You were never there

I remember glimpses of you growing up, but not glimpses of you at my softballs games or my volleyball games or any of my track meets.

Not glimpses of you from my sixth-grade graduation or any of my Honor Roll hand outs, not from my talent shows or even birthday parties.

I remember glimpses of you from when mom would pick you up from that trashy bar in the worst part of town just because you haven't called in months and i wanted to see you more than anything even for just the ten minutes you spent with me before you needed another drink.

I remember glimpses of the phone call i got when i was 13 and you told me i have a 10 year old brother whom doesn't know i exist, but his other half sister is my friend...

I remember turning 15 and finally deciding that i wanted to actually meet you, well meet the other half of myself...

I remember the few months i got to know you all to well and finally understood why mom kept us away, the few months in many years i waited just to see what i refused to believe.

It has taken me 17 years to accept that the love i wanted from you all my life i would never receive, i gave you 17 years to open your eyes and realize i am here. I deserve the love i seek, that i never deserved to be abandoned by the other half of me.

I gave you chance after chance to be in my life, to see your little girl grow into a queen.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you still somehow made it worse for yourself.

You missed out on so many birthdays, so many milestones, so many life experiences you were supposed to protect me from and though i understand you couldn't have protected me from everything, you could've taught me different. 

You were supposed to show me how to be loved, how to stand tall, not be so soft, how to give respect the same way given and to never lose myself in the quest to find another...But you didn't.

You were supposed to teach me how to ride a bike, how to multiple two by three and how to tie my shoelaces...But you didn't.

You were never there to see me in my prom dress, or to meet the first guy i fell in love with...You were never there embarrass me in public like i saw other dads do...

You were never there to care if i got a C- in class or an A+, you were never there to give me lectures on boys or to teach me how to drive...

Because of you i grew up questioning why i wasn't good enough, why you couldn't love me, why was it so easy for you to walk out on me? Why couldn't i get you to come back? I grew up hating myself and looking in all the wrong places for love because i was never taught the right way to find it...

I taught myself what was best, showed myself the right and wrong way, i taught myself that i was beautiful in each and every way. 

I taught myself which men deserve me and which men cant even compare, i had to teach myself to be strong because nobody else was around to show me.

I taught myself that not everyday is gonna be okay and that it is okay to not be okay, to keep pushing and keep going because even if a selfish person like yourself cant love me i will always have enough love for my own. 

I don't expect you to even remotely feel the pain you have caused me, how could you possibly feel something you have no care about? It just feels great to know i did this on my own and that i didn't need your guidance to be the women i am today.

Genetically you are a part of me, but emotionally i will not allow you to be. 

Reviews

[Lyrically Inclined]

I love strong women who arrive at that place regardless of the circumstances they began with! And I love that you were able to share your frustration with your father with the world. Nice write and thank for being a strong example to all of us!