Finding Herself

A small poem I wrote just recently. No real structure or techniques, just feeling.

She is lost in the labyrinth of her own thoughts, thoughts she can’t begin to unwind.

Sounds, smells, sights; it all comes running back to knock her down to her knees once more.

Tears arise and with a short breath and a long sigh, they disappear. Hidden amongst her face; behind her deep blue eyes, in her smiles and laughs, lost in what she now is.

Many times has she reached out a hand to be rescued, saved from a darkening path, but time after time she is pushed away by looks, words, judgement.

If only she could go back, back to where she began to change, where she began to notice things were not as perfect as children were told.

Before the one closest to her broke a promise and left, blaming her for every mistake that was made.

Before she noticed that her father was fighting to find a reason to walk the earth, walk the earth with the monsters that are called ‘humans’.

Before realising that a family can hold secrets, secrets that are kept hidden from the innocent and vain for good reason.

Before she would continuously be mocked by people she thought were her friends.

Not just to avoid the bad, but to relive to amazing that would no longer happen.

Like when the longest she went without seeing her family was when she slept.

Back to where road trips were a time to explore and to return to the same place each year so that the best jam and cream rolls could be devoured one by one.

Back to when cancer wasn’t an issue, when everyone and everything lived for ever as they did when you are a child.

Back to when the only worry for the day was wondering if you were going to be home to see your favourite tv show or to get to play outside for half an hour while the sun set.

Now, the future is lapping at her feet, friendships are on the rocks and family is being washed away.

Holding her chin up, she wades through challenges, but with every step, a part of her goes missing and is buried in the sand.

What is she now?

Who is she now?

What does everyone expect of her and more importantly what does she expect of herself and others.
Questions.

So many questions.

Questions that she cant answer.

Questions that she longs to find the answer for.

She knows what she wants to be.

She wants to be like the other girls.

Tall, thin, beautiful… The kind of girls that turn heads and light up a room with one smile.

It has to be easy, she has tried many things before.

Not eating worked well, only drew attention that wasn’t the right kind. Attention that gave her a bad name and made her a statistic.

A statistic that would turn her into a stereotype.
Scars on her body show her pain, but to what length?

People ask, but they don’t understand what they are told, and so more judgment is passed onto her.

Judgment that begins to drive her insane.

She thinks everyone is watching, but of course, people turn the other way when she walks in the room.

Laughter and jokes fly from one person to another.

Blocking out is the only way.

Building a wall to hide what she use to be.

A wall that gets thicker and higher each day that passes.

A wall that she dreams of tearing down.

Because only when it is down, when her true self is showing, only will she be able to make her way out of herself. 

© Sheri Patterson

09/09/2013

Author's Note

What do you think?
Not sure if I should keep writing this kind or go with how I used to write (structured, techniques, etc).
Thanks! :)

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

In terms of form... Since it's a free... I think it's fine the way it is... if it were me... I wouldn't change the wording, but start a new line ever time you would put in a comma or period. Then perhaps break it into a couple of stanzas based on where the content and theme naturally shifts throughout the piece... That's just my opinion though. =)

In terms of content... I've never been in the masses and being the but of the jokes were a common thing in school and in my youth... Both for being a bit chubby as well as being a quiet one. So on that aspect, I can relate to some of this. I can't relate to the scars... self harm always seems self defeating to me, so I never let myself go that direction.

What I do like about this piece is how it's overall theme seems to speak to me about the coming of age and the transition from youth to adult and the trails everyone faces. At the same time it shows us the facet of what one individual went through, so a more complete image comes to frame.

Overall, I think it takes us on a journey that is not yet complete and we are left at a staging area for the next train of our life to come by. As we stare out into the future we ponder what we can do to get to where we really want to be.

Thanks for sharing your ink!
Aaron - Wolfwind

[zainul]

This is a great manuscript of pure feelings.
Some expressions are so lovely that they be used as quotes.
I think you may try to give it a structured form using some techniques that you like.
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece and could imagine the amazing pictures that came with it.

[Rose of many colours]

I don't like the Phrase, monsters that are called 'humans'. However I can relate to this poem through some of my personal experiences... very good.

[Katherine]

I liked it :) the only thing is I personally might break it up into multiple shorter poems. Because the last part I thought fitted nicely together. But that's just me. But overall nice description of emotions and feelings.