18: First Date

 What was life? What was any of it? I was so surprised by it sometimes, even though I tended to do the unexpected, and surprises were usually the expected. Yet none of us had seen Austin go. No one had said a word. In fact, no one knew how long he had been gone. That is, until Cliff did. 

Then, Cliff ran off after him. Cliff seemed clearly upset, and he wasn’t there anymore to see how upset I was. Right after Austin and I had been together, me and Cliff were holding each other. That’s probably what did him. I’d bet it was me. Not like I cared, Austin was just some kid again. Now, after things had happened, it was Cliff that was more of an interest. 

I loved the holes in his ears. I loved the big bulging muscles. I loved the scent of him. I loved his short, sandy hair and stubble. I loved the way his breaths rose and fell. I loved the way he pulsed. Now, Austin was just some kid who had ran off because of me, but it wasn’t like I cared much.

Juliet and I drove home, and I stopped at her house until about 10:30. Aunt Tracy was home when I got back.

“Hello, Ida!”

“Hi, Aunt Tracy.”

“Where have you been?”

“I left a note.”

“Really?”

No.

“Yeah. It was on the counter.”

She strolled over into the kitchen, and shuffled around a stack of papers.

“That’s funny. It’s not here now.”

“Oh? Well, something must have happened to it. Well, I’m super tired, aunt. I’m going to go sleep.”

“Alright. I should get some sleep, too. You know, one time, me and your father-”

The vibrations of her voice decreased with distance, and soon I could no longer hear her. Thank God. I sprawled out on my bed, and traced letters and shapes into the sheets. My foot tapped to an imaginary beat, and I drew a big “Cliff” into the sheets. 

I wanted Cliff, and that was obvious. I wanted everything about him. And yet I felt strange near him. I almost felt shy, which everyone from New York would know was a foreign feeling. It was almost a whole other world of feeling. On the roller coaster scale it was somewhere near the top. Maybe it was rising, or maybe it was a flat plane, but it was not in the shadows. 

I plucked at the bar in my eyebrow, and slowly drifted off to sleep. Sleep, which used to come easy, was suddenly not so easy. Either I was too sad and depressed to go to sleep, or I liked reality better. Liking reality better than dreams was a new occurrence for me, also. I had always longed to be asleep, because when I was asleep, I wasn’t on earth, and I wasn’t there to witness it’s horribleness.

Once I was asleep, though, Cliff was there, just as he was in the real world, and so sleep wasn’t so bad. As long as he was there, I was happy. 

Years and years back I had tried to run away from my father, and was gone for two days. It was two sleepless days, though, because I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid for one single reason: he was in my dreams, and it disgusted me. Eventually, I had to go back, of course. 

The ringing was quiet and distant at first, and I imagined it to be part of my dream, but it grew louder and louder, and I realized that it was the house phone sitting next to my bed. I jolted up as if I had just been shot up with electricity. 

“Hello?”

“Ida?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s Cliff.”

“Cliff... Cliff? What time is it?”

“It’s about 4:30.”

“4:30 as in tomorrow?”

“What?”

“Never mind. Hi.”

I had slept for nearly 18 hours. Suddenly my stomach was grumbling, though I had become afraid of anything in Aunt Tracy’s refrigerator because of it’s expired content. 

“Hey. So... I was wondering... you and Austin?”

“Are just friends.”

Come on, Ida. Raise your confidence. No more shy. You’ve never been shy, and you won’t start now.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Why? We should go out to eat sometime.”

“Should we?”

“Yeah, I’d love to, Cliff.”

“I’m not sure how Austin-”

“Pfft! Austin? We’re just friends. Come on, come pick me up. I’d love to go out to eat.”

I remembered Austin, and I remembered Lance. Those were both failed relationships, but Cliff was Cliff, and no matter how much my fear of another failed relationship creeped on me, I wasn’t going to let it stop me. I could tell what kind of person Cliff was from what Austin had told me, and I wasn’t going to let him slip. The other night had been almost magical.

“Alright... Actually, I could pick you up now, and we could meet in Silver.”

“Yeah. That sounds great, Cliff.”

“So... you want to go out?”

“Yeah. I don’t know much places around here. I’d be... nice.”

“I know a really great place in Silver. Yeah. That’d be great!”

“OK. I’ll meet you at the beach?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll come pick you up at your house.”

“You know where I live?”

“I can find out... You know, not creepishly or anything.”

“Ha! OK, great!”

