Viola

A Story by Sima Rose

A bad date leads to self-realization

I’m watching True Blood while I brush on my make-up. Eric is shirtless running around drenched in blood. I put down my brush and stare at his chiseled body. His brooding sensual eyes. My mind wanders to him slipping his strong, big hands up my short skirt and…. I shake my head out of the trance and wipe the drool of my chin.[1]

It has been four months since I’ve had sex. For a Scorpio this seems like an eternity in limbo. My problem is either men annoy me and I don’t call or I become infatuated and they don’t call. I was holding out, trying to be a lady however in the modern era, if you don’t put out on the first date you are a prude, undateable, and snobby. I’d love to stick by my morals for Mr. Right but the sexual tension has reached its height. My best friend has never gone more than 2 months without sex since her broken engagement. She feels my pain and came up with a plan.

A double date between her and her current boo, and me and his best friend. Addie instructed me to get drunk and sweep the cobwebs out, so to speak. The ache of abstinence is making my body yearn. I slap on f**k-me-pumps, a short skirt and red lipstick.

I get to my friend’s apartment.

“Are you excited?” Addie says stomping around in her high heels.

“Yeah! I need a date night. It’s been awhile,” I say leaning against the bathroom wall as she applies her make-up.

“So Keegan is in the Army, from New York City, he is fit, artsy and really sweet once, you get past his hard exterior. I think you are the type of girl that can deal with it. He’s super masculine and hot!”

“Sounds great!” I shrug nervous and unsure if our definition of hot is going to align.

“I’m so excited to Shane! I just want to jump his bones. He is so hot!”

“I’m glad you found someone you actually like.”

“Hopefully you are going to find someone you like! Let’s go.” We prance around downtown in our heels and hair waving in the night air. Cars of men are whistling at us.

Addie and I ascend the stairs. Addie is looking around the room for the guys. With no sight of them we sit at the bar and order some beers. I see two tall men approach us as we sip on our brews. Addie smiles and nudges me softly. My heart drops. My date is not attractive at all. His nose is large and crooked, he’s bald and his ears stick out. His body is muscular and massive. He’s definitely manly. Addie gives Shane a kiss.

“Hey what are you drinking?” Keegan says.

“La Cumbre Pale Ale,” I said looking into his eyes shadowed by bushy eyebrows.

“Can I try?” He says and without me responding he grab me beer. This is strike one: invasion of space.

“Sure,” I roll my eyes and look over at Addie who is enthralled with her man’s eyes.

“Let’s grab a table!” Addie says, we find the one with Star Wars action figures, “This is the only table I like to sit at!”

“These little things are probably worth a lot,” I say, trying to start up a conversation.

“I totally want to make a table like this with bottle caps,” Keegan says as he examines the table.

“What would you use?” I ask trying to stimulate some sort of conversation with this unattractive stranger.

“I would pour resin into a wood mold then remove the mold,” Keegan said.

“Ok,” I sip my beer. We continue with random conversation. It all blended together. Star Wars, working on a ranch, workout routines and what not, I drink my beer faster and faster. This is mostly guy talk.

“I think I’m going to graduate to a Manhattan,” I say looking around to find the cocktail waitress.

“I don’t think you should, that’s a strong a drink,” Keegan says and I glare at him. Strike two: I can order own damn drink.

“I drink Manhattans all the time. I know what they taste like, thank you very much,” Keegan can sense my tone is turning very angry very fast.

“Just get a light beer,” Keegan says insistently.

“I don’t want another beer,” I say increasing my annoyance of his chauvinistic manner of speaking to me.

“Try mine,” he says and I take a sip still annoyed and sigh crossing my arms.

“This purse is amazing,” Addie says as she fondles the purse and quickly changing the conversation.

“I got it at Buffalo Exchange! Can you believe it’s Armani?! It’s my favorite purse!” I say giggling a little bit. Keegan gets up, comes back with my Manhattan for me and a beer for himself. He hands it to me with an apologetic look. One strike is taken off, he is apologizing. He is learning his limits. Some men have never dated a feminist before.

“Thank you,” I smile and her cheers. A song comes on, it’s The Misfits.

“I miss real punk music. They just don’t play good music in this town,” Keegan says.

“They are literally playing punk music, right now. And Distillery plays Ramones and Souxisie and the Banshees every once in a while.”

“They don’t count,” he says blowing off anything I have to say.

“They are like the icons of punk music!”

“How would you know?”

“I used to hang out with punk kids in high school and I’ve been to a couple punk shows like Causalities, Danzig and Nekromantix.”

“Nice,” he says seemingly impressed, however I feel insulted I even have to justify my knowledge of punk music, “But this town has a horrible music scene.”

My jaw drops I’m insulted he is literally questioning everything I have to say music right now. Strike two: being a condescending prick.

“We had an amazing punk and ska scene until a major promoter left then there was no one to actually book the shows in an organized fashion. Then we had a great EDM scene before the rave task force was formed. Now it’s just metal.”

“Oh, well I didn’t know that.”

“Well I do because I’ve lived here and been an active part of the counterculture here.”

“It’s still nothing like New York when I was growing up.”

“Well I guess you know everything.”

“Hey, let’s get another drink,” Addie says grabbing my hand and leading me to the bathroom.

“Give him a chance!” She says frantically and gets out her lipstick to reapply.

“He’s an a*****e!” I say also pulling out my compact to reapply.

“He’s just trying to impress you.”

“Can you tell him to not be a condescending prick?” Addie gets out her phone sends a text over to Shane to warn him that Keegan is on thin ice and needs to calm down.

