Dreams & Nightmares

Chapter 33

Dreams & Nightmares

 

I could see the light through my closed eyelids as I waited for the whip that never came, I watched the shadow get closer and kneel beside me. Seeing tears in her eyes; it was the first time I had ever seen Mrs. Rothwell cry. Her voice shook as she asked if I was alright. I couldn’t speak, but a whisper pleading “no more,” over and over again.  She sat next to me putting her arms gently on my shoulders. I screamed in pain feeling the warm blood trickled down my back. My back felt as if it was on fire as she took me in her arms I shied away; pleading once more. “No more,” I whispered barely a squeak as I sobbed hugging my knees.

She slowly lifted my head so she could see my face as the tears and blood from my nose ran down the side of my cheek as I whispered. “Please, no more.” She nodded and repeated my words back to me. “No more,” I fell against her sobbing as she slowly stroked my hair. Calming me, telling me “no more.”

I don’t know how long she held me as I sobbed. “Aunty M no more, please Aunt Margaret no more.” Again the voice said “no more,” resting my head against her shoulder shushing me. She slowly unbuttoned my shirt dabbing the cuts and the blood trickling down my chest with the front of my ruined shirt, with long slits down the side where the whip like a cattail with long leather strips tied with knot along each strand, had ripped parts of my shirt and back to shreds. Then slowly brought me to my feet; and walked me to the bed. I let her slowly finish undressing me; hearing her gasped seeing my back and shoulders covered with blood.

She didn’t waste a moment leaving me, leaning forward as I started to fall towards the ground into a giant heap; barely catching me in her arms, as I fell gently to the floor onto my stomach. Shivering in terror; whispering over and over “no more.”  I don’t know how long I laid there as my back burned like hot coals against searing flesh. But it was almost midnight when I first woke as someone picked me off the floor putting my arm around them.

I screamed in pain until they stopped. I turned my head just enough seeing my father’s faces, his eyes dark with hate, his voice was strange and thick as if it was distant. Then it changed in an instant finding out it was not my father, but Mr. Rothwell telling me he was going to pick me up and carry me. I barely remember saying “please God, pleases just let me die. Why have you forsaken me?” Feeling the cold water braces against me, and soft hands slowly lowering my body into a freezing river.

I screamed in terror as my hands groped the air around me as they lowered me further. I heard a woman’s voice singing to me as the water stopped as she held my head above the water. I heard her say “Go. I can’t clam him with you here. Robert. And if I can’t reduce his fever were going to end up in the hospital… and try explaining to them why his back is torn to pieces.”

I heard the door closed as she tried once more to calm me. Slowly and calmly washed the blood from my face; for a brief moment, I thought I was back in the Steeds home. But something wasn’t right. The smell of the room was too clean like antiseptic. Not the smell of vomit mixed with and urine and a faint hint of jasmine.

Realty kicked in, as my eyes cleared seeing Mrs. Rothwell ringing a bloody washcloth muttering. “Two boys in one night, yet this one got the worst of it; while others hid under the table like a sniveling coward.” Then realized my eyes were watching her. I felt the back of my head hit something hard as the water begin to go into my mouth sucking the breath out of me as I began to struggle for air when I tried to come up out of the water, but something was holding me down.

I felt my hands grasping, finding arms and wrist holding me down as I began to drown, and then someone screamed and pulled me out of the water as I choked for air. Seeing Jody standing over her mother; asking her why? Listening to her mother say “I was saving him, can’t you see. It’s the only way.” Then tried once more as she shoved her daughter out of the way, but she screamed for her father as the door opened while her mother struggled in her arms screaming. “The child must die to be saved.”

I choked trying to get the water out of my lungs, grasping the sides of the tub, but slipping as I fell back into the water as it splashed over the sides and rushed back into my lungs. I couldn’t get the water out see black spots before my eyes. Jeff standing nearby unseen, telling me to fight, if I didn’t fight I would die. I tried, but I still couldn’t breathe as I sank back into the water once more; feeling long arms reaching down and picking me up out of the water shivering in the cold accepting death over life; knowing soon it would be over.

I slowly closed my eyes and stopped struggling as the voices seemed distant and underwater, garbling something, as my lungs burst open with air. I gasped as the water fell out the side of my mouth and choked coughing out the bloody water onto the once pristine floor, while I lay naked on my stomach. I whispered in between chokes. “Please, just let me die.”

