15: Sudden Rush

Cliff was sitting down in the recliner, reading the paper. I walked up behind him and tapped his shoulder. 

“Huh?” he asked, without turning around.

“Wanna go for a run today?”

“No, I’m fine right here.”

“Wait... what?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“You went on a run yesterday. Why not today?”

“You didn’t yesterday. Why today?”

“Because...” I hesitated a little before going on, “because today’s a good day.”

“Well, I don’t know. I might go.”

“Maybe? Like when?”

“Like when I finish the paper.”

“OK.”

I turned to walk away, but I couldn’t move. Cliff had my arm.

“Hey.”

“What? Let go.”

“Wait.”

“For what?”

“Are you sure you’re OK?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“You’ve been acting strange.”

“Yeah. Well, you know.”

“No. I don’t know.”

“Well. Trust me. Because. Because. I’m fine. Fine. Trust me.”

“Alright, I guess. We can go on a run.”

“Sweet!”

“Just let me get some shoes.”

I hated wearing shoes in the hot weather. I used to have tons of open-toed typed shoes. Unfortunately, most were either broken or lost, the rest were back in Alabama. I decided to go on the run barefoot.

“Where are your shoes?”

“It’s fine. I’ll just go barefoot.”

“On the trail?”

“It’ll be fine. I’ve been out there barefoot before. It’s not bad, because the trail’s usually pretty clear. And the rest of our run will be sand.”

“What about the rocks?”

“What about them? They’re large, human-sized rocks. Maybe bigger. It’s impossible to get one stuck in your foot.”

“You’ll fall.”

“Cliff, it’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

He looked at me through a raised eyebrow. His eyes could always see right through me. I knew he could tell that I was being a little edgy. I never fought against what anyone else said. I was too good-mannered.

“You’re fine?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“OK. Well, let’s go then.”

We set off out the house and down the street. Naturally, we would have been walking on our hands or pointing out odd people passing by. A lady was wearing snow pants while walking her small dog. Both of us stared, silently.

We clambered down the stairs, and onto the sand. It was hot, and rose up between my toes. Already, my feet were blistering, but I ignored it, mostly so Cliff could ignore it. Slowly, we jogged across the beach, and silently, too. My feet slipped and slid through the sand, and they burned. It felt like they were bleeding. I ignored them, and we pressed on.

Suddenly, his phone rang. 

“Hello...? Really...? That sounds... hold on... what...? I... I’ll be right there... yeah... yeah... yeah, no problem... bye.”

“Who was that?”

“Uh, I have to go.”

“Where.”

“Job interview.”

“Oh... alright.”

He left, and I stood there, stupidly staring at his receding body disappearing into the horizon. Just like that, I was alone. Suddenly, I felt truly and utterly alone. 

Though I was out, I was doing something different, and I was out of the cycle. I still felt alone. Something was eating at me. I could tell that there was something more that I needed to satisfy me. 

Cliff was always with someone. Even if he was going to a job interview, which I was sure that he was, he would likely come home with someone. I, on the other hand, was always alone. Maybe that was what was missing. Yet I wasn’t like Cliff, I couldn’t handle a girl per night. I wanted a relationship. I knew that. I knew it even when I tried hooking up with Samantha, though that was revenge. I needed a relationship, which was something that I could never seem to have.

“Hey, Austin!” Samantha called, as she jogged down the steps and onto the beach.

Oh God. 

“Hi, Samantha.”

“Hey! Wait!”

I turned and was beginning to walk in the other direction.

“What? What do you want?”

“Listen, I’m sorry about before.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry about blowing you off. It’s just... Cliff came over, and he... he told me things. He said he didn’t want me to be with you... he’s a liar. Austin, I need you.”

“What?”

“Seriously! I do! I need you, baby! Remember when we used to be together? Remember how much fun we had when we were in highschool?”

She gave her little giggle.

“Vaguely. I remember you using me.”

“Using? What?”

“Samantha, don’t play f*****g dumb.”

I was starting to lose my temper. Somehow, I was yet again becoming someone else. I never yelled. I was transforming. I could feel it.

“What? Austin, I love you!”

I gave a long sigh, and slapped my face.

“Don’t do this to me. Please, please don’t do this. I don’t want this.”

“You still love me, please! I know you do!”

“I do.”

“So come on,” she said, as she grabbed my hand. “Let’s go to my place.”

I jerked away.

“No, I love you Samantha. Though I’m not going through this again. I’m not going to let myself. Get away from me. Stay gone. Just... do your little s****y things, and I’ll do my things.”

“S****y?”

“Yes, Samantha, s****y. Now listen, I love you. But I’m looking for a relationship, not a one night stand type of thing.”

“What? I can do relationships! I swear!”

“No, no, you can’t. Just leave me be. I want this. I just don’t want you anymore. Or... maybe. Maybe I want you, but I just don’t want this.”

“What? What the f**k are you talking about, Austin?”

“I don’t want this! All of it! Not the relationship with you, because you can’t handle it! You’re just like a child!”

