A Tide or A Pool

This poem challenges the idiocy of the mean bullies and their blind followers, who unite, in vain, to show that they are cool.

A Tide or A Pool

The photo album speaks a story,

A life full of esteem and glory.

Put in chronological order

Might have been a psychological disorder.

 

A frail pale body

You could picture it in your head.

Tall maybe his height

But his hands were red.

 

From being his parent’s imperfect boy

To being his class’s imperfect student,

Didn’t make much difference to him

Except for messing of the ingredient.

 

He adsorbed pride

But insecurity found vestibule.

From outside he was a tide

Within he was a dirty pool.

 

Succeeded in making followers,

Who praised and supported when he fell weak

Would pick on every other innocent

Had the idea that this would hide his streak.

 

Dying, crying, fighting and lying,

The tails tried their best to suffice

But when the reality dawned on the retinue

They had already stepped on the precipice!

 

Fell with their master and burst on the floor

Traits evaporated from within the core.

Followers produced devotion

Master was all about commotion.

 

Author's Note

-Is the idea behind the poem clear?
-Are the metaphors easy to decode, or interesting or completely out-of-place?
-How is my experiment with the rhyming scheme?
-Is the poem effective, overall?
-Any other point you might want to mention.

Thank you for reading. :)

Reviews

[Muse]

Well like Pax said I thought I understood you, but then I see the pics in the end and it had me going huh? With that to the side...I did have a favorite part:

He adsorbed pride
But insecurity found vestibule.
From outside he was a tide
Within he was a dirty pool.

The ryhme..the syllable count was very fluid, I almost wished the rest of your poem followed pursuit of this.


It made me think of a person that was bullied so badly as a child..he/she grew up with a huge complex. This complex made them somewhat of a bully themselves...life becomes a charade in trying to hide his/her insecurites.

[Shivam Murari]

This indeed is what happens to most of the bullies. Like Taylor Swift sang in her song mean (photo attached) "I bet you got pushed around, somebody made you fall, but the cycle ends right now." So all the bullies are basically insecure and bullied people themselves. And as you pointed out, that stanza,I intended to be the highlighting point in the poem! And at the same time, I wanted to convey the message that NOTHING JUSTIFIES BULLYING! Even if you have been ruthlessly bullied, you can't bully anyone else, in fact one must share sympathy! :-)
Thanks for coming around and reading, fine lady :)

[Muse]

So my interpretation was right on the mark. :)

[Shivam Murari]

Yes indeed :) And I am glad I was successful in making you go "huh?" That was one of my intentions too! :P

[Aethereal]

I understood the gist of your poem, but if I were writing it, I'd use simpler language, and rhyme it so it sings. I did a rewrite of your first verse to show you what I mean. You may have this verse to keep as your own: It has meter and rhyme using 7-6-7-6 syllables that match: I could rewrite your entire poem like this, but that's your inspiration, not mine.


Photographs would tell it all
placed in temporal order,
a triumphant rise then fall,
a mind in disorder.

[Shivam Murari]

Hi Ae. I liked that you stopped by, read, reviewed and eve took time to edit. I had, in the beginning, considered going simple and easy, but then I thought, wouldn't it be a copy of MEAN (by Taylor Swift), in that case. Besides, I wanted to depict the complexity of mood through all such jumps and erratic changes in meter.
Thanks for all the help :-)

[Aethereal]

All you do when you add complexity and jumps is force the reader to decode what you've written. Then your poem becomes an intelligence test. I don't mind decoding poems, but I'm a rare bird. You must be writing mystery novels.

[Shivam Murari]

Actually, you are right. I write novels in mystery, suspense thrillers, whodunnit genres :P I began writing poems only last month, so, you see? :P

[Aethereal]

Then your intention is to turn poems into puzzles. What you could do is place mystery encryption poems within the stream of your mystery novels. Perhaps one of the characters in a novel may give clues to his crime through poetry left at each crime scene. The criminal's poetry would then lead to his undoing in the hands of a very intelligent detective.

[Shivam Murari]

Well, I would definitely take this advice when i would be writing a detective novel. However, I can still put this idea in my current novel. Right! Thanks :)

[Aethereal]

You sure can. Good luck with your current novel.

