Cradling Part 2

Chapter 214-1

Cradling

Part 2

 

My life had never been easy as I gazed around the table of all my friends and their parents. I knew what Stringum was purposing. We all did. In a sense, he was adding another nail to my coffin by forcing me to grow up and be a man. It didn’t matter that I was only 16 and would be 17 in December, or I would be 18 in another year. He wanted to give me a head start before I actually stepped into adulthood. He knew I was capable of doing it, and everyone at this table knew that too. Because I didn’t back down from a challenge.

I was a Tiger; I had ambition, and determination that I wasn’t going to be like my father who was a cruel and angry man, a monster and my worst nightmare. My life at this time was a challenge, to better myself, and make something of myself where my father and my mother hadn’t taken the opportunity, and most of all he was right. They didn’t raise me, for if they did I wouldn’t have had the guts to come out of my comfort zone. In truth, I wouldn’t be live. I would have been dead a long time ago and wiped off the face of the map, before my 6th birthday.

Stringum pointed out that each day I lived was a day I faced the monster's anger. Each day I was alive I was challenging him and my mother as I spit in their face because I was in control of my life and they weren’t. Each day was a new day… a day that I wouldn’t have had if the monster had gotten his way. Most parents would have been proud of me for all the things I had accomplished by the time I was 16, but I didn’t have most parents. I had parents that wanted me to fail, I had parents that wanted to end my life, and because each day I lived was another day they had failed.

Instead, I had been raised with many parents that weren’t them. I was raised to work hard and go after my dreams. I didn’t complain like my sisters did wanting everything handed to them and whined because they didn’t get it instead of earning it. Instead, I set my sights higher. I listened to my foster parents, letting them teach me and guide me so I would be somebody. Something my parents had refused to do.

So in ways, Stringum was right… being bounced around from home to home was a blessing, not a curse. Because most kids in the system, at my age would have turned to drugs and alcohol and been found dead in a gutter. I wasn’t one of those kids. Even though I didn’t have the best foster homes sometimes that just wanted to collect a paycheck for doing nothing. I had some good ones as well, and those are the ones that mattered most, and because of that my parents hated them and wanted them to stop, wanted them to stop giving me a future. They preferred the ones that didn’t stand in their way.

Yet I learned something from those as well. Which was it made me stronger and making it so I wanted more? I didn’t want to be anything or a nobody like my parents. But most of all, my father who was a cruel man, working dead in jobs, for low pay, because he didn’t or wouldn’t go after his dreams. Other than ending my life, the only real goal he had was to make sure I either died by his hands or I became just like him, living from bad paycheck to paycheck without any hope, or dare to dream of doing something with his life.

My mother too had no real ambition other than wanting a better life, but she couldn’t get out of her comfort zone. She ran from things that challenged her and was afraid to face her fears. She had goals but with no real ambition without anyone pushing her they never happened. So she gave up on her dreams and settled for dreams that would require no effort.

Focused on family wanting us to marry well so we could all give her grandchildren and we could support her instead, which was all she talked about, us supporting her and my father, for payback for them raising us, telling us over and over again that they had earned that right that when got that nice house and job it was up to us to take them in so they can live in life of luxury without having to lift a finger. Yet Aaron and I wanted no part of that future.

The idea of having kids so my parents could be grandparents scared us, knowing my father would most likely beat them as he did with us growing up. Or our mother going back to her old ways was too much a gamble so we made a pact that if we had children they would never see them.

More so as we got older and stopped being our mother, by doing everything Susan and my father said giving her a choice them or us. She chose my sisters and my father. Considering I was already living on my own and Aaron went with me. She stopped fighting them and gave in, letting them control her life, taking her dreams away from having us as part of her family.

That is why I said yes because I knew it got me closer to my goal. Yet if I had a chance to go back I wouldn’t change it, but I would set my goals higher, then just being some Chef, but to include other goals. At the time with the information I had it was stated that they made a nice paycheck, but I didn’t plan my life other than making that goal. I didn’t plan other than working my self into the ground.

I made no room for family or friends, instead, I focused on one goal only and that was being a Chef. I was told by many people and some standardized test that it wasn’t a practical job for me. Instead, they told me I wouldn’t be anything more than employee digging ditches and cleaning toilets. The most I could hope to be was a groundskeeper or a custodian like my father and incapable of being a leader in any field. The more they told me that, the more determined I was to make my goal as a Chef.

I wanted what they had; I wanted that golden paycheck thinking that would make me happy. Because it was the one thing I knew I could get in spite of them constantly telling me those goals were not realistic, that I should set my goals lower. Yet the goal I didn’t set for my self was having a family. Having a family was always in the back of mind, it didn’t come 1st, 2nd or 3rd or even 5th.

I spent that time fearing that I would become my father, a cruel and unforgiving person who beats his children and his wife and now his grandchildren and once more both my mother and my father was getting away with it and teaching Susan what they had done wrong in regards to me and Aaron by correcting their mistake by making sure they were under a 24/7 guard so they couldn’t speak or by seen by others that would get them into trouble. Proving to Aaron and I that we were right by making that pact not have children or if we did make sure that our children were not part of their lives…

Yet what I regretted most wasn’t the pact we made it was that I had listened to the world around me and it said. People like me that came from abusive homes such as mine are the ones with the biggest chance of abusing their own children and their wives. 

That was something I couldn’t let happen, I needed to end the cycle. So when the time came I said no, and focused on my career living in constant fear of that happening. The nightmares were bad enough; to the point, that work was the only thing I had that would stop me from dreaming and waking up in the middle of the night screaming because I locked in the church basement in total darkness and was constantly being beaten by my parents at will to the very inch of my life.

That alone was enough to convince me, I didn’t want my own children to have those kinds of nightmares. So if I could go back I would shake myself really hard, say take the chance, you weren’t raised like that. You had good foster parents and friends. You are not your father; you are someone to be proud of and worth loving. Not a monster, not child abuser or a wife beater. A family should have been a goal as much as having a career, and most of all when the time comes don’t throw it all away, grab on to it. Most of all don’t listen to the world; they are not the ones in control of your life. You are. There is nothing wrong about being a nudist.

Mom and Dad, more so Dad was proud of me when I said yes that I was up for the challenge, yet deep inside of me I was scared out of my mind. 700 people, I thought you got to be kidding? I had huge doubts that anyone would be so stupid to turn over an entire professional kitchen to a 16-year-old, or having the kitchen staff listen to me being only 16.

When they are two or three times my age with real lifetime experience working in a kitchen. Stringum clapped me on the back telling me I would be fine. I said. “Yea right?” As I looked over what was left of my dinner, finding they had eaten everything including the crumbs until there was nothing left, including the cake or the rolls?

Dotty too was proud as punch licking her fingers and dabbing at the crumbs, and because I was the Chef it wasn’t my job to clean up. So instead they cleaned up for me, as I sat by the fire feeling guilty about not lending a hand and worrying about that challenge I was facing. Nobody stayed too long seeing the snow coming down hard wanting to get home where it was safe and warm as they each shook hands with me thanking me for a fine meal. Leaving me a tip as they stuffed my pocket with cash as if they were paying customers; when I added it was close to a thousand dollars.

Mom and Dad said that was money well earned, I handed it to them instead said. “I wasn’t alone, I had help,” Dad smiled and picked up the money and handed it too me said. “This is your share of the profits. The Chef gets the bigger cut then his kitchen staff. If you want to give them your share, as well then it would be your choice and a bad business decision which states you are giving away your business.”

I nodded and said. “Then if that’s the case what should I do with it?”

He said. “What you always do with it, pay your bills, and save the rest for when you need it. I taught you that.”

I nodded said. “Ok, what are my bills?”

