Untitled[Version Two]

Different Version of the other poem.

 

Hands clammy
Heart beating wildly
I knew this was coming
Hope you would've changed your mind
Now I don't know what to think
I watch your lips
Your telling me
My heart is racing
Tears stinging
Why?
The world floats between us
Why?
Your answer is simple
Right thing for me
Stomach whirling
Heart squeezing
Feels like the world is falling
I don't want to hear it anymore
Those lips you kissed me with
Forming in to those words
Nerves rack my stomach
Hands caress my back
Shh it's going to be okay
You whisper and I relax
Trusting you fully as I have before
I might be a military man
You whispered in my ear
Before adding
but I'll always be yours
What you said made sence
Brought comfort
I knew things would be fine..

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Is this one better then the other?

Reviews

[Michael Schiebel]

I like this version better. The jumble of emotions capture the moment and reflect the inner chaos. I'm not normally one to read poetry but I like this one.

[Orahemae December]

i liked both of them but i liked the first one a little more. the ending was a little jumble and it read as if she was having so many emotions at once. but good job though.

[TheKaylaPup]

I think I like this one better...I like them both I think. Idk, maybe I'll re-review it when my head is clearer.

My first impressions put my interest with the first one, but after reading this one I changed my mind. This one catches readers (well me at least) much better that the first. Nice job. FYI this poem help some people at my high school who are still grieving over a student gunned down in Iraq. I never met him personally but my heart goes out to them all.

Anyway I found no obvious errors with this, and I've been having trouble finding a poem I like, myself not being a huge fan of poetry until just recently. This one is by far my favorite.

[ms.trelly]

I like this one better. It flows more. Good job :-)

[Kat24]

This is really good. I think this one is way better than the other one. Kat24

[Wolfe Greytome]

The revision was very effective. I think you fixed the flow problem you had in the first one, creating a much more solid piece.

[Jenny Nelson]

Your first one was very good, but I think you did a great job with the revisions. I do like this a bit better.

[Frederick E. Conkling]

I enjoyed this poem. You did a great job of putting your emotions on the page, and making them stand out to the reader. Well done.

[Odrah]

I enjoyed reading this poem. In the beginning I thought, as others who have reviewed this piece did, that the speaker was facing the heartache of a breakup, a goodbye. The end was surprising and, though sad, not as sad as the ending I had originally expected. The heartache is much different and ones feelings are suddenly twisted in the end, but in a good way.

One thing I noticed:

"What you said made since."

I believe the word you wanted there was "sense".

Very well done.