11: Bittersweet

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“This is my fist time at this... uh, I’m not sure...”

“Here. I’ll go first. Yesterday, or just a couple hours ago, I got ditched by a girl, who then slept with my roommate.”

“Man. That sucks. Today, I found out that my fiancé has been sleeping with my best friend. They ran away together.”

“Oh, dude. I’m sorry!”

“No. I saw it coming. Besides, I was freaking out about getting married. I wasn’t ready.”

“Weren’t ready?”

“I rushed.”

“Rushed?”

“I rushed into things. I wasn’t ready. It was probably better that we didn’t get married.”

“Oh.”

“Still. I still loved her. It’s just... I was freaking out. I wasn’t me. I knew it. I just couldn’t help it.”

“I’m so sorry!”

I was feeling better.

“To add on to it, I’m not sure about anything anymore. I mean, I grew up a Christian. Now...”

“I was never religious.”

“Yeah. But now, I don’t know. It’s just weird. It’s something I’ve gone my whole life following in. Something I’ve believed in for so long. It’s just... everything I’ve ever stood for seems so weak now. All because of one girl.”

“God. I know how you feel! Not on that level. I mean, she used me in my junior year of highschool. I tried getting back with her. God, I’m an idiot. She rejected me, and I found her with my best friend Cliff, who I live with.”

“Sorry.”

“When she did that in junior year, everything just seemed so deflated. That was when I started getting depressed. And Cliff talked about sleeping with her a while ago. He does that. He sleeps around a lot. I think it started with Cindy.”

“Cindy?”

“That was his fiancé.” 

“Oh.”

“She... she left him.”

He gave a sick, almost demonic, laugh.

“Sounds familiar.” 

“Sorry. Anyway, after she left him, he just became so... different. He started to be clean with everything. When he was with her, he lied about a lot of things. I think she made him who he is now. Then, he stopped eating meat, because he felt sorry for the animals, or something. She changed every aspect of him.”

“It’s funny how much of an impact one person can leave on you. You never really even realize it until it’s gone, either. Funny. Sickly funny, but funny.”

“Yeah. It’s just... she seemed to have changed him for the better. He was clean about everything. He was honest. He was friendly. He was amazing.”

“But...”

“What?”

“There’s always a ‘but.’ Always.”

“Exactly. He didn’t ever want to get married after that, he told me. He started sleeping around. She turned him into a man-w***e.”

“People will do that. You’ve got to just keep your sight on what’s in front of you, you know? Remember what you’ve got, and don’t let it go.”

“That’s funny.”

“What?”

“A friend told me that recently. Anyway, I guess she’s unintentionally the reason I’m here.”

“Things are so unintentional. One thing happens, then another, then another... pretty soon something big happens all because of that first little thing. It’s sickly funny, again.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess. ‘Life’ is unintentional.”

“Agreed.”

“I almost tried cutting myself. I couldn’t do it, though. Then Cliff walked in on me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. You’ve got it worse. I’m starting to thing there are worse things than being caught in the cycle.”

“The cycle?”

“Life.”

“What?”

“Life is a cycle. A big mundane cycle. Unless you can get yourself out of the cycle. Break it. You know? But I guess it’s a little like darkness. Life is darkness, but once you’re out of it, and in the light, then you can see it all. You see lots of nice and pretty sights, but then there’s gruesome things that you never wanted. I’m beginning to think that staying in the dark and avoiding those bad things is better than going in the light to experience all the good things. At the cost of seeing the bad, too.”

“I know, right? People f*****g suck!”

“Yeah. It’s like, I’d rather be totally blind, then be able to see evil. Like I’d never eat, just so I wouldn’t have to taste poison.”

“Or like I’d rather be immortal, just so I could avoid judgement day, and the risk of hell... you know, if they exist, which I’m beginning to doubt.”

“Yeah. I don’t know about religion. My family was never big on it.”

“Oh, God. You should’ve been raised by my family! You would’ve died!”

“I’d rather have been raised by your family, just so I could escape the pain here, and at the cost of all the fun.”

“Ha! I doubt that, honestly. They’re the ones who wanted me to marry her. They had it all planned out. I was just stupid enough to fall in love. Now look at me. But you know, I guess it’s not that bad. I mean, every bad event in your life becomes a memory. And memories lead to learning life lessons. It’s like, memories make good lessons.”

“It’s like scars make good memories.”

“Yeah!”

“Wow! God, I’ve never thought of it that way. Interesting.”

“Muy interesante.”

He was getting into a better mood. 

“I’m Austin.”

“Hi, Austin, I’m Charlie.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too.”

“You’ve helped me a lot.”

“You too. Actually, I’ve got to go now.”

“Oh? Well, it was nice talking to you!”

“You too! I’m gunna go out an live my f*****g life the way I want!”

“Yeah! Live it! Do things! Be you! Nothing’s better than that, trust me. I’ve learned so much today!”

“Me too! Bye!”

“Bye, Charlie!”

I hung up just as Cliff entered my room. His eyes were red and puffy, and he had to close them to adjust to the bright light. It was the following night, and I had been out all day at the beach trying to avoid him. Once his eyes adjusted, they darted to the wrap on my hand, and then to my wrists. Once they were satisfied, the rested on my face. He stared right into my eyes.

