Trying To Fit In part 2

Chapter 65-1

Trying To Fit In

Part 2

 

I had tons a practice giving the blessing; the trick was doing it with a marble in your mouth; until I had it perfect. Because it had to be if you messed up one word or missed a word or said anything wrong. The Bishop would tell you to do it again until you did it right. If it took six or even ten times, you still had to do it until you got it right. Shane and I have both messed up more times then we liked to count.

Dad gave us each a bag of marbles and had us practice it until we had down pat, and do it several times a day before it became our turn which was often. Priesthood boys are hard to come by and being priest age even less. Most of them either have gone off to college to singles wards or gone on missions leaving a large hole in the quorum, being in a small town didn’t help.

I had never met my parents, Bishop, he according to Mom, hadn’t been in office long maybe a year if that. I had learned that when you are called to be the Bishop the only time you are released, is if they have served for seven years. Or they are moving out of the ward, or a new ward was being formed out of their ward. Rarely are they removed for excommunication, it does happen, not as often as the Catholic Church or other churches that I am aware of, but in mostly it is seven years.

They keep the name Bishop until they move out of the ward. It’s like the president of the United States, even though they don’t perform the duties they are still given the title.  Also when the old Bishop is removed all callings are removed and recalled or changed. Teachers are the only exception; and what men and boys that had been ordained stay in effect. If you like more on the subject you can go to www.LDS.org

Mom and Grandma took seats towards the front after introducing to me to everyone and including the Bishop. Calling me her oldest “son” or boy, prouder as any mother could possibly be. It was like rubbing salt into a wound or some needed payback to the people that looked down on her for not having me home. It felt strange having her call me her son or her oldest boy considering our past history. I was nothing more than dirt and now I was somebody she was proud to be called her son. In some ways, I felt like a side of beef standing naked to the world, even thou it felt similar to my first Sunday with the Rothwell’s in others it was nothing to compare it to.

Word travels fast in small towns. I had never shaken so many hands in one day that I thought my hand would drop off. When asked regarding my whereabouts Mom didn’t lie, she told the truth-telling them I have come home for a visit adding that she’s hoping to have me home on permanent bases sometime in the near future.

Grandma nearly gasped when she said it, she caught my eye knowing that sounded like a bad idea, a very bad idea. When asked about my father she passed it off stating he was home sick in bed and didn’t feel well enough to come today. Everyone most likely knew it was a lie, but no one corrected her. Gossip flies faster than the wind during a strong hurricane when you live in a small town.

My church records were here so even though I was in another ward in another county almost 60 miles away. It was like blowing dust and finding my name beneath it under my parent's name listing all their children. Officer Kenly had already informed the Bishop that I would be giving the blessing. It wasn’t a big deal when coming to a different ward once you are ordained you were ordained with the same calling in all wards across the country. Same rules the same guidelines apply.

Bishop asking if it was alright that they allowed me to visit him in his office after church so he and I could get to know each other. Mom saying she had no problem with that as if its nothing but a social call. If was the Rothwell’s they would have freaked out. Mom didn’t give any hint passed it off as nothing to worry about.

Personally, I thought that there was a lot to worry about; I didn’t trust Bishops after having several bad experiences. The only Bishop I trusted was Bishop Lanwall and he had been removed after spending his 7-year term as Bishop. Not even the new Bishop gave me the same feeling nor did he have that special light in his eyes, something about him made me not trust him.

I didn’t get that feeling when I looked at the Bishop in front of me. Something said he was a good man, which I could trust. I immediately searched for any connection that would tell me that I was right. I didn’t see the light in his eyes, but when we shook hands. It was the warmest feeling I had ever felt, my mind felt calm and at peace. I touched the spot that I and Jeff had shared, but it was still empty, my gut told me this was a man that I could trust.

The seconded our hands parted the feeling was still there. I hadn’t known I was still staring into his eyes even after our hands had long parted. It seemed time stood still for a brief moment. It was when he smiled I caught a glimpse of the light I was seeking. All he said was “interesting boy you have Mrs. Shepherd. I am instructed to watch you and him closely, yes interesting indeed.” Mom gasped asking what he meant by watching us,  having him pass it off saying he would like to spend time with both of us after church, repeating the same word “interesting.”

Mom shook for a moment standing watching him take his place and confer with his counselors on the stand. Mom and Grandma didn’t have time to ask me what had taken place during that handshake as Aaron and I was directed to our seats by Officer Kenly or Bother Kenly in this case. He introduced me to the boys before leaving us on our own.

Grandma quickly snapped a picture of me sitting at the sacrament table quicker then I could say cheese. It would be grandma’s first time as well since I had been ordained a priest. Once again it seemed similar seeing Aaron sit with the deacons and the teachers and me sitting with the priest. Seeing the rolls change was a little unnerving at first me playing Shane and Aaron playing me. We both smiled at each other overhearing him say that I am his big brother, it made feel warm and fuzzy inside. Until I looked at my sisters faces scowling at me the feeling soon turned cold.

Something you can’t change and that’s how your sisters feel about you. I added them to the list with Shawn, Arthur, and Danny. Mom and Grandma couldn’t be prouder. I soon fell into my role having drawn straws on which one of us wanted to bless the bread and the one who got to bless the water. I know it seems silly, but we take or jobs just as seriously. They had already drawn straws on who was going to be the third wheel which made their decision easier, me being the new kid on the block. It was like baptism by fire. I gave a quick silent prayer that I wouldn’t mess up being drawn first. In some ways, it was stressful and in others not unless you messed up.

My insides were shaking as the time quickly came I told my self several times I had done this a hundred times nothing different, the prayer was the same being universal only difference was holding the microphone as we knelled. At home, the microphone was embedded with the card we read from. Here the card was in my hand; one more prayer wouldn’t hurt as I quickly found the courage hoping nobody could hear my heart beating out of my chest. It was flawless the second I read the first line I was calm and my hands steady. When I looked up the Bishop nodded and gave me a smile it was the signal that said I had done good and the hard part was done.

Breaking bread into small pieces and dividing it up between the trays in front of me was like riding a bike downhill with the warm sun on your bare back and the soft breeze racing through your hair. I know what you're thinking that I should be thinking about Christ and what the bread and water represent, but I think God would understand that a boy being free from his prison for a moment is just as special.

When I looked up Mom and Grandma were crying seeing them wipe their eyes with Kleenexes every so often. I could see how proud they were and made me smile, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Even more when I handed the tray to my bother and watch him give it to the Bishop; I thought about my first time when it was me. That’s when I was truly humbled.

Grandma should have been slapped or taken out of the room for snapping pictures at each of us, but no one said a word as if this was a common thing, far as I know it was. I am sure there are parents that have done it even though it’s not a written law or a rule. It was something that seemed wrong about it. I have watched people during general conference take pictures when the prophet or any of the twelve apostles stand and give a talk. What harm is there really if a parent wanted to immortalize a moment that said I am proud of my son or sons.

Mom and Grandma slid over letting us in placing me between them having Aaron sit opposite side of Mom. It didn’t bother him that I was getting all the glory or all the attention he smiled at me whispering to Mom how he had dreamed of this moment of me and him doing something together. Mom was crying hugging him and me both at the same time and wouldn’t stop kissing us. Personally, it was becoming embarrassing when she stopped and Grandma took over, I doubted there was spot on my head or my face that wasn’t covered by lipstick. Aaron telling Mom “everyone watching,” earning us several more kisses.

I didn’t take the chance by not taking notes in church. Knowing the chances were high that I would be giving an orally report the following Sunday, in fact, most likely be given two knowing the Rothwell’s. Mom asked what I was doing. I simply said following the rules. I knew when I said that once again I would be explaining what those rules were.

