Hear my cry

Running running running leaving that life behind, optimism, hope, pain sorrow

Emaciated I can go on no more
Exasperated from the pain
Hunger erupts beyond my bones
Like a baby I lie, knees pulled up tucked in, I clench my stomach tightly

I pray to something, someone
Will anybody find me, hear my cry
Thirsty my withered tongue blistered by the translucent rays that burn the fibres of my bones

Life flashes before my eyes I see into a previous life
Beaten and bruised
Scolded and scarred
Tortured and starved

My dark reality has come

Suddenly my now precarious predicament doesn’t seem so bad
I wonder the life I should of had free from suffering
free from the guilt and pain

Carried by the feet of a humble man

His rescued me

But am I truly free

Author's Note

Honest reviews please

Reviews

[limoncello]

This is wonderfully written, just one or two grammar mistakes here and there.

Great job with this, and thanks for entering!
-Chandler

[Rye]

I really enjoyed this write, Laid out nicely and written well in my opinion

[mattavelli]

Hello, Simba, thank you for entering my contest again! :)
This was an interesting read.
Suggestions:
Line 14- "should of" = should have
Line 17- "his" = maybe he or he's
And throughout, I suggest adding punctuation or editing the layout to clearly show your thoughts.

[poetgurl]

I feel some emotions through out this.
you express yourself well.

[Andre]

I like the new last line.

[Andre]

I like the whole poem especially the part of "life flashes before my eyes" part cause it's true life passes by so fast. And I really felt the emotions you wanted to portray.

[Simone Davis]

Thank you I’m glad you enjoyed it I have since edited the structure and changed the last line

[AliceBarnes]

This was a very good poem that picks up on some very strong emotions and how hard people fight to survive. The imagery in this was so powerful, honestly, it was just flashing before my eyes. I really liked the structure of the earlier verses but I would have to agree with the previous comment in that since the other sentences were broken up into several parts, it just seemed a little off that suddenly it was all one line (that could purely be my OCD though). I really liked that you added the flashbacks of this persons life and I really enjoyed reading this. I look forward to reading more of your works.

[Simone Davis]

Thank you for your review I like constructive feedback I’ve edited the structure and hopefully it sounds better

[AliceBarnes]

Re-reading it, yes, I think it does. Thank you for being so nice about my comments, I hope they helped.

[R.E. Ray]

Strong content, and good job conveying deep emotional struggle, especially pain and fear. You also express hope (i.e., "I pray to something, someone"), and prayer, if nothing else, is evidence of hope.

This poem also seems like a deeper journey of self-discovery and reflection. It leaves the reader hurting but hopeful.

As for structure, you might consider breaking the last sentence into two lines, with a power statement in the last line. Just a thought.

[Simone Davis]

Thank you for your review I like constructive feedback I’ve edited the structure and hopefully it sounds better

[R.E. Ray]

Yes, it does. Great job!

[Einstein Noodle]

strong V1 in my opinion..like how you used alliteration to open L1 and 2 ..
does it challenge you to find another way to say "red hot son" ? ;) i thought at first this was more metaphysical; ... i wonder who this is and where they are and what brought them to starvation .. makes me think of all those places in the world that have had epidemic starvation to this day ... closing line reminds me of my Lord Jesus and His gift to us all ..that does free us truly ;) and so then i think this is about a starving soul .... lots of ways to take this... universal in its scope .. gives me good fodder for me noodle this morning any way it is taken
E.

[Simone Davis]

I don’t know what you mean about the ‘Son’ I simple meant it’s is hot they are in the dessert, it’s about the third world, someone who is hungry starving someone who refuses to accept family traditions who’s beaten for it subjected to abuse its also has similarities to my own mind.

[Simone Davis]

My own life sorry

[Einstein Noodle]

oops .. meant sun .. just wondered if you thought of other ways to say it ... isn't it grand how our poetry has meanings to each reader .. i did not sense abuse in this at all..."emaciated" and "hunger" and the fetal position all lent to give me the impression of starvation .. but knowing this is about abuse and re-reading it is very plane ..you are a survivor .. no small feat ..to recover from such a life is not easy ..my girlfriend is also a survivor .. many scars but her heart is filled with love of family and compassion .. quite remarkable considering ... it is good to get to know you a bit simba .. God be with you today and always .. thank you for explaining to me
E.

[Simone Davis]

Lol I wasn’t sure what you were implying, do u think ‘translucent rays of heat burn the fibres within my bones’ sounds better, that’s what I love about poetry all my poems have hidden meanings, lif throws many things at us and it’s how we deal with them that matter, I too believe in god and know what I have been through is part of the plan he has for me

[Einstein Noodle]

respect my friend ..much respect ... yeh..i agree ..all that occurs in our lives can be a part of our path to God if we just listen and obey ... to me its the obey part that presents the most challenge ;}

[Unspoken poet]

Such an emotional read, I can really feel sadness in this, but toward the end, it feels you have hope. excellent write.

[Simone Davis]

Thank you for your review