks. Hell, in your whole life! It’s always been more important to 

you to just be there for people, to let them do whatever they think best, to cheer 

them on" 

HUNTER 

And to love them? You bet your a*s it’s more important! 

TY 

It’s not loving to let somebody play on the freeway. It’s loving to punish them 

when they try to. 

HUNTER 

Well, then, let’s just crack him on the head with a rock and drag him home like 

cavemen, and whoever does it first loves Richard the most! 

RICHARD 

ENOUGH! Evan’s got a point. Why don’t you all just get some air and take a 

walk. Hunter can stay here with me and insure I don’t jump. 

TY 

Or give you a push, whichever. 

EVAN 

Richard’s not jumping until he tells us what he needs to, okay? He said so himself. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 37 

 

RICHARD 

And nobody’s pushing me. 

BRETT 

Ty, walk with me to get some water; we’ll be right back. 

TY 

Fine. But you jump while I’m gone, and I’ll kill you. 

 (BRETT and TY exit.) 

EVAN 

How does “getting some air” work when you’re already outside? 

 (goes to leave, and then) 

Richard, please know what you’re doing. If this is some test of friendship, some 

glorified trust fall, you got what you wanted, okay? But, you gotta give us 

something, because Brett’s gonna keep puking ‘til he sobers up and falls apart. 

And Ty will just throw himself over after you like a good lieutenant. That way, he 

doesn’t have to live knowing he’s lost Mallory and you before he’s 30. Hunter 

will wake up someday to the sound of tonight in his ears, it will finally phase him, 

and he’ll lose it. Meanwhile, I’ll just go back to the hospital and watch more 

people die without any hope in the human condition. I mean, hell, why even try 

and save anybody if my 27-year old best friend didn’t want to keep fighting? 

What would I have to say to any of my patients? I can only curl up in logic for so 

long. So please, see outside the bubble for a second and find a reason not to do 

this. You’re drunk, you’re crazy, you’re desperate, out of options, scared. They 

can all be true. Pick one. Whatever it is, we can deal with it. But, if you jump, you 

turn us all into king’s horses and king’s men. There’ll be no fixing it. Game over. 

 (Beat) 

Just be alive when I get back, okay? 

 (EVAN exits.) 

HUNTER 

Did he just call you Humpty Dumpty? 

 BLACKOUT. 

 END OF ACT I. 

 

 

 

 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 38 

 

 ACT II. SCENE I. 

 In the blackout, we hear 

 MALLORY’s voice again. 

 MALLORY (V.O.) 

We’re not really sure what’s happening with the fire department or the police or 

anything. Ann is on the phone with 9-1-1, and the man just keeps telling her to 

stay calm and to lay on the floor, that people are on their way up to us. I… 

I love you. I love you so much, Tyler. 

 Lights up on a bench somewhere else 

 in Central Park. BRETT is seated, 

 drinking a massive bottle of water. 

 He opens a package of ibuprofen and 

 throws them back. His Bible is next 

 to him on the bench. TY is standing, 

 on his phone, anxiously waiting for 

 him to finish. 

TY 

“Over half of all suicides occur in adult men, ages 25-65.” He just made the cut. 

BRETT 

You’re looking up suicide stats? 

TY 

Well, I can stop whenever you’ve filled your humps for our long desert journey. 

BRETT 

A few more minutes. 

TY 

We just had to run back by your place and get your Bible… 

BRETT 

I can’t go back up there just yet. I can’t listen to you start tearing into Hunter 

again. 

TY 

Brett, he’s trying" 

BRETT 

I hear you. And I’m with you. He’s carpe diem to a fault, which is great when you 

want to have another drink or stay up all night talking. Just not an ideal 

perspective when there’s “plummeting” involved. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 39 

 

TY 

But, it’s not “seizing the day” with him, either. All he thinks about is this moment 

and maybe the one after it. He can’t get his head around what this will do to 

everyone…even after seeing what it did to me. Is still doing to me. 

BRETT 

But, he was there for you. When you called, he was there. And he’s here tonight 

for Richard. 

TY 

Yeah, running his mouth with what he thinks is unconditional love. But, if 

Richard jumps" 

BRETT 

Whatever happens, we’ll be there. For him and for you. 

TY 

(pointing out the Bible) 

I always forget you’re religious. 

BRETT 

Nights like tonight, it’s where I go. 

TY 

You’ve had nights like tonight before? 

BRETT 

Nothing like this. I mean, yeah, 9/11, you and Mallory, my parents’ divorce… 

okay, maybe, a little bit like this. Nothing this close to home, though. I mean, I 

was a baby when my parents split. And, New York was still fresh when I met you 

all at Rich and Jen’s wedding. 

TY 

Back when you were just Hunter’s “model friend” who he was sure was gay and 

single. 

BRETT 

And, then I brought that Victoria’s Secret girl to the reception for insurance and 

street cred. 

TY 

His face when he asked her, “girl, isn’t my boy Brett here just delicious?” And she 

looked at him, stone-faced, and said, “he tastes better with whipped cream”. 

 (they share a much-needed laugh) 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 40 

 

BRETT 

Then, we cater-waitered a benefit September 10th, he crashed at my place since 

the R wasn’t running, and you called around noon the next day. He said it would 

be okay if I came. 

TY 

The beginning. The Rock…everything. 

BRETT 

How are you not religious after all that? 

