The Foretelling: The Beginning

Alright this is just the beginning, quite literally too. A great betrayal and the birth of the first of the wolves starts a new life for the human race. What is this betrayal? Read on and find out.

     Quietly the tribe runs up the mountain side, racing against time. Slowly the peak comes into view, sighing in relief, the leader signals for his people to slow. Stepping out onto the flat top the Earth tribe comes and stands in their place. The large mountain races into the clouds, the top forever obscured from view unless actually there. The top itself a flat, perfectly round field, runes around the edge and heading in to the center where a smaller circle lies. This is the meeting place, the first place the humans now gathering ever remember. Where the race was born into the world by the Carers. Now standing there the six tribes are about to commit the worst deed imagineable. The Earth leader looks around, he sees to his left Shadow and Light, in front he sees the Air tribe, and to the right are the Fire and Water. Each is with its opposite as the circle needed to be balanced to work. Split into three sections by temporary runes placed there by the Air leader earlier that day. Already in the inner circle are the objects each tribes was to collect, dust from Light, ash from Fire, fish scales from Water, feathers from Air, various bones from Shadow, and leaves of different kinds, shapes, and colors from Earth.  Risking a glance, the Earth leader sees that Shadow still stands with him in this matter. Niether want this, neither wish to anger their beloved Carers, but neither could defend themselves against four other angered tribes. Soon, soon the two loyal tribes would be free of this oppression, this life of fear of the others. Five people start to move near the inner circle, slowly Earth follows. Standing only a foot away the 3 females and 3 males start up an ancient chant, using a language forbidden to them. Almost instantly, each element appeared before the respective leader. Carefully moving them, the leaders hold their breaths as the elements reach the runes around the inner circle. Suddenly a bright light appears, nearly blinding all those around. Quickly and happily Shadow and Earth release their orbs. The elements quickly dissipating. As the light receeds, two new figures appear. Two Carers stand in the midst of humans, deep emerald green wings and golden eyes titling one to be the Earth Carer and the obsidian black wings and blood red eyes signifying the arrival of the Shadow Carer. They both stare intensely at all those around them. These mere humans had tried to defy the laws of the six Carers. Looking toward each other, they knew why the had felt the fear of their respective tribes. Earth and Shadow were still loyal, they would not escape full punishment, but they would recieve a gift from them. A loud, booming, and yet somehow quiet voice reaches all the peoples' ears.

 

"Do any of you realize what you have done! You have betrayed the trust of your Carers. Already the others have left. We are here to tell you your punishment, and for two a gift will also come."

 

Another voice, melodic yet sinister, speaks.

 

"Do you know what you were about to create, a monster, that's what! Human greed and nature taint the power needed to create life, you could not make a living creature that would do good. Let me show you what it is you nearly accomplished."

 

With that said, each Carer waves a hand over the pile of objects. Slowly, it rises above the ground. Spinning together, piecing parts here and there, a shape begins to form. As it sets on the ground again, the creature growls and foams at the mouth. It stands hunch-backed on four legs, mouth horribly deformed, teeth protruding at odd angles, a skeletal body with something akin to skin and fur on it in patches. This monster was almost created, but luckily the tribes stupidity had been stopped. The first voice returns.

 

"Sees this creature? It knows it should not be and therefore hates its existance and the ones who brought it to the world."

 

The other voice takes over.

 

"Now let us show you the power that is needed to create a wonderful beast. One loyal, one who knows the unspoken rules of the world."

 

With another wave from both Carers, the beast lifted off the ground with an indignant grunt, the wind picked up and swirled around the thing. As the wind left and the new beast was set on the ground a beautiful animal stood proud before its audience. A lean form with beautiful black and silver fur and cobalt eyes that gleamed now stood where the monster was. Seeming to know the rightful creator the creature walked over to the Carers and leaned against the Shadow Carer.

 

"This creature is sly, cunning, yet fiercly loyal and protective. As the Carers leave our place will be taken by this wolf and her descendents. She will be a link to us, as will her children."

 

"Now we leave you all to struggle with the new land that will not work as you so wish. You will labor under weathers that are no longer determined by you. The ancient language will be wiped from your knowledge, only to be found when the time is right. Luckily there are still two tribes that will be privlegded. Although you will not be able to speak directly with us or come up this mountain the wolves will be your guide. Only those they deem worthy will be able to see and hear and speak with them. Only when the time is right will this curse lift from you. Earth and Shadow will be allowed to let this first one into their lands, will be able to care for it and be protected. Now we will go, you all will have many hardships to face."

