Lost dog

    Sometimes I reminisce of my first friend.  The one I failed.  I stumbled across Todd when I was just ten years old.  He was a Lab/Golden Retriever mix.  I never figured out if he was a runaway or just abandoned.  All I did knew is he was alone, and so was I.  I remember seeing him walking that lonely road past my driveway.  He had a limp in his left front leg, his ears were down, hair matted, and his tail hung like all hope was lost.  I saw myself in this creature.

    As I had approached, the stench hit like cold air hits your face in a winter storm.  Someone has surely abused this dog in a bad way."  I thought with hurt in my stomach.  "I wont let the world swallow you.  Today it will go hungry."  It's all I could think to myself as I caressed him into my arms and start up the driveway into the garage.  "How about Todd?  That sounds like a great name." Words uttered from my lips as I felt how cold he was.   God, he festered of odor, but I cared not.  I laid him down next to mom's van and instantly knew what to do.  It was as if an invisible force was puppeteering me through a mission.  It was all new to me.  Could this have been love?  I knew not, I've never been as much as touched in a way by my own parents to have known what it was.  One thing was certain, I had to rush.  Dad would be home soon.

    Mom was busy watching television and talking on the phone with her boyfriend.  Dad knew of this daily occurrence, but to him it was all fair, he did the same.  I slipped into the kitchen to go through the cabinets looking for two bowls.  The fridge was silently opened and from there, stolen the pot roast that was not finished last night.  The bowls were filled with meat and water; I had nourish my friend.  Mom glanced at me from the couch while the phone never left her ear.  I saw her eyes roll.  S**t never cares unless it's another t**d I guess.

   I sloshed water everywhere in my haste.  My shoe lace came untied on the left shoe and tripped me down flat on top of both bowls.  Now most of the water has spilled out and a majority of the meat scattered about like the force of life's cruel joke. I just kicked off the shoe, picked up the bowls, and continue on.  Fate wouldn't deny me of the love I've been seeking. 

  "Look what I have boy!"  I bravely shouted while violently swigging the garage door open. He was on his side, though.  Only his chest moved up and down in shallow fast movements.  He looked like a hit and run victim, and I was to late to pull back the leash.  I had put the bowls next to him and fell to my knees.  "NO!  You can't! " Words torn from me as tears escaped my eyes. 

   The stench didn't bother me anymore as I laid with him.  I had put him in my arms while we congregated on the cement floor.  He was like a cold teddy bear I was trying desperately to bring to life.  "I have not known you long, and I have no idea where you've been or where you're going now, but know that you've been loved."  It's one of the few things to ever come from my mouth,  through the heart.  And regardless, he looked up at me with those big eyes of his, and slipped away.

Author's Note

Don't be afraid to criticize and express your opinion. I want to learn.

Reviews

[Schatzi]

Hello Shy Joe,

Here are a few notes I made as I read:

He was a Lab/Golden [R]etriever mix.

I never figured out if he was a [runaway] or just abandoned.

He had a limp in his left front leg, his ears were down, hair matted, tail hung like all hope [was lost- is in a passive voice].

As I approached the stench[,] hit like cold air hits your face in a winter storm.

"Someone has surely abused this dog in a bad way[,]" I said with hurt in my stomach.

"I [won't] let the world swallow you. [ ]Today it will go hungry."

God[,] he festers of odor[,] but I care not.

I lay him down next to [mom's] van and instantly know what to do.

[It']s all new to me.

I know not, Ive never been as much as touched in a way by my [own-delete because it is unneccessary] parents to know what it is.

[Mom is] busy watching television and talking on the phone with her boyfriend.


Dad knows of this daily occurrence[,] but to him, it's all fair, he does the same.

The fridge [is silently opened- this is in a passive voice] and from there is stolen the pot roast that [was not finished- this is in a passive voice] last night.

The bowls [repetitive word- consider using containers instead] [are filled- this is in a passive voice] with meat and [water, I- water; I or water, and I or water. I] must nourish my friend.

S**t never cares unless [it's] another t**d I guess.

I slouch water everywhere in my haste. My shoe lace is untied, and I'm tripping myself.

I just kick it off and [continue]. "Look what I have boy!"

He is on his side[,] though.

Only his chest moves up and down in a [slight] [fast movements- indefinite article with plural noun, consider changing to slight fast movements or a slight fast movement].

I put the bowls next to him[,] and I fall to my knees.

"I have not known you [long,- long; I or long, and I or long. I] I have no idea where you've been or where [you're] going now[ ] but know that you've [been loved- consider revising because this is in a passive voice]."

Other than a few grammatical errors, it is a touching story.

Thank you for sharing!

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[Shy Joe]

I appreciate you taking the time to help me improve this write. Grammar has always been a problem of mine. I have, as of right now, decided to leave the passive voices alone(I did not even realize such a thing exited.). I have a lot too learn about writing as I have never studied it, nor have I taken any classes on it. I obviously have much too learn. Thanks once again for your helpful review.