TY 

What, losing Mal? How do you stay religious after something like that? And now 

this? 

BRETT 

 (a moment of thought) 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares 

the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than 

your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

TY 

 (gestures to the Bible) 

That’s in there? 

BRETT 

I don’t memorize a lot, but, when I read that, I had to. 

TY 

“Brett believes.” 

 (looks back at phone) 

“Suicide rates in the United States are highest in the spring.” Damn, almost made 

it. Well, he’ll be an anomaly. Newspapers love anomalies. 

BRETT 

Ty" 

TY 

I wonder if anyone’s ever done it in the Park. Hold on a second… 

BRETT 

Would you get off your phone and come sit down? 

 (TY reluctantly sits) 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 41 

 

TY 

Wake me when this is over. 

BRETT 

How about before it happens? 

TY 

Even better. 

BRETT 

I think me being here means we’re actually both asleep. Somebody else is gonna 

have to do the waking. 

TY 

So, we’re stuck here until someone throws a bucket of water on us or slaps us in 

the face? 

BRETT 

Or until we die. I’ve heard if you die in your sleep, you either wake up or die for 

real. 

TY 

So, Richard’s just testing a theory up there? 

BRETT 

If he knows we’re all asleep, then maybe. But, that would make this the most 

drunk and now the most conscious I’ve ever been in a dream. 

 (Beat) 

 (BRETT slaps TY lightly across the face, and they realize that they are 

 indeed awake. TY goes back to his phone) 

Damn. 

TY 

Worth a shot. 

 (reads from phone) 

“There are an estimated 8 to 25 attempted suicides to every one completion.” God, 

I hope so. 

BRETT 

Would it bug you if I…said a quick prayer? 

TY 

…Out loud? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 42 

 

BRETT 

I thought I’d ask before I just went ahead and did it. 

TY 

Um…how about this? You pray silently, and I’ll close my eyes and just agree with 

whatever you say to whoever you’re saying it to? 

BRETT 

Okay. 

 (BRETT, without explanation, takes TY’s hand in his, who is taken aback 

 but lets it happen. They sit quietly for a few moments, eyes closed, as 

 BRETT prays. TY becomes visibly moved, maybe even starts to cry.) 

 End of scene. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 43 

 

 Scene II. 

 EVAN is a stone’s throw away, 

 talking on his phone. 

EVAN 

Jenna? Hey, it’s Evan. Yeah, sorry, of course you knew that. Hey, I’m here in the 

park with Rich and the guys…right. Right, you know that, too. Obviously. Uh, I 

guess that’s why I was calling. To confirm that you do know that. That we’re here, 

I mean. I mean, that you know why we’re here. Because, I didn’t know if Richard 

had told you we were hanging out here tonight. You see, Brett just booked a 

campaign with Axe, the men’s care line? You know, spray this, attractive women 

flock like pigeons? Oh, okay, sorry. Well, it’s a whole big, nationwide “billboards 

and late night” thing, so we thought we’d come out to the Rock and celebrate. 

‘Cause it’s Axe, you know? And the Rock is for stuff like that…like Axe 

and…Richard’s whole thing, too, I guess…Of course, Brett and Ty started 

without us and showed up a little drunk, Brett more so than Ty, but isn’t that 

always the case, right? 

 (laughs, not letting up or letting JENNA get a word in) 

And we couldn’t have been luckier with this weather either. It is beautiful out 

tonight! 65 in September? Well, I guess that’s about average, but…have you been 

out since you got home? You really should find a reason to. Take out the trash or 

something. Anyway, we promise to get Richard home at a decent hour. I know 

he’s got work tomorrow, and advertising waits for no man, so…yeah? You do? Oh, 

okay. I wasn’t sure he had told you…I mean he told us he told you, but there’s 

been a lot of unbelievable stuff tonight, like with Axe and this amazing weather, 

so…What? What do I think about it? I’m…I’m not sure it makes a difference this 

late in the game, Jenna. Yes, I’m avoiding the question. Yes, I’m a doctor, but I’m 

not a psychologist…I don’t know…I don’t know…Jenna, I don’t know! No, he 

hasn’t done it yet…I will…Yeah, yeah, sure, sorry to bug you so late. Just be sure 

and send Brett a quick congratulations text or something. He’s not letting on that 

it’s a big deal, but it’s the best news in a while. And I guess I’ll see you soon. 

Night, Jen. 

 End of scene. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 44 

 

 Scene III. 

 BRETT AND TY, where we left 

 them. They are finishing the prayer. 

BRETT 

Okay, this water’s kicking in. We gotta do something. 

TY 

We…you just prayed. What more is there to do? I’ve said my piece, I’ve Roe v. 

Wade it out with Hunter, who has no intention of changing his mind, and Evan, 

tonight’s swing vote, wants to hear Richard out and try to negotiate this thing 

down to paralysis. 

BRETT 

What about Jenna? 

 (EVAN enters.) 

EVAN 

Dead end. Rich was telling the truth; she knows. And I’m not a swing vote. 

TY 

Then pick a side! 

EVAN 

Hmm, suicide or cancer? 

 (thinks a brief second) 

Gosh, you’re right! The answer has just been staring me in the face this whole 

time" 

TY 

It’s life and death, Evan! Here, in our late twenties, life and death. Again. 

EVAN 

Yeah, I know. It’s a nightmare. 

BRETT 

It’s not a nightmare. I just checked. 

