34: The End

“Austin! Austin, open the door! Now!”

I screamed, but it seemed useless. Austin wouldn’t open the door for me. No, he probably hated me.

I pushed my body into it, and it surprisingly swung open. Unlocked. Austin’s car wasn’t here, but where else could he be?

“Austin! Austin, come on, where are you?”

I realized I could just be calling out to the house. I saw a large group of people digging a car out of the water on the way here. Just on the edge of Shoreville. What if that was Austin? What if he was dead? What if he had driven his car over the edge to kill himself? What if I made him kill himself? What if it was all my fault?

“Austin! If you’re not in here... I’m leaving! I’m leaving to go!” I stopped and thought for a second. “I’m going to go kill myself. I just wanted to tell you that...! Austin...? Austin...?”

I was sure he wasn’t here. 

But then where was he?

I stepped closer into the house. Closer. Maybe there would be a flashlight somewhere. I dug around in a drawer until I was satisfied that it was empty. Then another. Another. Another.

Suddenly, I was frantically searching around for one because I didn’t have time. I had just killed a man, and Austin was somewhere else, and I had to find him. 

The kitchen was empty of lights except for a few birthday candles and matches found in the cabinet under the microwave, and now scattered across the floor. 

Austin. I had to find Austin. Before he did something stupid. Before it was too late to tell him I wasn’t angry at him. Before it was too late to tell him he cared to me. I cared for him. I loved him.

But no, I couldn’t find a light, and everything was pitch black, even while I was looking. Every time the lightening flashed, I’d search around frantically for a light, but I couldn’t find a single thing.

“Austin! AUSTIN!”

I gave one last call before I left the house. Once outside, the dull rain patting on the roof turned to a fierce slamming into the ground. Once the lightening flashed, I could see the streets were getting quite full of water. So full that a garbage can floated gracefully along in the current. 

I hopped into my aunt’s car, and began blindly searching for the keys in my pockets. First my shirt pockets, then in my purse, and then around in the car. They weren’t there. 

I jumped back out of the car, and began searching every time the lightening struck. I could go back in the house. I could go back, find a match, and look by candle light. 

Precious time. I was wasting precious time to find Austin, and I was beginning to grow worried with the severity of the storm. Every second I was looking for my keys, I wasn’t looking for Austin. I wasn’t running through the streets, making sure he wasn’t on them. Making sure he wasn’t out at the cliff. Or down in the cave.

What if he decided to go to the cave? I knew it was bad out there, he said so, but I didn’t know how bad. If he almost died then, I wonder what would happen if he was out there now. Maybe that was his whole plan. Downing himself. Maybe he was going to kill himself. Maybe I had caused something like that.

No. I couldn’t have. No! No! No! That wouldn’t make sense. He wouldn’t just kill himself over me, would he? Or over Cliff? No. 

But the way he left my house so fast...

Maybe he was just getting drunk. Maybe he was out at a bar. Maybe in Silver. Maybe he was laying in a puddle of piss and vomited alcohol, and not laying face down in an ocean. 

Or maybe he was alerting the police. Maybe he was going to send them to my house. They’d see the body. Perhaps Aunt Tracy already did. Perhaps the cops were after me right now. Maybe I’d go to jail. Then I’d never get to tell Austin the truth, because he would have to go back with his parents. 

Then again, maybe he was in the car at the ocean. Maybe he was the one who had driven over the side. Maybe he was laying dead inside, with his head smashed against the windshield. Or maybe he was ejected, and the ocean had eaten up his body like a ravenous beast. Maybe I’d never see him again.

Or maybe he was alive in the car. 

Or maybe, just maybe, he was in the cave.

There were so many places he could be, but where to look? If he was at a bar, especially out of town, I’d never be able to find him. Who would even be open right now? 

No, bars were ruled out.

How about the police? If he was with the police, then I would be jailed, and I wasn’t going to jail. Not now anyway. Not like my dad. 

Then something struck me. I drank. Yeah, I drank a lot. Especially for my age. Then, I had killed another human being. I had literally taken a life.

Was I like my dad? Was I becoming him? Or was I already him? Would I be going to jail, just like he was in jail, hopefully for the rest of his life? 

No. I couldn’t go to jail! I wasn’t going to be like my father. I hated him! I wasn’t going to be like that drunk f*****g a*****e!

But, then again, I was pretty wrong about him at first. And it was self defense in what I did. Maybe we weren’t so alike. Or maybe he was better than I thought.

But I couldn’t forgive him. Not even if mom loved him. He still got her pregnant with me. I’ll never forgive him for handing me the live he did. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s given me. 

Most importantly, I wasn’t going to jail like he was. Not if I was thinking clearly. If I executed the next little while right, I could at least get away long enough to tell Austin everything. Then, if I did go to jail, at least Austin would know the truth. 

Yes. So now where was left? 

