31: Austin

I left as soon as I could. For some reason, after seeing what was really going on shocked me away from my original purpose. Then, I attacked Cliff. Then Ida told me to leave. I was right, she still did hate me. Even after I saved her. I didn’t blame her. I hated myself for what I did to her. But Cliff was doing something much worse. It made me so sick that I ran straight to my car. Straight toward Shoreville. Toward the shack. Toward the gun. Oblivion.

Now, I was driving back. The clock in my car said it was 1:30. I was only about thirty minutes away from Shoreville now. That meant that I had barged in on them at about 12:50, and left at about 1:00. 

Lightening struck dangerously close to my car. I drove as fast as I could. This time, I didn’t care if I hydroplaned. Then maybe I’d just die faster. Death was just so close. This time, however, I wasn’t backing out like I was at the ocean. 

I raised my hand up to my eyebrow, and blood immediately started to drip down it. My knuckles felt like I had sprained every one of them. On my head, there was my eyebrow, and also my ear felt like it had been taken off. Cliff was one vicious fighter. 

I was sure I left my mark on him, too. Actually, I was pretty proud of myself. I tackled him into a table, for one. That had to hurt him. I actually managed to mount him, and get four or five good punches, mostly aimed at his face. But my whole body ached, and I knew he had done more damage to me than I did to him. Though, I kept going, mainly because I had something worth fighting for. 

But then a thought occurred to me: What if she wasn’t being raped? What if they were into that kind of stuff? The way she told me to leave told me she wasn’t grateful that I had come. What if I had just beaten Cliff for nothing? So I left. Because Cliff may have beaten me, but I was sure he would never rape someone. I just got carried away when I heard Ida’s voice. And I realized that I could leave right then, because, even if it wasn’t rape, I still thought it was, and Ida would know that. She would know I tried to save her, and that was enough.

But what if it was all real? I had just left Ida with a rapist. She would be all alone. And defenseless. And against Cliff. What if I had really came in on a rape? What did I just do?

The thought of rape sickened me so much that I stepped harder on the gas pedal. Why would Cliff ever rape someone? He could get anyone he wanted. He didn’t need to attack someone. Not like I did.

It still disgusted me. Myself. The fact that I hurt Ida. It made me want to kill myself over and over again. Not just for Ida’s protection, but for the end of a monster who deserved to die. 

The question remained: Cliff. Was he a monster, too? Was he just as sick, if not sicker, than I was? In killing myself, was I leaving Ida alone with a rapist? 

No, I couldn’t be. Cliff would never rape someone. I knew him for too long. He would never do such a thing.

But what if I didn’t know him? What if he really did rape her? He could be capable of anything. Maybe she was raped.

Then, it hit me. She was. Cliff raped her, and I knew he did. Though I didn’t want to believe it, he raped her. I was soaring so high on determination, that this blow only knocked me higher. My determination grew more. So much more that I wanted nothing more than death. And I fell. I fell into the sky.

 As I fell into the sky, I could see everything on earth. I understood. I understood the cruelty that Cliff held. I understood what his fiance had done to him. I understood.

I remembered her face, streaked with tears. Yes. He had actually done something so horrible to her. To Ida. To the woman that I loved. 

I tried to make myself turn around. I couldn’t. My heart wanted to, but my body and everything else screamed out in protest. My eyes began to water because I was leaving her behind. 

I was again sickened by myself. I was letting a rapist on the loose, and I was fleeing from the scene. How much of a monster was I? Monsters deserved to die. 

I began to swerve between the lanes, to try and loose traction. To hydroplane. To die. I was nearing Shoreville, and was surrounded by trees on the right, and soon the left would be surrounded in trees. If I could only just run into one of them while out of control...

It would be so much easier to kill myself if I didn’t have control over it. Then there was no turning back. Then, there would be no escaping it. I could just sit back, try and brake, and turn as much as possible. 

Suddenly, my front tires began to swerve over to the right, and so I pointed them at the left, hoping that when they regained traction, I would be in the trees. 

I hoped that when I shot off to the ocean-side, then there would be trees over there to crash into. Right now, there was only a railing, a hill, and then water. 

