Weather on My Body

This piece explains my relationship with the changing seasons, as dictated by my bulimia.

The other day I sat on the sidewalk and let the sun shine down on my back. I cherished its warmth, and relished in the moment that it warmed my entire body.

It felt so new- so different, because for quite some time now the only thing my body has felt is cold and quaky. Perhaps that is the inevitable result of enduring a bulimic-infused winter.

The cold mornings wrapped around my skeletal body the way that honey plants itself into the delicate suckle. I felt so tortured by the cold air, and the way that it brushed so harshly against my skin. I soon found that living that way made my life seem even more destitute than it already was, and the days did not just "feel" longer- they were longer. Each was colder- tougher- lonelier than the last.  I believe I was around the age of 16 when winter became a depressive time in my life- for I remember the agony of dealing with keeping my body warm. As I continue to write this piece, I wonder if perhaps this I never really stood any chance at all against this disease that I live with because coldness deteriorated my body even long before bulimia I ever exposed my soul to it. This sheds light on a piece of the regret that I am living with in my life at the moment; and I think about all of the chances that I had in my power to put a stop to all wrong happening to me. But then, I believe that thee root of regret is naivety- it is unknowingness. If human beings had the power to completely understand the implications of their engagement with things that enter into their lives, regret would not exist. Now, that does not go to diffuse any such responsibility from the human, it just offers some ease.

The spring months had not done my body much justice either- as the cool breeze that many people splurge in after enduring the long winter months did not feel much different to me. It sent shivers down my spine, and the sun really had no particular use at those points.

But now the summer months are slowly encroaching, and I feel so much confusion and even more frustration as I attempt to decipher that confusion. Should I feel too warm? Or should I in fact be happy and cheerful that there is some inevitable heat to provide my body with? Everyday I rest my body in my bed, and my natural response to lying in that fetal position is to cover my body up with layers of blankets in order to warm my body; but as I do, I remember that my body does not feel cold, and that those months are finished with for the time being. I cannot help but to think that my insides are so cold and solemn- my heart, my brain- that I unconsciously feel that on the outside of my body as well. If that is the case, then, I will never be warm. Summer will never hold the same weight on my body that it had for many years, and winter will forever be engraved inside of me- unbreakable, and unable to be surpassed by any force.

What is so difficult about this disease that I live with? It is just that- it will never be away from me. Although I cannot see past my disease into the whelm of recovery, I know that if I ever do reach that point in my life, bulimia will never truly be gone. I believe that many people who recovery simply learn to allow the disease to constructively integrate itself into their lives so that they can be productive. Those, like myself, who have not recovered, are blindsided by the disease. No future can be seen without the lens of this disease, and the view that I see in it is so sweet and miserable.

Reviews

[I am that I am]

You are very good at expressing yourself, Silwany_F. Know this, you cannot be broken. The body may feel broken down. The mind may feel broken down. You however, cannot break down. The body can break the mind down, and the mind can break the body down; but you will always remain strong. This disease will not always be with you. Unlike you, this disease will break down, and be no more. Tell me, when you fall asleep, and are at peace within; with no dream or fear; is this disease with you in that moment? When you sit with the sun to your back, cherishing its warmth; is this disease with you in that moment? This disease is inconsistent; it will inevitably perish. You are strong, and deep rooted; what you truly are can never perish. The lens of this disease that you see the world through, cannot stay forever; even if it truly wished to. You are too strong, and it will inevitably cower at your unrelenting strength to put up with it; and your power to never be broken by it. Like water, calm and delicate, crashing against the rocks, the rocks will inevitably erode away; and the water will remain, strong as ever. Water adapts, taking the shape of whatever it is contained in. You are water, Silwany_F. Thank you for sharing this piece with me.