9.A mother's ignorance

You will become like him

As I gave my life to Jesus and navigated my way through life, I met a cute boy my own age his name was Ben. I'd listen to his stories as if they were real, we'd talk for hours and spent most weekend together. We had so much fun. As we grew closer I felt comfortable enough to tell him my secret. As I told him about Steve, he was really kind and attentive, and made me feel as though I could tell him anything.

The next day I waited for him at the school gates like usual, where he walked straight passed me and blanked me. I couldn't understand why. I later found out he had spoken to his Mum about what I had told him and he said she told him to break it of with me because I was going to become an abuser just like Steve, words that have had a servere impact on my life growing up. Even now as an adult I have an intense fear that I will become 'him' of course I won't and it's not truth but it's equally as damaging.

I couldn't believe it, that moment I decided I wouldn't trust someone so easily ever again.

I started to see the local school counsillor, he was a nice friendly caring man whom I grew fond of, I felt he was easy to talk to and tell him about my problems, took me a while to talk about Steve but I eventually told him everything and for a while everything was fine. My councillor was great I'd see him often, I would tell him about my life and he would tell me about his and his family, I remember I would often get jealous of his perfect family and felt as though I was of some importance to him as though he regarded more then just his client, I viewed him as a friend and looked up to him, but one morning I was pulled into the head teachers office where I was told the councillor could no longer see me because he felt I had become to attached and the line had been crossed. I was crushed and broken. I went to the cupboard and took 9 paracetamol tablets praying my life would be over!

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I can't tell you how many ways I can relate to your story! You do an amazing job of pouring this out with so much honesty & deep feeling, I can't stop thinking of all the ways I want to share back to you about how your story hits my own buttons too. I also felt my family shunned me becuz I am like my dad in personality -- even tho I'm not an abuser, I felt like I might have the ability to abuse. I didn't have kids becuz I didn't want to be able to abuse them if I turned out to be like dad. As for your councilor, it's common for abused people to become attached to those rare people who we feel like we can trust. This attachment can make other people feel like they don't want to be responsible for hurting us. I can understand why you felt suicidal after the break with the councilor . . . I'm glad you were not successful . . . I hope your journey is in a better place now. Please feel free to reach out to me if you feel like it. I also understand that you may disappear if you don't feel like writing about this & posting it here at the cafe. Just follow your heart & I'll be here if you want to share! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie