A Tortured Mind Part 1

Chapter 190

A Tortured Mind

Part 1

What is a tortured mind? Is the mind reliving the past? Is it onset of depression? Or perhaps none of the above? I believe it is soul being tortured because of the things the person that it represents must relive the memories of the crimes they had to participate in. I know for a fact that my mind relives those memories, knowing that I had no choice but to do them, wishing it never happened. Yet did happen, it all happened.

I had thought I was bad off before having to relive the nightmares of what my parents had done to me growing up, but the things I had done, regardless of me being forced to do them. I did them for one reason only and had nothing to do with sexual desire, mostly? Or pleasure, mostly? I did them to stay alive, I did them so others wouldn’t die, I did them to maintain the room as being the only person able to control, feel and see how each piece of the puzzle as I fitted them into place. I did them… and because I did them, I am plagued with the memories of the crimes I had to commit.

Some will judge me as a monster, and sexual deviant or a rapist. Perhaps that is how I see myself; perhaps that is how God will see it as I kneel before him to be judged asking me why I did them; questioning if death would have been better. Not only for me but for the many kids, parents and my friends I had done this too.

Perhaps I do belong in hell, yet in a way, I am already living in a hell of sorts as I relive these nightmares, not only in my dreams and upon my darkest hours left on this earth, but upon these pages. Perhaps I am in hell and it is the one place I deserve to be.

Yet I do not have any regrets regarding the things I did to keep the people in my life alive. I have regrets that it was necessary, I have regrets that it had become necessary wondering if I had chosen to walkway as I had done years later. How much blood would be on my hands? How many kids, babies, and parents would I have killed by not doing what was necessary?

Yes, I am truly the monster; I have become worst then my parents. I became someone that cannot look in the mirror wanting to strike dead the refection of what he had created. I no longer have a soul, I no longer feel as I deserved one in the first place.

Death is nothing more then passing through one doorway to another, but for me, it is nothing but going from one hell to another with nothing, but regrets. Regrets that it became necessary knowing it was my choice. It was a choice between living with the guilt of what I was becoming or doing nothing.

May God help me and forgive me, but I have a feeling that he has already judged me as a monster. Monster do not deserve forgiveness, they deserve to suffer, the anguish the pain of what they have caused others.

Bad men do bad things; People like me choose to do them to avoid being bad men or to give a reason for doing them. I am, and always will be a very bad man and because of that I have chosen to be a monster and that choice caused me to be alone so I couldn’t hurt anyone else, not trusting myself not too hurt someone else.

Perhaps that was the reason I accepted the fact I didn’t go with them when I was asked too, because I felt and still feel I didn’t deserve to be happy. I deserved to be punished for the things I had to do, to keep bad men like me from doing it. Like Pa said it only takes one act, one action leads to another and another, until you reason that it was necessary and the lines become blurred.

Questioning the act you had reasoned to be necessary until it is too late to stop, too late to look back and say. I should have never let it become necessary, but by that time it was too late and I had started my journey to becoming the monster, and the bad man I see in the mirror before me. I only have myself to blame, for not finding another way of fitting the pieces to the puzzle.

My journey began as we rode the elevator down to the main lobby of the hotel, not more than a few blocks away from the one we were staying at. I don’t know why we just didn’t go to the hotel in the first place, but it makes no difference. The plan was simple.

We would get into the waiting limo and be dropped off at the Marriott Hotel. I didn’t need my wheelchair, because it too didn’t matter anymore. They knew that it was staged, and I only needed it for long distances. I wasn’t going anywhere that would require me to need it. I was going from the lobby to the main desk too pick up our robes and get into the elevator and ride it up to our floor and have sex with our wives and that was where my journey to hell started.

As directed we picked up the package and made our way to the suite we were using for the night. We knew we were all being watched, but there was very little we could do about it,  at least not yet as I waited for Jeff to update Stringum and Tony so they can make preparations for the battle; for it would be a battle, but not the kind where it involves millions of people to die for a cause.

