The Foretelling: The Prophecy

Okay this is just a prologue, it contains the actual prophecy which will be made later on in the story and will be very important in later series/chapters....

The Prophecy

 

The six elements of life,

The six clans in strife,

One fobidden child,

The clans reconciled.

 

Twin stars shall be the curse,

Twin moons will be the reverse,

Both are born,

One of the hawthorne,

'Round its head, fire will adorn,

The other of the serpent's toungue,

'Round its eyes, water will be among.

 

Three shall bring the air of freedom,

With them new wisdom will come,

To the mountains they will rise,

Now hear the cries,

Of the beasts that guard,

The sun's fiery courtyard.

 

The field of light,

Once reached will unite,

The six of the earth,

Once more showing their worth.

Author's Note

Please ignore my aweful poem writing, I hope you all will keep on reading my story (I promise I write stories better than poems...usually...depends if I am trying to write with a writer's block XD)...

Reviews

[Katie]

If you'll allow me to suggest a couple of changes to your "awful poem writing" - which, by the way, i didn't think was too bad, I'll rewrite it for you here:

The six elements of life,
The six clans in strife,
One fobidden child,
The clans reconciled. ---->I really like this bit :)

Twin stars shall be the curse,
Twin moons the reverse, --------->fewer words, easier on the ears and the tongue :)
One born of the hawthorne, --------> again, shorter and snappier
'Round whose head, fire will adorn, ---->if this is a person, whose is more personal than its.
The other of the serpent's toungue,
'Round its eyes, water will be among. ----->not sure what you're trying to predict here. maybe 'round whose eyes, water will run?

Three shall bring the air of freedom,
With them gentle gusts of wisdom, -----> air, wind, geddit?
To the mountains they shall rise, ---> i prefer shall. it is a nace word, no? ;)
And hear foretold, ill-fated cries, ----> longer, better meter
Of the fearsome beasts who guard, ---> scary
The ___ sun's fiery courtyard. ---> if you can think of a one-syllable adjective to go before sun, it will improve the meter again. :)

The vast field of light,
Once reached shall unite, --->another word for reached? maybe even just seen? found?
The six of the earth
and prove their worth ----> more final, short and snappy. :)


Just a few ideas, because i can't help rewriting things in my head.
And I think i shall carry on reading, and reviewing - I probably won't suggest a whole rewrite for the rest of it, don't worry!
But yeah, this sounds like it could be pretty interesting. :)

[Starcaller]

I didn't think it was bad XD I think it was pretty awesome!

[Ian John Patron]

Like the poetic prophecy. my only criticism(and it is constructive) is the word "forbidden" is misspelled.

"One forbidden child"

however I give you a 99 for good poetry.

[etxcp]

I like it!!!!!! You did really good!!!!! Inspirational!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I applaud you!!!!!!!! :)

[QuestionableContent]

The strongest thing I can say is that I have no real criticism, it's solid enough as a stand-alone piece, and acceptable when looking at published work.

Nonetheless, there's nothing that really makes it truly impressive. No shivers, no sharp intakes of breath bracing for subsequent engaging prose. Consider dropping the poem for the prose itself, and rely on the writing itself.

[Ms_Sassypants]

This is beautiful. I love it!

[Tabitha Third]

Quick review - I like the poem. It's sure as all hell better than I could do. On to the rest of the story! :D

[Vivian]

I liked your poem, but completely understand if you aren't the best. Story writers aren't always the best poets, and vice versa. And then you get those lucky people who are good at both!

[TheElfPrincess]

Wow, this sounds really interesting. The flow of the poem is nice and I really am interested in the idea

[Grant P.]

I don't think the poem is that bad, just reading this makes me want to continue reading the rest of this. You caught me at the first lines of the poem. This has many similarities to my outline to my story. I do like the idea of a Prophecy, kind of reminds me of the story "The Sword of Truth". Can't wait to keep reading.

[patricia]

Great way to begin your story, it has caught my interest right away. Thankyou...I will follow your work through all its chapters.