First Hope..

When born, you don't get to choose.. you don't get to choose because you still can't comprehend this weird roller coaster you're about to hop in!

I, definitely would have chosen a different path. A different me!

I, innocent of this body, innocent of this soul, innocent of this person I became, would have created a better algorithm for this piece of a life.

All I wanted as child was to ride a bike like the rest of my friends, to have the prettiest doll, and to never take off that beige dress my mom used to hate! I out-grew it so fast... at least I think!

Scarred a bit, I still stand, and think; I do not want to be that fierce girl on Instagram, nor do I want to be that beauty guru on Youtube... I just, I want to be! not just exist.

The first hope I have ever had, was to want to go home. To find that one person I didn't know how to love finally sober. I think it would have made a very slight difference in our relationship. but it doesn't matter now.. that person is gone, gone gone!

I don't wish I had the chance to fix things, I don't even deserve an apology, it's fine!

All I wish is peace upon their soul, and some peace to cross paths with me.

Now that I grew up, a little.. I hope I can one day gather the smallest things and run away! and sit in a well lit corner with only my memories which I wish I can simply wipe away and start over, and while having the first sip of a cold very tasty Arizona iced tea, I would pull out a Marlboro cigarette and light it up with an oven lighter, and just smoke my trouble away.

And just like that, I would immediately start panicking!

What if I can keep some of my favorite things forever? for as long as i live..? for example; the smell of the rain in my hometown, or a handshake that moved me, or even a line that flipped my stomach so hard! And whenever I feel blue, I get some of the things I keep, and turn them to the new me.

But then if I get too too lazy, I would do this everyday, or even more than once a day! what kind of a life is that, I know... An unbelievably amazing one!

Now that I have lost my first hope, I still am an average, very plain, neatly designed pile of nothingness, and proudly I say: I still have hope.

Reviews

[Paul Bell]

Think you've got it in one.
Hope is all you need, doesn't even need to be aplenty.
The past is what it is, you can't be responsible for others you can only learn from their mistakes.
What the past does do though, is allowing you the freedom to indulge yourself in later life.