Dear God

Dear God or whoever it is up in the sky,

They tell me taking my life is weak.  According to them, it's also technically murder.  I mean, it is killing yourself.  And, as we all know, God doesn't accept murderers.  I mean, even the most non-religious churchgoer knows that God doesn't like murderers.  Isn't it one of the worst sins out there?

But, I wonder, God, how is it weak?  I mean, down here, it's so bad.  I mean, I guess I can see it.  I can't take the trials of earth; that's basically what I'm saying when I take it away from me.  I can't do what you want me to do, so I guess you're just another person to add to the list of people I've disappointed.  Life is something else to add to my admittedly long list of failures.  It's the biggest one, really, huh?  I mean, there is no redemption or second chance at life, is there?  At least, no second chance at this life.  Life isn't like a video game, where I earn my hearts and then use them all.  Once I use all my hearts, I don't get a do-over like the idiot characters in the games.  

I'm just one big failure, aren't I, God?  I can't even do what you want me to do, and you're God.  I mean, come on, I should at least be able to try to do what you ask of me.  You created me, for f**k's sake.  (And swearing to you just makes me more of a failure, doesn't it.  I can't even keep it clean for God, the leader of the world, the reason we're all here.)  But, I'm sorry, God, I can't do it anymore.

I just really want to be back with you in heaven.  I don't care how many versions of heaven there are in the world, any of them is better than having to keep going down here.  Heaven could be just like here and I would like it better because the living are here and not there and they're part of what I want to get away from.

Myself, too, but I can't get away from myself.

I want to come home, God.  Won't you let me come home?  I'm sorry I was a weak daughter to you and I'm sorry for all the times I failed you.  But that shouldn't keep me from coming home, should it?

Please, God, please, I'm begging you.  I want to go home.

Please.