I gave him my address, and hung up the phone. Suddenly, the world was spinning. Cliff asked me out to dinner! I gave a loud joyous scream, and realized that my aunt was surprisingly home. 

“Ida?!”

“I’m fine, Aunt Tracy!”

“Alright.”

Aunt Tracy didn’t know how to take care of kids, but that was fine by me. My father never knew either, so it wasn’t anything too different, besides an occasional beating. 

Everything was behind and stayed behind now, and in front was Cliff. Though I had made a promise to myself not to let Cliff get away, I also made a promise to take things slow. Though I was definitely one to stay clear from Austin’s so called “cycle,” I was not one to w***e around. I was also not one to have sex on a first date, which was something that I had almost done with Austin. I had regretted what had happened with Austin, and things would’ve been different between him and I if I hadn’t have almost slept with him. I didn’t want that to happen between Cliff and me. I was also fully aware that Cliff was a “one-night stand” type of guy, and that was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I wasn’t sure why, but I wasn’t about to let things happen that way. No, Cliff was going to be more than that. 

I made a mental note not to go to bed with him, at any cost. Though when people looked at me and usually had a mental flash of the word “w***e,” I never had sex with too many people. I slept with Lance, and almost Austin, and that was basically it. 

I drew on my eyebrows and tried my best to hide my dreadlocks. I bet Cliff hated dreadlocks. Then, I sifted through old clothes until I found something somewhat wearable. A black skirt with a white button-up blouse seemed OK. They were designed to be formal, yet at the same time be a casual wear. That was perfect, considering I had no clue where Cliff was taking me out to eat, and I had no clue how fancy that place would be. 

I looked up close at my face, and broke into a panic at the sight of the small bumps forming on my cheeks. Pimples were not tolerated. I rushed out into the hall, and then into Aunt Tracy’s room. I swiped her make-up bag, and hurried back. 

The contents were emptied onto the bed, and it mostly looked like little squares and tubes, and a bag of clip on earrings. I stared blankly at the pile, and realized I had no clue how to put any of it on. I knew how to work a stick of eyeliner, but aunt didn’t seem to have any. Either way, all of this would have to do.

 

Nearly an hour of frustrated smearing took place, and I eventually managed to get most of it on in a manner that seemed right.

“Cliff! You’re here!”

“Yeah! Hey, Ida! Ready?”

“Yeah, just a sec.”

I ran back inside, and grabbed a black and shiny coin purse that my aunt kept. It was probably one of the only things in her house that wasn’t past it’s expiration date, literally and figuratively. 

“Ready now?”

“Yeah.”

I wrapped his arm around me, and let me to the passenger seat. He didn’t look dressed up, and suddenly I blushed under the heavy make-up. I had overdone it, and I felt like an idiot. He got into the drivers seat, and we pulled away from Aunt Tracy and her expired food, and her furniture that seemed to be from centuries ago. 

“You look nice, Ida.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t have these stupid dreadlocks!”

“Oh? Yeah, I guess I’m not much of a fan of dreads.”

“You-you’re not?”

“No, not really.”

My head fell down, and I stared blankly at my feet.

“Well, you look nice, too.”

Immediately, I regretted my words. He wasn’t wearing anything special, but he pretended not to notice.

“Oh, yeah. Thanks.”

“So... where are we going to eat?”

“This place in Silver. It got put up a couple years ago, and they’ve got the best veggie burgers.”

“Veggie burgers? Sounds great!”

“Yeah. It does.”

I tried my best to keep a conversation up, but it seemed as though Cliff wasn’t in a mood to talk. The short, lifeless replies told me that at least one of us was calm. Cliff knew how to handle women, and I had to remember that.

 

“You know, I’ve never been to Silver.” I said, just as we entered the restaurant. It had a bar in it. Suddenly, I felt like I was dressed like a queen hanging out at a city dump. I mentally beat myself up for being so stupid, and we took our seats.

“Can I start you off with a drink?” The blonde, slender waiter smiled down at us.

“Water,” said Cliff.

“Water,” I immediately followed.

“Alright. I’ll be back in just a minute to take your order.

Cliff watched her go carefully. His eyes moved up and down as she trailed off.

“So, what’s a veggie burger taste like?”

Cliff turned to me and stopped biting his lower lip.

“Oh, it’s like a... like a... you know, I’m not sure what to compare it to.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He looked back in his previous direction, and then stared blankly at the menu. 

