Compulsion. I guess that is what you can call it. I don't know why I do it, but it must be done. - Death
Never having any blood run through his veins, he was always curious why people value life in such a way. It just
looks complicated. The resources it takes these creatures to do what
they do. The efforts they take just to keep living. Why do they do
this? What is so great about it? What purpose is it serving just to
take up space doing this thing called "free will"?
Life has
to be valuable to them. They all fear him. Even the ones that pray for him, FIGHT, as he separates their soul from their vessel. There is always
a tug, a clinging if you will. Resistance of separation. But he always win.
That's his job. He never sleeps, never eats, never stops, and never misses. I guess you can say he's an overachiever. Just one swift swing of his scythe, one
touch of his cold embrace, and your life is over.
Sometimes he hesitates just a little just to watch
events unfold. I guess his curiosity has grown and gets the best of him sometimes. Today was one of those days. He never forgot this day. *****************************************
He followed along the maze of life
strands just like any other day. Being where he need to be, when needed. He never knows where he will end up day to day. Having served multiple souls at a car crashes, and attending some alone in a loneliness of the woods. But this one strand was a little unusual. The calling for him was strongest he's ever felt. Frankly, it gave him the willies. It led him to a hospital, which was not all that different, but this life strand was not like any other he's ever seen before.
This hospital was
quieter than usual at 3 a.m. You could almost hear the echo of his flight as he passed
through the halls. As he entered her room, he could see the windows fog up
a little. A normal occurrence. He was surprised to be led to a child. He's taken so many other children to the other side. "What made this ones strand so different?", he asked myself. None the less, the had a job to do. He hovered over to her silently.
She was sleeping peacefully. Splitting image of a perfectly sculpted doll. Blonde hair, angel white skin, and the face of pure innocence. He felt ashamed for what he was about to do. But it had to be done.
"Rest my child, may your laughs echo in the halls of heaven.", he said as he bent down to bestow onto her a final kiss upon her forehead.
Right before he did, he heard the most heart warming "Hello."
He looked down and there she was, her blue eyes locked with his. He could almost feel warmth touch my chest.
She smiled and said
in the most innocent voice once again, "Hello."
He gasped and startled back in a
jolt. Never has he been greeted in such a warmly manner. The
fearlessness in her stare made him want to turn and run. No one has ever caused him to lose my guard. For Gods sake, he almost dropped his scythe!
They stared at each other for a while and she smiled and repeated , "Hello. I have waited such a long time for you."
He felt such weakness that his feet hit the ground. Confusion
had engulfed him. This must be a trick to delay the inevitable, he thought. He gathered himself and readied the scythe above his head and
stepped forward.
"It's nice to meet you. I have waited all my life for you. You are all I ever dream of.", she said.
His body grew weak
once again as he lowered his weapon to his side. With a clinched fist he shouted in rage, "FEAR ME CHILD! I HAVE COME TO END YOU!"
She did not even blink at the
thought of his words. "Come sit beside me.", she said as she patted the
side of the bed. She continued, "Join me my friend. What do you call yourself?"
"CHILD MY NAME IS DEATH AND SOON IT IS ALL YOU WILL KNOW!", he shouted with all my might.
She smiled and replied, "How does one fear
such a simple name?"
Never has he felt so vulnerable. Never had he been so intrigued. "Child, it's not the name you should fear
but to what I do.", he said.
The child replied, "What you do is as easy
as your name. You are quick and sudden. You are here and then you are
gone."
Never been spoken to in such a way, he sat beside her. "Child, I
am here to take your free will. No longer will you smile. No longer
will the sun kiss your skin. The smell of a spring flower gardens breeze will no longer tickle and melt your heart. Do you not fear this?", he spoke softly but
stern to her.
She replied, "All my life I have sat in this bed. Pain
is all I know. The sun may kiss my skin, but it bites my soul. A flowers fragrance does not stop my pain. The
only smiles I have are for you."
Totally dismantled now he asked his final questions , "What is your name child? What has this world done to you?"
The child leaned in slowly, put her hand on his shoulder, and whispered into his ear one drawn out word, "Suffering."
She then grabbed his hand and he went limp with pain. Wounds
split open all over as all his bones snapped and broke. His body contorted in pure
agony as cancer ate his heart. He could feel starvation eat at his muscles as they grew weak and begged for substance. Tears run down his cold cheeks for the first time in his existence.
She then let go and his pain subsided.
He crawled to the far corner of the room and coward in fear. He watched as she stood up on the bed and grabbed the scythe that was dropped during the episode.
He could see the fire and hate in her eyes as she bellowed out, "You think yourself a monster!? You are the Savior! I am the one that makes men cry! I am the one that brings famine! When people beg for water I give them sand!"
She continued while pointing at him, "You are Heavens soldier! You are Hell's mercenary! You keep this world right!"
Tears started to stream down her soft cheeks as she broke down crying, "I bring pain. I make the smell of a rose burn your soul. I make men drink and women cut. I make war torn amputees hobble, AND CRAWL IN THEIR OWN BLOOD!, as their brethren die around them."
"....and I feel it all", she sobbed.
She looked up and they locked eyes again. She then took the scythe and thrust it into her heart.
She fell to her knees upon the bed and with her last dying breath, stared into his eyes with her sky melting blue eyes and said, "I am whom that should be feared."
She then lied down, and her body went limp.