EVAN 

Well, it’s not life or death, either; it’s now or later. It’s apples and…whatever fruit 

is cancer. 

BRETT 

Why is suicide apples? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 45 

 

TY 

They fall from trees. 

EVAN 

Not funny. 

TY 

Well, I guess it could be all fruit that grows on a tree, so it could just as easily be a 

peach" 

BRETT 

Or a coconut, if we’re counting palm trees" 

EVAN 

You know, last time I took roll, our group already had a smart-aleck jackass. 

BRETT 

Well, if I’m not the drunk or the smartass, who am I? 

EVAN 

 (notices the Bible for the first time) 

I don’t know, the zealot? 

BRETT 

Which makes Ty… 

TY 

The one who picked a side. Evan, we need you on this. 

EVAN 

Ty, I don’t know if dragging our foot across the sand is what works here. 

Richard’s just gonna treat it like a starting line. 

BRETT 

So, we build a wall. 

TY 

Or a cage. 

EVAN 

I don’t know if we can stop him. Believe me, I want to stop him. I want him to 

stop him! But, this is a guy who shrugged off a seizure until another one put him 

on his back in front of his wife. He’s not just gonna admit he isn’t Superman. 

BRETT 

Then we put him on his back. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 46 

 

TY 

You got a spare seizure lying around? 

BRETT 

No, but Hunter had the kryptonite idea, remember? “Whoever hits him first loves 

him the most”? 

EVAN 

We’re not clubbing him with a rock! 

TY 

Nobody’s saying to club him with a rock. 

BRETT 

I’m saying we club him with a rock. 

EVAN 

I don’t know if you need more water or more alcohol. 

BRETT 

Okay, not a rock. It can be a log. But, think about it: we claim he fell, hit his head, 

we rush him to the hospital, they keep him there, he can’t hurt himself. 

EVAN 

Brett" 

BRETT 

He comes to, comes to his senses, realizes tonight was insanity, we have a laugh, 

and he starts chemo on Monday. 

EVAN 

Brett, you can’t unmake somebody’s mind by whacking it blindfolded, hoping the 

bad idea falls out! 

BRETT 

 (after a moment, sighs) 

This would be so much easier if his head were a piñata. 

TY 

And, besides, we’d be right back out here in a month. Maybe less. 

BRETT 

Okay, so what do we do? 

EVAN 

I think we hear him out. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 47 

 

TY 

So, nothing. 

EVAN 

Looks that way. 

BRETT 

We do nothing. We just let this happen. 

EVAN 

We listen. For right now, anyway. And, if we get lucky, and he talks himself down, 

then we’re there for that, too. 

BRETT 

Guess we’re the ones without the choice. 

 (Beat) 

Hey, I was drunk up there, not deaf. 

EVAN 

So, your test shoot: it has to be in L.A.? 

BRETT 

Yep. And since the contract’s through next year, I was going to stay the week and 

check out a few apartments. 

TY 

I guess we can have a wake this weekend like we did with Mallory. Of course, 

with Mal, we didn’t have a body, so we didn’t do a funeral. How does it work 

when the body’s not…presentable? Closed casket? 

 EVAN 

Or we can cremate and do the whole “spread the ashes” thing. But it’s whatever 

Richard and/or his parents want. I’m sure that’s part of his briefing. But, a wake 

would be nice, I think. 

BRETT 

We could do St. George’s down by Union Square. Jenna’s parents go there, and 

that’s where Rich and Jenna always did Easter and Christmas. But, don’t plan 

around me; I can postpone the shoot. 

EVAN 

Bullshit. 

BRETT 

I can! I’ll just tell them what’s happened, and" 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 48 

 

TY 

And they’ll get another guy, won’t they? 

EVAN 

Didn’t you say the photographer was flying in from Prague" 

BRETT 

It’s fine, guys. If they get someone else, they get someone else. 

TY 

Brett" 

BRETT 

(diving into the task at hand so as not to get upset) 

Now, it doesn’t make sense to wait past the end of the week. If all the family 

knew about the surgery, they’re probably still on notice for something like this. 

EVAN 

True. 

BRETT 

Plus, like you said, you don’t need the body for a wake. 

TY 

It could be for people here who can’t get out to Nebraska. 

EVAN 

If they want the funeral in Nebraska. 

BRETT 

I guess the wake could be there, and the funeral here. 

TY 

You know Richard’s thought through all this, anyway. 

BRETT 

Wouldn’t surprise me. 

 (Beat) 

First time I’ve said that tonight. 

EVAN 

I haven’t said “I don’t know” this many times in one night since…ever. 

TY 

So, we’re letting this happen. Did I say that already? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 49 

 

BRETT 

No, over here, that was the Zealot. 

TY 

Hey, you could’ve been the Cancerous, Suicidal One. 

BRETT 

Any one of us could have. 

TY 

(sighs) 

Yeah. 

EVAN 

We should probably get back up there before we hear a thud. 

 (Beat) 

Or whatever noise it’s gonna make. 

 End of scene. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 50 

 

 SCENE IV. 

 HUNTER and RICHARD on still on 

 top of the Rock, maybe sitting near a 

 cliff. HUNTER would let RICHARD 

 sit there, after all. 

RICHARD 

Well, this is off to a great start. 

HUNTER 

 (sings Coldplay’s “The Scientist”) 

“Nobody said it was easy…” 

RICHARD 

This is the calmest I’ve seen you in a really long time. 