Unfortunately, I regained traction quicker than I expected. Suddenly, I was being jolted toward the railing. I screamed a little, even though this was what I wanted. My car broke right through like it was nothing. 

I jolted forward all the same, and was saved from being ejected out the windshield from my seatbelt. I had half a mind to take it off, but things were happening so fast. Too fast to react properly. Or, at least the way I wanted to react. 

I found myself trying to brake, but to no avail. I flew to the ocean quickly, and suddenly, my car stopped. If I hadn’t been wearing my seatbelt, I probably would have been ejected back at the railing. I probably would have died when the car ran over me. 

Now, I was alive. Unfortunately. If I hadn’t been ejected back then, I surely would have when my car fell down the hill, and stopped at the shore. I surely would have been ejected into the ocean, and surely died, because it was surging back and forth viciously now. 

My face had smashed into the air-bag, and I was alive. Though, every part of my body was throbbing, and I couldn’t move my left arm. As much as I tried to lift it, it wouldn’t move. It throbbed in pain, and just hung limply at my side.

I leaned back, and water frothed up near mid-windshield. It was high up. Every time, my car gave a little jolt. I opened my door with my right hand, and it swung open forcefully as the wave caught it. Then, it slammed shut again. I’d have to time it if I wanted to escape before the police and fire department got here. I reached in the glove compartment. Not only had I had a flashlight in there, but there was a mini lantern that I had not taken out. I grabbed it, and switched it on to make sure it worked. 

Then, I waited until the waves were all the way up to open the door, as soon as they fell back to the ocean, my door was ripped open, and I was running out of it. I had to slow my pace as soon as I was out of distance, because the pain in my arm shot through my entire body. I felt like I was about to pass out. 

I made my way up the hill, and toward the trees. I had to keep the lantern on, because it was my only form of light. It was pitch black, so I couldn’t see anything. The only time I could see when the occasional lightening blindingly flashed through the sky, but that was hardly of any use. It was better to use the lantern, because then the lightening wasn’t so blinding when it came, and I had constant light.

I ventured out further and further, and I didn’t know the way, because this was not the trail that I should’ve been on. As reckless as I had been, this was a stupid idea. Now I was off in the woods where I didn’t know my way to the shack. Actually, I didn’t know my way anywhere, because my view was extremely limited in the thick rain, trees, and small lantern. I couldn’t see very far forward or very far back unless the lightening flashed. So, I was lost, and I seemed to be moving blindly nowhere. Just somewhere off in the trees. Lost. I was lost.

I felt horrible for not helping Ida more, and still for hurting her. Now, that didn’t matter, because even if I did turn back and make my way out of the woods, then I still didn’t have a car. Now, there was no chance of going back, and it sickened me, because I had caused it-or rather destroyed it. 

I still wondered what Cliff was. Who he was. What had become of him. Had Ida hurt him with the flashlight? Directly after the fight, I came to the conclusion that she threw it just because she didn’t want him to murder me. Now, I realized it was to actually harm him. Maybe he was knocked out. Maybe Ida was safe... for now. 

I wondered what had become of Cheyenne. The crying. The lady who jumped. The silence. Surly it was her. There were thousands of people in Saco, but I was sure it was her. It had to be. Cheyenne had killed herself. Or attempted to. Maybe she was victim to what I was so afraid of: surviving. Then she’d have to go get “help.” She’d have to deal with the fact that she had tried to kill herself. I doubted anyone wanted to deal with that. 

Still, I was in a mess myself. I looked around, and realized I didn’t even know which way led to the ocean. I didn’t know which way led anywhere. I was completely lost now. Now, there were a couple of trees in my view, and beyond that was black nothingness. 

Anything could be beyond my limited light, and they would see me before I saw them. What if I met up with Bryan? What would he say when he saw me, all cut up and limping, and without use of my arm? What if he was still at the shack? He’d never let me leave with his gun. What then? What would be the next step if he was there? 

I shivered in the freezing rain, and pressed on in a general direction that seemed forward. But I didn’t even know if the shack was forward from where I entered. It could be off to the left or right any distance. If the woods grew thicker on one side, or thinner on one, in any spot, then I would be lost, because it could be anywhere. 