The woods and the car. The car. How would I get there? If Austin was at the car, police would already be there, and he might be dead anyway. 

And the fact that there was a high probability that it was him made me want to run as fast as I could over there. Yet police.

And what if it wasn’t him? What if the police were notified of me, and they took me in? What if Austin was dead? That would be basically turning myself in. 

No, the cliff and woods first. If he wasn’t there, then the car. Because if he wasn’t at the cliff or the cave, then he was either at the car or somewhere else. If he was somewhere else, there would be almost no way of finding him. So, there would be nothing to do but turn myself in, anyway. And that’s what I planned to do if he wasn’t there.

I dashed off down the side of the road as fast as I could. The water splashed up my thighs, but I was already soaked. I felt like I was impaired by it, because it slowed me down. I tore off my shoes, and sped faster down the road. 

Where was the beach? It was in the direction I was moving, right? Yes. It had to be, because Cliff and Austin’s house was on the right, so I had to be moving east. Though I could hardly see anything, and only when the lightening struck. 

Still, the thick rain clouded my vision, and made it hard to see anywhere. My chest pounded up and down, not really from running, but from the excitement of everything. It was sinking in now. I had killed Cliff. 

I had bashed his brains in with a pipe. Aunt Tracy was left in the house with a dead body. Hopefully the power wouldn’t return any time soon, because she’d freak if she saw him there. 

And there was Austin. All this time, there had been something about him. From the first moment I met him, he was the only one I decided to possibly call again. 

Austin was the one I was thinking of when I found out about my parents. He was the one I met up with. The one I almost had sex with, despite what had happened to me in the past. He was the one that was different. He was always different, and in a good way. No matter how much I may have hated him at one point, Austin was there for me. I wasn’t there for him when he needed it.

Now was my chance to be there. Wasn’t that the real reason we had met in the first place, for a friend to be there for us? Even if it was just a stranger. I was probably nothing more than a stranger to him now. Just someone he used to know. He could probably care less about me now. 

Or would he still like me? I told him I hated him so many times. 

Yet he loved me, and you don’t just get over someone. No matter how hard you try, you do not, DO NOT, just get over someone. 

I was so confused with emotions, that I barely noticed- or rather didn’t notice- the grass go down a hill, and change into sand. I face-planted into the cold, soaked ground. I spit out a mouthful of mud, sand and rainwater and crawled back up to my feet. 

The trees were across the beach up north from here. All I had to do was keep going. Just keep going and going, and maybe Austin would be there, somewhere.

But what if he wasn’t? What if I was just running out into the rain for nothing? Why was I doing this when there was a good chance that he wasn’t here? That he was gone? Even dead maybe? 

It was too late now, so I kept moving. One foot in front of the other. Until I reached the trees. The path was barely visible in the dim light, but it seemed to have lightened up a bit since before. Now not everything was pitch black. Perhaps the sun was starting to rise. 

No. Impossible. It was the middle of the night. It was just a little lighter now. Things had transformed from endless abyssal black to a cool blue color. Still, it was nearly impossible to see. 

I just kept running and running through the path, and lightening flashed every couple seconds. I ran as fast as I could, and slipped and slid on the mud with every step.

“S**t!” I screamed as I slipped down onto my face. My cut on my tongue reopened, and blood spurted out. My face and body slid forward, across the hillside. 

For a minute, I almost decided to keep down and just die there, if the lightening had not flashed.

The bright light illuminated an eighteen-year-old boy, with a shaved head. One arm hung limply at the side, and the rest of his body was torn apart from a seriously long day. A long day probably even more horrific than the encounter at the cave. 

His head hung down limply and his shoulders curled inward, all from despair. From sadness. From total loss. Depression. 

His hands clenched into fists, and raised up at his sides, spread out like a bird. The lightening struck again, and illuminated him, in a powerful image of what life had done to him. 

For a minute, it looked like he would just lift off and fly away. Fly away into the sky like a bird. Fly higher and higher, until the grasps of earth were behind. Until he was free. And he would be. Soon.

“Austin!”

He didn’t hear me, and just looked on into the vast blackness of ocean. The endless waters where his body would wash away. Be eaten. A vast grave. A peaceful grave. 

“Austin!”

I pulled myself up, but fell back down onto my face. I crawled forward. 

“Austin!”

But my voice was diminishing, and I had to spit out a mouthful of blood. 

“Austin...”

His arms went back down, and his head turned slowly. For a minute, he looked at me, right in the eye, but then looked back onto the ocean. 

I pulled myself up next to him, and he put his arm around me. We stood looking out to the waters that spread on for miles and miles. 

“Cliff’s dead.” I said softly, but just enough to be heard over the rain.

He squeezed my shoulder, and I looked down curiously at his arm. When the lightening flashed, he caught my eye’s direction.

“Car wreck. Hydroplaning. It’s fine, though.”

“That was you?”

“Yeah.”

“And you just walked away?”

