Facing My Greatest Fear part 1

Chapter 59

Facing My Greatest Fear

Part 1

I was glad to return to my routine; even more so having fewer storm classes’ episodes and even the small ones became less frequent. Basements were still my biggest fear, but it was the next challenge I needed to face. Neither Dad nor Mom pushed me and was simply content to have me and Shane in the same room upstairs where they could watch over me, but it bothered me that I was still afraid and I didn’t know how to contend with or combat the fear.

I had spoken at length with my psychologist on how I might get over the fear. I wasn’t really afraid so much of my parents, considering I could defend myself. Even bullies didn’t dare confront me after kicking their butt and embarrass them enough times to the point they stayed away from me. It was the basement that I feared the most and I hated the fact my parents had control over me.

He suggested one step at a time and I took the idea and ran with it. Every day I would sit at the top of the stairs at home looking down and re-imagine me facing my parent’s in that field. Taking the monsters on and defeat them one by one. I counted each step that led to the bottom stating there are 15 five steps in total and made a goal. That each day I would conquer each step one by one until I hit the bottom floor. It seemed easy enough in my mind, but in reality, it was the hardest thing I had to accomplish. Sometimes it seemed I would take one steps forward only to take three steps back, having to run back up and slam the door shut and walk outside and breathe the fresh air and feel the sunshine.

Shawn and Kelly would tease me regarding my fear of basements, but Shane and my sisters would always stand up for me. Even Mom and Dad encouraged me and comforted me every time I failed, having to start over. It took the entire summer before I made it halfway before a panic attack happened. I was beginning to lose faith that I would conquer the fear. Mom and Dad said I was pushing myself too far and they were right, but what choice did I have? Let my parents control me? So I kept at day by day month by month, but never made it to the bottom after 6 more months, it became unreachable goal I would have to find another way.

Thanksgiving and Christmas was spent at the Rothwell’s for conveniences instead of facing my parents. Grandma didn’t come, but instead sent my gifts due to all the snow and ice; she had slipped and fallen again and made her more afraid to leave the house. In some ways, we both had that in common, she’s afraid of stairs and falling and I am afraid of basements. In some ways, it was a blessing not being able to go down to the basement. Considering what was taken place down there into regards to Arthur, Kelly, and Shawn, even more so with the two younger brothers.

Something dark and evil was taken place down there and it wasn’t Dad. The things I noticed were Shawn and Kelly when came to inappropriate touching when it came to any of the “special five,” that had bedrooms down in the basement, and sometimes Shawn’s friends. They only did it when they thought nobody was looking or when Mom and Dad weren’t home. It really began to creep me out.

I had learned to keep it to myself since nobody would believe me; earning, a severe spankings and grounding if I ever said anything to Mom and Dad or if I mentioned it to Shane and my sister’s and return they would notice it and report it to Mom and Dad, which also made things worse when dealing with Shawn and Kelly.

I was completely alone on this subject even more so when the “special five” were asked about it and having them lie stating it never happened. Mom and Dad either didn’t want to believe something was going on; or wanted to believe that Shawn their own son was doing or capable of doing it. So I simply dropped it and like them turned a blind eye like everyone else.  Which later on would be my biggest mistake; I had my own problems to deal with, none the less it made me a target when came to getting me into trouble.

Even though I was essentially prepared to attended 9th grade at Lehi High School, I did not like the company that went with me. I would simply run off the bus with my three friends Ron, Charlie, and Stan right beside me. Then stay behind with Kelly and Arthur. I knew better than ostracized myself from Arthur. Partly because it wasn’t his fault that Kelly and Shawn would pressure him into things, just for the fact he was mentally retarded and would come back to haunt me later on. I didn’t think Ma and Pa would be proud of me for doing it either, but I wanted no part of what the “special five” were doing down in that basement. Like fear, you could never really run from. It eventually it will find you.

I was lucky in some respects compared to Arthur and Kelly. My classes were three times harder and kept me out of trouble. Dad had signed me up for the schools wrestling team, and we kept me going to kickboxing and boys gymnastics. I was quite good with the horse and simple floor exercises. Not so great on others like the rope ring and vaults being so late in the game to master them like the other kids that had been doing it since they were five or six.

But when it came to kickboxing and wrestling I was unmatched in my weight class. Swimming and running track or running cross country. Kept me in great shape, and burned off more calories then I could replace.  I looked anemic no matter how much I ate, I just couldn’t put on the weight and would tire easily. So changes had to be made.

I had to pick and choose what I could do and still keep Mom and Dad happy. I gave up wrestling since I couldn’t meet the weight requirements to compete. Gave up track and cross country because it was seasonal and replaced it with weight lifting to keep the muscle tone and added karate. Dad bought a trampoline so I could practice flips for floor exercises and large roll away mat where I could do them outside and was working on building a full gym down in the basement.

Hoping to encourage me to get over my fear; making larger windows for light to trick my mind in thinking it was just another room like brother Nile's place. Mom and Dad made it clear that my mine and Shane’s room will always be upstairs as long I was under his roof, instead of making another room sound proof when it was totally unnecessary. The baby and everyone else’s was doing quite well where they were, well that’s what they believed anyway.

Mom signed me up for choir and food class against Dads wishes stating it is not a man’s job to cook stating it is women’s. In the years to come that statement would change like wildfire when I saw more guys in it than girls taking these classes; even more so when it came from the twelve apostles. That all boys going on a LDS missions needed to be able to, cook, clean, shop and do their own laundry and sew their own buttons and darn their own socks. I had wondered then what Dad would have said about it, but by that time I was no longer living under his roof.