I didn’t care anymore as I waited for deaths hands to take me home. Then stay another moment of living in this world of nightmares and pain. I could feel Jeff standing above me, filling me with warmth as if I was standing in the warm sun; his voice calm, telling me over and over again. “Not yet, not yet; my dear friend; not yet, fight to stay alive.”

I could feel someone kneeling beside me whispering to me words I couldn’t make out. Then lifted me as I screamed from the pain then felt them carrying me than lowering me. My head rose on a puffy cloud as they turned my head pouring something cool down my throat; making me cough and gag as it began to taste bittersweet.

Jeff kept me warm as I felt the strange white light brighter then sun surround me seeing him in all his glory as if he had never died dressed all in white his hair golden rays of sunlight. He smiled at me with those bright blue eyes as I took his hand and asked if I was dead. Saying no; hearing him laugh like we used to when he was alive. Hugging me against him as I cried into his arms as he held me, keeping me warm as I basked in the white light; then slowly he let me go as I tried to hold on to him, but he was gone and the light dimmed.

Then I dreamed that I was home with the Downing’s and Aaron was sleeping in my bed next to me in my arms and I didn’t dare wake him. Fearing I would never see him again. I could hear Robert and Will laughing as they ran up the stairs with Sam and Ted over their shoulders. The sweet smell of Ma’s double chocolate chip cookies, hearing her warm voice singing in the kitchen as she worked; I looked over seeing Pa sitting in a chair in the room smiling at me as his warm brown eyes met mine. I felt safe and loved and most of all I was home.

The dream changed. Seeing Aunty M dressed in her favorite cowboy shirt and pants standing in a meadow of tall green grass and long white daisies as they softly blew in the warm summer wind. My pony galloping towards me as if he was begging me to ride him; I could feel his soft warm coat as he put his head over my shoulder, feeling his soft warm breath against my back while I petted him and kissed him on the cheek. 

My fingers reaching up too scratch him behind the ears, hearing him snort with happiness. I watched Aunty M tying on my saddle that Pa had made me for my birthday. I turned seeing Julie and Anna spreading out a huge picnic basket with all my favorite foods, laughing as they watched Aunty M trying to get my pony to stay still as she tickled him under his belly with the girth of the belt.

The dream changed. Finding my self once more locked in the boiler room. The cold ground beneath my bare feet and hands tied and my mouth gagged, as I tried to breathe slowly through my nose; the cold darkness surrounding me as I heard a small child screaming in pain. Watching the door open as the outside light showed my father beating my brother.

His belts buckle catching the light as he swung it back and forth. Aaron's crimson blood sprayed the walls red as if he was painting the walls with our blood. My father’s voice filled with joy as my brother scream’s finally stopped. The wild rhythm of his belt striking his dead body as the warm blood spilled across the ground. Yelling “your next boy, I have been waiting a long time.” He laughed as he looked over at me staring at my dead brother’s body torn to sheds, tossing it onto the ground as if it was garbage.

I woke to scream. “No .more! No more!” Someone softly shaking me as my eyes opened seeing Jody standing over me quickly yelling for Dad, telling him I was awake; watching the door open the rest of the way as he walked in. I screamed in terror seeing him walking towards me, holding the cattail whip in his hands as I watched it swing back and forth like the pendulum swings on a grandfather clock.

Seeing it shift into a towel stained with blood. My mind was unable to determine which was the real reality. Watching his face convert back into my father with each step he took, shifting from one reality to the other. Jeff standing nearby his voice echoing in my mind; “it’s not real, it’s not real.”

Jody placing a cool cloth on the side of my head saying something about a fever, as I closed my eyes tightly trying to wake, but each time I would open them I saw the whip and then the belt lying on the floor. I closed them again praying as I felt a cold wet cloth covering my back as it, burned like it was on hot coals.  I screamed in pain as she lifted it. Dabbing the wounds with ointment and replaced it with another.

I couldn’t bear to open my eyes. So instead, I listened to the sounds of the ticking clock on my dresser; feeling the warm sun through the window. I could feel my head being lifted and something cool and bittersweet touched my lips. Her voice telling me to drink it so I could sleep. I groaned opening my mouth just a little as I sipped the cool bitter drink; feeling the towel being changed as I fell into another deep sleep.