“Austin! I am no f*****g child! You listen to me! You like me! You love me! When you love someone, you show it! You f*****g show it! Now, either you come back here, and you show me you love me, or quit f*****g lying!”

Tears were forming in her eyes.

“Listen! You don’t love me; you feel sorry for me! Don’t. I feel sorry for you. And when you love someone, sometimes it’s best to leave them alone, for your own sake. Especially when you know you’ll get hurt. And on the other side, I’m not lying. Even if I was, I think you’ve done enough lying to me, so we’re even.”

“Lying? I love you!”

“You feel sorry for me! Of course, lying! Samantha, you can’t go and pretend what happened didn’t happen! You hurt me in highschool, and you managed to do it just a little bit ago! Yes, you’re a f*****g liar!”

“No! Listen, I didn’t mean any of those things! I swear!”

“Yeah. No one ever means anything. It’s all unintentional, isn’t it?”

Suddenly, I found myself thinking about Ida.

“Listen! Let’s just forget all that! Let’s just start over... from the beginning! I want this. I want you, Austin.”

“Samantha. You can’t do this to me! Don’t f*****g do this to me, because you know I’ll fall for it! No! No! No! Get out of my head! Get out of it!”

“I’m not in your head! I’m right f*****g here, and I’m right in front of you, OK? Right here! This is reality. Deal with it, and give me an answer!”

“I did! I gave you an answer! You denied it! I still think about us a lot, Sam. I do. I don’t care who you’re in love with. I don’t want this. I’m not going through it. Just get away from me, OK?”

“F-fine! I will! You can go f**k yourself, Austin! Prick!”

She stormed off, and I called after her.

“You can go f**k yourself, too, you stupid b***h! You f*****g b***h! You’re a tramp! You’re a s**t! Just f*****g leave!”

“I am! Go to hell!”

“I’ll see you there! They don’t let s**t into heaven!”

A lady took her kids inside the house, and slammed the door. I spun around, and made my way toward the rocks. Damn Samantha. How could she do that to me? After everything, she just couldn’t let me be. I realized, this was a whole new feeling for me. I would never have thought of saying that to another person a couple weeks ago. Yet here I was, making ladies take their children inside. Here I was, making Samantha cry. Here I was, acting so strangely toward Cliff. 

I wasn’t about to let myself near Samantha again. She had done so much to me. In fact, she had sort-of started my depression. Unintentionally, of course. It was all unintentional, as I had recently learned. I could feel myself flying in a whole new area. Maybe a new height. Though, I didn’t feel like I was high up. I was angry. Usually, I felt happy and soaring high, or depressed and on the ground, bleeding from my broken wing. Now, it was a whole new area. There wasn’t something to describe it, but it felt amazing. It was a rush.

I made my way along the trails, and I stopped at the spot where the cliff was the highest. I looked down. Some many yards below were the rocks. A fall from here would be horrific. I often stopped here in the deep areas of my depression, and sat. I never looked down. I just sat, and thought. 

I did this now, but I had a smile on my face. My heart beat in my ears, and I felt like if I jumped, I would start to fly. I would fly far away, into the sunset. What a dream. To fly away was an amazing thought. It warmed my body from head to toe and gave me comfort. 

I hugged my own body, and fumbled around with the spot on my head where the hair was missing. I liked the haircut. I would keep it just how it was. 

I thought of Ida. Maybe Cheyenne was right. Maybe it was time to go out and meet a girl. It was worth a shot. Anything was better than dealing with Samantha. I pulled my phone from my pocket, and searched through the contacts.

Ida Cambell.

I dangled my legs from the edge as it rang four times.

“H-h-hello?”

“Ida?”

“Yes?”

She was sniffling. 

“It’s Austin.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Are you alright?”

“Oh! I’m just f*****g fine! Just great! Yeah! Everything’s just perfect! Just f*****g perfect! I just love this! GOD F**K IT ALL!”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, talk about it. That’s what I’m here for.”

“What, you want to kill yourself?”

“No, I’m checking up on you.”

“We were supposed to call when one of us was depressed.”

“You sound pretty bad.”

“Yeah, well, that’s how you know I’m perfectly fine.”

“Ida, you aren’t fine.”

“I-I-I-”

The cries came out, loud and choked.

“Ida!”

“I’m f-f-fine! Leave me alone!”

“Ida, listen. Let’s talk about this! Come down to Shoreville. Come on, this is serious!”

She was quiet for a minute.

“Yeah. Alright. I will. It’s only an hour away, right?”

“Yeah! You’ll be here?”

“Yeah. I could use a friend right about now.”

“OK, bye, Ida. I’ll see you soon?”

“I’ll see you soon. Bye, Austin.”

Somehow, I had a good feeling. She wouldn’t blow me off, not like Samantha. This was different. I looked at my watch. It was 4:30. She’d be here in an hour. I laid down on the cliff edge, and looked out to the ocean. What a beautiful sight. 

I closed my eyes, and I flew away.