17: Dead Dreams and Beliefs

My head span as she left the room. I wanted to call out to her, and call her back. Yet I knew it was hopeless. I stood by the drawer, stupidly holding a condom up to the light while completely naked. Ida didn’t seem like the person to just run off like that, but perhaps there was more to it. Either way, I stood there, and eventually had the sense to pick up my clothes and begin to put them back on. Cliff walked in as I was putting my shirt back on. 

“Hey, sorry dude. I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Where’d she go?”

“Uh... probably back to Saco.”

“Oh. Jesus, I’m sorry man.”

“Yeah, well, I’m tired.”

“Dude, no you’re not. It’s 6:42.”

“Well, I want to sleep then, and that’s truth.”

“Can’t we just-”

“No, come on, Cliff! I just want to be left alone right now.”

I pushed him out of the room, and he didn’t resist. Once the door was locked, I put a blanket over the window, and laid down. I didn’t bother with the blankets. I looked up at the blank ceiling, and nothingness stared back. Or, blackness stared back. Cold, depressive blackness. 

What was the point anymore? Was this all there was? I never believed in God, but was there anything more? I didn’t want to just go to the ground. If I was successful in life, I would just lose everything in death. If I failed at life, then It’d be a relief, but I’d still be gone forever. Neither concept was one I was quite fond of. 

For the first time in a long time, I thought of my parents. Maybe if I was still with them they would try and help me out of everything. At least, they could try. Cliff was probably a better help than them, but it seemed like Cliff was always sort of a problem, too. 

He was always sleeping around. I knew deep down that his fiancé had changed him, wether he liked it or not. And now he was always in my face, and always asking if I was lying. He couldn’t just stay out of things, could he? 

One could say he always tries to help. No, not me. It wasn’t about helping, it was more, it was a compulsion. Almost an obsession. One to know everything. An obsession to make sure he knew exactly what was going on. 

She had also changed him and made him into this truth telling a*****e. I had no clue how he got girls if he was always telling the truth, from what I’ve heard, not experienced, one night stands were complete lies. He was always putting the cold truth right in front of your eyes. That was what he was good at, especially when you were trying to hide it somewhere else. 

I thought of Ida. Something about her made me go almost insane, or so it seemed. I actually tried things on her, which was something that never happened with Samantha. It was strange. I thought of Cheyenne, and what she told me, and suddenly, I was living. I was trying things, and those things felt great. 

A single tear dripped down my cheek, and I wiped it away. I pulled up my phone and began to dial. 

“What.”

It wasn’t even a question. Just a statement full of anger and frustration and embarrassment.

“Ida?”

“Yes. What?”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“Are you? It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, no you’re not.”

“Yes, yes I am. Look, can we meet up?”

“No.”

“No, I mean, meet up and actually get to know each other? You can bring your friend and I can bring Cliff.”

“Bring Juliet?”

“Yeah.”

“So... wait, you want to hang out?”

“Yeah.”

“And with Cliff?”

“Yeah.”

“And me? And Juliet?”

“Yeah.”

She was silent in disbelief. I even had to check and make sure she hadn’t hung up. Yet I didn’t want this to end, and even though I was a shy guy, I wasn’t about to let her go. 

I didn’t even know why she was so important when I had barely met her before. Yet she was depressed like I was, and she knew my secrets, and she was relatable. I wasn’t about to let any of that go, even if it meant stepping out of my mild-mannered box and taking steps toward her. I was determined.

“Really?”

“Yeah! Please? I know that maybe things went too fast. Extremely too fast. But I still want to be friends with you. Come on, come out to the beach, and you’ll get to actually know me, and you’ll get to know Cliff. I’ll bring a supper or something. I hope you like soy, because me and Cliff are vegetarians.”

“I don’t know.”

“Please?”

She was silent still.

“OK, just meet us at the beach, and bring Juliet.”

“I’ll call her and tell her to drive down here. Just f**k the food, and bring Cliff. I’ll see you there in a little bit, I guess.”

“OK, thanks.”

“Yeah. No problem, Austin.”

“Bye Ida.”

“Bye.”