“Okay, can you please drink another drink and just try. I know you need this,” Addie says.

“I appreciate you trying to help me. You are amazing but he’s not attractive to me and he’s dick.”

“Really I think he’s hot!”

“He’s like a scary meat head with a crooked nose and bad eyebrows,” I say almost whining and Addie starts laughing.

“Well I’m sorry,” she says grabbing my hand and we exit the bathroom to the bar.

“I get he’s big and strong with a great jaw line and like Vin Diesel masculine but he’s just a prick.”

“I get it,” Addie says waving down the bartender, “He had his heartbroken and he has really high walls put up.”

“Yeah, I get it and I’ll try one more time.” I order another Manhattan and we sit down. Keegan scoots closer to me. We start talking all of a sudden, I don’t how, the boys start taking about bar fights.

“Why do you guys get in so many fights?” Addie asks.

“People just want to mess with us,” Shane says and shrugs.

“Yeah they always want to see if they can take us because we are big. That’s why I have to carry these.” Keegan pulls out brass knuckles.

“You know if you were just nice to people maybe you wouldn’t fight?” I say, getting nervous about these brass knuckles sitting on the table.

“One time this guy came up behind me and put me in a blood choke I almost passed out.” Keegan goes on about how strong he is and how beats people up.

“Then I had to rush the guy,” Shane chimes in. Addie and I look at each other with a non-verbal: what the hell?

“What’s a blood choke?” I nervously ask. Keegan puts his arm around my throat.

“This is, it’s constricts the jugular.” I push his arm off. I don’t want him touching me.

“That sounds hard to get out of,” I shrug.

“Yeah it’s impossible,” Keegan says.

“Not impossible. If you shift your weight forward enough and to get in a decent sternum shot or get your hand through enough to give you breathing room. Or you could sweep the leg and make them fall back,” I say then sipping my drink.

“Yeah girls take these self-defense classes that teach them nothing,” Keegan says. I glare at him. Strike three: being a condescending dick again.

“I’m a purple belt in Kajukenbo and Shotokan. I didn’t just taken a self-defense classes I’ve dedicated like five years in martial arts.”

“Yeah they don’t teach you how to fight for you size.” Shane says. Then I feel a hand on my thigh. It’s Keegan pulling up my skirt. I pulled my skirt down.

“What the hell?!”

“I just wanted to see your tattoo.”

“Ask don’t just pull up my skirt!” I discreetly pull my skirt to show my tattoo and ensure my vagina is covered.

“It’s beautiful,” he says. I grab my phone pretending it’s ringing.

“I need to get this,” I say and get up.

I dial my friend Dean. It rings and rings then he answers panting.

“Hey!”

“Are you busy? I’m sorry!”

“No, I’m just on the elliptical at the gym.”

“Can you come get me? Addie got me too drunk to drive and this date is going so bad. I don’t want to be alone with him!”

“Yeah sure,”

“But finish your work out and call me. It doesn’t have to be right now.”

“Good deal, bye!” I hang up and sit down again.

They are talking about fights again. Addie and I pick up our drinks and cheers. WE just listen to them talk about fighting in bars and in the street and for no reason. It makes me more and more happy this guy Keegan doesn’t know where I live or have my phone number. After twenty minutes of macho man talk Dean calls me.

“Hey!”

“Hey I’m heading over.”

“Oh my God do you need me to come over? Ok I’ll be there soon. I’m a Sister I’ll walk over.”

“Alright then,” Dean says laughing at my bad drunk acting. I hang up and look at everyone.

“I have to go,” I shake Shane’s hand.

“That’s rude to just leave,” Shane says and I roll my eyes.

“My friend needs me his aunt died!” I turn to Keegan and shake his hand. “It was nice meeting you.” He frowns. Addie gets up and whispers in my ear.

“Are you just dipping out?”

“Yep!” I say unashamed and a click clack down the street to Dean waiting in his car on the corner.

“How bad was the date?” Dean says as I get in.

“He is f*****g crazy and a jerk. He had brass knuckles in his pocket the whole date and bragged about fighting people for no reason. Then he tried to demonstrate a choke on me! Thank you for getting me I was in a bind. Addie and her date wanted to bang and I was too drunk to drive. I didn’t want that psycho to take me home.”

“OR know where you live,” Dean laughs, “I have to go to Wal-Mart but where do you want to go?”

“Can I just sleep over and you take me to my car in the morning?”

“Sure!” We pull up to the Wal-Mart and the flash of the fluorescent lights made me realize how truly drunk I was. We walked through the pet section.

“Bear needs a new bed,” Dean says looking at all the options.

“Get a cheap one he’s just going to eat it and hump it.”

“Hmmm,” he examines all the options and grabs one. We walk past some betas.

“Oh my God look how low their water is!” I say. Dean gives me the dog bed and starts filling up the little cups.

“Aw we did a good deed!” I giggle then a little white, sad beta caught my eye. The top of the container was labeled “Female.”

“Aw she’s so sad,” I say putting my face against her cup.

“Yeah the girls are ugly and everyone just buys the boys.”

“Aww I’ll love her!” I grab her and then grab a bottle of Beta Water, “She’s my new friend! Viola after Twelfth Night. A girl who pretended to be someone she wasn’t and falls in love. That’s the moral of the story.”

“I think the moral of the story was be honest and be yourself and you’ll find love?” Dean says.

“Pssh, that’s a fantasy, life blows.”

“Okay drunky, let’s get your fish and go home.”

[1]