This is the story...

This is the story about a girl; who at a very young age realized that sometimes you have to pretend to be happy for the sake of others. Now this girl wasn’t always taught to think this way. She had a pretty good childhood; she fought with her siblings, did things she thought was okay at the time, and was happy. She didn’t become what others would describe as ‘fine,’ until the year she moved away from all her friends, her family, everything she knew, and everyone she loved. She was young, scared, and wasn’t sure why this was happening. Her family had to live in a tent for a couple months until they could get their things and move in with her uncle, who lived four hours away.

The day came when it was time to say goodbye to her family; to everything she knew. There were tears. A lot of tears. She promised she would be ok. That she would call. At first she was ok. It was the middle of the summer; school felt unreal. She never expected her life to change. A few weeks before school started she got in a car accident and flew out the window. There wasn’t any serious damage but she will live with the scar.

The first day of school came. She was happy to be in a new place, make new friends, and keep her promise. At lunch everyone wanted to sit with her; after all she was the new kid. All the guys wanted to date her; she was the “cutest fifth grader in the school.” A lot of the girls didn’t like that; the girl want from guy to guy. She was new and wanted to explore her options. She dated this one kid off and on for a while, but it didn’t work out.

In sixth grade, things started to change. She got kicked out of the “popular” group and she started hanging out with people who understood her. Now I can’t tell you the exact moment she decided it would be the best time to pick up her soon to be best friend, that cold sharp welcoming piece of metal. But, I can tell you that as soon as she did she couldn’t stop. He gave her a secret way to feel numb. Everything that has happened was catching up to her.

It wasn’t until seventh grade that people found out about her secrete healing. She doesn’t remember who found out first, but she knows when they found out nothing was ever the same. Her boyfriend dumped her because she was too depressed for him. Then she met this guy, he was a grade ahead of them and he liked her zebra print outfit with cowboy boots. They hung out and he started touching her, now she was still young and wasn’t she what to do. She wanted him to want her so she allowed him to do whatever he wanted.

The girl and this boy continued to hangout. Things continued to happen. He messed with her while he was dating other girls. He messed with other girls. But she still wanted him to want her so she allowed him to use her. She hurt herself more because she knew she deserved better than a guy who kept hurting her. But she loved this boy, now she told the boy this but he didn’t believe her. She was too young to know what love. Blah blah blah.

Skip ahead it’s the summer before eighth grade and she ditched that boy. It hurt but she did it. Now she’s really happy, her cousin had a photoshoot with her and a couple of friends. The spark was back in her eyes, she no longer knew what it meant to be sad. She dated her best friend. They lasted awhile but things changed and they broke up. She started looking for love online, sending pictures to anyone to make them love her. She met this guy. He was the best, but he refused to call her, she complained and he blocked her. That night was the night she decided she was done with being happy. She went up to the creak bank and cut until she couldn’t feel and blood was pouring out of her wrists. She then went back inside and cried herself to sleep.

Ever since that night, the spark has been gone from her eyes. People don’t notice it because no one is looking but it isn’t there anymore. She can feel that she is no longer going to be truly happy until she is away from the place that has caused her so much harm. She’s in ninth grade now and no one knows that she has attempted suicide 15 times. She still talks to that guy that used her but it isn’t the same and they fight.

In tenth grade, she found a reason to smile again. Her boyfriend. She loves him dearly, even though she has nights were she is sitting alone, every night, waiting for someone to love her. Or for her to love herself. No one knows how she feels. She keeps it in. She tries so hard to be strong and make everyone happy, but she feels herself slowly killing the ones she loves. Even if they don’t understand her pain or her suffering she still knows that they can tell she is pretending to be happy.

She lays awake at night sometimes; thinking about if things were different how she would feel. Tonight is one of those nights. She doesn’t want to go on anymore, but she knows she has to because the pain she would cause others is more than the pain she bears. No matter how much she tries to convince herself that they won’t miss her; she knows they will. She loves everyone too much, that is her problem. She knows she is going to die, by her own hand, soon. No one knows and no one will expect it either. She will just… Disappear... And this story… This story will be her suicide note.