RIP

So, I wrote this a while ago when I was really depressed.

I undress in front of my mirror as is usual for myself. I can’t decide whether I want my hair wet. I suppose no, but I’ll leave it down. I think. It frames my face. I stare at my reflection and realize that I do what to go through with this. I briefly think about this, and I feel relief. Yes, this is what I want. I think.

            I am home alone. My bath water is drawing. My doors are unlocked, waiting for someone to find me. I’ve taken enough pills to make me oblivious to pain. I sit down and begin to write my suicide notes:

            Ashley,

                        Sweet Home Alabama, chicka. You were good to me for a while. See you on the other side.

           

            Max,

                        Yeah, I liked you a whole hell of a lot. But you had to screw with both me and Mary. This is the result if you even care.

 

            John,

                        Thanks for being there when you were. I doubt you and Megan will even care or be affected by my leaving but like I said: Thanks. And I was crazy about you.

 

            Vaughn,

                        God damn I’m gonna miss you, boi. I love you. You were the best thing. I hope to see you soon but not too soon.

 

            Mary,

                        Are you happy? I’m done f*****g with this s**t. I hope y’all are very happy. You got what you wanted.

 

            Kali,

                        I’ll miss you my redneck Italian white sister. I love you, froggie.

 

            Mrs. Marinello,

                        Thanks for being that amazing teacher. Wear blue or purple to my funeral. You always looked so good in those colors. Thanks for being my best friend. I love you, Mrs. Marinello.

 

            Mr. Wilson,

                        I know we didn’t exactly have a close relationship and all, which probably has to do with your professional attitude, which I respect even in death, but you were probably one of my favorite teachers. You taught me a lot, and you’re always interesting to talk to. I thought I’d get a hug out of you before I left school, but now…well I suppose a kiss on the forehead will work. If it doesn’t freak you out too much, if you attend my funeral, which I think you would because of this note. My parents will probably bring all of the people with notes together, and I hope it cracks your professionalism at least a little bit. I want you to make sure that everyone with notes writes me a note back. I look forward to reading yours. And as a last minute note, people say I’m psychic, and those that come to me in dreams hold a special place in my heart. Well…I dreamed of you. I hope to see you on the other side.

 

            Josh,

                        Thanks for not treating me like a sex toy. I think you actually liked me. I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

 

            Angel, Gabriel,

                        Gabriel, I know you don’t wanna hear this cause you’re hurting enough, but I love you. I really do. I’ll miss you so much. Thank you for being my angel. Besos, mi angel. Te quiero y te amo muy muy muchas.

 

            Anna,

                        Thanks for always being there. I love you and your mom. Love, Jojo

            Savannah,

                        I love you so much, girl. You’re next to my family because you are family. You were always there. Make sure my parents don’t kick Will or Gabriel out. I’ll see you later.

 

            Mamaw,

                        I’m really sorry to disappoint you, but I just wasn’t strong enough. I love you. Be strong for me.

 

            Aunt Chrystal,

                        Thank you so much for being there, knocking sense into me, teaching me, loving me above all else. I’ll love you forever.

 

            Daddy,

                        I’m really sorry. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was eating me inside out. I love you so much. I’m sorry. Those are the only two things I can say, that, and I want to hug you and never let go. I love you, Daddy. <3

           

            Mom,

                        My big thing is that you never wanted me to grow up. Well, now I can’t. I do love you, but I just don’t know what to say. I really don’t. Except that I do love you. P.S.: Stay the F**K away from Gabriel or Will otherwise you will have my angry spirit to contend with. It will teach you what f*****g with me is really like. Cause after I’m gone, what do I have to lose?

 

            Will,

                        Dear Jesus, this hurts so much. You may think I cheated on you, and I suppose I did. And I did a lot of terrible s**t to you. but if I could take it all back I would. I miss you so f*****g much. Je t’aime. I love you, Wilson. With 110% of my heart. Always and Forever. Liv and Will Together. “Say Hey (I Love You)” and “Two Is Better Than One” I love you papi,

           Love, House, Your Babygirl.

 

            Tears are strolling down my cheeks by the time I finish. I realize that it is time to go. I bring my knife with me. More tears slide past.

I slip into the water. It feels good, warm.

Rose petals float in the water.

I close my eyes. Then I open them.

I bring my right wrist out of the water.

Slash.

My flesh crawls open.

Deeper. I push myself.

I take a deep breath to prepare myself.

Slash.

The migraine medicine has stopped most of the pain but I felt that.

Blood now pours into the warm water.

I feel myself getting giddy.

I giggle.

I grapple for my phone.

Everyone is at a party without me.

I call Gabriel.

