Winning Back The Voice

This poem is on the day when, the UN formally declared the rights, every human being deserved.

Today was the day which put an end to the tyranny,

Oh! Finally, we could call this a victory,

The years and years of on and off struggle,

Just to make our misfortune visible,

Why couldn’t anyone understand?
Why couldn’t anyone see?

Many losses were borne due to this- 

Unjustified captivity,

Many voices were suppressed many were unheard,

Just for reasons, absurd.

 

Anyways, now was the day to rejoice,

As today was the day we won back our voice,

The rights of the living were declared today,

And today was the day from when,

The colour of one's skin would not determine,

One’s place in the society,

But sheer merit,

Would Determine the beings who deserved. 

 

Today was just the start,

Today humanity had seen just one ray,

But many more rays were to come,

To empower our spirit of freedom,

And when that occurs,

Our purpose would be truly served….

BY ME

Author's Note

What do you think of the first stanza? Does it set in with the poem or not? Are there any other conspicuous errors?

Reviews

[emipoemi]

ok - ok - ok!! This is muuuuuuch better!! Musicality it's on freaking point, your poetic craft is adept! You only don't need some punctuation and superfluous words.

Observe:

*many losses.....to this" (why the dash? "unjustified captivity" is part of that same thought. You could keep the dash for aesthetics, but then the comma after captivity has to be changed. A period or a semi colon.

*many unheard" (no "were" - no need. Put a comma after "suppressed" and it's a given that "many unheard" uses the same auxiliary verb as "suppressed")

Begin the second stanza with "Now....." (no need for "anyway". Not adding anything, not smoothing anything. just no need), then take the commas out from "when", "determine", and "merit" as they're part of the same thought with their respective progressions, and no need for stoppage (if you want a breath at those lines, the line break is already doing that).....don't know why the "determine" in the last line is capitalized though....

*more rays 'are to come" (you have the everything else past, and "are" gives more emphasis and hope for the future - better that way).

But apart from those little things - dang, this is good!! Well done! Much enjoyed!

[Siddhant_s]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is what I needed to know. I am not good with punctuating my poems ( as my English teacher pointed out). Also, I do have a problem with the superfluous words but I am trying to better my skills. I am grateful for your review.

[emipoemi]

Glad I could be of assistance. You're very welcome.

[Julia.Moore]

A love for haiku poetry began in college, inspired by its simplicity and depth. The book Blue Harlequin captures these moments beautifully. Read the full article to explore the essence of haiku poetry: https://aoidemagazine.com/what-is-haiku-poetry/

[Chris]

If only such could be true BUT life is struggle. Nothing is free or for free. Trust remains ungiven - just earned.