A Tide or A Pool

This poem challenges the idiocy of the mean bullies and their blind followers, who unite, in vain, to show that they are cool.

A Tide or A Pool

The photo album speaks a story,

A life full of esteem and glory.

Put in chronological order

Might have been a psychological disorder.

 

A frail pale body

You could picture it in your head.

Tall maybe his height

But his hands were red.

 

From being his parent’s imperfect boy

To being his class’s imperfect student,

Didn’t make much difference to him

Except for messing of the ingredient.

 

He adsorbed pride

But insecurity found vestibule.

From outside he was a tide

Within he was a dirty pool.

 

Succeeded in making followers,

Who praised and supported when he fell weak

Would pick on every other innocent

Had the idea that this would hide his streak.

 

Dying, crying, fighting and lying,

The tails tried their best to suffice

But when the reality dawned on the retinue

They had already stepped on the precipice!

 

Fell with their master and burst on the floor

Traits evaporated from within the core.

Followers produced devotion

Master was all about commotion.

 

Author's Note

-Is the idea behind the poem clear?
-Are the metaphors easy to decode, or interesting or completely out-of-place?
-How is my experiment with the rhyming scheme?
-Is the poem effective, overall?
-Any other point you might want to mention.

Thank you for reading. :)

Reviews

[Muse]

Well like Pax said I thought I understood you, but then I see the pics in the end and it had me going huh? With that to the side...I did have a favorite part:

He adsorbed pride
But insecurity found vestibule.
From outside he was a tide
Within he was a dirty pool.

The ryhme..the syllable count was very fluid, I almost wished the rest of your poem followed pursuit of this.


It made me think of a person that was bullied so badly as a child..he/she grew up with a huge complex. This complex made them somewhat of a bully themselves...life becomes a charade in trying to hide his/her insecurites.

[Shivam Murari]

This indeed is what happens to most of the bullies. Like Taylor Swift sang in her song mean (photo attached) "I bet you got pushed around, somebody made you fall, but the cycle ends right now." So all the bullies are basically insecure and bullied people themselves. And as you pointed out, that stanza,I intended to be the highlighting point in the poem! And at the same time, I wanted to convey the message that NOTHING JUSTIFIES BULLYING! Even if you have been ruthlessly bullied, you can't bully anyone else, in fact one must share sympathy! :-)
Thanks for coming around and reading, fine lady :)

[Muse]

So my interpretation was right on the mark. :)

[Shivam Murari]

Yes indeed :) And I am glad I was successful in making you go "huh?" That was one of my intentions too! :P

[B-poet]

Cleverly and well written. Very entertaining as well. Love the pictures. Keep penning on. Creativity has been seen as one of your best friends when it comes to writes like these. Great work. :)

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a million Bpoet :)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I like the idea behind this, it is very relevant in today's society. There are so many people who are wonderfully unique and amazing that get squashed and muted just because they are different. The different should be celebrated, not separated.

I think you executed your metaphorical touch quite well, I didn't see a lot out of place with this one. The flow was nice, and the idea was pretty clear upon a good, solid read. I feel that this is about bullying and the effects that has on society as a whole as well as individuals...so, hopefully this is what you were going for.

[Shivam Murari]

You just read my mind exactly. That exactly, if what I intended to share. Thanks for reading and reviewing Sarah :)

[Spoon]

Stanzas 1,2,4,5 and 7 seemed to make your point perfectly clear to me, although the others broke it up a bit. I found that rhyming 'student' and 'ingredient' didn't really come off in the end and drags that stanza down a bit. But that's just my opinion.
Ultimately, the third and sixth stanza caused some problems for coherency to me, and although I love the way tackled this topic that lack of coherency does affect the overall effectiveness of the poem.

I hope there is something in my review that you find helpful, as that is my intention!

