10.Famous words 'I know how you feel'...yeah right

The aftermath of abuse

After my suicide attempt, I stupidly told a teacher who rang my mother, she wasn't happy and instead of cuddling me telling me everything would be ok, she couldn't understand why I choose to do it then when the abuse had stopped and I was safe. I guess I didn't feel safe, I had deep trust issues, I'd just been rejected by someone I'd considered my friend, and let myself trust someone all over again to be brushed of like I didn't matter.

I learnt to hide my feelings and stopped showing people the real me, whenever I got close to someone they would leave me, I found it impossible to make friends, as a child my mother moved around a lot resulting in 9 different schools. So making friends when you knew you could be uprooted anytime was difficult. I was alone with only my darkest thoughts to keep me company. Sometimes I would try to self harm but I think it was more of a cry for help. I had no one to talk.

I started as string of counselling sessions but would often get told I was to complicated and needed specialist help to deal with what I had gone through. Many would say they knew how I was feeling, but they'd never gone through anything I had. Nothing seemed to work out and added to my anxiety. I was given the complex label and ran with it. I believed I was to complicated.

I'd often reoccurring night terrors, where I would scream in my sleep. I'd dream of Steve coming to get me. I developed a deep fear of being kidnapped or attacked, if I walked passed someone dodgy or a car pulled up next to me I would bolt as fast as I could terrified, my chest would be so tight I could barely breathe, my heart hurt. This became my life.

Reviews

[LazerRays]

When my mom found out I was suicidal (I had attempted twice before) she only became suspiscious of my every move after that. I couldn't be alone, I was thought to be doing drugs, she thought I was even a lesbian! Sigh. This made me feel like she didn't trust me and so like you, I isolated myself. I had been mentally abused in a relationship and so yeah, trusting people was difficult. I was afraid of being maniupulated and used. All the counselors were telling me "oh it's just a phase"

a week later they did tests and BAM they found I had manic depression and bipolar disorder. See how everyone thought it was a stupid phase? That always pissed me off, like they didn't taker seriously; I was just another depressed f**k up to them.

I hope this works out for you, as it has for me. I'm happy to say I've fallen in love with the most awesome person ever :3 so I wish you well! And if you need to talk, I'm here for ya! I'm not those stupid paid counselors either :D

[Onlyme]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. And to help us understand how you are truly feeling. And hopefully, help someone else. Who in that same situation. Will be able to deal, cope understand with the trauma of it all. I remember all the years of counselling. And ironically it does still affect me. Even at my age now. As it's hard to trust people. But when you do. You can so easily slip back into trusting them fully. Even if you hardly know them. I have started to listen to my gut feeling more. And trust me more. The older I am getting. And also to understand that all everyone in this world is bad and evil and wants to hurt us. It's just learning to trust and be open with the right one. Takes time.

[Simone Davis]

I know my grammar is awfull and punctuation. It's a draft when I have finished I'll go back and check everything.