The Foretelling: The Prophecy

Okay this is just a prologue, it contains the actual prophecy which will be made later on in the story and will be very important in later series/chapters....

The Prophecy

 

The six elements of life,

The six clans in strife,

One fobidden child,

The clans reconciled.

 

Twin stars shall be the curse,

Twin moons will be the reverse,

Both are born,

One of the hawthorne,

'Round its head, fire will adorn,

The other of the serpent's toungue,

'Round its eyes, water will be among.

 

Three shall bring the air of freedom,

With them new wisdom will come,

To the mountains they will rise,

Now hear the cries,

Of the beasts that guard,

The sun's fiery courtyard.

 

The field of light,

Once reached will unite,

The six of the earth,

Once more showing their worth.

Author's Note

Please ignore my aweful poem writing, I hope you all will keep on reading my story (I promise I write stories better than poems...usually...depends if I am trying to write with a writer's block XD)...

Reviews

[Katie]

If you'll allow me to suggest a couple of changes to your "awful poem writing" - which, by the way, i didn't think was too bad, I'll rewrite it for you here:

The six elements of life,
The six clans in strife,
One fobidden child,
The clans reconciled. ---->I really like this bit :)

Twin stars shall be the curse,
Twin moons the reverse, --------->fewer words, easier on the ears and the tongue :)
One born of the hawthorne, --------> again, shorter and snappier
'Round whose head, fire will adorn, ---->if this is a person, whose is more personal than its.
The other of the serpent's toungue,
'Round its eyes, water will be among. ----->not sure what you're trying to predict here. maybe 'round whose eyes, water will run?

Three shall bring the air of freedom,
With them gentle gusts of wisdom, -----> air, wind, geddit?
To the mountains they shall rise, ---> i prefer shall. it is a nace word, no? ;)
And hear foretold, ill-fated cries, ----> longer, better meter
Of the fearsome beasts who guard, ---> scary
The ___ sun's fiery courtyard. ---> if you can think of a one-syllable adjective to go before sun, it will improve the meter again. :)

The vast field of light,
Once reached shall unite, --->another word for reached? maybe even just seen? found?
The six of the earth
and prove their worth ----> more final, short and snappy. :)


Just a few ideas, because i can't help rewriting things in my head.
And I think i shall carry on reading, and reviewing - I probably won't suggest a whole rewrite for the rest of it, don't worry!
But yeah, this sounds like it could be pretty interesting. :)

[Cora Lennox]

I was actually going to complement the poem writing... whenever I try to write mystic sounding chants or prophecies for my fantasy pieces they always turn out a lot worse than this. XD It's a great lead too; I'm definitely going to try and follow this story.

[Katie]

I like it! It has a mystery to it and the title completely drew me in! I can't wait to read what you have next! :)

[J. Marc]

It is not awful at all, just that it is displayed like a riddle to the reader and many do not like to be entangled in the mental process. I think Katie did give many clues for improving it, to make it more fluent, although that is not always necessary if you want to keep your poem “mysterious”. One additional comment I may make is that throughout the poem, one must carve out the famous six elements, maybe make them a little bit obvious to spot? Thank you for sharing your world with us!

[Eldee]

Definitely an attention grabbing Prophecy. It has a certain ring of Lord of the Rings to it, probably because of your use of reference by number. Just wanted to point out that you spelled tongue wrong I think... I'm interested to see where it goes from here!

[Calypso]

Love it! Love it! Love it! The originally of it drives me crazy. The name drew me in, and it didn't disappoint.