20: Aftermath

“Hey, Ida.”

“Austin?”

He sounded distant. Not physically, but mentally. He sounded hollow. I could sense his depression, and I knew he knew about last night. Cliff said he wouldn’t. 

I sat at my desk, as I waited for Cliff to call me. 

“Hey.”

“Hey. So, I was just wondering if you wanted to go get lunch or something.”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“Austin... I’m with Cliff.”

“I know,” he admitted, “I heard you guys last night. But that’s why. I mean... I’m sorry about all of this. I want to be friends. I do. Really. I really want to be friends, and Cheyenne told me to step outside my box, and that’s what I’m trying to do.”

“Oh... I don’t know about lunch.”

I ran my hand through my hair, which was a feeling I wasn’t able to feel in a long time. Also, my head felt light under the short hair. 

After I got drunk at the beach, Cliff decided to take me home. It was obvious what had happened, though most of it was a blur. I vaguely remember getting home, and barely remember taking a scissors to my hair. Now, it hung down about three inches onto my forehead. Regrowth was visible from all directions now, as my hair stuck up at all different angles, and it was exposed.

“Please? It’s just lunch. We can go to the beach or something...”

“I’m not sure. It’s a little weird.”

“Come on, please?”

I could hear the panic in his voice. It was like he was going crazy.

“I’m not sure, Austin. Look, I havta go. I’m waiting for a call.”

“NO! No... don’t go! Look, it’s just lunch!”

He was breathing heavily on the other line. I remained silent, so he continued.

“Please? You said we could be just friends. You agreed we could. Let’s just go out as friends.”

I felt bad for the kid. Poor, poor Austin. I rolled my eyes a little, and gave a long sigh.

“Please?”

I clicked my tongue a couple of times and thought.

If Cliff would call me, he would call me on my aunt’s cell phone. Plus, there was a chance he would know if I was out with Austin. So, when he did call, then things would be OK, and I wouldn’t have to miss his call, not as long as I took her cell phone along.

“Alright. We’ll go to the beach. No meat. I’m a vegetarian.”

He was silent.

“What? Austin, are you there?”

“Ida.... y-you’re a vegetarian?”

“Yeah, problem?”

“Ida... I’m a vegetarian.”

“Oh, right. Duh. The beach. As friends. OK?”

“OK!”

“I’ll be there in about an hour.”

“Bye!”

“Bye, Austin.”

The best part was it was so close to Cliff, that there was a chance that I would run into him. Cliff was amazing, and I wanted to take the chance that he might even go along. 

Was Austin really serious, though? What was up with that kid? He sounded depressed, and he ran off like a little girl when I was with Cliff after he almost had sex with me. So then why in hell would he want to go to lunch with me? The kid was persistent, I’ll give him that.

I put on my shoes and headed out the door. This time, Juliet wasn’t wandering around the neighborhood, which was a little disappointing. No Juliet meant no stopping and talking for a good half an hour. So I drove straight to Shoreville, and it was a quiet ride. 

Clouds appeared from the window, and rumbled low and deep. Lightening flashed out across the land, and signaled the approaching storm when I was about ten minutes outside of Shoreville. Maybe the lunch would be rained out.

I prayed that it was, to be honest. I didn’t want to see Austin. I was sure he knew that. It would be awkward. Things were different, and I was with his roommate just after I had been with him.

I thought back about how cautious I said I would be. I had been cautious the first time I went to Shoreville, but I broke that with Austin. Then I had been cautious with Cliff, and I had broken that, too. 

Let things be rained out. Please. Please. Please.

Of course, they weren’t, and Austin was even waiting there for me. He had a lunch bag in his hand. It made him look like a little child. I rolled my eyes as I stepped out of the car and approached the bench he was sitting at. It took me a moment to notice that his hair was buzzed off. He was looking at my hair, as well. 

“Hi, Ida,” he said. His voice almost seemed to echo inside the hollow version of him. This was a new him. A depressive him. A him that was almost saddening to look at. But I was up high, and he wasn’t going to bring me down. Not now. No, I had come to far to be brought down again. Besides, it was Austin, a person I had just met, and his depression was nothing but a pity, if that.

“Hey, Austin,” I said, cheerily, and pretending not to notice the dark and depressive vibe he carried.

“So... hi.”

I stared at him blankly, and rolled my eyes as I looked away. Suddenly, he started to breathe heavily. I turned around to see that he was red-faced.

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s... what’s wrong?”

“Yeah... what’s wrong, Austin?”