I took a diagonal turn left toward the water. If that was left. I had no idea if I was moving south like I was supposed to be. I could be moving north and back toward my car for all I knew. Anywhere. I could be moving anywhere. 

The water soaked my bones, and nearly froze them to death. I found myself hugging myself with my right arm, and trying to bring back feeling. My skin was hard and bumpy, and slightly numb. 

Dying from cold wouldn’t be too bad, would it? You’d just fall asleep and then never wake up. It was sort of peaceful. Like the oblivion. Peaceful. Black nothingness. No more world around me. 

I wanted death to come more than ever, because I couldn’t bear with what I had done to Ida. I had left her. I nearly laid down in the woods and went to sleep. I was ready to. Sleeping would most likely mean not waking up, but there was still a chance of survival, which I was still terrified of. 

As long as I kept moving, I could find either an exit or the shack. I had to get out of the woods at some point. I just had to keep moving. If I came out on the cliff, I could make my way back in through the trail. If I came out on either side, the beach side or the car side, then I could just walk up until I found the park, or found the cliff, and follow the trail back to the shack. I just had to keep moving. 

Then, I realized I wasn’t walking in the direction I thought I was. I had moved. In some direction I was now pointing, and I didn’t know which it was. It didn’t matter. The woods ended at some point. I kept moving in that direction. 

What would happen if I kept accidently changing direction? Would I just end up going in a circle? Then I’d surely die. Or I hoped I would.  Which direction was which? 

Suddenly, my lantern dipped down to a low, orange light. I could barely see the tree that had recently been three feet away from me. The lantern dipped down even more, and went out like a candle flame. 

I was in utter darkness now, and I couldn’t see anything. Lightening flashed close by, and so I had a few seconds to decide which way to go. I went to the right. Now the right seemed like a good place to go. Though, it was impossible to tell.

I kept going, and had to stop and wait for the lightening to flash every couple seconds. When it did, I rushed to gain as much ground as possible before it died away. Sometimes, it would flash multiple times, times where I would actually get some distance done. I was sprinting, and every time it died away, I was left in the darkness with a pulsing and throbbing arm.

Flash.

I ran as far as I could, but then it quickly died away, and I was left in darkness again. I felt around for trees, and planned my direction.

Flash.

I slipped on the mud as I started, but knew where I was going. 

Flash.

A double flash. This would mean some actual ground would be covered, however slight it was in the whole of the woods. I slipped and slid on the mud some more. Then, it died away. I sat and waited, and every time I did, the pain returned, and so did the feeling of freezing. The numbing.

Flash.

I sprinted off, but lost my traction, and fell flat on my face. My arm flopped strangely to the side, so that it struck a rock, and pain shot through me immensely. 

Flash.

I laid on the ground, crying softly. I tried to get up, but the pain was too much. For a minute, I was ready to fall asleep.

Flash. 

I brought myself up on my knees and crawled with my good hand a couple feet forward. As the lightening died away, I brought myself up onto my feet, and planned more running. I didn’t want any chance of survival, and a gun would guarantee that. 

Flash.

I sprinted, this time, keeping my traction, and making it a good distance. I grabbed my left arm with my right, and tried to steady it. 

Flash. Flash.

I had enough time to make it three times as long, because they all flashed just when the previous one died out. When the third was finally beginning to die, I slipped, and without either hand to stop me, I fell.

And I crashed.

I crashed blindly into a tree. My face contacted it, and I fell off to the side, screaming in pain. I felt the blood forming in the places where the bark stripped away the skin. When I landed, I landed on my broken arm, and only screamed louder.

I laid on the ground, screaming in the pitch blackness. I could hardly hear myself scream over the noise of the rain and thunder. I heard a high-pitched metal creaking, that sounded like Juliet laughing. I imagined she was standing there, laughing at me.

I imagined everyone was. I was a failure, and a monster, and I was so close to death. I waited and waited for the oblivion to slip over me like a blanket. I waited for the freezing cold to end. I waited for the numbness, because it was all I wanted now.

Lightening flashed every couple seconds, and I got glimpses of the trees. I realized I was laying in a planted flower bed, and wondered how bad it would have hurt if I landed on a rock, or some harder ground. 

I probably would have blacked out. Then I would have been dead. What if I slipped on concrete? What if I slipped on the basketball court in the park? Then I surely would have died.