Everyone was proud of all the ribbons and awards that I had received and Dad built a large glass case to show them off. Except for the “special five,” that truly hated my guts and went beyond jealousy. Mom and Dad did their best to sign up Shawn and his two younger brothers in some of the same sports they had me in; in hopes to encourage healthy competition and brotherly love for each other, but that end up only making things worst.

Shawn and his younger brothers would get into fights and causes fights in hopes of them turning me against Mom and Dad. To the point I would simply stop going and hate the sport altogether, being unable or wanting to do my best. The more they pushed it the more depressed I became, it affected everything from school, home and any of the sports I liked doing. The night terrors came back even stronger instead of decreasing like they had been. And I started to doubt myself that I could still defend myself when came to my parents.

It became so bad, I would simply walk down basement stairs and sit on the floor and let the dreams and terror consume me. To the point, it would take several tranquilizers to knock me out completely and repeat the process to point it was suicidal. Mom and Dad had to lock the door after Mom heard a loud scream coming from me opening the door seeing me trip and fall, cling onto the rail backward trying to prevent me from falling. For me when she opened the door all I saw was my mother, yelled “never again” and let go before she could reach me.

Watching me fall backward down several flights of stairs consumed by my dream; fighting my phantoms covered in blood, having to tranquilize me several times before I made it to the emergency room. I had nearly broken my neck and cracking my skull wide open, causing several stitches on the back of my head and broke my left arm in two places. Dad didn’t know to punish me, grounded me or what after that.

It didn’t help that I would try to get him to beat the crap out of me, begging him to kill me so I wouldn’t have one more night terror. He was tired of that excuses knowing full well that I purposely went too far to cause it and didn’t do anything to stop it, simply because I had stop fighting. Begging him to kill me since I couldn’t prove I wasn’t lying and they had lost all faith in me and no longer trusted me. I trusted him to kill me by going too far. I would dare him and take swings at him to beat me yelling to him to do it.

The hothouse was nothing to me and running laps around the field or doing chores in the raw did little to me when it came to punishing me. For going below to causes the episodes on purpose, mostly due to how depressed I was because I couldn’t make my goal nor could I get anyone to believe me regarding the trouble Kelly, Shane and his two brothers and their friends were causing at school, at practice, and at church. Making me look like a bad kid and ruined the trust I had with Mom and Dad. Kelly and Shawn became the good boys and I became the bad boy in everyone’s eyes.

Even Shane was starting to believe it after Mom and Dad would find drugs and alcohol in my room and my school locker and gym locker would be searched and finding it there as well. Kelly and Shawn would spill it on my clothes so when I came home Mom and Dad would think I was doing it; they would use their friends as whiteness. Dad and Mom would believe them over me, smelling it in my hair and on my clothes and find wads of stolen cash in my clothes, backpack or stashed away under my mattress.

Dad and Mom were running out of patience with me and became the monster again and every day Dad would make me do a strip search like he had done the first days I arrived. Degrading me trying to get me to tell the truth; He and I had reached the breaking point and I was on the verge of running away when brother Nile's came to my rescue.  When he told him to give me breathalyzers test to prove that I was and that I was willing to take drug test by peeing in a cup and go as far as blood test if necessary.  Mom and Dad were angry, the most I had ever seen them.

But we came to understanding. The next time when I reeked from it or found anything that made it look like I was lying or he found any of it in my system he could send me to a juvenile hall correction center until I was old enough to go to jail for the crimes I had committed. Letting the cop’s hall me away in handcuffs the next time it happened, until then I would be grounded and would be punished accordingly until I stopped lying and longer I did the harsher the punishment.

It was two weeks later when Mom and Dad had been called by the school finding a drugs and alcohol and large roll of stolen cash from a local liquor store. My clothes and mask were found in a trash bag in my locker and I reeked with it. I was placed in handcuffs by the time they arrived. Brother Sakes was sitting with me and bother Nile's had arrived behind Dad arguing that I wasn’t a bad kid even though the evidence proved that I was. I told them everything how Kelly and his friends tied me down during lunch and tried to make me drink it, I had spit most of it out, but it was still on my breath.

Kelly and his friends said I had episode and began beating the crap out of them thinking they were my parents. Stating it took 6 guys to take me down, before they could contain the situation or bring me down, to explain all their injuries. During that time I was totally intoxicated and completely out of my mind had robbed a liquor store. The evidence was all over me and sitting on the desk.  Mom and Dad were furious said even for me that something new, but not impossible. Considering they had found evidence many times when I had came home smelling of liquor and cigarettes and finding it hidden in my room.

Dad dismissed everyone except the police warning me that I had one chance and one chance only before it was too late. I nodded and pleaded with them that I wasn’t and they were the ones lying. The evidence was against me, and I was all alone. Brother Nile's and bother Sakes was the only ones that believed me; reminding Dad of my promises. Dad growled angrily and took long walk to cool off; then agreed that this was my only chance. The words were cold when he waited and watched them search every inch of my body. I breathed into the inhaler barely finding a trace, I was watched while I pee’ ed into a cup waiting for the results as Mom and Dad paced. Dad nearly putting a hole through wall; knowing that I was guilty and he and Mom had failed me; going from a good kid to a bad kid like Kelly in a matter of months.

When the test came back stating I wasn’t’ on drugs nor was I intoxicated. Mom and Dads shoulders dropped thinking they had heard wrong was about to sign my life over to the authorities and admit defeat. The pen was in his hand was about to sign it when officer took it and ripped it up stating again. That I wasn’t intoxicated and there were no drugs in my system but a blood test and a hair sample would prove it if I had ever been or how long ago. Mom and Dads face paled in the reality how close they had come of sending an innocent person to jail. Then the shock was over the monster was unleashed the first two words were Kelly and Shawn.