Facing My Fears part 1

Chapter 64

Facing My Fears

Part 1

When we reached the parking lot where my father was being held, Mom asked if I really wanted to see my father behind bars or was I looking for something else. I said “both, he needs to know that I am not afraid of him, and he needs to know and understand that these actions would no longer be tolerated. And I need to know that I can stand up to him and stop being the scared little boy. Mom, I dream almost every night what you and he have done to me. I drink that tonic every night and take pills to help me keep me sane.

“You don’t want to know what happens when I can’t control an episode. There’s a reason those tranquilizers are so powerful and having to increase the dosage so often. My father may have gone down with one dose. The Rothwell’s sometimes have to give me three, and pray that I come out of it; before I harm myself and them. Having to strap me down to my bed in a securely locked room; I am never left alone while am sleeping because sometimes it not strong enough to keep me under.

“It has taken me two years and several doctors to lessen the episode. I am still afraid of the basement ever since you and he did all those things to me and Aaron. A simple thunderstorm can put me in an episode that requires all three tranquilizers regardless if I have had the full dose of the tonic. I am the most dangerous kid alive and you had only seen a small portion what I am capable of. Trust me when I say I can kill and have no regret. Even more so if I am not awake to control my emotions or my actions.

“The Rothwell’s trained me well and I have the trophies to prove it. I kept my promise when I said I would learn to defend myself so you or him could never hurt me or Aaron again. Right now I am holding you to your promises and that’s hard enough for me to give that trust, but I am doing it. I am scared every day that you and him will kill me and Aaron. I dream about it, I see it, and I live it. So the answer is both.”

Mom was in tears as she listened and realized how much she and my father had done to me. Again saying how sorry she was and promising me that she truly has turned over a new leaf. I said. “Time will tell, and I can guarantee that consequences and the law would be on my side.”

Mom nodded wiping her eyes promising that she understood what was at stake and made another promise that she would be there for me and my brother as a mother should; stating again that if it took to place my father in prison for the rest of his life, she could live with that. She didn’t like it, but losing her family forever wasn’t an option.

I said. “Time would tell and I will hold her to that promises.”

My father was furious being held prisoner behind bars. Even more furious learning everything she had promised me and the Family Court in writing. He nearly broke the bars with his bare hands when she told him that if he didn’t sign and give the same promises he would remain behind bars until he did. She threatened him that she would divorce him and take the children with her and he would never see any of them or her again.

He was so mad that she stepped away from the bars afraid he would kill her with his bare hands. Having the attending Officer making him stands against the wall or he would find out what police do with unruly inmates. Noticing before it was too late that my father had grabbed me by the arm to bring me closer to him so he could kill me with his bare hands, but the Officer noticed striking his arm hard enough that he withdrew it back, feeling the pain where he was struck. I knew it would leave a bruise, but I was too terrified to care.

I faced him and my fears and stood my ground letting him know the next time I wouldn’t bother pushing the button. I would just simply kill him and it would be self-defense in the eyes of the law. He growled that I could try, but I’d be the one six feet under. I smiled stating I was willing to take that chance growling back. Mom knew I meant every word and she knew I had no love for him or her if she broke that promises. Telling him she would let me and burn the body and remove his name from the family.

She meant every word and he knew it. He could see it in her eyes. He had the nerve to say she could go straight to hell because she was as guilty as he is.  Mom didn’t deny it. She simply took my hand reached over and kissed my cheek saying “let’s go, son. Your father needs time.”

When I said, “yes Mom.”

He growled, “murdering b******s.”

I turned and gave him another promise. “He will never be my father, my Dad or my Pa. All he will ever be is a sperm donor. Mom may be just as guilty as he is, but she is willing to right her wrongs. I have my doubts she will ever live up to that name or keep her promises, but I trust her hell of a lot more than you;” saying “so long Jim, may you rot in hell.”

