I Wish I Could

I wish I could say I missed you,
That you're still with me in spirit,
And I will forever carry your heart in mine.
But you were never there,
And my heart does not know how to say goodbye.
How can it learn?
How can I part with you,
When you were never truly there?

You should have been special to me,
I should have cared for you,
We were family,
And yet, we were no more than strangers.
My heart should be aching,
My tears should be falling,
But my heart feels nothing.
It is neither shocked, nor broken,
It is not sad or unspoken,
It is simply numb.

As I look around,
Their sorrow surrounds me,
They weep and pray,
They miss and mourn you,
But I? I do not.
My remorse is not for you,
And, it is not for those who miss you,
It is for my shame.
A heartless cruelty fills my numb soul,
As I realize how evil I must be,
To find this loss to be what it shouldn't,
For I feel no sense of loss or pain.

I know my faults,
They are clear in this dusty cloud,
This disgrace, which is merely my own soul,
Cannot be sad, cannot love, cannot mourn,
Not for you,
Not for he who has destroyed me,
Not for the one who chose to send me aside,
Not even for a little while.

I wish I could say I missed you,
That these words are those of a lie,
But I can't feed you that satisfaction,
I will not mask the truth any longer.

Others may say it is over,
Now that you've left the battlefield,
But they would be wrong,
For the print you've left upon me,
Can never be erased.

I have never been afraid of you,
Nor have I ever feared for you,
It shames my soul to say,
But it frees my heart to know,
That I do not hate you,
But I will never love you.