“God, I’d kill to be old enough to drink at that bar.” I said, trying to slide back into my regular self. I tried desperately to calm myself so he could see the me that was me, but it was difficult because I was so nervous over him. I let my shoulders drop down and my eyelids did as well. Now at least I wasn’t staring at him like a rabbit. My leg shook violently under the table.

“Do you drink a lot?”

“When I can.”

“Cool. I’ve got some beer in the car. We can head to my place or something, but I’m not drinking in Silver.”

“Y-your place?”

“Yeah.”

A thought crossed my mind, and my surprised look almost showed through physically. 

“Or maybe we could go to the beach. I mean, it’s so nice out.”

“Yeah. I like to sit out on the porch, but I guess the house would be a little weird. Austin doesn’t know that I’m with you.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s why. I mean, it’d be so much easier at the beach.”

The blonde waitress strolled back, with two waters in her hands. She smiled, and flashed white teeth. I hid mine automatically. Hers were like diamonds to my stones. Up close, however, they were stained and worn down from a multitude of things, and that made me feel more at ease.

“Here’s your water, you two. Now are you ready to order?”

“Yeah. I’ll have a veggie burger.”

“And for you, ma’am?”

“Same.”

“Alright. I’ll be right back!”

She scurried off again. This time, I started to talk before he had a chance to watch her leave.

“So, what’re you like? Austin’s told me some about you.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, you know, he said that you two were roommates.”

“Anything else?”

I thought for a minute. Austin had told me that his fiancé had left him, and that he slept around. He also told me that Cliff was big on questions, though he had been quiet all night. He told me that Cliff always told the truth.

Blushing, I replied, “No, not really. He hasn’t told me that much.”

“Oh. Well, let’s see. I met Austin a couple years ago, and I was once engaged, but she left me. I try and tell the truth and never keep secrets as much as possible; I think it’s stupid to keep secrets. It only ruins things. I get angry easily, I know that. I can’t help it, but I do get angry. Um...”

“How close are you and Austin, exactly?”

“Oh, God, Austin’s my best friend. I guess he’s all I’ve got sometimes. I think that’s why I get so worried about him. I mean, I’m always in his business, and I can tell that. I regret it, and I pretend it comes naturally, but I think it’s just because I’m so worried about the damn kid!”

“Yeah. I see.”

“Look. Austin... he’s a nice kid. And this does feel weird. You know, me being here, and him and you.”

“There’s nothing between us.”

“Good. Austin’s closer than anyone to me, and I love the poor kid. I like you a lot, too.”

I was silent. Under the table, his leg slowly began to work it’s way up mine, and I bit my lip.  Deep in Cliff’s eyes, there was a calming stillness that was almost lifeless and bug-like. His eyes were so dark and large that they looked like a dog’s eyes.

I felt a lot better about him. He said he had liked me, and I knew from what Austin said that he was telling the truth. I felt better about Austin, too. Austin was alright, but he was no Cliff. What had happened between the two of us was over, and even though I had a thought that he thought differently, he would have to deal with it. 

My roller coaster was rising, and the shadows felt so far behind me now. I was up in the sky.  

            I bit my lip a little harder, and grabbed his hand. 

 

The rest of the night was supper, and then we drove to the beach. After that, things got blurry. Blurrier and blurrier they got, and suddenly the night was a blank in my memory. One thing was for sure, and that was I was not in a cycle, and I was in a dream. I was with Cliff, and even though I had just met him, that was incredible. I wanted Cliff, and he basically said he wanted me. 

Suddenly the unintentionality of life was in a good way. The truth of my parents was something of the past, and it was something of the past that had unintentionally got me to where I was now. It got me to Cliff. Getting depressed and cutting myself had let me to Austin, who, though wasn’t a sexual interest, was a friend. I was glad to have him. I was glad to have Aunt Tracy. I was glad to have Juliet. Most of all, I was glad to have Cliff. To have him hold me in his arms. To have him tell me he liked me a lot. To have him reveal his secrets to me.

Also, my past no longer stayed in my mind. My past wasn’t in my future anymore. Not in the sense that I looked back on it for reference, and let it make decisions. Now, the future was distinctly the future, and the past didn’t matter. Lance didn’t matter, and suddenly what had happened between him and me was just a story. My parents were just a story. Drugs and my so called “friends” were just things that were in New York. Now all that mattered was Cliff. He was my longing. He was almost an obsession. He was what I needed, and I was determined to get it.