The Numbness

 

The Numbness

After a while, the process of getting hurt and the actual pain wears out your ability to feel. This is when the numbness kicks in. It allows your mind and body to shut out the negative energy and rest as it prepares itself to heal. I hope that this part of my poetry shows you that numbness is okay to feel, but only for a little while.  Be careful not to let it take over and control you forever.  

Can't Sleep

I can't seem to sleep.

I keep yawning.

My eyes keep closing.

Yet here I am still awake.

 

My mind is racing.

Racing with thoughts of you.

With you and what happened between us.

I still can't believe it.

Did it really have to end so swiftly?

 

I can't seem to sleep.

I keep yawning.

My eyes keep closing.

Yet here I am still awake.

 

It seems so far away,

What happened between us.

Yet it was not so long ago.

The little moments all in my memory.

In my memory to last a lifetime.

 

I can't seem to sleep.

I keep yawning.

My eyes keep closing.

Yet here I am still awake.

 

What is it I am feeling?

This feeling that traps me.

Keeping me from sleeping.

I can't really tell.

Will I ever be able to?

 

I can't seem to sleep.

I keep yawning.

My eyes keep closing.

Yet here I am still awake.

 

Dying On the Inside

I sit and simply stare into space

I do not wish to move nor speak

I do it only to seem normal

I want to appear okay

But on the inside I am dying

It hurts so much

I do not know why but it does

I am depressed for no known reason

All I know is it is killing me

I hate this feeling

But I will pretend to be fine

Even though I am dying on the inside

 

 Emotionless

I don’t know what I feel.

Maybe I can’t feel anymore.

My mind is blank.

My heart is numb.

I often stare into space thoughtlessly.

If my mind isn’t jumping around there is nothing there.

I am becoming emotionless.

 

Giving Up

I want to stop fighting

I do not want to try

I want to lay down

Right there on the floor

I want to lay on the floor and never get up

I want to just fall into an eternal peaceful sleep

In my heart I am giving up

My mind blocked out all of the good things in my life

I cannot feel the happiness that I once had

It is gone from my soul

All that is left is hopelessness

Hopelessness and despair

I refuse to fight anymore

I am tired of trying

I am giving up

 

Hitting the Ground

 

The falling is done

Now I am hitting the ground

It hurts

No one is there to catch me

Now I am breaking into pieces

Who will put me back together?

Who will pick me up?

Will anyone show me how to heal from the landing?

I am paralyzed

The pain is more than I can take

I am not falling anymore

No, I have hit the ground

Hard

Shattering me into pieces

 

Insanely In Love

Have you ever been to that point?

The one where you imagine things you want to be true?

I’m there.

I imagine him still saying he loves me.

Imagine his voice calming me in a storm.

Imagine his arms around me as I cry.

I imagine that he is just casually walking around my home.

The only part of this…

That doesn’t make sense…

Is the fact he is nowhere near me.

Yet it is all so real.

So real I almost believe it.

So real, I sometimes fall for it.

That is how

Insanely.

In love.

With him.

I am.

 

Losing Strength

I feel weak,

Like I can’t do this anymore.

I know I’m strong,

But I’m not invincible.

When I lost you,

I lost strength for everything.

To hold on,

To let go,

To hold back tears,

To cry,

To laugh,

To smile,

To focus,

To believe,

To hope,

To move on,

To stay still,

And to let anyone else in.

Most of all,

To love anyone else or feel at all.

Without you,

I am losing my strength.

 

Lost

He is trying to leave

I cannot let him

I am a lost sheep without him

I need him by my side

I do not know what I would do without him

I am there through thick and thin,

Forever and Always,

No matter what

Without my Angel,

I would be lost

 

Undeserving

I cheat on you

I lie to you

I keep secrets from you

You

The most amazing guy I have had

You are sweet and kind

You are honest

You are faithful

Not perfect

Just close enough

I do not deserve you

You are better than me

I am a thief

I steal hearts

I use them and damage them

Giving them back once the damage is done

I do not deserve you

I am already damaging your heart

You just do not know it yet

I feel I am about to break it

You should take it from me quickly

Do not give me a chance to break it

I do not deserve you

Not one bit

I am undeserving

 

Unsure

I don’t know what this is.