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks for all your help. Please do buy my novel when it comes out next year. I wish to pursue a career as a novelist, and for that I need to sell :-)

PS - my next poem is not cryptic. And it is, for the first time, that I have tried hand on a romantic poem. I hope you all like it :-)

[Aethereal]

Place your book on Amazon next year. Yes, try a romantic poem.

[Shivam Murari]

:-) Yes, if the publishers agree, the book will definitely be on Amazon. :-) But I need to finish the work yet :-)

[Leslie Philibert]

A poem I like, that needs a bit of work. The rhyme scheme changes from verse to verse
and the syntax is a bit jumpy, adsorbed ( absorbed) is a typo, a good write that needs,
I think more of a clear line..I would put more pronouns and articles in, for example
From being his parent`s imperfect boy or A photo album speaks a story..

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks for the detailed review Leslie. I would definitely make the pronoun and article changes right away :-)
PS - About the syntax and rhyme scheme, they are intentional jumpy. Actually whenever you would see the rhyming scheme changing, it is coincided by a change in idea. You might have noted the complexity of the poem, which is also depicted by the jumpy (complex) rhyming scheme. The first and last stanza have the same rhyming scheme, depicting a similar mood. The second, third, fifth and sixth stanza have the same rhyming scheme (Which is quite uncomfortable rhyming scheme) depicting the narration of an uncomfortable story. The core of the poem has an easy going abab rhyming scheme showing that it is the heart of the poem. This was my idea behind making a rhyming scheme as this.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, sir! :-)

[spunkyleo]

i really enjoyed reading this poem and the pictures too! great job putting it all together into a thing of beauty.

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot Spunky, for those encouraging words :)

[spunkyleo]

haha

[Shivam Murari]

:)

[The Girl That Let You G..]

The idea behind this write is very very clear. I love the last stanza, and I applaud you for such stunning work. Greatly penned

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a million, great poet :)

[Bowers]

Hey! so... I loved the images, they went so well.!. The metaphors were in fact, easy to decipher and decode, and were very interesting. I fully understood to a readers capability, what you were implying and I did enjoy the rhyming :)

anyway, I think this is a good poem, and Id recommend it for others to read

[Shivam Murari]

Those are indeed very encouraging words. Thanks a lot Inthedark :)

[Bowers]

:) You are a very talented writer.

[Keith]

Its a poem, who cares if it makes sense and it doesn't need to have clear message. But it should be a good read and stimulate the reader. I believe you have done both and also conjured up images of a bully, seen by some as the hero/tide and others as a lowlife/dirty pool.

[Shivam Murari]

Those were the exact things in my mind. Thanks, Keith, for the wonderful and encouraging words :)

[Kitbit]

That's one complex poem, but yet nice and addicting :)

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks Kitbit! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem :)

[Dhaye]

This one seems personal to me, Shivam... like my "Who Are You?", a free verse poem which I have made because of a bully in our community.

Well, you have some questions above which I'm going to answer.
-The idea is so clear. It's about a bully who's been a failure to his family and to his class, made a group and lead them, but finally fell down.
-Easy to decode and interesting
-The rhyming is really an experiment. Lol :) In P1 you have aabb, but in P2 the 1st and 3rd lines did not rhyme (cded), in P3 the same with P2, P5 and P6 (which 2nd and 4th lines only rhymed), in P4 and P7-good like P1.
-Yes, it's effective.

You see, Shivam, this is a good job in general. If you did not ask the question about the rhyming, I will only tell you that this is a nice piece. Lol :) But I made those honest answers because I thought you can still improve the rhyming of P2, P3, P5 and P6 (their 1st and 3rd lines only).

But you know, I am not after the rhyming or whatsoever. I just answered your question honestly. The poem in general, is so captivating because of it's concept which I really like. :) :) :)

[Shivam Murari]

Thanks a lot Dhaye. I must definitely read your "Who Are You?" :-)
Thanks for reading. And actually I tried to make 3 different rhyming schemes in the poem, I was wondering if it is erratic. :-)

[Jack...]

I understood the poem. The kid with self esteem problems. The 95 pound weakling trying to fend for himself in the land of giants. The one thing that threw me was the constant change of the rhyme scheme. Overall it was good.

[Shivam Murari]

Yes, there are three changes in the rhyming scheme! :-) Thanks for reading and reviewing sir :)