Grandma quickly came to my rescue telling her I was preparing my oral report; passing it off as nothing leading once again to more questions. Grandma added her arm with Moms around my shoulders. Apparently, they didn’t plan on sharing me not that I was complaining. It was a rare opportunity to see my grandmother in person so I let them fuss over me. Every so often she would do the same to my sisters. If she could have she would have hugged all of us at the same time.

I don’t know who was prouder, Grandma or Mom that Sunday. If it was a show Mom didn’t let on that it was every time someone came up to her she smiled, half crying, half laughing every time she introduced me to every last person she knew. She hated to let me go as Brother Kenly came to rescue me and Aaron making a quick stop to the bathroom so we could wash our faces off that were indeed covered with lipstick. I felt embarrassed and wanted to hide under a rock.

It wasn’t until we entered the bathroom when I started to have a flashback of me scrubbing the same bathroom floor with a toothbrush; my father’s phantom standing over me beating on me, pushing my face to the floor so I could see the dirt that I hadn’t missed. I stood there breathing hard quickly needing air before I had an episode. I nearly run right out the door passing my mother in the hallway, Grandma cursed knowing the signs quickly made her way after me.

I reached the steps, but he was there too, I could see him clear as day his belt in his hand ready to strike me down. I knew I was close, if I didn’t take control of it, it would be hours before I would gain my senses.  Grandma reached me just in time quickly took my head made me look into her eyes having me repeat my safe words. We both knew there was no tranquilizer close enough. Well, at least I thought there wasn’t feeling a sharp poke in the back of my neck. Next thing I knew I was falling, but my body never touched the pavement.

I couldn’t move, but I could feel. Knowing it was lesser doses or I would have been cold turkey. I felt someone pick me up and carry me. I tried to scream, but my lips wouldn’t move thinking it was my parents taking me down to the basement. When they set me down I was laying on something soft and I could feel something wet touch my face. The words were coming clearer as the drug was wearing off. I could hear four people, Grandma, Mom, Officer Kenly, and the Bishop. It wasn’t long before I came around and was able to open my eyes seeing that I was lying in the back of Officer Kenly’s police car.

Grandma was the first to notice that I was coming around then panic stuck them wondering if they needed to tranquilize me again because of how quick I had come out of it. I tried moving my lips, but all I could do is blink my eyes as I tried to focus. I moved my fingers and moved my toes and slowly worked the rest of my body. By then I could talk not well hearing my words slur really bad that they made no sense. Grandma asked me if needed to be tranquilized again saying if I didn’t squeeze her hand then they would.

I slowly squeezed her hand and they all breathed a sigh of relief. It was 15 minutes before I could talk, and took several sips of water feeling it dribble down my chin. I worked my jaw and worked my arms a little bit more. Only to watch them drop back down. Grandma saying she brought the tranquilizer just in case. I half nodded closed my eyes said: “thanks I didn’t think I would have been able to hold out much longer.”

Grandma said we were lucky this time considering what a real episode would have done. I nodded again and gave a smile. Saying “I guess church is over for me today.” Everyone laughed which meant two things it was time to go home and second this church house just became off limits. I was surprised the chapel didn’t cause me to freak out, but it had been remodeled since the last time I had been it. It was the bathroom that caused the panic attack and outside by then it was too late I couldn’t get away from all those ghosts slipping into my mind. I had to admit I that outside didn’t bother me as much considering all I did was mow the lawn or prune the bushes. Not once had my father beat me outside on the front lawn, but when it came to the back where the basement was it was a whole different story.

It wasn’t long after that I was almost back to normal and was able to walk to my mother’s car. You would think after the day I had I wouldn’t be making our appointment with the Bishop. Just like Bishop Lanwall, he moved his office to my bedroom. Clearing his afternoon schedule; I had barely changed my clothes when he arrived at the door.