[Schatzi]

One can easily get lost in being grammatically correct so don't worry about it too much. It was just something I noticed but most people probably would not because that is actually how we speak. If you are comfortable with the passive voice, then you should keep it as is. Beware, the study of the rules for correct grammar is a slippery slope. There are just as many exceptions to rules as there are rules. :)

[Vria P Crow]

I apologize for the intrusion, but I just wanted to let Schatzi know that I enjoyed his helpful review. It is rare to find a Reviewer who is not afraid to offer constructive criticism on simple mechanics of writing. I will be reading from you soon, Schatzi.

Shy Joe, I will be reading more of you as well for I loved the story.

sincerely,
ria

[Schatzi]

Hello Ria,

Thank you ria. I appreciate your kind words. I will be sure to review one of your works soon.

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[Vria P Crow]

Thank you, Schatzi. I apologize for sending a Read Request because I think most should choose what to read. And you have already indulged in one of my poems. However, I would love your editing skills for a short story I wrote called "picture/house." Grammar is not my strong suit. I see that you are working on a book. I will be sure to read it despite it might take me awhile. So far, I have two book requests that I try to read a chapter a day but sometimes fall behind.

Happy writing!

sincerely,
ria

[Schatzi]

Please feel free to send me read requests. Otherwise I just choose what looks interesting or the first entry I see. I will have a look at it now but as it's late here, I probably won't take notes until tomorrow or over the weekend.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my book.

[Vria P Crow]

hehe I already reviewed the first chapter. I am enjoying it immensely. Honestly, I do the same thing. I try to do at least two writings from each person because some experiment. It gives me a better idea of their writing style.

Take your time with the short story. I appreciate you taking a look at it.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Shy Joe,
You expressed yourself and the feelings of the main character succinctly and I do see the connection between the situation for both dog and boy. This was actually very well done! I hope that you continue to write as this was really good. You may want to do a just a bit of editing which will not be to hard. Tense is maybe a little off and some punctuation. But to be honest the story was so enjoyable it was not the main focus for me. Bless you Kathy

[D Connolly]

One rule that I've heard, and I don't know if it's universal, is that you never, EVER, ever kill the dog in a story. The death of Todd fits here, however, I would have liked to see him live a happy life after being so sad. He didn't even get to eat the pot roast! You know what? Ignore me. I kill characters all the time. Stories don't always have a happy ending, and that's ok.

[matrixmark]

This is a very moving piece. Good yet sa visions at the beggining of a dog lost in the world and a little kid relating to how it felt.

There are a few errors along the way of this very touching and moving story but it did bring a little tear to my eye as the dog died.

Mark.

[Vria P Crow]

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Animal narratives always attract my interest. The writer captures the reader even with the image of a dog; man's best friend.

CONTENT AND FORMAT

The speaker introduces us readers to their childhood; it already foreshadows that this is not going to be a "happy" story. I love the name that he choose for the dog. "Todd" reminds me of the "Fox and the Hound" story which is one of my favorites. It is a fitting name for the "lost dog." Foxes are after all apart of the canine family.

There is so much empathy in this story that it will make anyone's heart ache. The dog represents the protagonist; battered and broken yet there is a gleam of hope in their eyes. Subjectively, the beast and child are the same. When the narrator brings Todd home, there are indications of a "broken" home; a cheating mom and neglectful father. It is sweet that the child offers nourishment but I was hoping he would keep the "lost dog." However, I also admire the realistic perspective instead of a Disney movie.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Overall, I enjoyed this read. It was short yet powerful. Schatzi did a wonderful job with helping with grammatical errors. I prefer digesting the content of a story, but I will bring out my red pen when necessary. Thank you for sharing!

sincerely,
ria

[Lyn Anderson]

This is sad, and brave, and beautiful all at the same time. If you want to tidy it up, I would recommend changing it to all past tense, as it fits better with a true story, and changing slouch to slosh -- perhaps a little more attention to punctuation, but a really moving story.

[Shy Joe]

Thank you for the informative review. Nice catch on the slosh. I am afraid grammar will forever be a weak link of mine.

[Papaya]

That's a very sad story. Sad for the boy's circumstance and losing something that brought joy and hope.

[moonlit_cove]

I really enjoyed reading this. It's always a pleasure to come across a nice pet story, and you've done a good job communicating all of the emotions involved - even in such a brief relationship. Well done!

[Hanin]

You've expressed such deep feelings amazingly. Very well done ^_____^

[Shy Joe]

Thank you.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

This has to be one of the most touching things I have read. For you to say you are a horrible writer is wrong. This is so honest, and expresses so much about loneliness, and connection, and life. There may be a few places that the tense could be revised, but they are too minor to mention as this piece touching the heart and reveals that you are indeed a wonderful writer.

[Shy Joe]

Thank you.