A Tide or A Pool

This poem challenges the idiocy of the mean bullies and their blind followers, who unite, in vain, to show that they are cool.

A Tide or A Pool

The photo album speaks a story,

A life full of esteem and glory.

Put in chronological order

Might have been a psychological disorder.

 

A frail pale body

You could picture it in your head.

Tall maybe his height

But his hands were red.

 

From being his parent’s imperfect boy

To being his class’s imperfect student,

Didn’t make much difference to him

Except for messing of the ingredient.

 

He adsorbed pride

But insecurity found vestibule.

From outside he was a tide

Within he was a dirty pool.

 

Succeeded in making followers,

Who praised and supported when he fell weak

Would pick on every other innocent

Had the idea that this would hide his streak.

 

Dying, crying, fighting and lying,

The tails tried their best to suffice

But when the reality dawned on the retinue

They had already stepped on the precipice!

 

Fell with their master and burst on the floor

Traits evaporated from within the core.

Followers produced devotion

Master was all about commotion.

 

Author's Note

-Is the idea behind the poem clear?
-Are the metaphors easy to decode, or interesting or completely out-of-place?
-How is my experiment with the rhyming scheme?
-Is the poem effective, overall?
-Any other point you might want to mention.

Thank you for reading. :)

Reviews

[Muse]

Well like Pax said I thought I understood you, but then I see the pics in the end and it had me going huh? With that to the side...I did have a favorite part:

He adsorbed pride
But insecurity found vestibule.
From outside he was a tide
Within he was a dirty pool.

The ryhme..the syllable count was very fluid, I almost wished the rest of your poem followed pursuit of this.


It made me think of a person that was bullied so badly as a child..he/she grew up with a huge complex. This complex made them somewhat of a bully themselves...life becomes a charade in trying to hide his/her insecurites.

[Shivam Murari]

This indeed is what happens to most of the bullies. Like Taylor Swift sang in her song mean (photo attached) "I bet you got pushed around, somebody made you fall, but the cycle ends right now." So all the bullies are basically insecure and bullied people themselves. And as you pointed out, that stanza,I intended to be the highlighting point in the poem! And at the same time, I wanted to convey the message that NOTHING JUSTIFIES BULLYING! Even if you have been ruthlessly bullied, you can't bully anyone else, in fact one must share sympathy! :-)
Thanks for coming around and reading, fine lady :)

[Muse]

So my interpretation was right on the mark. :)

[Shivam Murari]

Yes indeed :) And I am glad I was successful in making you go "huh?" That was one of my intentions too! :P

[smilempsn]

well that's a Unique topic to write on.. And you have done full justice to it..
I loved the way you explained the person in para 2...
And I loved the way you used words.....

[Shivam Murari]

Thank you so much Smile. I am glad you liked the poem :)

[smilempsn]

^-^

[Stella Armour]

i think the bullying stemmed from weaknesses within which is often the case...

[Shivam Murari]

I totally agree Stella :)

[Poussiere D'Ange]

I loved the concept behind this poem. It is sometime that happens with a lot of people. I could understand the metaphors clearly and i felt that it provided a beautiful image of the whole scene. The title is fanatastic and overall its a great piece:-):-):-D.

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing Poussiere :)

[Quirkyac]

Nice read Shivam. You have the poet's talent :)

[Shivam Murari]

You make me blush Quirky! :) Thanks :)

[carol burgess romance]

Very interesting work...when read aloud it reads like a rap ryhthm....I found it easy to understand up to a point...the line..the tails tried their best to suffice...did you mean to write the word tale or tail? Even without the pictures the poem can stand alone

[Shivam Murari]

Hiya Carol! Thanks for coming around.
No, no. Actually its meant to be TAIL, in the sense of retinue of followers. Bullys normally have followers around them, who are senseless people, who once tried to be 'cool' and ended up becoming servants to an insecure hollow master and hence, losing their identity. :)
Thanks again! :)

[carol burgess romance]

Thanks for explaining now when I read I can understand the entire poem...good work

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks dear! :-)

[SHEEMA HUQ]

I think that you tell this twisted and complex story very well :)

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot dear poetess. :)

[Venicia]

Very interesting structure. I like how the pictures aren't just there to look pretty but to emphasize the content.
-Is the idea behind the poem clear?

If the message is that when being bulied it's all to easy to turn around and become the bully yourself then the idea seems pretty clear to me.

-Are the metaphors easy to decode, or interesting or completely out-of-place?

Not really sure, but I'd say yes, because I didn't have to pause to try and figure out what you were trying to say

-How is my experiment with the rhyming scheme?
It has a nice flow to me

-Is the poem effective, overall?

Definitely yes, though I'm not sure whether to pity or hate the person.

-Any other point you might want to mention.

All in all I really like this poem and I love to read more like it.

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot for reading and the detailed review, dear friend. :)

[Rogue]

This certainly had a message and I think you did a good job getting it across.
Metaphors are something I understand very well. :)
I found your flow of rhyme moved nicely
It is effective. Not words you can just skim over. One has to stop and actually take the time to read it. Which is a good thing.

Overall, a good piece of work. :)

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot Rogue! I am glad you liked the piece! :)

[lones]

Though your Gifts Ultra Rare was better than this one, A Tide or A Pool also stands out brightly. Nicely written, brilliant rhyming scheme, good choice of the topic, complexly written with extreme finesse, this one makes a brilliant read! :)

[Shivam Murari]

Thankyou for reading and critically appreciating, lones :)

[KAin]

I certainly enjoyed this. There's an excellent flow to it, something that makes it very easy to read - always a good thing.
Unless I've missed something, I see your first and last stanzas use rhyming couplets, while the rest of it only rhymes every second line? Sorry, I'm not sure there's any specific terminology for that.
It's certainly an interesting experiment, and doesn't seem to limit you in any way when it comes to making a point, so well done there! I think I must have seen something like that done somewhere before...
*shrug* either way it's certainly effective.
Nice work!

[Shivam Murari]

Yes, I was anxious about it. I wanted to convey that stanzas with similar rhyming scheme have similar tones and I wanted to do it without disrupting the theme and flow. I am glad you liked the experiment. Thanks for reading and reviewing, dear friend :)