The Destruction Of Paradise

Bloodstain on the white dress

of innocent old me. 

Havoc's hell, and in the flames

I'll burn eternally.

The blade is sharp, but not enough

to cut away the guilt.

I burnt down every wall

and every bridge I ever built.

Come, watch the towers crumble, 

surrounded by the night.

I stand by and break down as

the pieces of me fight.

I can never win this battle

as the mirror cracks in two;

I'm stronger now, yet weaker,

all because of You.

 

You made me who I am

and yet it pains me to see

That all I am is not enough

But I just can't set You free.

I'm just a walking shadow, 

that song that no ones hears.

I deafened You with pain and anger, 

drowned You in my tears.

I'm the product of my parent's mistakes,

their nightmares, their fears.

And when my final words are breathed, 

they'll fall upon deaf ears.

But I'm to blame, I know that I alone

must face the guilt;

'Cause I burnt down every wall 

and every bridge I ever built.

Author's Note

I wrote this one a while back, it was the first real poem I ever wrote...
Reviews and constructive criticism are muchly appreciated (: ♥

Reviews

[Ben Taylor]

This was the first poem you ever wrote? This is really excellent..
"The blade is sharp, but not enough
to cut away the guilt."
This is your debut effort?? Holy crap. I can almost literally feel the emotion while reading this; it's beautiful.
I cannot fully determine what this poem is about, but the ambiguity makes it applicable to multiple situations.
The rhyming, as well, is wonderfully done; I barely even noticed it the first time I read this, which is how it should be. It simply made the poem flow more smoothly, and did not detract from the poem at all.
This is SO much better than my early stuff :)

[Jazique]

Nicely done for your first real poem. Its strong and descriptive and really rhymes in many ways. You did an excellent job and for constructive criticism I really have none for you spelling is flawless and your grammar is you. So well done and keep up the wonderful writings.

[.shalynn.009.]

As I've said before, you are much more advanced than most budding poets your age. The rhythm was very nice (a few slip ups, nothing monumental) with the emphasis falling on the correct words as far as I could see. And the rhyming wasn't forced or awkward, as it usually is in first attempts. The beginning imagery was quite strong, setting the tone immediately, and getting the theme (loss of innocence was what I got from the blood on the white dress) across right off the bat. This was supported by the image of the mirror cracking in two, as mirrors are often used to symbolize appearance vs. reality, which goes along with the loss of innocence as the speaker begins to see things as they really are. Good job with this, for a beinner it's very impressive. you are already a much better poet than I am, so I am happily adn graciously jealous. Thank you for the RR and keep em coming.

[Matthew vonHone]

If this is your first poem then you are truly a natural. The words love you as much as you love them. They spill out of your heart like blood upon the floor ... soaking the wood and making the world simply ... more. Excellent work. Now, no more noise about quitting ... the world would be darker for it.

[Winters_Lost_Walk]

First poem??? Wowww, amazing!!
It is very flowing and natural.

[Alexis]

Wow, you have quite a talent! This poem is amazing! Especially for your first! I'm impresses.
Overall, the third stanza is my favorite.
"I'm just a walking shadow,
the song no one hears.
I deafened You with pain and anger
drowned You in my tears." and so on. That was so good! I really did love this piece. Keep on writing, you're great!

[Ravyne Hawke]

Bravo! This is definitely one of your best poems Scooby. Perfection in Rhyme and Rhythm. When read aloud, as I do with all poems, there was not a single stumble. I love your imagery and the repetition of

'Cause I burnt down every wall
and every bridge I ever built.

is pure enjoyment. The poem is strong in its theme and is carried throughout the poem perfectly. Awesome write! 100/100 and a favorite!

[Balls:)]

wow. this is amazing... like, really great

[Katub]

This is really excellent!! I love it!! I can't..this is the first poem you wrote? wow

[Searching 4 Serenity]

I'd think you were going through some really dark times. This is superb for being your first real poem that you ever wrote.

[Midnight_Mystery]

such talent! loved this!