“You... YOU... want to know what’s wrong.... what’s wrong with ME?”

“Yes!”

The crazy little b***h.

“What’s wrong with you, Ida?”

“We promised we would be just friends, kid.”

He took a moment to regain himself.

“Alright. For one thing, I’m Austin Carter, not ‘kid.’ I’m older than you. You’re a kid. And yes, yes we did say that we would be just friends, but really? Really, Ida? You’re sleeping with my roommate when you barely know him for God’s sake!”

Now it was my turn.

“Oh, how ironic! You’re mad at me for sleeping with someone when you’ve just met them! Shouldn’t that have been foreshadowed a little?”

“What?! Really, Ida? Really?”

I hit myself on my forehead in frustration.

“Austin, you’re argument is f*****g pointless!”

“Oh! Is it?”

“Yes! It is! Look at you! You’re jealous. You’re jealous because Cliff likes me!”

“Cliff likes you?”

“Yes! He likes me, and you have a problem with that!”

“Why?” 

“Shut up, kid!”

“I’M F*****G OLDER THAN YOU!”

“Shut up!”

“Why?!”

“Because you need to stop talking!”

“No, tell me why you think I have a problem with you two?”

“Because you want me! And you can’t have be because... let’s face it. You fucked up the chance with me!”

“I fucked up the chance? I?”

“Yes you!”

“Alright, then! Now tell me, why do you think Cliff likes you, huh?!”

I couldn’t take it anymore. Yes. Things didn’t work out between me and Austin. Yes. I ended out on top, and he ended up a little depressed. Yes. Things were different. Yes. I had slept with his roommate. But he was just making s**t up now. He was just trying to make-up some fight to fight because he was jealous of me. I knew it. I could see it. I could hear it. For f**k’s sake I could almost taste it.

“BECAUSE! BECAUSE CLIFF LIKES ME! HE SAID SO! I HAD SEX WITH HIM! NOT YOU! NO! YOU KNOW WHY?! BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE YOU! YOU’RE NOTHING TO ME! NOTHING! LEARN THAT! I. DON’T. LIKE. YOU. YOU. F*****G.... F*****G SCUM!”

He shrunk back into his seat. My throat hurt from the yelling, and I was a little lightheaded, but I wasn’t going to let him bring me down. Not now. Not ever. I was with Cliff, and I was happy, and I wasn’t going to let him stop it.

“Look at you! You’ve cut your hair for him! You’ve stopped eating meat! Ida! You’ve just met him! Look in the f*****g mirror!”

“I am. And I see me. You wouldn’t get it. I did all of these things for me. Me. I cut my hair because I wanted to. I stopped eating meat because it sounded like an amazing idea. Yeah, Cliff brought up the idea, but I thought about it. These are my decisions. Mine.”

“No they’re not.”

“Yes! They are! What’s wrong with you?! What ever happened to the kid on the phone? You know, the one who only had Cliff in his life? The one who’s only friend was so perfect? Huh? What happened to him?!”

“He realized some things, and he realized that sometimes shadows are hidden deep down where you can’t see them. Guess what? I can see them now. Cliff’s not all that. And Cliff is a man-w***e. I’ve told you that, and I know I have. He’s a one-night-stander. You were ‘waiting for another call?’ Did it come?”

“Austin... just leave me alone.”

“Did it?”

“Shut up! Please! I’ve gone through a f*****g lot, okay?” My face twisted up, and tears began to stream down my face. Suddenly, not even the warm heat that rose from the concrete was comforting. Suddenly, it was cold, and I was alone. My tears felt frozen on my face. I felt utterly alone. “You will never know what I’ve been through! Never! My mother f*****g killed herself! My dad killed my mom! I got beat! You’re just sitting over here complaining about how your life is so-o-o tough! How you got used! Guess what? I got used to! I know how you feel and worse! I’m not sitting here complaining like a little b***h like you are! Grow some balls! You’ve got no reason to complain, because you’ve got parents! It was your fault you left them! I didn’t have a choice! I had to live with this! I had no one! I had drugs, and that was hardly even a slight comfort! Look at me! Just look! Why are you sitting here yelling at me for doing what I want to do?! It’s my life! It isn’t yours, and I’m going to be the one dying when I die, so why can’t I be the one living how I live?! Huh...? ANSWER ME!”

“Shut up, Ida! I do go through a lot! Just because you’re a heartless b***h who doesn’t have emotions and can keep everything under control doesn’t mean everyone’s like that! No one is except you!”