HUNTER 

I got to know first. I’ve had time; they haven’t. 

RICHARD 

Hard to believe time could prepare you for something like this. 

HUNTER 

Hey, I’m as surprised as you are. But, I agree with you, and I guess that’s the 

lynchpin. If that scar on your head is any indication of the s**t storm to come, 

then… I agree with you. 

RICHARD 

I’m not after a consensus. I didn’t ask you guys here to take a vote. This place has 

been our landmark since we moved here. Once I knew what was coming, it just 

made sense to tell everyone here. There isn’t a better place. 

HUNTER 

Playing it fast and loose with “better”, aren’t we? 

RICHARD 

I just mean that, ever since the wedding and the 4th and Ty…collapsing here after 

Mallory, it’s become a haven, a sanctuary for all of us. Where we go when life’s 

awesome and when it sucks. Like that tree houses I had when we were kids. 

Remember? We used to hide in there from our dads whenever we were in trouble. 

Or whenever it rained. The sound on the roof was deafening. 

 (Beat) 

I miss that. 

HUNTER 

Winston Churchill had a tree house, you know. John Lennon, too. Actually Velosophy by Joe Thomas 51 

 

HUNTER (cont’d) 

overlooked Strawberry Fields. 

RICHARD 

See? We’re in good company. 

HUNTER 

All we’re missing is the tree. And the house. 

RICHARD 

(an Irish accent, spinning a tale) 

Ah, but the Rock is rife with the spirit of brotherhood and late-night fraternity 

away from the world below! Churchill and Lennon would definitely approve. 

HUNTER 

(playing along, a female Southern twang) 

“And, folks, if you’ll step right this way, you can see a pedicab, over one million 

joggers, and the filming of an amateur rap video!” 

RICHARD 

(laughs) 

Okay, I never said it was remote. But, that’s why we come at night. 

HUNTER 

And night in Central Park is why we come in a group. 

RICHARD 

I’m sure I’m the most violence anybody will see around here tonight. 

 (Beat) 

I’m waiting for the moment saying it out loud makes it sound different than what 

it is. 

HUNTER 

There’s no shame in changing your mind. 

RICHARD 

So, Ty was right! Your support does swing both ways. 

HUNTER 

I like to think of it more like being the needle on the record player. 

RICHARD 

Meaning? 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 52 

 

HUNTER 

Whatever song you want or need to hear at whatever moment, just move me, and 

you got it. 

RICHARD 

You know I’m serious about this, right? I mean, I know you sat in the ER and in 

the meeting with Quentin and everything, but this isn’t all some put-on so that 

you can make it through what I know I’m putting you through, is it? 

HUNTER 

And if it was? 

 (Beat) 

RICHARD 

Then, I guess ambivalence is a more interesting choice than anger. 

HUNTER 

We actors do love interesting choices. 

RICHARD 

Hunter, I don’t want you acting your way through this. I want what’s going to 

happen in a few minutes to actually sink in. Tonight. I don’t want you snapping on 

a walk home years from now, suddenly realizing that you never fully processed 

this. 

HUNTER 

 (clearly dodging the issue) 

I’m just mad that we’re gonna have to find a different rock. 

 (like a child) 

“You’re so inconsiderate of us! Stomp, stomp, growl!” Is that how it goes? 

RICHARD 

 (giving up) 

Ty will be so happy you found his righteous anger. 

HUNTER 

 (a weird moment of seriousness) 

I actually don’t think Ty’s ever going to be happy again. But, room, fairy. Here 

comes Oberon. 

 (TY, BRETT, and EVAN enter.) 

BRETT 

Hey, fairy! You make room. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 53 

 

HUNTER 

Yay! He’s sober! 

RICHARD 

You guys all good? 

EVAN 

Yeah. 

BRETT 

Yeah. 

TY 

Couldn’t be better. 

HUNTER 

And there’s that “better” again. 

RICHARD 

You know you don’t have to agree with me" 

BRETT 

We got it. 

TY 

We’ll all have therapists first thing tomorrow. 

RICHARD 

Okay, then. I guess, here we go. This isn’t going to be poetic, and I’m not going to 

quote some major philosopher. This isn’t any kind of riff on existentialism, 

whatever the hell that actually is. I have never read Nietzsche, though, from what 

I’ve heard about him, I bet he supports what I’m about to do. I guess it’s as simple 

and as difficult as me wanting to tell each of you what you’ve meant to me. We all 

came to New York, doing what countless guys before us have done: we tried to 

outrun a passion that finally wrestled us to the ground and handed us a plane 

ticket. Or, in Evan’s case, a scholarship. But it’s actually the first meetings I 

remember most. With Hunter, it was kindergarten and learning to share finger 

paints. He said whatever color I wanted was fine with him. Surprise. 

HUNTER 

He never wanted pink or purple, so I was fine. Stereotyped, but fine. 

RICHARD 

Ty, college, freshman Comp, and his help deciding whether to go stag to Beta 

Homecoming or have the balls to ask Jenna, one of the KKG Untouchables. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 54 

 

TY 

It was supposed to be a joke, and I’m still shocked she said yes. 

RICHARD 

And then the three of us moving into our first and only house off-campus, the 

now-legendary Maple St. Saloon. Hear, hear! 

