living with ptsd

finished product, presented in form of slide show, just follow the links in the comments of this page.

calculate

'kalkj?le?t/Submit

verb

1.

determine (the amount or number of something) mathematically.

"The program can calculate the number of words that will fit in the space available"

synonyms: compute, work out, reckon, figure, enumerate, determine, evaluate, quantify, assess, cost, put a figure on; More

2.

intend (an action) to have a particular effect.

"his last words were calculated to wound her"

synonyms: intend, mean, design, plan, aim

"his last words were calculated to wound her"

There is no such thing as a wrong answer, and because of this there is no one true answer.. as being "right" is never the answer... Unless it's looking for what the 'a stands for in, 2+a = 4 where (a=2). Stupid. because in my mind 2+a = 4 only when 4 = 2a (a= 1+1) where 2a= (1+1) + (1+1) = (2 x a) = 4 because you need to count anything twice before you've done it once plus, to calculate by definition, is to determine an amount or number mathematically the dictionary example given when searching the definition gave this "the program can calculate the number of words that will fit in the space available" this is assuming of course that, in this case, that you know how much space is available to determine the amount of words/letters that would then fit inside it... it's only once reaching a boundary that we have the real capacity to create an increment... to achieve an ability to measure.

This is achieved by creating a cycle, determined once you achieve the full capacity of understanding whether or not you want to keep repeating something...

Like seconds on a clock or days in a year.. once we reach 60 seconds passed on the clock we realize it restarts, to achieve 1 cycle, only once you become aware that the function is cyclical can you begin to count the cycles, not unlike seconds, this increment referred to as minutes, then once 60 minutes is passed we come to the third increment, hours, and then 24 hours to achieve 1 day, by counting to 12 twice times by counting to 6 twice by counting to 3 twice (2 x 1 =1) to count the 4 quarters (6 hours) into 1 whole. Humans have this idea now for some reason that, if they don't have the answer for it.. then the problem does not exist.

The futility lies in the idea that understanding something foreign, is as simple as utilizing what you know already, which to an extent makes sense, as you only have what you possess to make sense of anything.. to extrapolate is part of survival, but where did you gain this capacity, schools? books? or from your parents, and the extent of their patience.. this is my understanding at the very least that, the only thing you truly learn in life, is patience, patience between acknowledgment, for whatever it may be that catches your attention. acceptance, accepting that whatever has caught your attention, is part of the happenings around you

and then cataloged as such and finally understanding, understanding why it is that it is anything at all.

For such a long time I wondered what it was I would do with my life

funny thing is that it is impossible to know.. one can have a rough idea.

Like what you might want to accomplish whilst pandering to motivations,

as opposed to how you would accomplish them, which, once you know what you want to do, its either because you did it by accident, or you have a series of functions that all adhere to a potential outcome, a trajectory based on and or limited by your understanding of how to accomplish said objective, like knowing the highest point of the space between you and say a target you are trying to hit with a ball you are throwing to achieve the easiest path to hitting your target with the least amount of effort.  

The only real thing you can be sure of in life once you've achieved a state of self awareness, is what your doing when your actually doing the things you set out to do, irony still being, that if you were to think about it as you did it, you probably wouldn't be able to achieve the same state of fluency with your doings as you did them and so the outcome changes.. and your understanding of what you were doing or trying to do changes again.. and then the follow on to what you would have done as a result of your success, almost like a hiccup.. so it is important to have a rough idea of what you want to do, but only at a level where using the skills you have already and are utilized in order to ascertain more, then as your intentions slowly culminate, you will see your plan (if plausible) slowly take place as the steps that would lead to the insistence start to highlight themselves as you would say set out to get a new job, and as you were walking down the street walking home after making this executive decision you might over hear someone looking for workers as they exclaimed to their peer/colleague/who ever .. don't take and then brush that off as coincidence... there is your opportunity and if you are not ready to take those steps that you would need to get what you want out of life.. you never will...

