In My Heart

This is truly from the heart...as I lay awake, in the wee hours of the morn, unable to turn my mind off...A letter, of sorts, to one whom I love.

What right have I

To bid you stay?

How cruel my will,

Longing for you to remain?

Surely, if any deserved the peace

And freedom of Heaven,

It is you.

Why should I be so selfish;

Demanding, in my heart,

That God let you live?

For, truly, you would not Live

If you stayed;

Your body worn and battered

By the evils of so unbiased a disease.

It does not care that you are yet young,

But has ravished your being beyond care.

Why do I still cling to the hope

That our Lord will give you unto me?

How wretched my heart can be!

How contemptible and self-serving my mind!

My Spirit rejoices for

And is envious of you;

That you shall meet our King

And walk free of pain and heartache.

And yet I cannot help but feel anguish

At the thought of losing you.

Do not think ill of me,

I pray.

But think of me and know

That I shall hold you

In my heart,

With the deepest fondness,

Until I have breathed my last.

Author's Note

Image credit: Samantha-meglioli on deviantart.com

Reviews

[Blue]

You pierced my heart with this one, Elina. Your words are heart-shattering. I also admire how your faith shone in this piece. God bless you.

[Elina]

Thank you, Blue.

[NK]

Its eerily beautiful.
The pain and the depth of it is astounding on several levels.:)

[Elina]

Thank you.

[00000000000000000000000..]

I feel you in all, Meaning I know that feeling,You did awesome.

[Elina]

Thank you very much.

[0000000000000000000000000000]

Your very welcome:)

[Clockwork]

After I read this one, I thought back to the first one I read from you, the poem where prayer became poetry. Your're faith is very strong in this poem. I can almost hear it ringing, like a church bell. You're love is strong in this one as well. It's a wholesome love, like a scene from a stained glass window.

You're right. This situation really does seem complicated. However, you're heart seems to be in the right place. If your love lives, he gets to enjoys the cornucopia of gifts the lord has left on earth. Hoping that one of those gifts may be your companionship isn't as selfish as you think. If he does remain, it seems that he would face many struggles, as you mentioned when you refereed to the disease. Maybe in the end what he needs is an angel, someone who would care for him as his needs require, someone like you.

One again, I send my best wishes to you both.

[Elina]

Thank you, again, for such a lovely review...and for taking the time to read my writing.

[Clockwork]

You're welcome. Thank you for reading mine as well. The poem you Favorited was written for someone I loved and lost.

[Elina]

It was beautiful, in a haunting way! I love good imagery, and you did a splendid job with it. I don't use much imagery in my poems, but in my books and short stories...oh, golly. I love showing the details of various things; I really want people to see those worlds as I do.

[Clockwork]

Thank you, I hoped it would be.

I would be interested to see you give imagery a shot in your poetry. I would really be interested to see what you came up with.

[Elina]

I shall certainly attempt that. I, too, would like to see what I could create. And I will be sure to let you know when I've created something with a good bit of imagery.

[Clockwork]

I look forward to it :-)

[Sami Khalil]

A wonderful romance poem...:)......................

[MAC]

beautifully romantic......just lovely ~sigh~

[Elina]

Thank you.

[Eddie Davis]

Elina, that is so very sad, but also so very wonderful in your love expressed for the well-being of the person in this poem. It is sometimes the most difficult part to pray for release from life to free a loved one of suffering. You express it beautifully. It is something I have gone through -- 16 years ago this very month my mother died of cancer and I watched her deteriorate for months. I really relate to this poem.

[Elina]

Thank you, Eddie, for such kind words. The last nine months have been full of the ups and downs that come with finding that a loved one has cancer; the uncertainty, the constant back-and-forth of "things are looking up" and then "now things are getting worse." Every time something seemed to be going right, he would go in for a another scan and be given not-so-lovely news. I'm sure you understand exactly, since your mother battled cancer, too.
There have been countless times when I have really, desperately want to be angry with God. He has been so good to me and has remained constant and patient even in my frustration. This time has certainly been forcing me to work on my faith.
Thank you, again, for reading and for so lovely a review.

[Eddie Davis]

Elina, God will be there too if the battle is lost and he passes away. In fact, in my experience, that was when I felt God the nearest was right after my Mom died. I was very close to her, and I never thought I would be able to handle her death, but God sustained me and even gave me a rather mysterious sense of peace. He is not so petty as to be offended at your anger and doubt. These are normal reactions. Two and a half years after my Mom died with Cancer, on my birthday, my dad died suddenly from an apparent heart attack and I went through a different kind of grief and pain, but again God sustained me. I've learned that God will not abandon you even when you feel you have abandoned Him. Don't be afraid or ashamed of your emotions and don't hide them from God. Rage, scream and even curse Him, He will be able to take it and will still love you and forgive you. Cancer is not not His will, it is a condition of this corrupt world, and He does care. The ups and downs of cancer treatment will wear you down, Elina. You must not think it selfish to think of yourself sometimes. It is alright to do this, believe me. It won't make everything you and your loved one is going through any easier to bear, but it will give you some release for a while. Do something for yourself occasionally. Right after my Mom died, I bought a new computer -- it seems really odd, but it helped me focus on something other than her loss. Do something fun and relaxing when you get the chance. I will be praying for you and your loved one's battle. I do understand and if you need to talk to someone or just rant and rave, please feel free to lean on me.

[Elina]

I know that God will be there, no matter the outcome. My fear is for my own heart; I never want to become bitter because of things that life has thrown at me, so I am constantly evaluating myself (my reactions to things, my thought process, etc). I only ever want to handle trying situations with grace and a peace of mind. As for hiding my feelings from God...there are no worries there. He is the one I always turn to; I've not really expressed much of anything to others throughout much of this -- not wanting to seem a nuisance or self-absorbed -- so every thought, every frustration, I have taken to God. He has truly become my refuge these last months; even when I become angry at what would seem to be His silence and inactivity (though, of course, I know this to be untrue; He works in ways I will never understand).
I want to thank you, Eddie; for the encouragement, the prayers, and your friendship. Although, I must say...I actually read your second comment hours ago, right before heading into work, and I was practically blubbering! So thanks for making me cry right before I had to be around loads of strangers. Haha!
In all seriousness, though...thank you for everything. It is truly appreciated.

[Eddie Davis]

Just remember, Elina, that God is a God of fellowship. He told us to 'bear one another's burdens'. He doesn't expect you to soldier on alone, carrying the weight of pain and bitterness in your heart. In fact, carrying it without letting it out is what usually causes it to fester and bitterness grows. It is okay to be fragile and to not react perfectly in stressful situations. You are right taking all your emotions and feelings to God, but often God uses his servants to be, as it were, 'Jesus with skin on' for us. That is why Christ commanded us to 'Love One another'. So one person doesn't have to struggle alone. I'll keep praying for you -- and your family-- today and in the upcoming days.