27: Resolution

My eyes fluttered between shut and open. Blackness. A dark blue. Black. Blue. Black. Blue. When I finally managed to keep them open, I knew where I was. The pool in the cave stood stale and stagnant beside me. 

How had I managed to wonder out here? I hadn’t even been down to the railing where it cut out into the rocks. And how had I managed to get down, when there were no rocks leading down anymore? They had washed away, leaving my previously trapped in the ocean. 

I looked outside. A storm was brewing. What did that matter? I was ready to die.

No.

No, I wasn’t ready to die.

Yes. Yes, I was.

No.

Yes. 

No. 

Yes.

I fought inside myself for a little while. After my last encounter, I thought there would be no chance of suicide again. Then, things changed. When I almost died, I realized I had things to lose. Ida was on the verge of suicide. Cliff was still my friend. Now, Cliff had kicked me out, and Ida hated me. I didn’t have Juliet; she was just an acquaintance. I didn’t have my family. I had no one.

Did I want death? That was the question now. No matter how many times I tried to steer away from it, it always came back, and it came back now. Now it was stronger than ever. 

I had intentionally hurt Ida. I had hurt her, and I tried to kiss her. What was wrong with me? There was Cliff, who could just get anyone. Then there was me, and I had to force myself upon someone that I loved. She only hated me more now, and I didn’t blame her.

She had every right to hate me. I was a drunk a*****e. But did I want to die? Yes, I did. I didn’t want to die in a cave on the cliff though. I jumped out, and found that the shore was completely visible. It would be a ton easier to get back, minus the long jump up. I hurried along the rocks, doing my best to step on the flat ones, and to avoid any slips. I managed to make it back to the cliff up to the railing. 

The rocks were completely gone, as before. How did I manage to get down here without washing out to the ocean? How did I manage to make the jump down without falling on my face? I looked over at the cliff wall. Small footholds shone through in the moonlight. 

It was about a fifteen foot climb, and falling would mean falling into the ocean while a storm was brewing, but it was would have to work. I grabbed onto the first foothold, and pulled myself up, then dug my other hand into one much higher. My foot went into the first one my hand was in. The foothold gave away underneath, and I fell down onto my chin. A little bit of blood welled in my mouth, and it took a second for the pain to sound in my tongue. I tried to pull myself up again, but slipped on the rock. 

Maybe I should just sit here and die. Maybe that would be best. Maybe that would be best for me and for Ida. Maybe for Cliff, too. Maybe it would be best for everyone, including myself. Maybe death, no matter how scary it was close up, was the answer to my problems. Maybe...

Maybe I should go apologize to Ida. And to Cliff. Maybe I just had to patch things up. Maybe I could still make this all work. 

No. That would only make things worse. Cliff was Cliff. He would never forgive me for what I did. He hated me, Ida had said so herself. Everyone hated me. I was alone. I hated myself for what I did. Maybe death down here wouldn’t be so scary the second time around.

Who was I kidding. It would be twice as scary. But it would only be temporary. After that was the vast nothingness. Or heaven. Or hell. But hell wouldn’t be bad. I was already there. They would be nice. But was it worth dying for?

No. It wasn’t. I found the will, somewhere within me, and I climbed back up onto my feet. The rain was starting to come down harder now, and the waves were beginning to crash as the wind beat against me. 

I gripped on harder, and made my way slowly up. The rain beat down into the crevices and dripped down over my hands. Soon, they were streaked in a light brown color that matched the cliff. Little bits of rock stuck on annoyingly, but I ignored them and kept climbing. Twice I had to spit out blood. 

I wished more than anything for another chance with Ida. I had fucked things over bad, and I felt terrible. If I could, I would have done anything to be with her again, and I knew that. She probably knew that. But she was probably terrified of me. I was a monster.

I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just so drunk. I was just so angry. I just wanted her so badly, that I reacted horrible. I attacked her. I deserved to die. But Ida was irreplaceable. I’d do anything, even if she wouldn’t forgive me, to tell her how sorry I was. 

After it happened, I went and got more alcohol, and then woke up here. Maybe I was trying to kill myself. No. I had to tell her how I felt. Death was not yet the answer. Though I had a strong urge to kill myself, and, in all honestly, probably would right after I apologized. 

If I could do anything, I would go back in time, and make sure that she didn’t get away. That she didn’t get with Cliff. So I could show her me. Not the monster that I had become over her. 

Though, that was it. I was a monster. That was the fact of the matter, and I couldn’t change it. I had hurt her. I ended it between us. Now there was nothing left to do but tell her how sorry I was and end it all. Suicide was nearing quickly. 

It was like soaring in an area I knew I was going to get shot down in. Like I was flying around in hunting grounds. At the same time, I wasn’t in the shadows. This was a new feeling. I was soaring high. Not from happiness, but from determination. I was momentarily invincible. 

I climbed as hard as I could, and my arm grasped onto the top finally. I pulled myself onto it, and laid on my back in the rain. Now what? I didn’t even know where they were. Where would I go?

I got up, and sprinted up the hill up the cliff. I rushed my way back to the trail. The ground was now a soft mud, and I slipped and slid so much that I nearly fell and bit through my tongue again. 

The shack was directly ahead. A light was on. Bryan. Bryan was inside. For a minute, I didn’t want to go in, just because I didn’t want to face anybody. But it was the last night of my life, and Bryan was someone I knew. Someone I sort-of wanted to see before I died. Mainly because he had never done anything bad to me like Ida, Cliff, or Samantha. 

I burst in the door, and he was sitting there at the table with a lantern. All around, buckets were filled with water that dripped from the ceilings. He had a beer in his hand, and didn’t seem to notice as the water that dripped into the bucket on the table was splashing his face. 

