One Cut

A Story by SilvAine

The story from inside one cutters mind that tells of how it can all spiral way to fast.

All it takes is just one choice that can take you down a road from which will forever be a step away to help you detour from life. For mine, the choice was an easy one, the hard part comes from keeping that pathway hidden behind the brush and wrong way signs.

The story starts out as many others. Love gone south and hearts broken to the point of no return. I knew not where to begin picking up the pieces. It seemed much easier to go one smashing and grinding them into the ground more and more. Rereading saved texts, listening to their voice recordings again and again. That is the kind of self torture that no one frowns upon because its never seen. I could not continue, so I had come to a fork in my path of life. I could take the one that went to a dead end, or I could journey to one that held the promise of a faded chance.

I remember gazing upon a friend's skin, noticing the shiny marks that she never spoke of. But, she always seemed happy. I picked what seemed like the less of two evils that night. As I held the cool tool in my hand, the power of it almost vibrated with intensity. That one cut was all it took. I was raised to what seemed like a higher being. I didn't think about him, I didn't think about any hurt or pain or emotions. All I could see was the beauty.

The beautiful white skin, perfectly innocent. The powerful tool used to at first just skim across and then watching the crimson red seep over. Watching this sight was like no other high I had ever experienced in the world. It was better than love, better than hate, it was peace.

It took just that one cut to shut everything up and out. It had been so long since I had not had to fight the battles in my head of all the wrong doings that the first thing I did was lay down and fall asleep with no night mares coming to me that night. It was wonderful, but it didn't last long.

A couple days later, I could just see a mark. The emotions had come back, the pain and hurt and again the urge to bring back all of those old memories. Being without them for those couple of days had made me vulnerable to the full force of it. I knew how to fix it then. My new best friend, my worst enemy.

Time and time again I did this song and dance, until the days between became shorter, and the marks were multiplying. At first, it was glorious because I was finally feeling in control of myself, of everything. I felt an emotion I didn't like, boom easy fix. Had a thought I didn't want, done. I had even been able to stop listening to those damn messages I could recite by heart.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but my control started to slip. Instead of being in control, I was starting to become controlled. Waking up, I needed a mark. Leaving the house I needed a mark, going to bed I needed a mark. I could clearly see that I had lost what I thought was my control on my demons. I was done with not being in control.

Sadly, I put my foot down. I couldn't continue to allow control of myself to be handled by other people or things. The hardest part was giving up that tool, hiding it away. I looked at it daily, watched the last of my marks fade away. When they were gone, I even gave up the bracelets that stood for everything I was going to have to hold one day.

So remember, before you make that decision, all it takes is one.