 (there is cheering and beer-raising from all but BRETT, who wasn’t there) 

Only trouble was, it had four bedrooms, so we needed another roommate. And 

Hunter knew this great guy from Sig Ep who had also tutored him in Intro to 

Physics. 

HUNTER 

“Tortured” is more like it. 

EVAN 

He passed with a D. It was all I could do with a Beta. 

 (they razz him) 

RICHARD 

Then came the craziest, most serendipitous senior year ever recorded. Evan got 

into NYU Med, my internship turned into a job, Ty’s dad knew somebody, and 

Hunter didn’t have anything better to do. I proposed, and Jenna and I got married 

4th of July, right over there…where we can now say we met the new face of 

Axe…and his Cool-Whip-loving date. 

 (there is laughter, even from HUNTER. It’s almost like the troubles of the 

 night are fading.) 

So, finger paint, beer, introductions, more beer, late-night conversation, New York, 

wine, Jenna, Mallory, much more beer. Before I knew it, it happened: the 

distillation of the masses down to a select few. A select four. You guys. 

 (they toast, basking in the moment…and then a grinding switch of gears) 

Particulars, from what I can tell, look like this: Jenna has the will and the details 

regarding everything from the funeral on. Quentin will walk her through the 

payout of the policy later this week, and then she’ll move to Florida with her 

sister and brother-in-law. Anything she ends up not wanting to take back with her, 

apartment-wise, is yours: mementos, pictures, gaming systems, whatever. 

TY 

Funeral is here or Nebraska? 

RICHARD 

Nebraska. My mom’s mom doesn’t fly, and we’ve had a family plot ever since my 

great-grandfather. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 55 

 

TY 

We thought we’d organize a wake, then. Here. For people that can’t do the flight 

or take off work. 

RICHARD 

Jenna will love that. 

BRETT 

Yep, I’m sure your wake is something your wife will just love. 

RICHARD 

 (ignoring him, to TY) 

Can you head it up? 

TY 

You got it. 

BRETT 

Do you know when the funeral might be? 

RICHARD 

My parents’ church is booked all weekend, I found out. So, we’ll probably do it 

next Monday…which is your test shoot. 

BRETT 

I’ll figure it out. 

EVAN 

They will. 

RICHARD 

What’s up? 

EVAN 

You said “we’ll probably do it on Monday”. You mean “they will.” 

RICHARD 

Well, I’m the guest of honor. Surely my name’s listed in the credits. 

TY 

Rich, I’m barely on board the boat here; can we not flood the engine with satire 

just yet? 

RICHARD 

Sorry. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 56 

 

HUNTER 

So, the funeral, the funeral and the wake, the policy, Jenna, the apartment… 

what’s going on with the apartment? 

RICHARD 

I figured we’d just let it go. 

HUNTER 

It’s rent-controlled, right? 

RICHARD 

Yeah, Jenna’s great-aunt lived and died there. 

HUNTER 

Don’t care! It’s rent-controlled! 

RICHARD 

Do you wanna take it? 

HUNTER 

No, I can’t afford it just me. I’m just saying, you should think before letting it go. 

RICHARD 

Okay, do any of you want my rent-controlled apartment, complete with the ghost 

of Maggie Rosenbaum? Evan? 

EVAN 

It is closer to the hospital. Hunter’s right, though. I couldn’t take it on by myself, 

even with the rent control. 

HUNTER 

We could roommate it again. 

EVAN 

I barely made it through college under the same roof as you. You expect me to 

handle residency? 

HUNTER 

When I’m working, I’ve got the money to help out. And Brett could crash with us 

when he visits from L.A.… 

BRETT 

Screw that! He just said it’s haunted! 

EVAN 

 (ending it, to RICHARD) 

We’ll talk to Jenna in the next few weeks. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 57 

 

HUNTER 

Since we’re talking about the apartment, have you decided about the car? 

TY 

Hunter, chill with the yard sale! 

RICHARD 

Jenna’s taking the car to Florida. 

HUNTER 

Damn. 

TY 

Hunter. 

HUNTER 

It’s a nice car! 

RICHARD 

The funeral, the policy, the apartment, the car…what else? 

BRETT 

You’re the only one here with a suicide to-do list, so you tell us. 

RICHARD 

I guess that’s it. Huh. 

EVAN 

What? 

RICHARD 

Just thought there’d be more to cover. 

TY 

You write the note? 

RICHARD 

The note? Oh, the note…uh, no, I didn’t. 

TY 

You better write the note. 

RICHARD 

I don’t think there’s a need to write a note. 

BRETT 

If you’re going to commit suicide, you need the note. It’s policy. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 58 

 

TY 

Or a text. It could be a text, right? 

BRETT 

Sure, it could be a text. 

EVAN 

Or an email. 

RICHARD 

I’m not writing a suicide text. 

BRETT 

It could be an email. 

TY 

I guess you don’t need to write one. I mean, if you’re not really gonna jump, right? 

RICHARD 

Ty, I’m jumping. 

TY 

Then, take out your phone and write the note. 

RICHARD 

I don’t have my phone on me. 

EVAN 

Where is it? I’ll get it. 

RICHARD 

It’s on my nightstand with my keys and my wallet. I didn’t think I’d be needing 

them, since I’m jumping! 

TY 

 (pulls out his phone) 

You can use mine. 

EVAN 

 (pulls out his phone) 

Or mine. 

BRETT 

 (pulls out his phone) 

Or mine. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 59 

 

RICHARD 

I don’t want to write a f*****g suicide note! 