It would be battle against time, a battle to preserve what we believe is the right thing to do. Tonight would set the stage, and the curtain will rise and the players on the stage of life begin. I gave a heavy sigh as Eli opened the door having Rhoda telling us she and Jackie will run us a bath. I would normally feel excited about the idea of seeing two beautiful naked women wanting them to have sex with them.

The clock started to tick down as Eli said. “It is your turn to teach me,”

I said. “Yes, I know.” I turned on some music and kicked off my shoes. Already my feet were hurting from them and my poor tux’s seemed it would never be wrinkle free again. Eli’s too look shambled and the girls dresses too had seen better days that they would become dry cleaners nightmare, but we hadn’t had a chance to change clothes.

We didn’t think that we would need to consider the plan of the day was simple. I heard the cries of anguish and frustration as the girls kicked off their wedding dress as if they were nothing worth saving. Who could blame them? They didn’t get the Cinderella wedding Stringum had planned for all of us; instead, it became one hellish nightmare.

I said walking up to Eli and putting my arms around him, just so I could kiss him and feel his arms around me. “So we will start by doing the simple things.” I slowly removed his jacket and undid his bow tie and removed his shirt tossing it onto the floor like garbage. I said. “I like to play a game called follow the leader, to help us get into the mood.”

He said “Ok.. and how does that help to get me in the mood?”

I said. “It depends on the situation.” He nodded and he removed my jacket, tie and shirt adding it to the pile. “You said the boys and their parents will most likely be in the room. Tell me how will they be presented to us? Naked? Or fully clothed? And if bathe them first, or not or afterward? He told us that we get a chance to bathe, but didn’t elaborate on the details.

I pulled him close to the bed and sat him down so I could remove his shoes and socks as I waited for him to tell me what I needed to know. He said. “If he stays true to form, they will all be fully clothed, and it would be up to us how we prepared them. In most cases we undress and they undress, or in some cases, the parents undress the boys and we watch.

“We usually like to bathe them first, but it depends on if the place we are preparing them in has a tub big enough for us. If not, we are given the choice to let the parents undress the boys, or if they would like us to do it for them. Again it really depends on the situation, but in most cases. If the parents are not converts to the church we make them do it, if they refuse. They have no choice but to watch us do it for them. It helps if the parents do it for us because that means the parents trust us enough not to harm them.”

I nodded and worked on his pants and removed them and his boxers, I said. “Then will practice both strategies, because it depends on how we make them comfortable and earn their trust. We can not afford to rush into it; I think I can sell the idea to the parents and the High Bishop… that I was taught that I should never rush pleasure. Giving the time we need so our team can find us.”

Eli said. “Ok, I think we can sell the idea because he was good with us taking our time with his boys. He wants us to prepare them if it means us doing it our way, then he won’t mind us doing it as long as we do it.” I let him undress me and tossed our clothes into a corner adding them to the wedding dresses.

I said. “Let’s bathe first, so we can get the stench off us that we have been wearing when we had sex with that evil psychopath. Well, start with teaching how I have been taught to give a sensual and sexual bath. So tell me is that allowed when we bathe the boys and do the parents participate at all? Or do we force them? Or do they just watch? Or do we prepare them while bathing?”

Eli said. “Again it depends if they are converts. If they are not, then like I said we not only prepare the boys but the parents as well. We give them the option of undressing, or we are forced to undress them at knife-point and their boys. We also take into account that new converts have never seen their parents naked before.

“So it becomes a tricky situation, but then again we usually have days not hours to get them all comfortable about being naked in front of their boys or even us. So it needs to usually be forced, but I think that parents will be more than willing to corporate because their life likes ours are on the line.

“If we can somehow explain to them that none of us have a choice we either do it or we all die. I can only hope that they are not aware of the fact their son had been killed in cold blood which it will make it even harder for all of us, but I wouldn’t count on that. Man, I wish your friend would give some that inside information on what we are walking into.”

