Concrete Avenue

 

  I want to escape

   This cold, dreary town

    Where people get high

     Off dragging you down.

 

  We'll make a new world

   Where we can stay for a while,

    Where people understand

     And everyone smiles. 

 

  I'm tired of this Concrete Avenue

   Where the sky is grey and the people are blue.

  We'll build cities on clouds out of morning dew,

   With rainbows in our souls, we'll see it through,

                 Me and you.

Author's Note

Oh, look, an almost happy poem.
I rarely write those.
Feel free to criticise it, you will anyways...
Thanks for reading (: ♥

Reviews

[.shalynn.009.]

I liked the imagery in the last stanza, with the colors and the nature and slightly fantasy imagery, which contrasted really well with the Concrete Avenue (a great name to describe the town).

I really liked the addition of the "Me and you" in the end. It made the stanza have an odd number of lines, and with that, the kind of disconnect with the length of the lines, and where it was placed, you really mangaed to emphasize how the speaker and the "you" are seperate from the others in the town, differentiating them. Just as the line doesn't seem to fit in (not poetically, just in first glance and in the sense that it doesn't fit the system you have created of four line stanzas) so the speaker and the one she is speaking don't fit into the town. And because it ended the poem, it underlined how important the relationship is to the speaker, much more important than the dreary town or the other people.

Another good poem from you, this one much simpler and almost childlike, with the imagery, which fit in well with the dreaming of the future and of creating a new world. I really enjoyed reading it, as always. Thank you for the RR and keep writing your wonderful poetry.

[trainwreck]

It's true... people do get high off tearing people down. I've never really thought of it that way.

[Eile MacIntyre]

Critiscise? Never. I could never find something wrong with this poem. It has a great flow and made me smile. Splendid write!

[Caitlynxoxo]

So much to say, so little time :)

First of all, the rhyming pattern itself was brilliant. It was smooth, and flowed very nicely, which made the poem better than what it would have been had it been free verse.

Second, the poem! Oh my God! It was so great! The longing for a world of justice and fair, where there's no worries or drama... I liked it because it speaks to the reader. It's something everyone can relate to. And you protrayed that longing perfectly through a few short stanzas. :)

This was a fantastic poem! :) Thanks for sharing

xoxo Caitlyn xoxo

[Patches I'm not so new..]

I thnk "critique" would be a more suitable word. This isn't "an almost happy poem" it is IMHO, a happy one or at least one that looks forward to a happier time and the imagedry is splindidly brought fourth I LIKe this write It isn't gloomy and that is a good thing.

[MandaBear]

it was very interesting. i thought it was cute

[The Red Queen]

find alice.
I think she knows...

''where people get high off dragging you down''....favorite line and i'd be telling a fib if i said i didnt want to write it myself :)

[Craving Normal]

"where people get high off dragging you down." That really hits home to any high schooler reading this! great job!

[Alexis]

Ohhh! I like it!
"Where the sky is grey and the people are blue."
Loved that line. I had to stop and think for a second haha. It's nice to read a happier poem. Great job!

[Conner Is Dead 2/14/1..]

I wanna go there too, my world is diffrent than yours is, but my world is s**t too. I wanna be in the New created world.....