[Shivam Murari]

You review is, indeed, quite helpful, Spoon! I understand how, the twisting point (3rd stanza) dragged the poem's effectiveness down. The student ingredient meter was disturbing me, honestly, but I was a little messed up and I thought since this is the twisting point and the reader will get confused (as I intended to), I can take that liberty. :) Thanks a lot of reviewing :)

[Sami Khalil]

- I get the point of the poem from the psychological disorder but I had to read your prompt to get the idea about bullying.
-Metaphors were easy to decode when you find out the poem is about bullying.
-I like the rhymimg scheme.
-Effective in raising the awareness about this social issue of our day.
Overall I like it a lot. Title is good too...:)

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot dear Sami! :)

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure ..Any time...:)

[Shivam Murari]

:)

[Sami Khalil]

^^~^^ :)

[Vikrantsingh]

I read this twice, Lol just kidding not for reviewing it just loved the theme and was trying to correlated the substances in it.
Firm and good order mate. Loved the way it flows,
Simply wonderful. I think you're fan of Taylor Swift :P

Cheers!
Vikrantsingh Parmar

[Shivam Murari]

Well yes I AM a Taylor Swift fan, but this poem is not a romantic poem (like most of her songs :P ) and neither is this poem inspired from her song mean, rather a complex personal experience of mine (that's why I wrote a complex and twisting poem :) )

[Dayran]

The poem carries a trail of spectatorship about an issue and finally concludes unconvincingly that one's insecurity may be the summum bonnum of life. Really?

[Shivam Murari]

Hi Daryan. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
And yes, actually bullies are, in reality, deeply insecure and full of commotion. That's what forces them to bully the weak and find their peace of mind.

[Dayran]

Hi Shivam, its a rare gift to intuit into the nature of a person or an event at a young age. But to carry a point way beyond its physical accuracy of our experiences and represent it in the symbolic natures takes experience and knowledge. Adding milk to curry brings a balance in the taste of food. Read Camus, it might help.

[Shivam Murari]

Definitely :)

[Pax]

Yup a photo tells many stories ~ and about your question in the authors note:
-Is the idea behind the poem clear?
~ seems vague to me, or it's just me. Maybe because at first i thought you were referring to bullied teenager but as the poem progress it takes a twist, I like it ~
~ i think the over all poem is quite effective specially with the help of the photos...

All in all i could say you delivered the poem's intent very well...

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot Pax. Actually i intended to make the reader take a rebound as my poem takes a twist. You know, this was for two reasons. First, bullying is something that seems fun at the beginning but it takes twist and drives the person into deep hell of darkness. Secondly, I was just trying a new scheme of writing!
Thanks for reading and reviewing :)

[Pax]

your most welcome ~ sorry i can't comment on the rhyme scheme for i don't have much knowledge about the matter ~ i think every bully has his own story, own dark battles within...

[Shivam Murari]

Thats fine! And I agree with what you said about the bullies. But, I for one (having face bullying myself at a major point of my life) think that nothing justifies bullying :)

[Pax]

i understand you pretty well ~ for i myself had gone through it, i just learned to understand them - though sometimes its really hard

[Shivam Murari]

Indeed it is! But if you see them as insecure and low self esteem people, you can definitely sympathize :P

[icelandicblue]

I understood the bullying and pride goeth before a fall but I have to admit the piece felt like it was written in pieces and was not cohesive. The metaphors felt pretty cryptic. I am not sure how you got from A to B. Perhaps you could respond with what you were trying to say and I may be able to give you more helpful feedback.

[Shivam Murari]

About the rhyming scheme, if you would notice the scheme is same for the first and last stanza denoting that both the stanzas are from the present time. The 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 6th stanza have the same rhyming scheme of flashback, while the 4th stanza has a completely different rhyming scheme being the heart of the poem :)
The poem appears to be in pieces, for it progresses through the pieces and also denotes that the poet was in a completely broken state of mind while writing. :)

Thank you for reading. I hope I was clear. :)

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

"gift ultra rare "was faaaaaaar great than this one n. This one is good but i liked your previous poem !

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks for reading and reviewing, Divyanshu :)

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

can u please write A poem on this topic s
*I wish i were a fan
*If i were a ceiling fan
* 100 years later when i visit this earth again
*my desire

for my english assignment please ......

[Shivam Murari]

What?

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

write a poem!

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

please
please
please

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

what are you doing right now ?

[Shivam Murari]

frolicking