Dad said. “We’ll discuss it tomorrow. We’ll sit down and will go over your share that you are responsible for… now that you adult like the rest of us. Even Shane when he comes home off his mission he too will be responsible to pay his share.

“Welcome to real life where nothing is for free. Those days are gone, you are married now, and your caseworker has made it clear that you are an adult and will no longer be the States responsibility. Arthur is no longer our responsibility either, as you have noticed Stringum and Dr. Sars has asked for full custody of him. Instead of us putting him in a mental institution, which we would have had to do, and would have had to eventually.

“He can’t go to a normal school, and we can’t afford to pay for his care, which would have been a strain on our family physically, mentally and costly because of the type of care he would require. Stringum and Dr. Sars have made the most improvement where we haven’t and were just getting worse. Like you he has pretty much aged out of the system, so we would have had to bear the cost of his entire medical, treatment.

“Granted we caused the problem, and we felt it was best that they take him then put him in a facility. We looked at several over the last two weeks. None were what we were looking for, and the cost was more then we could handle, for treatments that might work with no guarantees.

“If we handed him back over to the state they would put him in the one in Prove, which was the most disgusting place we have ever laid eyes on. He would be locked up like a caged animal, without a hope of ever seeing the outside world ever again. He may have raped several boys like your three younger brothers, but he only did it because Shawn told him to do it, and Crawford making him do it for his own sick reasons.

“This way we know he has gone to a good home and we can still get see him, whereas if we kept him here with us, he would have been a prisoner because we couldn’t trust him not to rape you, or your brothers. With Shawn gone and not having influence over him, it has really made the difference. But if Shawn came back… there are no guarantees with Arthur here he would continue right where he left off. So the best decision was to make sure if Shawn ever came home that Arthur wasn’t here so he could manipulate him. Our goal is to have Shawn come home when we are sure he has turned his life around.

“Like your mother said. So far the school is making a difference and he is following his program, his grades have improved dramatically and so has his attitude to the point that there is a strong possibility that he could come home for Thanksgiving and possibly Christmas. According to the Dean, they haven’t needed too have a guard watching him 24/7. Since the Satanic Church is no longer a problem, he is making the right friends and hasn’t raped anyone that they know of. He seems sorry and has written each of us an apology and seems heartfelt.

“Yet we are not jumping to conclusions until we are sure that it is not just another attempt to fool us like he has done many times before. As we said we're hopeful, but for now it is a wait and sees for the moment. The school there seems to be working, even though it is expensive. There is hope where there was none before. I haven’t dared tell Shane what has happened since he has been gone. I don’t want him worrying about things he can’t do anything about. The best decision we have ever made was you and making you apart of our family.

“We can’t tell you how proud we are of you; most boys would have buckled under the pressure. In fact, we couldn’t be happier you that you are part of us now, or the fact you are no longer just some foster kid, but our son. We don’t care about the fact that the state has declared you adult, taking us off their payroll. We haven’t cared about that in a very long time. In fact, we have been taking that money and putting it all into a saving account to help pay for your college tuition. Adding it to the account you and your grandmother have set up so when you do go to college it will be there for you enough to get you started. No other boy we have taken in has ever achieved that, something you should be very proud of.”

Dad pulled me in to hug and kissed me, something he has done since I had been home other then the kissing me on the head or my forehead and I missed that. Once he released me he asked me if I was ready to help the Larson with showing their kids how to love them the way us nudist do.

I nodded, I was, I didn’t question anymore if it was wrong because it felt right at the time. If I had a family I wanted to do it the right way the way I was taught. It still bothered me about the Benson's and how Eli and I had forced them to participate in the preparing ritual. The fact that it saved all our lives still didn’t sit well with me. This was completely different none of us was forcing anybody into anything. They wanted to do this… they had asked us to show them how. Was it wrong? Maybe, but it was how I was being raised, it was my way of life at the time. Now I have I regrets because I turned my back on that way of life.