BRETT 

One of us could take dictation. Hunter, you temped as a receptionist a few months 

back, right? You can do it! 

HUNTER 

I was a personal assistant. 

BRETT 

There’s a difference? 

HUNTER 

Yes, Brett, like a squirrel and a raccoon, there’s a difference. I didn’t wear a 

headset at a switchboard. 

EVAN 

So, we’re scratching out the note? 

RICHARD 

Yes! Anyone else? 

TY 

Scratching it out like you have bad penmanship…? 

RICHARD 

You done? 

 (Beat) 

What else? 

EVAN 

Can we talk about how the rest of tonight plays out? I mean, logistically? 

BRETT 

Yeah, are we accomplices here, or something? 

TY 

Or accessories… 

RICHARD 

As far as tonight goes, I just have two things. 

HUNTER 

Don’t forget, we’ve still got to do the Handshake. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 60 

 

RICHARD 

Geez. Okay, three things. 

EVAN 

We’re still doing the Handshake? 

HUNTER 

Of course! There’ll still be four of us who aren’t dead. 

BRETT 

Yeah, let’s not kill off everything. “Especially not tonight”. 

EVAN 

Richard, is Jenna the only one who knows we’re out here? 

RICHARD 

Yes, and she’s the only one who can know. I don’t want to risk them revoking the 

policy because of premeditation or something like that. 

TY 

And none of us wants to play Kevorkian, so we’re good. 

HUNTER 

I want to play Kevorkian someday. Like, a TV movie or something. 

BRETT 

Show of hands: who’s surprised? 

RICHARD 

You’d make a creepy Kevorkian. 

EVAN 

Can we stop saying “Kevorkian”? It’s like “Macbeth” for doctors. 

HUNTER 

Whoa, don’t say “Macbeth”, either! 

EVAN 

We’re outside! 

HUNTER 

We’re in Central Park. The Delacorte is right over there! 

TY 

So, that’s the first thing: keep tonight to ourselves. 

RICHARD 

That’s number one. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 61 

 

HUNTER 

Number two is the Handshake… 

BRETT 

Which makes number three…? 

RICHARD 

The one none of you are gonna like. 

TY 

I told you, I’m not pushing. And I’m not letting Hunter push you, either. 

HUNTER 

For the last time, I wouldn’t ever push him! 

TY 

Push, stand aside, what’s the difference? 

HUNTER 

The differences number in the millions. 

TY 

There’s something about the end and the means if you’ll give me a minute… 

HUNTER 

Unbelievable. 

BRETT 

Richard! Curtain number three, before I start adding to tonight’s total. 

HUNTER 

Is it a new car, Monty? Is it your soon-to-be-pre-owned car? 

EVAN 

How do you jump in and out of trains of thought like that? 

TY 

He’s got a different kind of brain damage. 

BRETT 

Rich! 

RICHARD 

Number three, formerly number two, is that none of you can be here when I jump. 

 (Beat) 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 62 

 

BRETT 

Okay. 

EVAN 

Yeah, that’s fair, I guess. 

HUNTER 

It’s a load off, actually. 

RICHARD 

Really? That was the one I was most worried about. 

EVAN 

You being gone is going to be hard enough. 

BRETT 

Yeah, if you’re set on doing this, then, I don’t want my last memory of you to be 

that one. 

EVAN 

Same here. 

HUNTER 

Plus, I don’t want the temptation of looking over the edge after you do it. 

TY 

Wow. 

HUNTER 

What? 

RICHARD 

 (to TY) 

I thought you most of all would fight me on this. 

TY 

Well, I thought you’d fight through cancer for your wife, friends, and family, so 

it’s just Christmas morning surprises all around, isn’t it? 

RICHARD 

Are you gonna be okay with not being here? 

TY 

Does it matter any more? 

RICHARD 

No. But, are you gonna be okay with not being here? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 63 

 

TY 

It’s actually irrelevant, because I’m gonna be here. 

RICHARD 

Ty" 

TY 

See? I can do it, too! You can’t stop me, because you’ll be too busy jumping. That 

piss you off? Foil your plan? You feel alive again yet?! 

RICHARD 

I’m not gonna fight you on it. I just thought…like the guys said, I was worried" 

TY 

What? You suddenly care about how this is gonna affect me? Affect us? You can 

stab us in the heart, we just have to close our eyes when you do, is that it? You get 

to drown us, but here, take this pill first? 

RICHARD 

Stay here, then. I can’t stop you. 

TY 

You can’t stop anything anymore. Me, yourself, the cancer, the seizures, any of it. 

Richard, look around. We get it. We haven’t left. We understand. Brett took a 

needle to the forehead to try and slow it down, Evan’s at the hospital every day, 

trying to beat it back with a stick and some know-how, and Hunter thinks that if 

he can shrug it off, that it won’t chase him down and eat him. In our limited… 

whatever, we understand what you think you have to do. Doesn’t mean you have 

to do it. 

BRETT 

Actually, I’m staying, too. 

EVAN 

Me, too. 

RICHARD 

You guys just sat through my whole spiel, nodding your heads, interjecting and 

everything. 

TY 

 (with a look to EVAN) 

Yeah, well, I “heard you out” as long as I could, and it never stopped sounding 

monumentally stupid. 