“AUSTIN! LOOK AT ME! Look! Shut the f**k up and sit down! This is what I want, and you’re just sitting here like a f*****g spaz yelling at me for it! I don’t want you! I’ve got emotions, and I ration them out like a normal human being! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?! You’ve got this weird storage of emotion just building and building! Bottling it up! What’s wrong?! How can you get so worked up over nothing! Look at the world around you and see what’s in front of you! That’s what you need to do! Yet you see this distorted version where everything is just so awful! It’s not, you f*****g thick-headed idiot! It’s just fine! In fact, it’s great! 

“You know, maybe both of us were wrong first... maybe all we really need to do is just smile about things. Just be happy about what we have. That’s what I’m going to try and do. Smile. Be f*****g happy. There’s no point of sitting around doing nothing. I don’t know your reasoning. In fact, I never will. You’ll never know what’s going through someone else’s mind, but in mine, I was depressed. I was depressed because nothing in my life was going right. Now it is. I’ve got Cliff. I know you’ve got other plans, but life isn’t going to take those plans into consideration. It’s just going to flow. Maybe we’ve gotta let things happen. 

“You were stuck in a cycle. So get out of the cycle! Just let things happen! Don’t sit around and mope about things! Things are fine! If they’re not, then it isn’t the end of them. Trust me, I’m feeling great, and maybe we just need to smile about things.”

Austin sniffled a little at my speech, and wiped his eyes. I let the tears on mine dry slowly. The tension and the fighting both died from the air, leaving a couple confused passerby’s and the low crash of the ocean waves. It all died down into a calmness.

“I don’t know about you. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to just stop and smile. Though, I can’t just sit there and smile about things that aren’t right. I think you’re only saying that because you’ve got things going right in your life. Then again, maybe you’re right, and I may be wrong. I can’t just sit around and let things happen. I can’t just wait. That’s what got me into the cycle. You know why?”

“No. Why?”

“Because nothing was happening. That’s the reason you’re with Cliff right now; I asked you to come into town once. Yeah. We almost had sex. Yeah. I might not be over that. Though that’s why you’re here. If I was just waiting around, then you’d be at home still. You’d probably still be depressed. Unintentionally, I brought you out of that. And it’s all unintentional in this world.”

“I don’t mean sit around and do nothing; I mean that we should let things happen, and that’s different. I mean that we should do what we want, and live like we want... with certain boundaries, of course. What you were talking about was just sitting around. I mean that we should just let life flow. I mean that you shouldn’t be yelling at me, and you should just let it go.”

“Aren’t they the same thing? Calling you and yelling at you are the same thing. I don’t like admitting it, but I want you back. Inviting you over and trying to get you back are two things I want to do. If I didn’t call you, then... then that would be the same thing!”

“No. It wouldn’t.”

Austin remained silent. He had his thoughts, and I had mine. He was just trying not to get me any angrier than I had been.

“Look, Austin, I still want to be friends, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I mean, it seems a little weird, but I bet we could get past that. I bet we could just... let things ride. Let them happen.”

“Yeah. Me too. We should...I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“ Me either. So we’re good? And we’re not going to let relationships get in the way?”

“No.”

“Good... you still want lunch?”

“It’s getting a little late, and I’m sure Cliff’s wondering where I am, if he’s not with some gir- I mean... you know... he could be out doing anything.”

“...Yeah. Bye Austin.”

“Bye.”

Yet Austin was probably right about a lot of things. Cliff was a player. Though he said he liked me, and that meant a lot, because Cliff didn’t lie. 

Or so he said. Though that was not for certain, because saying you never lie was a lie of all lies, especially when you could make it believable. Cliff was what I wanted. Even though it was awkward, I truly wanted Austin as a friend, as much as I didn’t want to believe it. 

I was right in ways too, and I was certain of that. Things would be so much easier if they could just ride out. I was ready for things to just happen. Things seemed to be going my way ever since I moved to Maine, and I was too stubborn to realize it until Cliff came along. Now that I did realize it, it was a lot easier to just smile at life. It was a lot easier to look at the scars on my arms and legs without throwing up. I could look at them and see lessons on what not to do with my life. They were memories. I knew that scars made good memories. It was amazing that emotional and physical, they were just marks that showed traces of my past. Traces that were not going to affect or decide my future. Traces that were simply there, and not a ghost hanging over me depressively. Now I could just let them happen, and I think that was what I needed. I think that was what I was looking for for a long time. I think I had been looking for Cliff for a long time. Cliff was a life changer. Cliff was my life changer.