'The Poet'

‘The Poet’

 

There is a dark house in some town.  The mailbox is rusted and tilted to one side.  There is three days of uncollected mail in it.  The house is an old brick rambler with green aluminum siding.  All the windows are open in the house.  There are small flower boxes outside each window.  There are no screens on the windows so the bugs fly in and out freely.

 

Inside, the house is shadowed.  Yet, there is lots of light that comes in the through the open windows.  The corners of the rooms look like kaleidoscopes of light and shadows.  The absence of furniture and wall decoration makes the house look very spacious.

 

Back behind the kitchen there is a small den with a red carpet and cinderblocks and 2x4’s which hold an incredible amount of books.

 

The room is damp and there is the smell of dusty decaying books.  At the far end of the room is a small window that does not open.  Below it is a desk-small, old and the varnish has been worn in places so that the oak wood shows.  The wood has begun to splinter.

 

In front of a crumby, pathetic typewriter sits a gray and tired man.  His face hangs, as if he has no skull.

Reviews

[Nechelle]

The imagery in this is wonderful. I particularly love when you describe the corners of the room as a kaleidoscope of light and shadows and the way you end the poem as sharply as it is begun.

I also really enjoy, in the first paragraph especially, how you describe the scene in short jarring sentences rather than combining them into something eloquent and flowy.

Beautiful

[Hi]

I like the detailed imagery here of the scene. It is much imagery with implied emotion; the most perhaps at the end where you call the typewriter pathetic and the man tired. Thanks.

[A. Amos]

Your world of creative writing takes your readers to different part of the world, that is form form of magic and your spell:) simply amazing

[Thaddius]

Cool prosaic style. It reeks of suspense, I found myself holding my breath, bracing myself for some demon to jump out. It's cinematic, like a wide landscape daring to pull closer and closer in and explore this uncolonized space. Dread.

I'd fix 'wall decoration', because it subtly hurts the flow. I'd omit the word 'pathetic' because you don't need it, it's too close to the old man and therefore transparently a commentary on him. Besides that it's really compelling stuff

[Thaddius]

I actually didn't mind 'wall decoration' when I read it again. The tone is sparse and technical, the pointed way you avoid going into the emotion evokes this spent poet. Cool talent

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Cheers mon ami - thank you for reading...

[Brook]

Interesting. Very interesting. I like your imagery, but I feel that you could benefit from more descriptive verbs and using active voice instead of passive voice. For example, you say, "The room is damp and there is the smell of dusty decaying books." Instead, you could say something like, "The smell of dusty decaying books permeates the damp room." I think simple changes like that would really make a difference in this. Overall, still good!

[Thaddius]

I disagree. Your way is better. The word permeate in something like this, come on! Save it for biology class

[Brook]

The word permeate was just an example -- the fact is that "there is the smell" is passive voice and lacks strong verbs. Good writing uses active voice and strong verbs. It's a quick and easy way to get the reader more involved.

[Thaddius]

I think the passive style is an artful way to embody the spirit of this rooted, wilting man. She zooms in on this scene in a cinematic way, not cheating by jumping to a close shot of books or aluminum before the big reveal. Each new thing, eg. the room, has to have something done to it by the thing within, not the other way around. It's her effect, and I think it's precisely how she eschews the standard rules that make this so compelling

[Thaddius]

And on strong verbs: yes, I agree with you completely. But deader, weaker verbs make it colloquial and give it this sense of dread. If the language makes this house pulse and reel then I think it's a different effect

[Brook]

Hmm, fair point. As far as style goes, I suppose it could work. I just hesitate to assume that it was intentional. There's a difference between making a conscious stylistic choice and simply having room for improvement. I suppose I would rather point it out in case it wasn't a stylistic choice than ignore it and risk losing an opportunity to help the writer grow. Rereading it, though, you do make a good point. As a style, the passive voice does add to the presentation of the ending.

[Brook]

Interesting. Very interesting. I like your imagery, but I feel that you could benefit from more descriptive verbs and using active voice instead of passive voice. For example, you say, "The room is damp and there is the smell of dusty decaying books." Instead, you could say something like, "The smell of dusty decaying books permeates the damp room." I think simple changes like that would really make a difference in this. Overall, still good!

[Strider Marcus Jones]

I like the detail and atmosphere you create in this piece Beth. Cooool ending. 100/100

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

This is me actually - not a he...but thank you for commenting kind Sir.

[Wolfwind]

Oh wow! What an intense and amazing image you craft here. It speaks to me of a writers end of days, when the ink simply is gone and all that's left is an emotionless husk. In these words, time has already begun to erase the flesh of they who once were or might have been.

...it's kinda depressing... But I love the detailed descriptions, so that brings a grin!

Great Ink!
Aaron - Wolfwind