Death could not move for what felt like hours. He just sat there with his knees up to my chest, stunned and horrified, like a shell shocked soldier. The silence was broken after a bit by the sound of streaming blood that had run down from the sheets of her bed and had begun to splatter upon the floor.
He gathered himself up, took a deep breath, and hovered over to her. For the first time he could remember, he felt compelled to weep. He fought it off though, after seeing the smile on her face. He knew she was in a better place, for now.
He removed the weapon out of her chest, and gave her that kiss. The cold shiver and the distant howl as her soul left her body will forever haunt him. He righted his mind back to focus and left. He still had a job to do. He always does.
He thinks about her all the time. They will surely run into each other again. She will be reborn. There will always be a place for her on this earth. He will wait for her prayers for him once again, and next time around, he will be swift.
I've rewritten this into the 3rd person. I need to get better at lessening the use of He, Him, and I in my writing. Maybe some day I will attend a writing class.
My Review
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Intriguing. I like the characters. There are a few misspelled words, but you'll find those as you edit. Suggestion. The child is suffering and racked with pain, yet she finds the strength to stand and kill herself with Death's scythe. I think that her words would be more powerful if she remained calm, even though I like what she said to Death. And because she is so weak, it would be more believable if she remained in bed. I think that she should invite him to kill her once she is finished speaking, as she is the one who has called him there. Maybe Death could regret not being swift to begin with and letting her suffer longer than he had to. I enjoyed the open ending. "There will always be a place for her on this Earth" and "next time, I will be swift". That is a good way to end this.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you for the honest review Connolly. I always treasure other peoples opinions and ideas on a w.. read moreThank you for the honest review Connolly. I always treasure other peoples opinions and ideas on a write I do. You make some very good points and I will consider them when I go over this piece again. Thanks again for the review.
8 Years Ago
You're doing great :) Don't be shy about letting me know about fine tuning any of my stuff either. .. read moreYou're doing great :) Don't be shy about letting me know about fine tuning any of my stuff either. Sometimes I miss very obvious things, and letting me get away with it won't help me become a better writer
This was very entertaining. Are you a fan of Neil Gaiman by chance? I love his work and I got similar vibes from this piece due to the manner in which you personify these abstract deities. I love how it's so dark, but also oddly gentle and opens so many paths of thought. The way these being experience the world and have become personified has always been a huge interest to me. Please don't let this go unfinished as it shows great promise. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors, but nothing so terrible as to completely destroy my immersion.
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
7 Years Ago
Thank you for the wonderful review. I've never read any of Neil Gaiman's work, but now I will look h.. read moreThank you for the wonderful review. I've never read any of Neil Gaiman's work, but now I will look him up. Maybe I can get some idea off of his work to finish this up with. Thank you once again.
I enjoyed reading this story, but like the other reviews said, you could definitely add more. There are a couple of grammar errors, but those are easy to fix. Nice job!
I really like the story behind this and the interpretations available for the reader, though it is clear enough to understand what can be interpreted. I agree with the other reviews as well, so I will leave my comments there. Well done, thank you for this story.
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thank you for reading my story Morgan. I always enjoy input on my work. I will have to rework this.. read moreThank you for reading my story Morgan. I always enjoy input on my work. I will have to rework this when I find the passion to.
Thanks for reading and reviewing my piece. Could you elaborate on what I could do more or better on.. read moreThanks for reading and reviewing my piece. Could you elaborate on what I could do more or better on?
7 Years Ago
Instead of flat out saying what the girl is. You can give hints and symbols. Death can be "soul coll.. read moreInstead of flat out saying what the girl is. You can give hints and symbols. Death can be "soul collector." Or "Release in disguise." Or something like that. You want to really make the reader think: "Hmm. What could this mean? Is she sadness? If she pain?" You don't want to force down the idea of the girl representing suffering, down their throats. Let them imagine, let them think, let them guess. Let yourself be the one to hold the answers.
You have a good theme, but I feel you could have made this have a big impact on people emotions and thoughts.
It would require a lot of thinking, planning, and analyzing but it would give the story power, that makes it unforgettable.
Hope this helps. :)
~LG
7 Years Ago
Thank you for your valuable input. You make a good point. I will have to add a little bit more sus.. read moreThank you for your valuable input. You make a good point. I will have to add a little bit more suspense on this after I get done with finals.
Intriguing. I like the characters. There are a few misspelled words, but you'll find those as you edit. Suggestion. The child is suffering and racked with pain, yet she finds the strength to stand and kill herself with Death's scythe. I think that her words would be more powerful if she remained calm, even though I like what she said to Death. And because she is so weak, it would be more believable if she remained in bed. I think that she should invite him to kill her once she is finished speaking, as she is the one who has called him there. Maybe Death could regret not being swift to begin with and letting her suffer longer than he had to. I enjoyed the open ending. "There will always be a place for her on this Earth" and "next time, I will be swift". That is a good way to end this.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you for the honest review Connolly. I always treasure other peoples opinions and ideas on a w.. read moreThank you for the honest review Connolly. I always treasure other peoples opinions and ideas on a write I do. You make some very good points and I will consider them when I go over this piece again. Thanks again for the review.
8 Years Ago
You're doing great :) Don't be shy about letting me know about fine tuning any of my stuff either. .. read moreYou're doing great :) Don't be shy about letting me know about fine tuning any of my stuff either. Sometimes I miss very obvious things, and letting me get away with it won't help me become a better writer