RICHARD 

Brett? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 64 

 

BRETT 

I auto-piloted and prayed there for a bit, pretending we were talking about you 

going on a trip or something, but… yeah, sorry. You’re not doing this. 

RICHARD 

Evan? 

EVAN 

 (after a great deal of thought over the course of the night) 

Richard, you’ve thought it all through, and I don’t doubt everything would go off 

exactly like you’ve planned. Yes, if you were my patient, I’d probably advise you 

on slim chances and impossible odds. But, I’m one of your best friends, and you 

gotta suit up on this one. Sorry. 

TY 

Way to pick a side. 

EVAN 

Hey, what’s a swing vote if he’s not swinging the vote? 

RICHARD 

Guys, this isn’t a caucus. There isn’t a vote. 

TY 

Well, in spite of that, you’ve been overruled. 

HUNTER 

Guys" 

TY 

Hunter, no more. We’re done talking. 

HUNTER 

But" 

BRETT, TY, EVAN 

WE’RE DONE. 

 (Beat) 

RICHARD 

So, now, what? You tie me to a tree? 

EVAN 

We’ve only gotten to rocks vs. logs, but… 

BRETT 

Something to that effect. I’m flexible. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 65 

 

RICHARD 

And, if I just take off running right now? 

TY 

Three of us, one of you. I like our chances. 

EVAN 

You forget Brett ran the Marathon last year. 

BRETT 

And I’m all hydrated and everything. 

TY 

Plus, you didn’t want any of us here. That was the plan, right? Which, if I know 

you like I do, means you haven’t even thought through what us being here does to 

all of this. I mean, you didn’t plan on having to hear us screaming all the way 

down, did you? 

RICHARD 

You’re hoping that’s enough to derail me. 

TY 

You’re not Hunter. You’ve only got one train on the track at a time. Especially 

since the surgery. 

EVAN 

And, even with all I know about the human brain, I’m really starting to think it’s 

possible to cut out the part that usually screams “don’t be a idiot”. 

BRETT 

Or a coward. Because, if you’d read Nietzsche or Lewis or even seen Mr. Rogers, 

you’d" 

 (Suddenly, RICHARD tries to make a break for the cliff, fully intending to 

 jump. It isn’t a fake-out. BRETT intercepts, with EVAN and TY not far 

 behind. They hold his body as he flails to get free. The four of them drop 

 to the ground as RICHARD lets his knees give out. We hear RICHARD’s 

 cries “Let me go! F**k you! Let me do it! I want to do it, don’t you get 

 that?!!” etc. until he exhausts himself into sobs. Finally, after what seems 

 like an eternity, the three loosen their grips and sit near RICHARD. 

 HUNTER doesn’t move or react much, stunned, not having thought 

 through what it would be like. He simply sits a beer near RICHARD as it 

 subsides.) 

RICHARD 

I’m not strong enough to beat it. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 66 

 

BRETT 

Maybe not. 

RICHARD 

It’s not something I want to find out. 

EVAN 

Bullshit. Of course you want to know. Everyone loves a good diagnostic. It’s just 

no one wants it in public. It’s why we go into the examination room alone. 

TY 

Whether you want to know or not, you can deal with the answer. You’ve already 

made it through two seizures. 

EVAN 

Not to mention a craniotomy. 

BRETT 

That should tell you you’re strong enough not to shortcut it like this. 

RICHARD 

No, I’m not. Look at me, I almost did it. 

TY 

Okay, fine, we are. We’re strong enough. 

HUNTER 

Lose a few testicles, and we got ourselves a rubber bracelet. 

RICHARD 

I’m not ready for this. 

EVAN 

In this case, being ready isn’t useful. 

BRETT 

Yeah, you sprung all this on us, we weren’t ready, and look what happened? 

RICHARD 

 (sees the beer Hunter put near him and picks it up) 

I may want to do this again tomorrow. 

TY 

No, you won’t. 

BRETT 

We’ll be here. Velosophy by Joe Thomas 67 

 

RICHARD 

 (to TY) 

How do you know I won’t? 

TY 

Because you hesitated. If you were so sure that you had no hope, no chance, no 

control, no choice, that kind of certainty would have turned to jet fuel. We would 

have reached out for you and been too late. But, you let us catch up to you. You 

blinked, and in that millisecond your eyes were closed, you saw hope. 

 (Beat) 

BRETT 

Plus, I’m really freaking fast. 

RICHARD 

We still have enough beer for the Handshake? 

HUNTER 

That one in your hand’s the last one. 

RICHARD 

Damn. Guess not. 

EVAN 

No, wait a minute, we decided on a merge, didn’t we? Expensive beers and all 

that? 

TY 

He’s right. Merge it was. 

 (All five arrange themselves in some sort of makeshift circle with the 

 passive reverence that tells us they’ve done this many times before. Gone 

 are the tribal chants and drum rolls; this must be the serious version of the 

 Handshake. RICHARD takes the beer and starts it off) 

RICHARD 

So, the Mi-some, the Brotox, tonight and…all the s**t to come. I swear on the 

Rock. 

 (He shakes the beer vigorously for a few seconds and passes it on. The 

 other four follow suit, saying only the word “Swear” and then giving the 

 can a shake. The ceremony ends at HUNTER, who is a little surprised that, 

 by fate or luck, it will be him that drops the can. He shakes the can and 

 takes it to the edge of the cliff. Everyone follows, but TY silently grabs 

 RICHARD’s arm, afraid to let him near the edge. RICHARD’s face says 

 that he’s okay, and they walk over together. As all five stand shoulder to 

 shoulder at the edge, HUNTER says “Swear” and drops the can. We hear a Velosophy by Joe Thomas 68 

 

 distant crash and subsequent spray as the can explodes. The reverential 

 silence returns for a moment.) 