 

"This wolf will show characteristics of one of the tribes. She will be that tribe's protector. Her pups will also show characteristics of a tribe. And each will watch over their respective element. They will always see you and you will most likely not be allowed to see them. Now I fare thee well."

 

With another flash the Carers are gone. The memory of each tribe member except that of the leaders is wiped and they are transported by respective elements back to their lands. The wolf deciding to follow one of the tribes her master deemed safe leaves also. Soon the mountain top is all but forgotten and won't see another living human for many, many years. 

And so the First One is born. The world is changed. And fate takes the lives of many into its hands and molds it slowly, carefully, until a new age is born. The destiny of the lands is set and now only time will reveal what is in store for the tribes and soon to be clans.

Author's Note

Alright this is just the beginning. Wait for the next chapter to wait and see where the wolf will lead the tribes.

Reviews

[Katie]

Me again!
OK, I can see several small flaws in your punctuation. I'm not going to do a whole rewrite this time, but I'll highlight errors as I come across them. J And I'll comment on the overall story at the end.

"Stepping out onto the flat top, the Earth tribe comes" � inserted comma.
"the top forever clouded from view unless actually there" � do you mean, unless YOU are actually there/ it sounds awkward, even if you insert the pronoun. Try explaining yourself a bit more � the reader will appreciate a full understanding in return for a few seconds more reading!
In the next sentence, you start with "the top itself a" � either put a verb in, or merge this with the previous sentence. The repetition sounds silly otherwise. And the "runes" � I can't tell if you mean runes, or the verb runs? If you mean runes, add an adjective � carved, ancient? � to avoid confusion.
"Where the race was" should not be a stand-alone sentence.
Tenses � try to ensure you use the same tense throughout. Most of this appears to be present, but occasionally you slip into the past, and it ruins the flow. (I noticed this reading about the elements being opposites, which is a pretty cool idea)
More clauses pretending to be sentences. Just make sure that every sentence you write makes sense on it's own. Things you would say alone do not always look good on paper. Make sure each sentence is complete.
"Standing only a foot away" � from each other?
And eek, use of numbers? Write out the numbers. One. Two. Three etc. not 1 2 3.
The description of the carers is quite good, the appearance and voices, you have tried to give an idea of the good and bad qualities they have. Just go into more detail. And try to pad the dialogue out a bit. It is quite matter of fact at the moment, but not necessarily in a good way.
OK, not too much to dissect in the last bit. I think you could revise the Carer's speech � it's more there to educate the reader than to inform the tribes. Would they really say "this wolf will show the characteristics of one of the tribes�" I don't think they would. You can work this information in using other methods. Tell it through narrative, have one of the humans, perhaps earth or shadow tribes, dare to ask, "what do we do with the wolf?"

OK, I know that's a hell of a lot to take in, and it looks like I am saying you are rubbish, but I actually think this shows a lot of promise, and you've made a very good start already. I love the storyline, I think it's quite an original idea, and I can't wait to see where you take this. You just need a little bit of editing before it is truly amazing. :D I'd be willing to give you a rewrite of this chapter, preserving your own words, but tweaking bits so that it flows better. Let me know.

[Nick]

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. I don't have much to say and I apologize for that, however I'm not the greatest writer. I may have just started writing, but even with my lack of experience it sounds good.

[patricia]

love the way you've used the elements to name the tribes...gppd beginning looks like an interesting story, the sentences need a bit of polishing up here and there but I'm sure you'll deal with those in your subsequent draughts...this is my kind of topic so I look forward to following your progress right through to the end. Thankyou

[Ethan Mariner]

You have a lot of potential in this plot. I like the detail. You might want to slow down the pace a little, though; it seems like too much too fast--like watching a movie that is sped up to much. Other than that, and a few grammatical things--good work! Keep it up. :)

[J. Marc]

OK. Now things look a lot less mysterious, that is, the story is unfolding. So the poem in the beginning is quite relevant. The creative content in this chapter is good. One cannot always invent a completely new world with such ease. So, continue the work and build on the reviews because they can help you a lot, as they did with other writers before. Thanks again!

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the story so far. I like the set-up in your first chapter. The description allow the reader to understand the movement of the story. Very good so far.
Coyote