I nodded and we made our way to the tub, The girls had agreed that Eli I needed to prepare for tonight, we can have sex after we put this night behind us, in fact, they wanted to help, I cringed at the idea of knowing what that help would include, but Eli said it would be a good experience for me and him.

The girls took their places at the other end said they have been looking forward to learning how they might pleasure us in the future. No one said providing we had future after tonight, instead, we were trying to remain positive. I had the girls warm up the sex remedy and prepared me to have enema as I closed the door. Explaining to the girls this was a private moment, but they instead that we wouldn’t have a private moment anymore.

I nodded and said “fine,” and quickly put together an enema bag. While Eli quickly brushed his teeth to get the taste of the boys out of his mouth, I did like wises before doing the enema.

I wanted to do it earlier because I had that mans penis inside of me. So we only prepared one for me.  It wasn’t embarrassing to me to have someone place a rectal bulb syringe up my butt, because my foster parents used to do it too me all the time when I couldn’t go. And my Adoptive Mom always gave them to us telling us it kept us healthy plus the constant teas that she made us drink to clean out the toxins out of our systems that she believed were there.

Yet now we were told to do it after Eli and I had sex together or someone had forced us to have sex with them like the High Bishop. I’ll spare you the gory details of having one, considering it wasn’t all that important and it was something that just became an everyday thing for me and Eli and my close friends and family.

It was a short treatment as I took several antibiotics to prevent me from getting a rectal infection, by someone that doesn’t keep themselves clean, and with the pills, Eli and I drank several cups of the sex remedy. Not only for us but to have it build in our system tonight so we can do what we needed to do prepare the boys and their parents.

The boys and their father would be the hardest for me, but to the boys and their father and mother, it will be even harder, because they too would have to be prepared and also participate, even if it was at knife-point.

Eli and I climbed into the tub and already he and I was feeling much better as we let the girls give us a quick bath. As I put together a game plan as we watch the clock tick down, knowing we didn’t have all night, but only a few short hours. I leaned up close to Eli and kissed him and having him tell me that they don’t kiss or believe in the cuddly stuff when preparing them.

I said. “Too bad, because that’s exactly what they're going to get. It’s going to be our way of preparing people. You said he won’t care how we do it as long as we do it.”

Eli nodded and I smiled, asked. “Do you think he would get upset if we bring our own bathing and grooming supplies?”

He shrugged his shoulders that he didn’t know, said. “We can try if they like they can always tell us no and throw them out.”

I nodded and said. “Ok let’s begin. I usually like to start once we get them into the tub and do whatever it takes to get them comfortable. So I’ll pretend that you are the father because that’s where the trust will start. If the boys see what we are doing to their father they won’t get scared as easily.” I started with his feet and groomed them and placed each of his toes inside my mouth and causing him to moan and laugh when I found his ticklish spots.

I clipped his toenails and buffed them smooth as he asked me if this was necessary, I said. “Yes, because I want a clean and well-groomed subject if I am to take my time pleasure him. After all, it’s my way and it will be your way after tonight. Because when we come back, you will not only be doing this to me but to our girls and my friends we are going to be with.

“It’s our way of showing them how much we care about them. I no longer what the quick and dirty version you were taught and raised with. God intended us to love each other, not force ourselves on each other to be rapped like beasts, and monsters. It’s the only way I know how to show them trust in such a short period of time.”

He nodded. “I can live with that.”

The girls agreed, asking me if they can help. I said. “No, because Eli needs to learn, and we only have a few hours, but you can practice it on each other; because personally I rather have a girl like you two doing it, but Eli doesn’t know how to pleasure anyone like this. He needs to do exactly what I am doing.”

It sounded harsher then I wanted, but the girls understood and did what I was asking. I quickly groomed Eli making sure he could groom me the same way. It was also the first time we actually tasted each other. I only wished it wasn’t because we had to but wanted to, well mostly we wanted too, but the idea that we would be forced to taste the boys we were preparing for the first time and their parents made it more as a thing we had to do so we could stay alive.