The Hurt

 

The Hurt

The process of getting hurt was not a fun experience.  It caused many tears and now you have been left with the aftermath; pain.  There is nothing worse than pain.  Especially when it is caused by people you cared about.   You have yet to stop feeling the hurt.  It’s going to be a long, difficult, but not impossible, journey.  This portion has been written to show the different levels of pain people, such as myself, experience. I hope that if nothing else, you at least take away that there is someone who can relate to your pain and that you are never completely alone in the way you are feeling.

Barely Holding On

My mind, it wanders

My eyes, they search for stars

The clouds hide them from mine view

As I write in pale light

My heart, it seems to sink

My eyes, they only blink

As I lose my wills

My emotions, they seethe

Not allowing me to breathe

I wish to break free

My eyes to see

The hope in life

A world without strife

My heart fills with grief

As I search for relief

Just trying to hold on,

At least until dawn

 

Braver

I'm getting braver.

Maybe stupider as well.

The cuts are more numerous now.

Deeper even.

The blood seeps out in small trickles.

You are making me braver,

But only in the worst of ways.

One day it won't just be my shoulder.

One day it will be in a worse place.

More severe.

One day it may kill me if I'm lucky.

I love you but you're gone.

You kept me strong so I didn't need to be afraid.

Now I am getting braver.

Is this what you wanted?

Maybe not.

But it is happening.

I'm getting braver.

Maybe stupider even.

 

Dark Thoughts

I barely think of life anymore

Almost always is death on my mind

I think of sharp blades I could use

I think of ways to harm myself

I have fallen into this deep abyss once more

I have become ill because of it

I want help

Though no one tries to help me

I grope about the darkness

Searching for a light

My heart has been constricted by darkness

I have been more distant and cold

I cannot get up anymore

I am still falling

My depression seems invisible to all

My teachers overlook my raised hand

My friends do not ask what is wrong

My family believes my lies about being okay

This does not help my dark thoughts

 

 

Death Wish

Death is my wish.

Will anyone grant it?

No.

They say they care too much.

They say they love me.

If that is so,

Why not let me go?

The pain is unbearable,

I grab my knife and hold it tight.

I start to slice it through my skin.

“Buzz, buzz”

My phone is vibrating.

I open it and read it.

“Don’t do anything stupid please, I love you.”

I still want to die,

But because of you I won’t.

 

 

Depression

As time goes on it gets worse.

I have less and less ups.

I rarely smile.

My laugh is hardly ever heard and sounds forced.

The emotional pain often causes physical pain.

I have started to feel sick more often.

Every day I wish for an escape.

Nothing ever changes.

 

Drowning

It feel like drowning.

Drowning in my sorrows.

The sorrow that brings forth tears.

The tears that are impossible to stop.

Stopping my thoughts is harder.

Harder than impossible.

Impossible it seems but true.

True as it seems I am drowning.

Drowning in my sorrows.

 

Endless Pain

It never goes away

It never stops

It keeps pushing me close to the edge

When will I be pushed over that edge?

How long until the ground disappears beneath me?

I wonder it all in my head

But I know I do not have much longer

Nothing is there to stop it

I am losing my grip

I no longer have solid ground

All that remains is this endless pain

 

Escape from Reality

Would it not be lovely?

To escape from reality?

Even if it were just for a little while?

I wish I could.

I can’t though.

Even dreams my dreams hold reality.

Nothing can help me escape it.

Not death nor pain.

Even that has reality to it.

Daydreams can’t even pull you away from it.

Daydreams are only fantasized realities.

So tell me is there really any way at all?

A way to escape reality?

 

Falling Tears

My tears are falling.

Falling harder, faster, longer.

Each and every day it gets worse.

My heart being broken more and more each day.

 

You no longer say you love me.

You said forever.

I ruined that.

I left you.

Now I pay for it.

 

Why was it I had to be so stupid?

Why did I have to go and destroy everything we had?

Why wasn't I stronger?

Why was it when I was finally changing for the better, it was already too late?

 

I was going to be better.

I promised myself.

I was going to stop being my old self.

I was going to build walls around my heart with a gate, you being the only key that could unlock it.

 

I need you, but that doesn't matter to you anymore.