“Hey.” I said, quietly.

“I heard you were up.”

“Oh. Yeah. I was just talking to an old friend.”

“Old friend?”

“Y-yes. From Alabama. His name’s Charlie.”

He shook his head and sat down next to me.

“You’re such a liar. Though, at least the name sounds about right.”

I looked at him in disbelief.

“You were listening?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, come on! What about privacy?”

“Sorry. I’m concerned, though. Let’s talk.”

“I... I don’t want to.”

“Well, we’re going to.”

“No. No, we’re not.”

“We have to. Come on, dude, you’re my best friend!”

“I... I’m fine. I was just on the phone.”

“It isn’t about that. Or. Maybe it is. DHS?”

“Yeah.”

“I guessed. It wasn’t that hard.”

Probably not. Not if you were listening in.

“Oh,” I said.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Depression Help for Strangers?”

“Depression? Oh, yeah. I don’t know.”

“I heard you talking. I listened to the whole thing. I’m sorry. I mean, do you really feel that way?”

“Yeah. Life’s so boring. I don’t want to kill myself though.”

Because it would hurt. I didn’t want to kill myself because I was a f*****g p***y.

“Good. You’re my best friend. I love you, man.”

“I love you, too.”

“Geez, I didn’t know you were trying to get with her... If I knew you liked her that much like that...”

“It wasn’t that.”

“What was it?”

“Everything. Everything... just piled up. It just kept piling and piling. I don’t know. I guess it just got a little... hard.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. But this helps.”

I picked up the phone again and started to dial. He took the hint and walked out of the room.

Depression line reached

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Oh, hi. I’m Austin.”

“I’m Jared.”

Suddenly, he started pouring out to me. This wasn’t his first time, either.

“My ex-girlfriend tried getting back together with me today. She said.... she said, ‘baby. I miss you so much! Come back.’ So I texted her back, and I said, ‘What?’ So then she called me. She said, ‘I need you. I was stupid. We belong together.’ Or, she said something like that. Either way, I told her, and I told her good, ‘Cindy. Don’t do this to me, please don’t do this to me. Do you have any idea how long it has taken me to get over you?’ She said ‘no.’ ‘Well, it’s taken forever. I’m still not over you. But I don’t want this anymore. Or maybe I do. Maybe I want this, I just want you.’ I knew that wasn’t true. I wanted her, but I didn’t want to go through that again. ‘I love you! I always did. Please! Just come back!’ ‘No. Listen, I love you, too. But you said it yourself, you weren’t ready for a relationship. I was. I wanted this. You didn’t. Then you go off with that guy, and forget about me. Do you have any clue how much I love you?’ She said, ‘yeah. And I feel the same way about you! I know exactly how you feel! I’m sorry!’ So I say, ‘NO! No.’ I say, ‘I know that’s not true. You know that’s not true. It’s not. It’s not true. If you knew how I felt, you never would have put me through that kind of torture. Never. Not ever.’”

“Oh. Dude, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. It’s fine. What about you?”

“Yesterday I found this girl who stood me up was having sex with my roommate. She stood me up for the guy I live with, and went with him instead. The b***h.”

“Yeah, she is! That’s sucks, man. Then my girl asked if she could come over.”

“What’d you say?”

“I told her she could. I’m such an idiot. I fell for it. She just left a minute ago. I can’t believe I’m doing this again. I can’t believe I slept with her again. She can’t do this to me! No! Not now! God d****t! No! I don’t want this! Or... maybe I do. I don’t know anymore. I’ve lost track of what I want.”

“It’s amazing how much one person can completely change you.” I hear myself saying.

“Yeah. Yeah it is.”

And I realized. In the end of the day, it didn’t matter what had happened. That was the past. What had happened was surely going to unintentionally affect the future, but it’s the past, and you can’t change it. 

Emotional scars. Those were created. And they were memories. And memories were lessons. Life lessons. I realized it didn’t matter that Cliff slept with Samantha, because Cliff was my best friend, and he didn’t know. He would have no clue what would unintentionally happen because of it. 

And I realized. I had learned much from Jared. I had learned much from Charlie. I had learned much from Cheyenne. They themselves were memories; scars in my mind. They were lessons. They were like a drug. They were like a high. They brought me back up into the sky every time I talked to one of them. Of course, that never seemed to last long, but neither did a high. It was bittersweet. Just like life. Sometimes you had to be in the light, just to see the good things, and also the bad. Because though they were bad, they were scars. They were lessons. You couldn’t just have bitter. You couldn’t just have sweet. They were one package. 

And I realized. That was just OK. Bittersweet life. After that came pure and tranquil nothingness. For right now, I was in the bittersweet. And the sweet kept me there for the bitter. For a moment, I had no notion to kill myself. But all things come to an end, eventually. Maybe I would just have to wait it out. Wait. Just wait.

And I realized. I was fine with waiting, for the moment. Until the bitterness came. But for now, that had subsided. And the sweet was the sweetest I had tasted in a long time. 

I waltzed out of the room, and into Cliffs. He was standing in the middle, obviously still recapping what had just happened during our talk. I hugged him.

“Sorry, dude.” I said. And I smiled. And I soared higher up into the sky. Free from the grasp of the cycle.