I set the phone down and went jumping and skipping out toward Cliff. He looked up at me strangely with one eyebrow raised. 

“Come on, Cliff. We’re going to the beach.”

“Are you sure you’re fine? You’ve been acting weird.”

“Yeah, I know, but come on.”

“You said you wanted to be alone.”

“Yeah, but we’re meeting Ida and Juliet at the beach.”

“Ida? Juliet?”

“Yeah, Ida was the one that was...”

“Oh.”

“Come on! You’ll get to meet them!”

“Are you sure you’re fine? You know I’m worried.”

“Yes!”

That was the truth. I was feeling a lot better since I called Ida. She was near to the center of my depression right now, and was almost like a trigger. I felt like she was essential to have as a friend, so I was feeling much better when she agreed to a second meeting.

“I really don’t believe you, Austin. I never do anymore. Come on, you’ve been acting really weird. And you’re my best friend. And you have been ever since... she left. And... and... and you know I love you. You know I’m worried sick. Come on, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing! That’s the best part! I’m feeling great!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Ida’s my friend. Nothing more, and I’m happy.”

“She’s just your friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Then what was that?”

“A... uh.... well, sort of a carried away type of moment. It’s so much better now.”

“You don’t make sense.”

“Do I ever?”

“You used to. But... maybe...”

He trailed off, and I could tell he was avoiding something, which was rare with Cliff.

“What?”

“Maybe that’s not you anymore.”

We both stared at each other silently.

“Yeah. Maybe not.”

“Well...”

“Well?”

“Are we going to meet them then?”

“Yeah. Ida’s calling Juliet now. Let’s go.”

Cliff wrapped his arms around me.

“You’re my best friend.”

I could smell the thick cologne on him, mixed with a light sweat.

“You’re my best friend, too, Cliff.”

“Yeah. Well, let’s go.”

But he didn’t let go right away.

“Where are you from?” Cliff asked Ida. 

“I’m from New York. But my dad’s in jail. My mom died when she was fifteen, right when the found out who the father was. He’s thirty years older.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but, it’s fine.”

Cliff took a long look at her arm.

“And those?”

“Just... life. I don’t do it anymore.”

She lied. I imagined her thigh in my mind. Those were fresh. That was damn bullshit that she didn’t do it anymore. I kept my mouth shut, and sat back with Juliet while the two talked.

“So, you’re from New York? The state or both?”

“Both. That’s were I lived my whole life, New York, New York. Then my dad murdered my aunt.”

“Oh, God. Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I never talked to her.”

Ida was strange in the way she thought. It seemed almost very strange at times.

“Hey, look, what a freak!”

She laughed, pointing at some kid swimming out in the water. He was nearly eighteen, had purple hair, and needed floaties to go along with his life jacket. It was a nervous laugh she gave, and Cliff laughed along so she didn’t feel quite as bad. Though, her face turned red, and she shriveled up into a ball.

“Are you cold?” Asked Cliff.

“I’m... yeah. Yeah, I am.”

Cliff wrapped her arm around her and looked back at me to make sure it was OK. I pretended not to notice.

He coughed.

I looked out to the ocean.

He coughed again.

I looked down at the grass.

He tapped my bare foot.

“So, Juliet, how long have you lived in Saco?”

“Oh, basically my whole life.”

This was the first time she had talked, and I realized just how high and squeaky her voice was. Cliff stifled a laugh.

“Really? I’m from Alabama, but I like Maine loads better.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, I get to wake up to this ocean everyday, and I get to come up here and sit on this cliff all the time. Just look down, it’s beautiful.”

“It’s a long drop.”

“This is the highest point.”

“Besides, Maine’s pretty boring.”

“Maybe. Have you ever been to Alabama?”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

She blushed as she laughed, and flashed bright white teeth. Things slowly died back down to silence, and I saw Ida rest her head on Cliff.

“Once a guy jumped off of here. A long time ago. They were going to put some railing up, but it never happened. See, not that many people ever go on this trail. Just me, Cliff, and some lady.”

“Some large lady,” said Cliff.

“Uh... yeah.”