You say you are there for me still, but yet it feels as if you are too far away.

I love you, but I can never tell you that again knowing you won't say it back.

 

I keep hoping this is a nightmare, and that I will wake up and that you will once again be telling me you love me.

I keep hoping that just maybe I didn't really do those things to hurt you.

 

My tears are falling.

Falling harder, faster, longer.

Each and every day it gets worse.

My heart being broken more and more each day.

 

Fantasy Blade

I want a sharp edge.

An edge that cuts effortlessly

One that can cause damage

Not to use on others

No, only for me

I want to feel it slice my skin

To bring the pain that makes me forget

Forget the emotional hurt

The hurt that haunts me so

This blade could help me escape

Just wish that it was not a fantasy blade

 

For A Moment

For a moment you acted like I mattered.

For a moment you held my face in your hands.

For a moment you stroked my hair.

For a moment you held your face to mine.

For a moment you held me.

For a moment you held my hand.

For a moment I was someone to you.

But only for a moment.

 

 

 

Her Silent Pain

See that girl over there?

The one with a blank expression?

Deep down she wants to cry

She hides the cuts with her shirt sleeves

She does not say a word

Yet, on the inside she cries out for help

No one hears her inner voice

She keeps on cutting

Waiting for the day she loses too much blood

Waiting for the day someone finally hears her inner voice

That day they will see the scars, blood, and cuts

Though by then It could be too late

Until then she lives in silent pain

Praying someone hears her inner voice

The voice silently pleading for help

 

I Can’t Tell You Why

I can’t tell you why I’m depressed.

I can only tell you I hate it.

I can’t tell you why I feel so down.

I can only tell you I hate it.

I can’t tell you why I’m feeling so much pain.

I can only tell you I hate it.

I can’t tell you why I feel the urge to cut.

I can only tell you I hate it.

I can’t tell you why my heart feels like lead.

I can only tell you hate it.

I can’t tell you why,

Because I honestly don’t know.

 

I Know

My tears flow endlessly for I know...

I know that I have destroyed everything we had together...

I know that I have lost your trust completely...

I know that I can never take back what I did to you...

I know that I may never have you again...

I know that I will probably never be able to call you mine again...

I know that I may never be held in your arms one day...

I know that I may never kiss your sweet lips...

I know that I may never know how it feels to be embraced by someone so special....

I know that I ruined my chances of being with you ever again...

I know that I tainted the most wonderful memories we shared...

I know that I ruined the chance for many more wonderful memories...

I know that I cannot take back the wrongs that I have done....

I know that I just lost the one that was my world...

I know that I can never take back the pain I caused you...

I know that I can never take back the words or things I did...

I know that I have lost you....

My tears flow endlessly for I know...

 

I Need You

I want to be strong but I can't.

I don't want anyone but you.

I need you.

My life is an empty shell.

I'm spiraling downwards into a fiery pit.

I think the place is called hell.

You are my life.

I need you.

 

I will pretend to be okay when I'm not.

I won't let you see exactly how much it hurts.

I will make you believe I'm okay.

When inside I'm dying without you.

I need you.

 

You believe I can find someone else.

I do and don't believe this.

I just don't want anyone else.

I'd rather die than try to get broken again.

I need you.

 

I can't tell you how much it took me not to cry.

That night when you said the words I feared most.

History has repeated itself like you said it wouldn't

My heart lies in shattered ruins with missing pieces.

I need you.

 

It physically hurts that I lost you.

Fresh cuts mark my thighs and shoulders.

I tried not to but I broke.

I hate myself for hurting you.

I need you.

 

You said you'd be there and now you're gone.

I knew you would be.

I feel so empty now that you're gone.

Nothing really has a meaning to it now.

I need you.

 

I miss when you said you loved me.

I miss how you and I made heart signs on camera.

I miss your smile that was so precious to me.

I miss your sweet voice and how it caressed my ears like a gentle breeze.

I need you.

 

My tears are finally falling.

I refuse to cry in front of you.

I don't want you to watch me break into pieces.

I don't know what else I can do.

I need you.

 

I'm Sorry

How could I be so stupid?

How could I not see this?

I truly am blind.

I'm sorry.