Mom seemed surprised, but Grandma wasn’t, quickly invited him in. Asking how I was fairing now that I was home. Mom said I was good as new, no real damage had been done. She didn’t mention or let on how I embarrassed her if was the Rothwell’s they’d be freaking out, well maybe not. It’s not the first time I had an episode in church or in public. In fact, Mom was handling it rather well. Not once did she let on that she was disappointed in me, in fact, she was beaming proud that I lasted as long as I did.

Susan and Becky had chosen to remain at church with her friends telling Mom they would ask their mothers friends to bring them home. Personally, I knew they wanted to brag about how I embarrassed them and how it was mine and Moms fault that my father had been taken away in handcuffs. Again small town was the news travels fast. Mom didn’t say anything just told them to be home at a certain time.

Aaron came home with me afraid that Mom would hurt me or Grandma would take me away. Grandma promised him several times that neither was going to happen. Well, she prayed that nothing was going to happen, we both knew differently. For right now we were going on faith, and hoping my mother would keep to her promises. She apologized several times on the way home for tranquilizing me. I told her “I was glad she did it. I really didn’t want to have a full blown episode causing even bigger mess and whole lot innocent people could have gotten hurt if she hadn’t,” but didn’t make her feel any better.

Bishop reintroduced himself to me by shaking his hand at first I thought it was a fluke, but the seconded our hands touched the feeling came over me even stronger. For a brief second, I was standing in a field of green and Jeff was standing there waiting for me. The second I tried to get closer I felt myself being pulled back and I was staring into the Bishop's eyes our hands to claps together. He smiled as I watched that same glimmer of light in the twinkle of his eyes. Once again he said, “interesting, yes indeed very interesting.”

Mom asking what’s “interesting?”

He finally let go of my hand, but we never broke eye contact. He repeated it again not answering her question, but still maintained eye contact for a whole extra minute; it was if neither of us blinked. He simply asked if he could chat in private, Mom question hung in the air, as we both stared at each other. It was him that broke contact. I stood there standing unable to move something or someone was controlling the situation.

I called out in my mind for Jeff but got no reply. When he placed his hand on my shoulder I was able to move, having to blink several times. Grandma and Mom were getting concerned wondering if I was having an episode watching me stare off into space. When I moved they breathed with a sigh of relief, I felt light headed and my body felt that it had just been gone through I workout, I grew dizzy taking a seat before I fell down. My hands were shaking and I was sweating.

Again he said the word interesting as Mom asked if I was alright. I shook my head no telling her I needed a minute trying to get up only to fall back down. Something was wrong and I didn’t know what it was. Grandma brought me a glass of water feeling my head and taking my pulse. Saying my heart was beating faster than a rabbit. She looked at the Bishop wondering what he did to me, actually, both of us was wondering, but all he would say was interesting. Taking a seat in front of me; said. “Perhaps we will give your son a few minutes.”

Mom asking, “What the heck did you do to my son? “Almost saying hell, but quickly corrected herself. He didn’t answer the question. Just sat there watching me.

Grandma refreshed my water letting me drink until I had enough and sat next to me. Mom was getting more worried the longer that no one said anything. When I spoke saying I was alright said. “It must have been the aftereffects of the tranquilizer.” Knowing something had transpired and it wasn’t a drug, well I thought it wasn’t, but everyone passed it off that it could be, except for the Bishop and me. We knew something else had transpired. I was good as new in after another few minutes. Mom still hadn’t gotten her answer, but I knew sooner or later she and I were going to have a conversation that boarded on crazy.

I said we could use my room if that was alright with Mom. Mom nodded that it would be fine and stood up on my own and walked towards the hallway like a drunk person nearly falling flat on my face. I would have if the Bishop hadn’t caught me quickly put my arm around his shoulders and slowly made it down to my room. Mom and Grandma were right behind me helping me onto my bed.  I laid down closing my eyes so the room would stop spinning when I opened them the Bishop was sitting next to me, I hadn’t heard him leave the room or anyone bring him a chair. Man, I must have really been out to lunch I thought trying to process what was wrong with me.