Winter White

Winter Deep 

Winter deep, I've waded in the mountain streams,
Winter white, walked barefoot in the snow,
For me the world is made of dreams,
And I worry not if the blizzards blow.

For they'll never touch me,
No, they'll never reach me,
Nothing can make me cold.
For you see I left no ripple in the mountain stream,
Nor footprint in the snow.
Not since the day they buried me so far down below.

Yet still I wade the mountain streams,

And walk barefoot in the snow.
My world is made all of dreams

With nowhere else I'd rather go.

No cares in this world of white,

I rest my hand on ice silk fur,
Not alone in the dark of night,

She pads beside me, green eyes bright.

Together we wade the mountain streams,

I walk barefoot in the snow,

In a world of shadow and dreams,

Stars above and our graves below.

No, they'll never touch us,

No one touch can reach us,

Nothing can make us cold,

Not since that day when love betrayed us,

And we learned what it meant to have and not hold.

 

Now no one can hold us,
No one can keep us,
From roaming the mountains so dear,
No more reason ever to fear,
As we wade the mountain streams,
And walk barefoot in the snow.

Reviews

[Ken e Bujold]

Ignore the little man, Mr J. His grasp of poetry is about as firm as a declawed cat trying to scramble up a greased telephone pole. A rhyming scheme does not need to be set in stone, it's just that, a scheme. If it enhances a poem great, if a poem needs to break, equally fine. Your poem is an enjoyable meander of a read through a winter wonderland

ken

[JayG]

You're rhyming is all over the place. In stanza 1 it's ABAB
S2 = AABCDD
S3 = ABAB
S4 = ABAA
S5 = ABAB
S6 = AABAB
S7 = AABBCD

No way can the reader anticipate and fall into the rhythm of the piece.

Prosody, too, is all over the place, with no consistency between stanzas. You begin a line iambic or trochaic, at random. In short, unless this is a form I've not run into before, I think you may be missing critical structural information.

In general, like a song, structured poetry repeats, so far as rhythm. Two suggestions you might find interesting:

First, take a read of the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say about the flow of language should be required reading for all writers.

Next, download a copy of Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is brilliant.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Sorry my news isn’t better. If it helps, I found the thought interesting, except for the barefoot in the snow business. I’ve done it. Aside from the, “Oh my god, that’s COLD! The human foot is WAY too smooth to walk on an icy surface without sliding all over the place.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/