You are in pain just as much as me.

I let my own hurt blind me.

I'm sorry.

Your pain hurts me as well.

I wish I could make it go away.

I feel so useless.

All I want to do is to make you better.

Yet I only seem to make it worse.

I'm sorry.

 

 

 

It All Ends in Tears

Tears fall,

And I barely want to crawl

Every time I fall

It’s hard not to bawl

It’s been awhile

That I’ve had a smile

The time was worth while

That moment of life was a good mile

Though now it all ends in tears

As the pain sears

No more cheers

 

 

It Feels Like Dying.

It feels like...

 

There are thousand pound weights on my chest.

Someone stabbed a knife into my heart and is twisting it to make the pain worse.

Someone threw me from a 500 story building.

Someone is hanging me over a bonfire.

Someone shot a bullet into my heart.

Someone left me to die with all my wounds.

Someone brutally beat me to near death.

My heart is hanging by a thin, torn, thread.

I'm starving without his love.

It's killing me.

Dying.

 

 

Killer of Love

He watched her drown.

In her own tears she drowns.

He had ripped her heart out and tossed it away.

Now she lay drowning in her tears.

Dying from the pain.

No one could save her now.

No one else had gotten a chance to save her.

She didn’t let anyone else near.

They tried to save her but she said no.

She waited around with him too long.

Now she is drowning in her tears.

He watches her with a cold blooded stare as she drowns.

He smirks at her cries for help.

 

Until finally she is dead.

When she is dead he lays her heart next to her.

Whispering softly, “you don’t need it now.”

He gives her heart one final stab with the dagger.

He can’t hurt her anymore.

She is finally dead.

Just what he wanted all along.

Now that she is dead he walks away.

Leaving the bleeding heart next to her cold lifeless body.

 

 

 

Lovely Lies vs. Treacherous Truth

The lies are lovely.

The lies I tell are to keep them from worrying.

I say nothing is wrong.

I act like I’m okay.

I have to keep them from being concerned.

It is unnecessary for them to be concerned and worried for me.

Though I know as time goes on it will only get worse.

The truth is treacherous.

I hide it out of fear.

I want to die.

The cuts relieve the stress.

Though only until the pain disappears.

The pain makes me remember I’m alive.

It makes me feel something other than numbness.

 

Masked Emotions

They see what I show them.

They look no further.

They do not see the unexplained pain.

They do not see how I wrestle with depression.

If they would just look harder,

They would see everything.

The mood swings,

The agony,

Even the frustrations

If they would just look,

They could find what I hide.

Instead they believe my lies.

So for now I still hide behind my mask.

 

Meaningless Girl

A girl

Blamed for everything

Constantly struggles

Dying on the inside

Eventually

Falling to the

Ground hitting her

Hard trying to keep her there.

I am innocent! she cries.

Just trying to break free.

Killing with

Looks she would if she could

Maimed by the constant and

Numerous insults and complaints made at her.

Outwardly it seems she does not care,

People believe the lie.

Quailing on the inside

Reaching for

Something

That seems nonexistent to stop the

Unbearable

Vicious

Ways of the world.

eXisiting no more is her wish. Will

You grant it? A

Zilch you consider her after all.

 

Missing You

Every song I hear

Every conversation I have

Everywhere I go

Something makes me think of you

It is then I fall apart

I am broken into pieces

I don’t know how to make you see

Because without you I’m just not me

Those lights in my eyes have gone

In its place is empty darkness

You my Angel had saved my life

Now that you are gone

I am dying

Because I need you

  I want you

  I miss you

            So here I am

                        Missing you

 

 

My Burning Memories

The darkness seems to be pulling,

As I try to keep to drowning,

My heart aches,

As I feel the breaks.

I knew this day was coming.

The day I would be spiraling.

I know I’ve listened to my mind’s trick,

As I listen to the music.

It is as it always will be.

No one truly wants me.

I struggle for breath,

As my thoughts reach for death.

No tears fall,

As I hear life’s past voices call.

My memory shows them burning,

Yet I know they are living.

I am the fire.

The reason they tire.

 

Never Again Will You See...

You will never again see...

 

The pain I'm in...

The tears I will cry over you...

The heartache I feel...

