As I Fall

An older poem of mine. I think I wrote this three or four years ago.

As I fall down upon the barren earth

And struggle to regain my proper role,

My pride attacks with fierce and ruthless mirth;

A lion tearing through my weary soul.

He leaps and roars and strikes with steady claws,

And even as I call your name aloud,

His master stalls my thoughts, and shows my flaws,

And blinds my sight with his deceptive cloud.

He screams out loud; pulling me farther down.

Corruption spews from lips of Evil now.

Words shred my soul; they crush me in the ground;

And yet he waits for me to bow?

But now, while praying up to your great sky,

No longer bound to earth; instead I'll fly!

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Develops well in the lines of this sonnet...
gives us a story of action...
yet in keeping with the strict form...
I have an option in the last line:

No longer bound to earth; instead I'll fly!
No longer bound to earth; I'll not deny!

seems rushed in last part of this verse...

[Coyote Poetry]

"But now, while praying up to your great sky,
No longer bound to earth; instead I'll fly!"
I like the feel of struggle leading to the positive ending. Prayers do get us free from struggle and bad times. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Elina]

Thank you for the review. I am glad you enjoyed it.

[Eddie Davis]

A very descriptive poem, you seem to make it look so easy and sound so lovely. Very good symbolism. 'Satan is a roaring lion'.

[Elina]

Thank you. The visual I was going for was pride as the roaring lion; Satan his master.

[Eddie Davis]

That's very logical.

[S.J. Holmes]

Wow, this is amazing and I love it and, as a whole, flows perfectly, it's catching. I love it and I'll be reading more of your work.

[Elina]

Thank you, very much.

[Thaddius]

now this is my style! Love this stuff. Great command of the rhyme. It's so good I'd suggest there's a way to fix the voice in line 12, to make it stronger and hide the seams of your craft. I'm sure you know what I mean.. great job

[Elina]

Thank you. And, yes, line twelve bothers me a bit, but I've not yet found something that works the way I like. Thank you for the review.

[Thaddius]

this is just a thought:
he screams out loud; pulls me farther down
corruption spews from lips of evil now
words shred my soul, crush me to the ground
and yet he waits for me to bow

I mulled it over, and I think the problem is that the rhetorical 'wtf' device not only forces wordiness in that line, but detracts power. The rhetorical device is already built into your storytelling I believe: it's up to the reader to go, wait, what?

It's funny I just posted a poem that reminds me of this. It has a bit of lion imagery and is in the sonnet structure. Look at it if you get the chance!

[Elina]

Thank you! That flows far better. I will change it. And I will take a look at your poem.

[Saddam]

But now, while praying up to your great sky,
No longer bound to earth; instead I'll fly!
This is very nice sonnet from you dear, love your imagination and well placed words.

[Elina]

Thank you.

[Octavian]

Wow that's a fantastic poem;), brilliant and fluent in structure. I followed every word and loved it.

[Elina]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^

[Josh Dollar]

Good job. I like the style of your poems.

[Elina]

Thank you.

[SmileOfARebel]

Your poem is admirable of the references, courage and strength each line possessed. To easily show those traits through the meaning of the references like Corruption and the lion shows your poetry ability. :-)

[Sue Hart]

This one I had to read twice to follow it. Pride, the lion, rips at the soul of men. Right? I saw the effects of it too. If you have a further comment on this poem for someone like me who's new to poetry, I am all ears.

[Elina]

Well, for being newer to poetry, you were spot on. But, then, I'm not terribly mysterious with my poems. Yes, this is a poem about pride, and my own struggles with it.

[Sue Hart]

I'm glad you aren't "MYSTERIOUS" with the poems. Why shouldn't they reach even people like me? Those too hard would send me running. Eventually, I may get better at it. Now I'm crawling through them. Thanks.