Belle Fille

********Okay so this is going to be i need your help. I have written this in two ways. Posting part one anyone can be like "YO i like version one" or "Well to be quit honest i like verion 2" or hwo ever you would say it ^^ thanks*******

 

 

Version one:

Part One: Angel

Fire danced with in the sparkling eyes of the man I once loved. The man who’s soul I could no longer recognize as if he was a different person. Burning tears betrayed me when the slipped out of my eye down the curve of my cheeks. Looking down to the ground, to hide from the hatred daggering from his eyes.

A pain inside burned blood with in my heart. Swelling with a hard to breath pain. Tighter as it got, the more I wished to be gone from this area where my feet were stationed. Turning around to look away cautiously not confident that he wouldn’t do anything when my back was turned from him. With a gulp of air to try and calm self, only had nerves more rigid then before. Running forward feet squish through thick water, which absorbed my weight. Water droplets slid down each leg.

A heat of fire rose behind, melting into the shoes I wore, smothering the souls of my feet. Fear spilled with in me, goose bumps wrapped around me like a blanket. Bumps all over the flesh I was in.

A Steal cold tree branch wrapped around my ankle having me drop with a shriek. No pain was felt till my face hit rock. Moaning in pain at the contact of rock and scull.

Attempting to stand up with a pressure against my leg like someone trying to prevent me from getting up. Having hands wrapped and my hips to flip me, breathing in sharp air when I got turned around. Looking into the eyes of the monster I had mistaken minutes ago as a tree.

Taking a deep breath in, preparation for a scream. Mid scream a hand was pressed against my face, nails dug into my left cheek cutting into the skin. Warm blood mixed with the fearful tears that were free falling as is. Couldn’t fight if I wanted with his chest pressed against mine.

Lips were lowered to my cheek kissing each blood tear from my cheek. His lips were dancing across my face to my jaw, with a warm feeling of joy almost at his velvet lips touching me again. Trailing he kissed down the vein in my neck where the joy was stopped and replaced with a sharp pain.

 

Version two:

 

Part one: Angel
Fire danced in the sparkling eyes of a man I loved. A man who’s soul I knew better then that of my own. Now, I couldn’t recognize it from that of a thousand strangers. Eyes burned feeling the tears betray my, slowly dampening my cheek. Eyes moved from his to the ground. I had no wish to see the hatred daggering toward me from his own eyes.

Heart burned, with a hard to breathe pain. From the pain of losing him. Losing someone I had loved. Someone I would have died for. The tighter I felt the pain the more I had wished to be gone from there be gone forever and not look back. Looking up though eyes trying to stay on his chest trail his body so I wouldn’t be hypnotized by those eyes.

Failing at all attempts my eyes were looking into his deep eyes. Silver as the moon above me, yet they sparkled like gold. Why had it happened to us? We were the perfect couple that one couple everyone wished to be. We hadn’t had a fight not once. Didn’t have the little arguments most couples had. The incident just…changed everything.

What he had become, what he still was? The eyes I looked at weren’t the eyes of whom I loved. Not at all but the creature, he had become. Looking away from his eyes finally realization not giving me the ability to look at him.

Spinning fast enough giving my self a slight headache at the quick, instant movement. Running with feet being suctioned against the ground through thick water. Mud slid down each bare legs leaving a cold cold track.

Adrenaline was pumping through my veins. I was going to get away from him. Never again would I look into those lovely eyes. Cold air had goose bumps hug my entire body into a blanket of bumps.

 

Foot get caught under a tree root, flying forward face smashed into the ground. Gagging with dirt in my mouth trying to get rid of the taste. Turning around to get back up.

 

Once eyes were looking upward and not towards the ground, they were staring back into those silver eyes.

 

“Belle fille” he smiled. Teeth sparkled reeling me in slowly as if I was a fish and I had been caught by HIS line.

 

I couldn’t let them hypnotize me, eyes always glued me. Hooked me to him like a girl stuck with in the grasps of her lover, Yet this man wasn’t my love just a man and nothing more.

 

Distance was to great I knew this for a scream to be heard. Though it didn’t stop me from opening up my mouth to scream. A hand steal cold, nails razor sharp stopped it. Left cheek felt more tender, butter that a stake knife was digging into. Melting blood onto the surface dripping down to a puddle at my chin.

 

Wiggling at the feeling of lips against my cheek. Not recognizing what he was doing to me till the blood felt dry. Stopped, the lips didn’t stop at my check.

 

Moving across my face following the sharp chizzle of my jaw till he found my neck. Kissing it, sucking it. The feeling was great almost magical to me. The joy the sexual feeling changed a sharp prick hit my throat. A sound of “sheee sheee” of his mouth sucking out my life’s blood.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Silver Starr]

:) woo thanks dutch jr. and E.L foley. I agree with Duth the second one is more vague then the other one kind of. Yet i found V2 a little to...descrptive? am i wrong? Umm...and E.L Foley I love the similie my self kind of a visual intrest

[Dutch Jr.]

I like version one better, since it is a bit better flowing as far as expression of the feelings go; version twois a bit too vague, and may distract the reader. it also has more choppy sentences, whereas version one, as stated before, comes across more fluently. Both are good writes, but version one is exceptional. Vey nicely done.

[E. L. Foley]

I definitely prefer version 2 to version 1, though I'm not entirely certain if I can be specific as to why. I do think that the second version could be extended--draw out the action a bit. I would also suggest that you vary the sentence length a bit. My only real problem with v2 is that the short sentences make the narrator seem a bit detached. Overall, I like it and would like to read more of this story. I really like the line you put in your description "“Belle fille” he smiled. Teeth sparkled reeling me in slowly as if I was a fish and I had been caught by HIS line. " Great simile.