My father’s last words were. “May you all rot in hell boy?” I didn’t respond back nor did my mother as he kept saying. “You hear me boy? I’ll see you in hell.” The door slammed shut silencing his words. Mom was sobbing and shaking by the time we got back to the car. For the first time in a long time I was at peace, but for now. Time will tell if it remains so. Mom didn’t need the Rothwell’s permission to take me out of Santaquin, considering my wristwatch would notify them if I was in trouble by the simple press of a button. She had given her word in writing that no harm would come to me while I was in her care and so far she had proven that.

We stopped at the house and picked up Aaron sending Susan and Becky to their friend’s house. Mom didn’t trust my sisters to be alone too long with Aaron. Knowing they would abandon him at a drop of a hat. Like my father, they too hated both of us and it worried her that she was the cause and just as guilty as my father. I heard her say many times throughout the day and the visit. That she was sorry and would do her best to keep me safe from any harm.

If she could she would have wrapped me in a cocoon of bubble-wrap; considering a simple scratch on my body could be cause enough to end a visit forever and take her family away, but accidents happen to everyone. I assured her after seeing slight bruises on my arm where my father grabbed me before the Officer made him stand against the wall. Made her panic and listened for sirens to take her away.

I had to reassure her that I have suffered worse many times over and have the scars to prove it. Mom still treated me like glass as if I would break so easily. I kept my promises stating I had earned some of those scars on my back from a “skateboard accident.” When she asked if these were caused when I jumped through a plate of glass; I nodded that some of them are, but not all of them.

It didn’t make her feel any better, having to tell me once again how sorry she was. I shrugged my shoulders stating it was a long time ago. The past is the past. She squeezed my hand and wiped an escaped tear with her other hand and took hold of Aaron’s hand. Telling me “I am so glad you are home.” I didn’t respond, maybe I should have, but I couldn’t say the words. Knowing deep inside, it would never be home to me as long as my father lived there. She waited, but I kept silent. She knew that time would tell and she had a lot to prove to me and herself.

Even though I had plenty of clothes to keep me clothed during my visit. Mom insisted I needed more. Buying me several nice shirts and jeans and another pair of sneakers, and none of it came from a secondhand store. We shopped for groceries, her asking me what my favorite foods were. Doing her best to get to know me after realizing she may have given birth to me, but she didn’t know one single thing about me

Aaron was just happy that I was here with him after waiting for such a long time. He didn’t say much, he was never a big talker. Had been shy most of his life; I too didn’t say much letting Mom do most of it. Always giving vague answers even more so when she asked what it was like living with the Rothwell’s? I didn’t want to talk about it nor did I want to give the impression that they are not the people who everyone thinks they are; opening to more questions, or giving her ideas what she and my father could get away with.

I held tight to my promises when concerned them. Mom knew I was hiding something only giving vague answers. Trust had to be earned and right now she hadn’t earned it. She’d been lucky enough that I would let her near me or put her arm around me. I still flinched when it surprised me forgetting that she had promised not to harm me. Time and trust would be the only answer for both of us. Aaron may tell he loved her, but like him, it would take a long time perhaps even longer.

When we got home with a whole car full of loot which ranged anywhere from clothing to new items for my room; I knew my father would be furious once he checked his checking account. Mom spared no expense; it was if she was on a shopping spree. I offered to pay for my clothing and things for my room, but Mom declined it, told me to save my well-earned money. I can’t say she was always like that when it came to borrowing money from me and Aaron when we got older. Susan and Becky were more than willing to spend it, sometimes demanding that we simply give it to them.

Mom left me to the kitchen helping with items that didn’t need cooking. Like a quick green salad and fruit punch. Leaving the major items for me to deal with, in some ways she was shocked when it came to my cooking skills and others she just assumed I knew what I was doing. Having been told by the Rothwell’s and my caseworker regarding some of my talents when came to cooking or music. Wishing she had her own piano just so she could hear me play. I told her I had a recital coming up in a couple of weeks and invited her to attend. I expected her to decline the offer like she had done in the past, but she quickly marked it on the calendar saying that I could count on her being there and my other advents as well.