“Hey, doll.” I can feel him smile.

I giggle. “Hi, angel. I love you.”

“Babe…” he starts. “You’re drunk.”

“No I’m not.” I say soberly. “Promise me something.” I say.

“What?” He answers slightly irritated.

“Come to my funeral.” I say weakly.

“Yeah, sure, now take your drunk a*s to bed.” Someone other than Gabriel said.

“I love you.” My voice cracks. I drop my phone on the floor.

I drag my knife up my arm.

I let out a scream.

“Olivia!” I hear Gabriel yell.

“I’m sorry!” I cry. I let out a more pitiful whine before my heart has no more blood to pump out.

“Olivia!” I hear Gabriel call out one last time.

 

I feel my spirit leave my body. I look at the scene I leave: my naked form lying in a white tub full of red liquid, the water thickened by blood, the blood thinned by water.

“Come with me.” I hear a voice say to me. I turn and see a black haired angel.

“Ash?” I ask.

“Yes.” He answered sticking out a hand.

“Wait.” I say. “I want to see who finds me.”

“I can tell you. And it’s not something you want to witness. Trust me.” he tells me as he grabs for my hand. I’m gravitated toward him. “I’m taking you to your funeral where you will have to make an appearance. Your parents will make trouble.” I feel myself sneer. “Then you shall come live with me.” He smiles and rubs his head in my hair. I can only bring myself to smile a small smile. I inwardly worry that my funeral will be empty.

We appear at the funeral parlor in a pop.

“How many funerals are going on?” I ask. “There are so many cars!”

“One.” He whispers to me.

“Then it’s the wrong day or the wrong place.”

“No.” he says. “It’s the right place. Now shut up sp you can see your guests.”

“Humph.” I say. “I’m going to sit on the end of my coffin.” I say defiantly. Ash shrugs with a smile. I float in and see Michael Labbe kneeling in front of my body. He looks good in a suit. I think. I see Mr. Wilson next. He speaks softly to my dead form.

He leans over. “We had a closer relationship than you think. I certainly cared for you. It’s a shame that you didn’t make it until eighteen. You can call me a realist cynic or whatever you want, but I do have hope , and I did have hope in you.” He leans over and kisses my forehead. I sit and pout on my coffin.

“He did what you asked in your letter, hon.”

“I know, Ash. But needless to say, I had a crush on him.”

“I know.” He winks.

I see Mary and Max arguing in the back of the room. I float over to see what’s going on.

“She’s dead, Max! Take me back!” Mary says.

“No! Let me grieve.”

“Come on, baby. I can make you happy.” Mary croons. “Let’s go home.”

“No!” Max says. He pushes her away a little.

“At my funeral? I don’t think so!” I push Mary towards the door. She gasps. So does Max. “Aw, hell. I’m visible, aren’t I?”  Ash tells me yes. *pops* “Now I’m not, right?” he nods.

Mary and Max stand, looking at each other.

“That’s it.” Mary says. “I’m done! I’m leaving.” Mary turns and walks out of the door. My anger gets the best of me. I follow her and angrily slash at the back of her neck. She lets out a yelp.

I drop her butterfly knife at her feet. “Here, b***h. I got it back.” She picks it up and tries to cut me. I lash out and leave three marks on her cheek. “Don’t try. You will lose, b***h. Now leave my damn funeral.” I say as I draw back my hand.

“All right!” she screeches. I watch her run off.

“Now go save Gabriel and Will.” Ash says. “But tone down the fire.”

I find that I can simply pop in and out of places. I see Vaughn, Gabriel, and Will. I also see my parents making their way toward them.

I pop into the space between them. “I told you in my suicide note to leave them the f**k alone! DO NOT MESS WITH THEM!” I screech. Everyone gasps. “I love y’all, but this is my damn funeral. Let my friends mourn! This isn’t just for you, which is quite obvious since it’s more than just y’all here.” I say in a deadly tone. I float over to Gabriel, Will, and Vaughn. “I love y’all.” I kiss each of them on the cheek. I float over to Mr. Wilson near by. “Thank you for the kiss.” I say. I kiss him on the cheek. His hand replaces my lips. I float back in front of my coffin. I whisper a small thank you before popping out of sight. “I’m done here.” I say to Ash.

I grab a hold of Ash’s hand. “let’s go home.” He says to me. I smile and kiss his cheek.

We pop into our own realm.

Reviews

[The 13th Eros]

With each sorrowful goodbye I thought about the beautiful gift of love and life you had... and that somehow the beauty had escaped your sweet soul. Made me ache for the sadness that blinds us all from the bliss of the world. Such a meaningful, deep write.