“Ran, actually. To a shack a little ways back that way.”

He motioned his head backwards, then continued on.

“Bryan was there. I left when I saw him.”

For a minute, he just seemed like regular depressed Austin, but there was more. I waited in silence for him to go on.

“He had a gun there. I was going to...”

“NO!”

“Why not? It’s all over. You hate me. Cliff hates me. I can’t go back home.”

“What?! Austin, I don’t hate you!”

“Where were you then? When I needed you, I mean. Where were you? Definitely not there. Not for me. I’m not going back to my parents, either. Too many bad memories. Cliff kicked me out.”

“Cliff’s dead.”

His eyes widened, and he looked over at me in wonder.

“What?!”

“He attacked me. I... sort-of killed him, I think.”

He was speechless. I rested my head on his shoulder, suddenly, the rain seemed to disappear from around us, and it was just the two of us, alone. In the woods, standing at the highest point of the cliff. I remembered the clearing well. This was where we sat with Cliff and Juliet.

“I’m just like my father.”

He stayed silent. I did too, and wrapped my arm around him, being careful of the lifeless arm.

“I don’t want to be, though.”

Then I realized why we were at the cliff. Austin was going to jump. My heart nearly skipped a beat, and I grabbed his good arm from my shoulder, and took it in mine. 

“Come on, let’s go.”

I started walking in the opposite direction, but he was a statue.

“Austin, come on.”

He even pulled me back toward the cliff.

“Austin! AUSTIN! NO! COME ON! LET’S GO...! Let’s just... just go! Come on, we can go back-”

“NO!”

His outburst scared me so much that I let go of him, and stepped back.

“Austin...”

“I hurt you.”

He turned around to face me, and also took a step backwards toward the cliff.

“I hurt you!” I said.

“No. I actually touched you. I actually physically touched you. I don’t deserve this. I can’t take it! I’ve seen your shadows, I’ve seen Cliff’s, I’ve seen mine! I hate it! I’ve seen the world, and it’s hell! I’ve seen it all! I’ve seen the earth! I don’t deserve it’s good, so I’m stuck with it’s bad, and it’s bad is hell! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! Do you think I’m happy?! Do you think I like this?! No...”

He took a step forward, but stopped, and rethought his decision. Then, he stepped back toward the cliff, with his front still toward me.

“I hate it.”

The lightening flashed, and suddenly his body seemed shorter than usual. Shorter and shorter. Then, he was out of sight.

The lightening flashed, and Austin was gone. I stood there, speechless, with my mouth open, and blood gushing out. My heart had stopped. It had stopped. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything.

I was numb. I was nothing. More than that, I was invincible to pain. The cut no longer hurt, and all that mattered was that Austin was no longer with me. I prayed that he would rise back up. 

Rise up and laugh. Tell me it was a joke. Tell me Cliff wasn’t dead. Tell me it was all a sick prank pulled on me. I would tell him how horrible he was. I wouldn’t ever talk to him again, but he would be alive.

But that wasn’t the way that life worked. It didn’t work in your favor, barely ever. Secrets were revealed. Lives were ended. Friendships were broken. Everywhere. Everyone had to deal with this. Trusts were nothing. Love was s**t. Promises were broken. Always.

But then I thought again. I was in control of my life. Maybe all I needed was the strength to change one thing. One little thing. Life was so unintentional, but if you were at the end, what would one little decision matter to the future that wasn’t coming?

I was talking, of course, of the pact.

Without thinking, I sprinted at the cliff edge, and dove off. It was a sailor’s dive, with my arms pinned down to my sides. I made no sound as I hurtled toward the earth. Toward the flat rocks. Toward nothingness. Toward oblivion. Toward Austin.

The wind rushed in my ears, and suddenly, everything was black. Pitch black. Almost too black. Almost blacker than the sky had been. Blacker than my future looked. Blacker than natural. Black as death. And as silence. Eternal silence. 

An eternal silence I got to share with Austin. With Austin and Cliff. The three of us. Too bad that we had left Juliet behind. Even after I ditched her for Cliff, she was still one of my first friends. I still loved her. 

Eternal silence. Nothingness. That was death. That was the end of a nightmare. But then again, it was also the start of peacefulness. A peacefulness that I had been searching for since I had moved to Saco. 

It was long overdue, and I had finally done it. Austin and I had both done it. All we needed was a little push.

Eternal was forever, but a forever away from Maine, away from reality, was the dream vacation for me. It was everything I had wanted. 

Goodbye world.

Goodbye Aunt Tracy.

Goodbye dad, back in jail.

Goodbye to everyone, including Cliff.

And Austin.

Goodbye Austin.

Goodbye mom.

Goodbye cruel, cruel life.

Hello eternal blackness.

If only I could have just held Austin in my arms one last time, and told him how much I loved him. If I had another chance, I'd never let him go, and I'd never ever leave him. Not ever. If only...