The bullet you shot into my chest...

The betrayal you made me feel...

The loss...

The scars in my soul...

The hurt that I can't push back like you could...

 

New Scars

New scars on my skin have been started with fresh cuts.

I tried not to.

I know you tried to stop me.

I know it will only worsen your pain.

I just can't take it anymore.

I have to do this.

You don't understand it.

I just want to die.

But I'm afraid of death.

So instead I do this.

Please do not hate me.

I need you.

You don't want me.

I can't live like this.

I'm mentally dying without you.

Internally I am dying.

There is no one left to save me.

You were the last one.

My last hope and my last love.

Goodbye my Angel.

 

Nightmares Kill

Nightmares.

They take your worst fears.

They make you see the things that hurt the most.

 

The things you don't want to think about.

They take your reality and twist it around.

Nightmares make you wish you could die instead of just waking up.

At least mine do.

I can't take seeing him kissing others in my dreams.

It's killing me.

Stabbing a dagger straight through my heart.

When will this pain go away?

When will I get better?

 

Nightmares.

They take your worst fears.

They make you see the things that hurt the most.

 

Only Human

I made a mistake.

Now you won’t let me make up for it.

It kills me what I did to you.

I hate myself for all of it.

I wish I could take it back.

I wish I could change it.

I wish I never did those things to you.

But baby I can’t.

I am only human.

 

Pain is Building

The weight on my chest grows heavier.

The emotions keep getting stronger.

The urge to cut is more than it used to be.

The physical illness from it all has worsened.

My mentality is questionable.

The pain is building.

 

 

Repeating History

I didn't want to go.

I knew I would only end up with my history repeating itself.

You said it wouldn't.

Yet here I am with history repeating itself.

 

I left a guy for another.

When I went back he said he couldn't be with me anymore...

I left you for the same guy...

Now here I am..

with history repeating itself,

As I knew it would.

You say you can't do it anymore either.

You said you'd be there for me...

Now it seems like it has all been taken back.

 

I didn't want to go.

I knew I would only end up with my history repeating itself.

You said it wouldn't.

Yet here I am with history repeating itself.

 

She Sits Alone

That girl over there

She sits alone

She does not want to

She has to

You may wonder why she has to sit alone

Perhaps you assume she is a snob

Perhaps you assume she is a loner

Perhaps you assume too much

Go ask her

Ask why she sits alone

She will tell you

She does not want anyone to see who she really is

She does not want to be hurt anymore

She has forgotten how to smile

No one thinks to remind her

You could remind her

All you have to do is ask her why she sits alone

Show her you will listen

Show her you will not judge

Then she will begin to open up

If you want her to open up completely

You yourself must open up as well

Do not expect her to do something you will not

It is not fair to her

To help her trust her, be honest, and listen to her

 

Silent Girl

 

When a girl is happy everybody sees.

 

She gets all the attention.

 

If she is SILENT then INVISIBLE she becomes.

 

She is UNNOTICED by everyone.

 

It doesn't make sense to me.

 

Wouldn't the silent girl need more ATTENTION?

 

Wouldn't her silence be a CRY for help?

 

LOUDER than any words?

 

Guess not, because I'M the silent girl.

 

An UNHEARD soul in the world.

 

If SOMEONE would just step up and ASK me  if I was OK...

 

I may not tell about it.

 

But it would BREAK my SILENCE if just for...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A SECOND

 

Struggling

Every day I am struggling.

I am struggling not to feel pain.

I am struggling not to cry.

I am struggling not to be depressed.

I am struggling not to show how hurt I am.

I am struggling not to cut.

I am struggling not to die.

I struggle to smile.

I struggle to laugh.

I struggle to be happy.

I struggle to feel something.

I am struggling.

 

Suicidal Heart

 

My mind refuses to see logic anymore.

My legs refuse to hold me up any longer.

My heart is giving in.

It’s telling me to quit.

It’s saying I’m worthless.

It tells me I have no one anymore.

It says that I can only trust myself.

My heart is suicidal.