I didn’t say anything and didn’t ask her to promises that she would. I knew if she really wanted to she would be there, if not. Well, that was ok too. I couldn’t expect an instant mother. Those are hard to come by and I didn’t think she would really make the effort and I wasn’t about to twist her arm. I had the Rothwell’s and I knew without a doubt that they would be there every time in my cheering section.

I hated the fact that I loved them, hated them and feared them, but for me, they were the closest thing I had to being in a real family. My mother and my father have yet to prove that to me that I was their son and I mattered to them. I meant what I said when I told him he would never be my father, my Dad or my Pa. To me he will always be my abusers. It didn’t matter at the moment that my mother was just as guilty when came to abuse. But at least she was making an effort to right her wrongs. He, on the other hand, had not, and proved that he couldn’t be trusted.

Mom answered the door or what was left of it after the previous night. Letting Mr. Stringum and Dave in so they could fix her door; Dave whistled seeing the damage said it looked like elephant tried to come in, in a hurry. I knew he knew what really happened. How could he not the way gossip flies in Santaquin; I didn’t doubt that by now it had traveled all the way to Spanish fork, two towns over and would make its way all the way to Springville by nightfall or sooner as the phone rang. I didn’t answer it even though it was my home. I knew better than to break that rule after being punished enough at the Rothwell’s home. I was only allowed to use the phone when given permission and every call was screened.

Mom waited for me to answer it, but I kept to my work instead. After the tenth ring, she growled and picked it up and stared angrily at me. I stepped back afraid she was about to hit me. I was almost to the back door before she realized her mistake, cursing herself for scaring me. She settled right on down when she realized it was grandma calling her to check on me and finding out that her son had been sent to jail and she wanted answers.

Mom slowly removed the phone from her ear as grandma was giving her a tongue lashing. When she finally gave my mother a chance to answer it became a heated discussion. Mom simply hands me the phone telling me to deal with her.

I had to give grandma credit if you want a battle when came to me she could give one. When she heard my voice she relaxed. Having me repeat in full detail what had happened. She wouldn’t be satisfied until she heard every scrap that she could get out of me and my mother. Apparently, my father gave his version of the story which painted us as the reasons why he was sitting behind bars. Apparently, he tried to get her to put up money to release him, but she wanted to hear our versions first.

When she was done and had gotten every scrap out of us she agreed that he could sit and rot until he came to his senses. Mom told her he would be there until he made promises in writing before she would release him and that wouldn’t be until I was back with the Rothwell’s. Grandma agreed telling her to expect her to attended church and most of the day so she could have a chance to spend some time with all her grandchildren. Mom tried to persuade her, but when grandma makes up her mind, wild horses couldn’t dagger her way.

Mom sighed hanging up the phone walking me outside as gently as she could without scaring me and harming me. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t answer my own phone and expected the truth not some vague answer. Yet she didn’t want our company to know our business.

I simply told her it was one of the rules when came to foster kids under their roof. Simply stated that every call, every letter was screened before I was given permission. Mom growled saying they got nerve, I said it was what it was, rules are rules, and I told her that I had learned my lesson the “hard way.” Then winced when I realized she wanted a more of answer regarding what the “hard way” was.

Mom growled angrily when I said. “Don’t you think I have nice tan on my backside?” Personally, I thought it was good to answer then again I quickly apologized saying I didn’t mean to smart off and quickly said: “I ran laps around that large field enough times to know better.”

She was shocked when she realized I was running them in the nude. The proof was my nicely tan butt and she had seen it three times now; once in the field fending for my life and once during my strip search. The third time when she gave me a bath the previous night. Like most parents or family members, being naked in front of them meant absolutely nothing considering they had bathed you countless times and wiped your butt enough times that was nothing important.

I was lucky she didn’t want me to strip down right there so she could examine my so cute butt. But she did giggle and blushed when she imagined me running laps naked as the day I was born. She may have not liked the idea, but it did bring a smile to her face. Mom leaned down pinched my butt and kissed my cheek saying “next time she’ll take more notice.” I blushed and it made her giggle even more.