I can’t yet understand it.

I am happy.

That is all I know.

 

What is it I am feeling?

It can’t be love.

No, not yet.

Then what exactly is this?

 

I am unclear on it now.

Perhaps time will reveal it.

Maybe the fog will lift up.

Then I will see it.

 

You make me strong.

You give me a new reason to live.

I have yet another reason to press on.

Why I don’t know.

 

I swore not to say the four letter word again.

At least not until I believe I can feel that again.

So what I am feeling now?

That feeling that has me so unsure?

 

Weak

I do not want to try anymore

I am done fighting for life

I needed help

No one gave it to me

Now I am dying

You see what they did to me?

They pushed me aside

Just when I needed them most

Then they forgot about me

They forgot they set me aside

Now I am done

Surely they will not miss me

They already have forgotten me

After all,

I am weak

The Weight Is Pushing Down

The weight is pushing me down

It has me flat on the ground

It will not let me go

I am trapped under it

Under the depression

It keeps me from breathing

It keeps pushing me down

When it gets too much it hurts physically

I cannot get it off of me

No matter how hard I try

The weight is pushing me down

It has me flat on the ground

It will not let me go

 

 

What is love?

What is love?

That brings so many people together?

That tears so many people apart?

That brings smiles and laughter?

That brings tears and grief?

That gets people to hang on through thick and thin?

That gets people to let go?

That makes the best days in life?

That makes the most painful days in life?

That heals so many?

That breaks them beyond repair?

 

 What is love?

Is it that small touch of the hand that shoots jolts of electricity throughout the body?

Is it that aching pain that is left from knowing you will never feel them again?

Is it the sight of someone that sends your heart to flutter erratically?

Is it that sense of loss that you get knowing you will never see them again?

Is it the small mention of that name that makes you smile a real smile?

Is it that grief that causes you to never be able to smile again?

Is it that heavenly feeling you get from just knowing they are yours forever?

Is it that painful blow that you get from knowing they will never be yours?

Is it the joy you get from knowing you are their everything?

Is it the hurt you feel from knowing you mean nothing to them?

 

What is love?

 

What would be better?

Should I stop being your friend?

Should I completely let go of you as even that?

Should I erase every little thing that would remind me of you?

Should I avoid every song I love just because it reminds me of you?

Should I stop talking to you?

Should I give up every memory of you?

Should I leave my old life behind along with you?

Should I stop caring?

Should I stop wanting the best for you?

Should I stop loving everything about you?

Should I stop remembering all the good times we shared?

Should I stop remembering how happy i made you?

Should I stop reminding myself im not yours?

Should I stop reminding myself that I was the one that destroyed us?

Should I stop reminding myself you are with someone else?

Should I stop knowing that I will never be with you again?

Tell me, what should I do?

 

Why do I hurt?

I don't know why I'm upset.

 

Is it because I could have prevented it?

Is it because I caused you pain?

Is it because you are in pain?

Is it because I feel slightly betrayed?

Is it because I feel you've completely left me alone?

Is it because I know I hurt you?

Is it because I know I could have done something about the secrets I knew you had?

Is it because I know it's my fault?

Is it because I know that I'm dying without you?

Is it because now I realize that I screwed up once more?

Is it because now I realize just how cold hearted I truly am?

 

It could be one or more and possibly all of these.

Only I do not know the answer myself.

 

Why Do You Do That?

I do not understand it.

Why do you break me down,

Only to build me back up?

Why do you hurt me,

Only to help me?

Why do you make me cry,

Only to make me laugh?

I really do not get it.

You threaten to abandon me,

Only to stay.

It makes no sense.

Why do you do that?

 

Worsening

The pain keeps getting worse

The scars are getting numerous

Sometimes even deeper

I do not know how much longer I can do this

How long I can go before I lose too much blood

I am losing it

I already lost my emotions

My mind is nearly gone

I am so numb with pain it hurts

Nothing is getting better

It just keeps worsening

Author's Note

See book notes