At first I thought he was dead. 

“Bryan! Bryan!” I shook him.

“Jesus! What?!”

“Oh, God...! Sorry, I thought...”

“Thought what?”

“You weren’t responding.”

He shook his head at me, and rolled his eyes.

“Come sit down, kid.”

I took a stool right next to him, and the water splashed down on me. I realized why it didn’t bug him. We were both so soaked that a little more water didn’t matter any bit. 

“Bryan.”

“What?”

“Can I borrow your phone?”

“Phone? Sure. Storm’s getting pretty bad. Calling Cliff.”

I paused for a minute before I took the device from his hand. 

“Y-yeah.”

“Alright. Tell him I said ‘hello.’”

“Will do. Thanks man.”

I tried my best to keep my voice steady, but it shook and cracked and shattered. He seemed not to notice how bad I was shaking myself. Maybe he thought I was just cold. I started to dial Ida’s aunt’s phone number, but stopped.

Ida would never answer me, not now. Especially not now. And never when she was with Cliff. There was no chance that she would even listen to a voicemail if I sent one. And Bryan was in here, I couldn’t just say whatever I wanted.

“Uh... Bryan?”

“Yeah? His number’s in there.”

“Could you excuse me for a second... It’s a little private.”

“Oh! No, sorry, I don’t want my phone out in the rain.”

He grabbed a coat and an umbrella.

“I’ll leave,” he said.

“Sorry, it’s just...”

“Understood, man. I gotcha.”

He strolled out the door whistling. Bryan was a weird kid, but then again, I was too. Everyone was a little fucked up by this age. We had all seen things we didn’t want to see. Encountered things we didn’t want to encounter. All fucked up and experimented something at some point. 

I racked my brain for the numbers, but I was pretty sure I remembered them. I punched them in. It rung. And rung. And rung. And rung.

“This is Cheyenne, I’m not here at the moment, if you could just leave me a message I’ll get back to you.”

A loud beep sounded. I listened as best I could with the rain and wind beating against the old shack. Even through all the noise, I could make out a faint sobbing coming from the other line.

“Cheyenne! Cheyenne, it’s Austin! Pick up the phone... please! Pick up... I need you right now... really badly... as it seems. Cheyenne?”

She was still crying on the other end. Not even Cheyenne cared enough about me to talk to me. She was like the rest. I was alone. Still, she was listening. I could tell. She was right next to the phone. 

“Cheyenne... Ida... she’s with Cliff. I.... sorta attacked her. I was drunk... I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m such a f*****g idiot Cheyenne. I hurt her. I don’t know what to do... I know you’re there. I know you can hear me. I really need you to pick up. Cliff kicked me out. Everything’s ruined. Everything. God, I f*****g hate myself.” 

I had to stop so I could try and cover up my strangled cries. 

“I hate everything. I’m going to end it. End it all. It’s over. I lost. I lost everything. I can’t get it back, either. There’s no point and trying to tell me to go out and live life, because I’ve done that. I’ve seen things. They’re not that great. Not as great as death. Death sounds so lovely right now, Cheyenne.”

A loud sob escaped me. It sounded like I was trying to scream.

“I don’t care if you pick up. F**k it. Maybe I just wanted to say goodbye to someone. I’m going to apologize to Ida. I need to tell her how sorry I am before I do this. I need her to know. I... I love her. More than anything. More than life. And if I’m dead, then she’ll never have to get hurt. I don’t want her to get hurt, I love her too much.”

I dropped the phone to my side, and let out huge, body shaking sobs. I did love Ida. More than anything ever before. She just didn’t love me. Then again, nothing ever seems to happen right. 

You always see the happy endings in movies, and the happily ever after. Not everything has a perfect ending. Not everything goes the way you want it to. You can’t have everything. I’d learned this.

Also, you couldn’t just kill yourself because of depression, I knew that now. Because depression was temporary, and it would end. This was different, though. This was for Ida. For her safety. For her happiness. I was doing this so she could be happy. Be happy with Cliff. So I wouldn’t get drunk again and hurt her. Maybe Cliff wouldn’t be there to stop me the next time. 

I put the phone back up, and I heard Cheyenne’s sobs had turned into huge shouts as well. I shook my head in despair. 

“Thanks, Cheyenne. I’ve gotta do this. I want to make sure Ida’s safe. I love her, and I know Cliff’ll take good care of her. I won’t. Not ever. My time’s up. I lost the game. I lost life. Bye Cheyenne.”

I hung up the phone. My cries fell silent, and suddenly, there was only the noise of the rain and wind. I splashed some water on my face from a bucket, and pulled open the door. 

Bryan was sitting in a little corner that was sheltered off with branches. He had his hood pulled up, and his umbrella protected him from the angles the shelter didn’t. He was still whistling. 

He looked up at me and smiled. White teeth flashed just as lightening struck from behind. He got up and walked inside. I handed the phone back without hesitation. The whistling stopped, and he looked silently. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Is it Cliff? He can be pretty hot-headed sometimes. Just let things slide. They’ll all work out.”

Not when you’re the problem.

“Yeah. I better head home now, though.”

“See ya, Austin! Come drink with me anytime! Or just hang out! I’m bored here or at home most of the time, so I’m free whenever.”

“Yeah.”

But I was already out the door. I was already out in the rain. Now, to home. Possibly they’d be there, but I was pretty sure they were leaving. Either way, I had to check. I had to tell Ida sorry before I killed myself. To home. To Ida. I took a step closer. It was a step toward Cliff and his girlfriend. It was a step toward apologizing. It was a step toward death. It was silent. It didn’t even phase me. It was just a quick step toward nothingness. It would all be over soon. Very soon.