Dancing with myself

Every deep breath in and out
Holding a joint between my fingers and a full cup in the other
Nothing feels like this moment
When all i need is my best friends
Dancing in socks in the basement that we built on old rocks and cement.
Raising my cup above what I imagine to be sea level
Underneath the purple lights
I imagine my whole body is glistening
Brighter than the sun does in the summer
Scorching everything in sight.
Beaming off the windows and everything else reflective.
And I’m so high I could hug the moon.
But The music muffles in my brain
And brings me back down to earth.
Everything is literally in slow motion
I feel like I’m not even breathing real oxygen
Pure adrenaline and happiness
I’m sweating glitter and sipping on the stars
Thinking in backwards metaphors
As much as I wanted to I probably couldn’t even hold a pencil.
I feel like I could float away.
I have hit the ceiling of the universe
As far as I can go,
Even though I am technically in one of the lowest places in the house.
It feels like the highest High I’ve ever had.
Not sure whether it’s the alcohol or not
But that’s when I realized what happiness feels like
And it feels so damn good
I could almost cry
I’ve released every emotion i had left in my body
This couldn’t even be real that’s how good it felt to be me
I’ve never wanted to be me
Except for once second
This one.
because I was too busy dancing so I was hardly mad about the whiskey on my new sweater
Or that my hair was a mess
Mouthing the words to a song i haven’t listened to since i was 13
But everyone knows the words
The whole world feels like it’s neon
So bright and meaningful
It’s like seeing the city lights for the first time
It’s so fast that you almost don’t catch it
But I felt myself snapshot it.
This is what standing through the sunroof feels like
Or the first cannonball into a pool In the summer.
The first firework in the Fourth of July
And the first time i ever fell in love.
Or what I believe to be love.
I let the world see me as I am
Like I used to
Before all this pain from life.
For a split second I allow myself to remember all the wrongs I’ve endured in this life
And I didn’t even feel sad
I just felt like nothing else could matter as much as this
I have something now that makes sense
And nothing has ever made sense
And nothing else matters except for me
I throw those things over my shoulder and start singing again
Because I’m not angry anymore
I’m not sure if that’s really how I feel
But
This moment is mind numbing
I loved being drunk but I loved this more
Everything I thought I remember I released in this moment
And came to terms with the fact that life isn’t perfect but I have some perfect moments
This right here is where I’m supposed to be
I’m glad I have these people surrounding me in this dark basement
My head whips around to this song and I take a long deep inhale of my joint
And I smile
For real this time
I wonder if anyone else here feels this.
I wasn’t even thinking about flashbacks to football games or my shameful baby names or my bipolar rivers
I didn’t think about blue kitchen coffee
I wasn’t worried about being eccentric to anyone else besides myself
Just about being myself
Im amazing
And I’ve never felt it more than this
Nothing is promised in this life
And I know that
But I didn’t even consider the end, Though i knew it would come eventually.
If this was the end, that would be okay.
I’m happy enough in this moment that I could die.
I wouldn’t even feel it.