Sometimes I hated Cliff’s humor to the point where I wanted to punch him. But Cliff was my best friend, and I could never hurt him.

“Actually,” he continued, “a couple people have jumped off of here before. It’s just, you weren’t here then. You were still in Alabama. It was right when I moved in. Strangest story ever, I swear. 

“When they came out with the evidence, and the news story, and everything, it was intense. I mean, it was some sort of suicide pact, or like a cult or something. It all happened at once, so they were thinking about a murder, but it turns out they had a pact or something.”

Juliet looked on toward the horizon. Her hand ran through her short hair, and I looked at her quietly. She had a very fine face. It nearly resembled that of a porcelain doll, only sharper and tanner. I tried my hardest not to stare at Cliff or Ida, but it was nearly impossible.

What was love? I had only thought I was in love once before, back in elementary school. Of course, that was nothing. It wasn’t even logical. It was some girl in my class that I had a crush on. Yet again and again I found myself debating it’s true meaning, and also its existence. I’d be damned if I’d ever found it. Love, as I’d heard once, was a disease. I didn’t even believe it to be that much. I believed in love, though. I believed in love alright. But it was love’s nonexistence that I believed in.

So I sat on the grass and let an opposite emotion swell in me. I let it swell and swell until I came to the conclusion that it was jealousy, and also something that was strange and new toward Cliff. It was a small form of hate. It was a puppy-hate. It was not a true hate, but a simple hate that is tossed around lightly in conversation. It was a jealous hate. 

I sat there and did nothing about the emotion. I did nothing about Cliff. I did nothing about Ida, who I had somehow tricked Cliff into thinking was only an interest as a friend. I sat there and realized that that was what I was good at. I was good at sitting on the sidelines and letting things slip past me. So I let the darkness begin to slip over me in a slight but steady manner, and I let Ida slip me. I realized this was the effect of my being stuck in the cycle and letting things happen and never taking chances. I realized that things slipped past if you didn’t grab on to them. 

I looked back, and suddenly wished that my brother was here, and not laying in the ground. I wished he had not slipped passed, and wished I had not held on, though it was all unintentional, as everything else in life was. 

Suddenly, I missed Alabama. I missed the warm nights sitting with my old friends. I missed my parents. I missed my brother especially. 

For the first time in a long time, I began to thing a little of religion. What if my brother was not gone, but somewhere else? What if he was in heaven? Then he wasn’t gone from my life. That was an extremely comforting thought. Now I realized exactly what those people at the soldiers funeral who had held the rosaries felt like. Now I knew. Or, now I remembered. I remembered my brother, and I remembered the time after his death that was once forgotten. I remembered praying every night for him to come home, because he was my idol. Yet, he never came home, and then they told us that he had died. Then I prayed some more. I didn’t even believe he was gone. We went in to the viewing, and I was certain he was going to pop back up at any moment and tell us all that it was a big joke. Yet it wasn’t. I remembered throwing away the rosary that hung limply in my hand, and I remember tearing apart the bible that I kept in my room.

Unintentionally, Ida had brought back the past that I so desperately destroyed. That was a memory that I had completely forgotten. Until now. I thought of God one last time, and I thought of the figure I was brought up to believe as Jesus, the savior. Then, I closed my eyes, and opened them slowly. I saw the most beautiful reflection of the creeping night over the water as I had ever seen, and I closed my eyes again. This time, I felt like I could fall forward, out over the cliff, and just keep falling for an eternity into a bottomless pit. I felt like I was ready to leave the ground, and never come back. I felt like, if there was a hell, and it wasn’t on earth, and there was a heaven, and it wasn’t in the upper-class areas, then I was ready to go and meet my brother. But heaven and hell were two concepts that had been buried with my brother. They were dead, just as he was, and just as so many of my childhood dreams were, such as becoming a movie star. They were all dead. And it was so long ago that it didn’t matter any more.

I closed my eyes, stood up, and began to walk home. Cliff and Ida didn’t even notice. Only Juliet watched me go, but she was too shy to say anything. I walked alone as ever through the cold night, and I hugged myself for other things than warmth.