 

Too Late to See

The darkness bubbles up within me

Like water boiling in a pot

I think of all the wrong I’ve done

As my world comes crashing down around me

I never knew what I got

Until I caused it to come undone

I just couldn’t see

Like my eyes were covered by an ink blot

Because of it the evil always won

But now that I see

All that I got

It is all done

 

 

 

 

Trust

Trust

What does it mean to you?

Does it mean anything?

This word is so easily tainted and destroyed

Cheating, lying, and broken promises

These very words tainted and broke your trust

It is hard to decide who to trust anymore

It is even harder to have it broken

That is why I only trust myself

If I let myself down it is on me

Trust

What does it mean to you?

 

Unwanted Memories

I cannot stop remembering

It is always the things that hurt me

These unwanted memories haunt me so

They remind me of each person I hurt

They remind of the people I have lost

These memories

They are killing me

They are hurting me all over again

They make me relive each bit of pain

All of it is painful

These unwanted memories are what kill me

 

When Will All of It End?

When will the pain go away?

When will the hurt stop hurting?

When will the sadness not be sad?

When will the tears stop falling?

When will life feel like living again?

When will the numbness feel like something?

When will the hopelessness be full of hope?

When will the scars stop appearing on my skin?

When will darkness be light?

When will all of this depression disappear?

When will all of it end?

 

When Will You See?

 

When will you see my poems are more than just poems?

When will you realize they are filled with pain?

When will you see the physical evidence of my pain?

When will you seek help for me?

When will you understand that I am not okay?

 

I don’t talk about things because I can’t.

It terrifies me to try.

I want to tell you, I do.

I want to say what is on my mind.

I just can’t.

 

I don’t want you to be mad at me.

I don’t want to be yelled at.

Yelling only makes it worse.

I don’t want to feel bad about it.

You always make me feel guilty about my problems.

I don’t want to be ridiculed by you for feeling like this.

 

At times I feel like dying.

Other times I am hyper.

There really is no in between for me.

I need help.

The scars you pay no mind to are evidence of that.

 

When will you see how much I cry each and every night?

When will you see the scars?

When will you see the pain?

When will you see the darkness inside of me?

When will you see?

 

Who Actually Sees?

To be honest,

I would really love to see who truly cares.

To see who would notice how often I cry.

To see who actually sees behind my mask of happiness.

To see who notices how much I really need someone to hold me.

To see who won't try to talk but just listen.

 

Who Will Realize?

Who will realize the truth behind my lies?

Who will realize the pain I hide?

Who will realize how detached I am?

Who will realize how much I pretend to be happy?

Who will realize that I am not myself anymore?

Who will realize the scars on my shoulder are not accidental?

Who will realize my mentality is unstable?

Who will realize that I am not okay?

Who will realize that I need help?

 

Will Anyone Show Me?

Will anyone show me how to smile again?

Will anyone show me how to laugh effortlessly again?

Will anyone show me how it feels not to feel pain all the time?

Will anyone show me how to have fun once more?

Will anyone show me how to enjoy things again?

Will anyone show me how not to be depressed?

Will anyone show me how not to cry all the time?

Will anyone show me how to feel something again?

Will anyone show me how to love again?

Will anyone show me how to care about something again?

Will anyone show me how to be happy again?

 

 

 

Why can't he see?

Why can't he see...

 

That I am dying without him.

That I can barely breathe.

That my emotional pain has turned into physical pain.

That without him I am nothing.

That slowly the pain in itself will mentally kill me.

That eventually all of it will physically kill me.

That I need him to catch me.

That I have completely broken.

That nothing matters to me without him.

That life has lost it's meaning since he left.

That my heart is aching over him.

That the pain is beyond my limits.

That I'd rather die than be without him.

That I am not strong enough on my own.

That I need him to help me.

That I need him to love me.

That I need him and nothing more to be happy.

 

Why can't he see...

 

Words Overflowing

My mind is filled with words.

These words are overflowing.

They come out in poems.

These poems are filled with emotions.

These emotions are overflowing.

These emotions come out into my heart.

My heart is over flowing.

My heart comes out in pain.

The pain is overflowing.

The pain comes into my mind.

My mind is filled with words.

These words are overflowing.

 

Yuro

Yuro

Kind, loving

Softly smiling

Like an angel from heaven

If only I had stayed with him

Author's Note

See book notes