BRETT 

And to think that could have been you. 

EVAN 

Not wanting us to be here was a nice thought, though. 

HUNTER 

I’m telling you, I would have looked. 

TY 

 (a hand on RICHARD’S back) 

Let’s get you home. Jenna needs rebriefing, and you have to make a doctor’s 

appointment. 

 (The following lines are as they get things together, pick up trash, etc. and 

 get ready to head out) 

RICHARD 

She’s gonna be mad about not getting the policy. It’s a lot of money. 

TY 

I think she’ll be fine. 

HUNTER 

Plus, she still gets it when and if this thing eventually kills you. 

 (Beat) 

BRETT 

 (to EVAN) 

You’re right; one smart-aleck jackass is more than enough. 

EVAN 

You know, we could stop back by Verge on the way home. Two-for-oneday 

Monday, right? 

BRETT 

Dude, we’re well into Tuesday. But, hey, why not? Richard, you in? 

RICHARD 

You two go on; I’ll catch up. 

EVAN 

 (sees BRETT’s Bible again, as they leave) 

I forgot to ask, since when are you religious? Velosophy by Joe Thomas 69 

 

BRETT 

 (a look to TY) 

Nights like tonight, it’s where I go. 

 (BRETT and EVAN exit.) 

RICHARD 

“It is always consoling to think of suicide. In that way one gets through many a 

bad night.” 

HUNTER 

I thought you didn’t read Nietzche. 

RICHARD 

Him saying s**t like that is why I don’t. You coming? 

TY 

I’m right behind you. 

 (RICHARD takes this in for its double meaning and exits.) 

HUNTER 

I’m sorry, and I’m not, Tyler. 

TY 

I know you are. 

HUNTER 

He was going to do it. I saw it in his eyes. You were right; I minimized and 

downgraded it. I couldn’t put out the fire, so I grabbed what I could and got out. I 

resigned to the fact, you know? 

TY 

I know. 

HUNTER 

God, he almost did it, didn’t he? 

TY 

Yep. You were almost right. And what would that have been? 

HUNTER 

I’m sorry. 

TY 

I know. 

 Velosophy by Joe Thomas 70 

 

HUNTER 

 (an idea) 

Tyler knows. 

TY 

What? 

HUNTER 

Brett believes, Evan diagnoses, Richard decides, Hunter critiques and disengages, 

and Tyler…knows. 

 (TY almost leaves it at that, but…) 

TY 

The day Mallory died, I accidentally left my phone at the office. Right there, on 

my desk. Left my jacket, too. Once the news started coming in and everyone’s 

phones started ringing and vibrating and the TV in the break room started blaring, 

I just bolted. I got to the subway and got as far as I could downtown. 63 blocks 

away. Then, I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out my phone to call her. 

Only my jacket and my phone weren’t there, and it took me at least 10 seconds to 

make the decision of whether to go back for them or not. I ultimately decided it 

was the best idea to get to her as soon as I could. Turns out it wasn’t. 

By the time I go there, both towers were down, and they wouldn’t let me 

anywhere near. Finally, after screaming at the FBI and almost getting arrested, I 

got a cab to drive me back to work, and, when I got to my desk, there it was. The 

blinking light telling me I had missed the chance to talk to her one more time. All 

that was left was a two minute and seventeen second voicemail. That’s it. 

I called you guys, and Richard asked where we should meet. Without thinking, I 

said “That really big rock we climbed in Central Park to watch the fireworks after 

you and Jen’s wedding.” I guess I thought I could maybe see downtown from 

there. While I waited for you guys, I made myself listen to it. The voicemail. And 

after Mallory told me she loved me and to see Greece and Australia for her, she 

said that she was going to go ahead and jump. She was so convinced the firemen 

wouldn’t get up to her floor in time. Time. A minute, fifty-one telling me she 

loves me, sixteen to explain, ten to say goodbye… 

I’ve thought about her up there, closing her eyes, not being able to look down. 

She hated heights. Finally, just…letting go, falling, maybe regretting it as soon as 

she picked up…what did Evan call it? “Velocity”? I found out later that there 

were survivors all the way up to the 92nd floor! She had an honest-to-God shot of 

getting out of there and coming home! And, after tonight, I’m never going to stop 

wondering if there wasn’t someone up there with her, a co-worker, one of the 

janitors, someone well-meaning who couldn’t or didn’t want to see a way out, 

someone who had “resigned to the fact”…who convinced the girl I loved that she 

was completely out of hope. 

 (TY goes to HUNTER and looks deep into his eyes, maybe even holds the Velosophy by Joe Thomas 71 

 

 back of his neck lovingly, hoping to sear the story and its lesson into his 

 brain. TY then exits, and HUNTER stands in the silence. He shows signs 

 that TY’s story and the events of the night are finally starting to have an 

 effect.) 

HUNTER 

Swear. 

 BLACKOUT. 

 END OF PLAY. 

Author's Note

This website doesn't have an "upload a file" feature? Well, then, I guess ignore where the page number breaks are. Because I'm not reformatting it for a text box. Thanks for reading!