Either way, death was so close now. I only needed to fall asleep, and I probably wouldn’t wake up. That was the key word, though. Probably. I probably wouldn’t wake up. What if I did? Then nothing would ever right. No one would trust me alone. I would have to live with ditching Ida. I would have to live with letting a rapist get away that was something I couldn’t deal with. 

Death. Cool, dark, blackness. Oblivion. So close. Yet so far away. I was on the edge of it. Yet I didn’t want to leave Ida behind. I didn’t want to just leave her. But I was sickened by myself. Sickened so much that I wanted nothing more but for me to die. Wether it was at the hands of a gun, or a car, or the ocean, or a flower bed. Even if I died in the park.

I closed my eyes, and was ready to drift off to sleep. It started to come. A numbness. A cold, dark numbness. My eyelids felt so heavy that it seemed impossible to lift them. I doubted that I would ever lift them again. The sound of the rain and thunder slowly died away, and so did the metal creaking. Then, it was silence. Goodbye car. Goodbye flower bed. Goodbye park. Goodbye Ida. Goodbye Cliff.

The park. The park!

I jolted up suddenly, and sat in the darkness. I waited for the lightening to flash, because I was needed to confirm and idea that should have formed a while ago.

It flashed, and I saw the teeter totters moving up and down in the strong gusts of wind, creaking every time. I saw the basketball court off in the distance. I saw the beds of flowers that were the separator between the park and the woods. 

I jolted up, and ran as fast as I could. 

Flash.

I followed the limited light until I found the spot where I knew I was to go in. I did, just as the lightening died. I kept my right arm in front of me, to feel for trees, and make sure I stayed on track.

Flash.

I ran forward, and then suddenly I was enveloped in darkness again. But not completely. There was a faint light off in the distance. I blindly ran toward it, hoping that I wouldn’t trip on anything.

Flash.

And suddenly the shack was just a couple feet away from me. Yes. The gun. Death. Escape.

To my horror, I realized that this was false. The light. Bryan was still there. I stopped short, just a few feet away from the clearing that contained the shack. I shook my head in disbelief. He must have stayed to avoid the storm.

“No. No! NO!”

Now what? Now what was I supposed to do? Now there was practically no escape. No way out. No chance of death. 

Unless.

It occurred to me.

Unless! Yes! That was it!

I ran past the shack blindly, not even caring about the lightening, because I knew that the trail was straight, and all I had to do was concentrate extra hard. Yes. It was perfect. 

I thought back about all the times that I had sat out on the highest point of the cliff, and looked down at the flat rocks. They were made for landing on. 

Landing zone. The one thing separating me from this hell and nothingness. The end. The flat rocks signaled the end. And also a new beginning. Or nothingness. Most importantly, they signaled the end of something evil. Something horrible. 

Flash.

Flash!

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

Lightening struck dangerously close to me, and I jumped nearly ten feet up in the air. One, because it was so close, and nearly made me s**t myself. Two, because it had struck right as I was at the edge of the cliff. If it had not, I would have plunged off.

For a while, all I did was stare down into the blackness. Somewhere down there, invisible in the lack of light, there was a large collection of flat rocks. Some that would be perfect for landing on. Perfect for dying on. 

Was I ready to die? Was I ready for it all? To jump? To end it? I had to be. I had come this far. 

My arm pulsed with increasing pain, and I tried my best to stand, but a pain was building in my left ankle. I leaned awkwardly to the left, to try and lessen the pain in that half of my body. It was immense.

I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t blacked out yet. This pain was more than anything than before. If it wasn’t raining, my face would have been streaked with tears. 

My heart pounded so loudly that I could hear it over the rain and the thunder. Lightening struck nearly ten feet away, and a loud boom echoed off, shaking me, and shaking the land. Wind moved viciously at me, pushing be back toward safety, but I held my ground. I held myself right up to the edge. 

Lightening struck again, and I looked at the land for what could have been the last time. Every time it struck it could have been the last time. 

I closed my eyes, and prayed. I prayed to my brother. I told him he’d get to see me again. We’d get to hang out like we used to. I was only one step away. 

I told him how much I missed him. How much I loved him.