so realize that you are as ready as you are ever gonna be.. from the moment you open your eyes....100% Winging it all the time.....seems irresponsible.. almost reckless.. but once you have a steady rapport with your instinctive intuitions, you'll never need much to make plans as you make them in what I like to call the immediate subconscious.. becomes like muscle memory, see when you're in a state of constant momentum whether inside your mind our outside within your surroundings, and its surprising how well the brain operates in such an animalistic state of function but completely outside of the present mind see some people make decisions... some people argue with themselves.. can already without needing to know these hypothetical archetypes that they are true to they're word. don't argue with your line of thought.....the brain thinks when we're not 'thinking' about it... thousands of thoughts per second in fact but I imagine when you are constantly finding new obstacles for your own thought space that not a lot of actual thinking goes on as your brain is focused on this obstacle that you need to overcome the downfall being that these types of people won't often see the real obstacles that they need to cross because of this, like an angel calling in the background, with all that you need... but a demon stands inches from your face and so you never see the angel waiting...most people don't understand this.... metacognition is the place we go when we need to create scenarios experiments, play by plays, progressions, in order to visualize something that either can or cannot be achieved within the immediate confines of your imagination the present space is in that moment a launch pad to get to where you need to go if it is that that's the conclusion you arrived at after metacognitive deliberation's, if your always this person but never achieving your launch pad your much like the rabbit that's always late he never lives presently always staring at the clock...needing to be elsewhere and yet its funny people who don't look much at the time, I've found, always have a pretty good sense of what the time is...because they dictate their day via routine or there lack of, which in itself is a repertoire, just like any other. if your constantly trying to find an escape in your head.....then make one....else it is that you need to realize that you are stuck upon yourself and no matter where you go you'll always be just a second out of time so when people speak to or you react to do something your always one step out of being present always asking "pardon" to people speaking directly at you as your head is louder then they are.. because you start to relate to things inside your mind more then you do the outside world, much like how we more and more treat machines like people and as a result we treat people more like machines and so when that ding goes off coz you got a message from your fb friends, the conversation you were just having with your mother father friend whatever, immediately becomes second to something that isn't even happening within the confines of your immediate space and as result people are forgetting how to communicate with each other usually torn as a result of the constant chatter inside of your mind that is literally you not accepting something.. easier to hide inside of a maze that never ends.. apparently... but now when I'm travelling...in the jungle and yes this has happened more then a couple of times and I'm climbing a cliff face and a vine slips under someone atop of me climbing a cliff without any safety equipment immediately I react and make the change I need to not be a casualty, I didn't think about it... I just did it. when you are out in the wilderness or a less than the sustainable living environment, traveling through, you need to be able to count on your instincts...your friends/travel companions need to be able to count on your being a part of what's going on so if something happens and your safety is in jeopardy and someone calls to you for you to do something... you most likely won't have time to stop and theorize inside of your head, no no.. your team are going to need to be able to rely on you to move when they say move as it's probably for your own well being. Now when living in these sorts of conditions its very easy to stay present but at a cost, people who join the army despite the obvious trauma implications that one might endure, it's all exasperated by the chemicals going on in the mind.. or their lack of, I'm talking about Post Traumatic Stress.

The brain needs dopamine to survive and the more you learn ways of achieving dopamine the faster your brain will create avenues for exactly that now imagine for me that you're a run of the mill kind of guy, you didn't do much with your life

played football in high school whatever.. but then you join the army and for 6 months of the first stint in becoming a soldier you are put through the most grueling regime inside of your life so far and the so the brain is receiving an influx of the most amount of dopamine it has maybe not ever received but never this consistently and the brain gets used to it we crawl we walk we run then we learn parkour.. you join the army you pick a specialty you are filed down to only the most essential parts of yourself needed to facilitate one purpose...one function...which ultimately....is accumulating dopamine in retrospect then for how every long say you serve during a war....an intensive war...

and for weeks you're looking over your shoulders your mate's shoulders always constantly aware of your surroundings and everything that you can be privy to... constantly.. to the point where the brain doesn't have those moments ever where it thinks "um..... I don't know what to do.." it has become a machine and it knows its function well, anyway time passes and this person leaves the army....wounded in battle lets say....and he goes back to the sup par life he lived where he now realizes he spent more of his life distracting himself from the fact that he's not doing anything with it and so much so that he can't relate to it anymore and one of the unfortunate changes the brain can make.. because after a few weeks there's only so much excitement you can get from family dinners can bring.

After going through such intensive periods of dopamine influx to nothing the brain (like any dependable drug addict) gets a bit ancy.. and if you can't find a way to replace the extreme lifestyle or dopamine dependencies, the brain has many avenues to find it.. uses a chemical called cortisol, in this instance, to achieve dopamine it will find it by any means necessary if your not learning you need to be running.. doing anything.. don't stop moving because when you do and your constantly in a state of not knowing what you're doing or which way you're going the brain loses faith in its ability to achieve the goal whatever it might be.. which at the end is attached a nice little packet of success, the dopamine reward, which teaches the brain to expect the same under repeated circumstances, now once the brain loses faith in itself it will start to attach interest to fear anger pain as these just as any other can be fantastic mediums that can be utilized, in order, to achieve that hit...

the pitfall is that your brain learns that it can get dopamine without you needing to be in control, in fact, on the contrary, it relies on your uncertainty to create a state of being prone to fear, and as your senses begin to detach from what it is you want them to do, say you're trying to have a conversation with a person, but you can't hear them because your brain can hear elevated voices outside and immediately adrenaline spikes a little.. and the more times this happens the less important conversations become to the learning center that is your brain and the more important paying attention to the goings-on around you that you cannot see nor control become the focus and slowly due to stress part of the frontal lobe shrinks and another becomes enflamed, making you more inside of a constant alpha brainwave always flight or fight. constantly late to be anywhere but where you are

Make sure you always take as much time as possible twice what you would normally allow yourself to do a task before becoming bored and restless with every facet of your life... this way eventually you will just be comfortable no matter where you are.. you will come to greet the challenge of facing off against your impatience for the little things that seem unimportant. 

Author's Note

Inspired by Life experience. My Own, Friends, Family, and all the beautiful people I have had the privilege to get to know, understand and grow from all thanks to simple shared experience.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

You are very wise. I will return and I will read again. I was a soldier and the Army made us do the anthrax shots. I was force to take 11 of them. Took my memory away. I must read non-stop and I tried to write. The mind is a machine. It must be aided. I do the natural cures to keep the brain working. Thank you for the interesting and details thoughts shared. I did enjoy.
Coyote

[Simbles]

https://commaful.com/play/blakers/living-with-ptsd/

[Simbles]

https://commaful.com/play/blakers/part-two/