Devin

He's must be a schizophrenic ... But I love him so much xx

Just a variety of things in general. How much of a dick i can be at times but yet not others, and how i seem to feel less and less like laughing and more towards irritable sadness at absolutely nothing. There's also the debate about what 'absolutely nothing', because i have to decide what exactly is 'nothing', considering part of my moods have been stress or sadness. But what is stress? What is there to be 'stressed' about? Am i overdramatic? Is this acceptable to not like certain conditions in my life? Is it not ok to worry? Or moreso, to complain? Why do i do this? Then, why am i like this? Is it acceptable? Should i be like this? Then the ever changing answer of 'who am i?' that has no definate answer because I'm always changing. Because i change to fit other people's needs. Whether it's to avoid offenses or just to avoid an argument i won't be able to respond to right because I'll probably be too afraid of voicing any actual thoughts of my own due to my irrational fear of getting shot down.And then there's the simple fact that i know talking won't help any, because nobody can give me a definite answer on who i am because nobody has seen all sides of me.But thats the thing. Just because everyone is 'stressed' doesn't mean i have the right to be. My parents stress. My older sister is stressed, she's got responsibilties i probably can only barely (if at all) relate to because she's the oldest, and a lot of things fall on her. There's also the fact that she copes better than i do. So do my parents, seemingly. Why am i so stressed? What valid reason can be given that won't be shot down with a counterargument as to why I'm rediculous?
There's the other discussion about how i don't understand myself. I'm not angry. It isn't really being upset, either. I'm just not happy. I go home just about everyday tired of laughing. I go into the phase I'm in now, questioning everything and answering nothing. I get that way in school a lot too. It isn't a feeling of 'sadness', where you just want it to go away. I don't know what i want. I want to cry, although i know i can't because i know i wouldn't be able to manage it, which only makes me feel worse. I don't even know if i want to laugh anymore. That's exactly who i am to people, though. The joker, basically. There are a lot of times where I want nothing to do with it, but feel almost pressured to continue the 'act' of joking because people's vague concern only tells them to cheer me up, and the only way they know how is by trying to make me laugh although i dont want to. There's also you, who probably doesn't fully care/understand me because it's unexpected and sudden, so if you don't want to hear any of this you don't have to.